Undercover Liv
by Jet MacLeod
Summary: A/U starting between Season 13 and 14. Liv is upset. Alex is gone. Elliot is gone. Liv joins the FBI and goes undercover, but what she finds while "under" will rock not only her world but everyone she loves. Can she come back from the brink? Or will she finally take the plunge over the edge? A/O and some O/OC. Disclaimer: I own only my characters. Dick Wolf and NBC own the rest.
1. Prologue- Gone

Prologue

"I have to do this, Captain. I cannot stay here. Alex is gone. Elliot is gone. I'm tired. I need a change."

"I know that, Liv, but the FBI, now? You hate the Feds," Cragen told her.

"I know. But, they asked. I need to do this to move on. I need a break."

"Then, go with my blessing. I'll see what I can do for you for leave. Get the Feds to send something saying that you are working for them and I'm sure that One PP will hold your job," Cragen replied.

"I am not sure that I want them to, but yeah, I'll get them to send something."

"Liv?"

"Yeah, Cap?"

"Who got you? Who is your contact? Can you tell me anything?"

"Call Agent Dana Lewis, she's the one leading this charge. I don't know anything else. She said she needed me. I'm going. I didn't put much thought into it. Sorry."

"Just do me one favor, then," Cragen asked.

"What's that?"

"Stay alive and come home, even if it isn't back to SVU."

"Gotcha, Cap," Olivia answered, walking out of his office.

She glanced around the SVU bullpen at the 1-6. She would miss them, but it was over. It was time to move on. It was bittersweet, but she had to go. There was nothing but pain for her there now, maybe with the Feds she could feel like she was alive and doing good, again. She wouldn't feel lost and alone.

Cragen watched her leave. He wondered if she knew that Alex was back in town, again. She was an E.A.D.A. heading up a new unit. He shook his head.

"One day, I hope you both realize what you mean to each other and quit fighting it," he said.

"Rollins, Fin, you just caught one. Here's the address. Get moving," Cragen told them, handing Fin the note.

* * *

"You sure you're ready for this?" Dana asked her.

"You asked me, remember?"

"Yeah, 'cause I didn't really think you would say yes. But, this is not a normal case for you. You'll be going undercover in Atlanta. I need you to feed your wild side for this one."

"Define wild side."

"How do you feel about a haircut and maybe some ink?"

"Whoa, now, what the hell will I be doing?"

"We got wind on a local biker gang in Atlanta moving things that shouldn't be moved, darling. We need someone to befriend the locals and see what they can sniff out for us. Like I said, I didn't think you would actually be interested. You'll have a crazy cover, still interested?" Dana asked her.

"Yeah, I am in. I could use a makeover. Got a file for me to memorize, a story to learn?"

"Here," Dana said, sliding the folder across the table.

"Julie Seabrook?"

"Yup, and you'll have a brother you're living with, Russell," Dana replied.

"Brother? He an agent, too? How long has been under?"

"Long enough to get you established quickly enough, don't worry about that. Just remember that you are now Julie Seabrook. So, from first glance, what can you tell me about yourself, Julie?"

"Hi, I'm Julie Seabrook. My birthday is May 15th. Older brother Russell, landscaper in Atlanta, big firm. I am transferring from Richmond, Virginia after a bad break up. I am assuming that I am a hard ass or something,"

"You can make that story up."

"Thanks, that'll make it easier. So, can you tell me anymore? What's up with the makeover?"

"Well, Benson, it's a lesbian biker gang."

"Great."

"Tell me 'no,' now and we'll dig through the FBI for someone else. You don't have to do this, Liv. I know that I'm not your favorite person. This is probably going to get nasty before we get anything good on anyone. I don't know how long you'll be under."

"I understand that," Liv answered.

"You will be deputized as an agent for the FBI."

"I understand. I'm not working for the NYPD. I'll be FBI for this. But, Dana, my name is Julie."

"Good. Good. I'll call Russell and Ike. Russell will pick you up at the airport in Atlanta. Ike will get you in at a bar in Atlanta. Ike will be your contact with the Bureau. He'll be in contact with me."

"No problem. See you soon, Dana."

"Be careful down there, Julie."

"Hey, I almost forgot. I get to send a letter right?"

"Yeah, to one person, whomever you want us to notify if something goes wrong. I just assumed that you want us to tell Cragen. He is very adamant that I bring you back in one piece," Dana answered.

"Yeah, I know," Liv answered.

"You don't want to tell Cragen, do you?"

"He already knows."

"Then, Elliot?"

"No, Elliot left. We haven't talked since. Too many bad memories, I guess. He has enough to deal with, having the Kathy and kids. He doesn't need to worry about me anymore."

"Then, who?"

"Alexandra Cabot."

"Your former A.D.A.? I thought she was working with U.N. and Interpol now. Well, not my call, yours and all. Go ahead and write it. I'll personally make sure that she gets it."

"Thanks, Dana. You do that and I'll call this even."

"You help me get these people and will be square. Now, go, scoot. Change. Become Julie Seabrook, because in a month. You'll be her until we're done."


	2. Chapter 1-Missing

**Chapter One**

Dana was pacing the 1-6 waiting for Cragen to come in. Rollins and Fin were watching her. Munch was mumbling something about the Feds and it was never good. Amaro didn't know what to think of the Agent as she kept pacing in Cragen's office. It was the fifth time that she'd checked her phone, when Cragen finally came in from the elevators.

"How long she been here, John?"

"An hour, Sir."

"Cap? What's going on? What do the Feds want with us now?" Fin asked.

"I don't know, yet, Fin. But, I hope she has a good reason for being here. How are we looking on the babysitter prostitution ring? Any new leads?" Cragen asked, avoiding his office.

"Yeah, Cap, a few," Rollins answered.

"Then, why are you still in here? Go find something that we can make stick and make them turn on each other. They are all friends. One of them will crack, just keep pushing. If our dear friend Agent Lewis has something to add to the case, I'll call you. Munch, you and Amaro, go see Warner and find out why the babysitters' John was killed."

"Got it, Cap," Munch stated.

All four of them watched as Cragen entered his office. All of them wanted to know what Agent Lewis wanted or needed. Munch looked from the Captain's office and back at Benson's empty desk. Fin saw the look and follow Munch's eyes back to the Captain.

"Think she'll come back?"

"I don't know, Fin. I just don't know. I hope that something hasn't happened. But, we both know that we'll be the last to find anything out. It's how the Feds work. They aren't going to let us know anything that would tarnish their reputations or lose a case."

"I hope she's okay," Rollins added as they all entered the elevator.

"I am sure she is. I am sure that this is just a courtesy visit. Now, let's go find something we can use," Munch stated, as the elevators doors closed, hoping in the back of his mind that he was right and Olivia was okay.

Cragen entered his office. He noted the nervousness of the FBI agent before him. She was damn near frantic. It wasn't good news. Something horrible had happened. That was the only reason that she was there. He knew it. He could read it in her face, her pacing, her movements.

"Sit down, please," he offered as nicely as he could muster.

"I need to talk to you."

"I see that. You're here. Tell me what happened."

"She told you before she left. She told you she was going undercover for us, right? She at least told you that much didn't she, Captain Cragen?" Dana asked, panicked.

"Olivia? Yeah, she told me that she needed a change and that you offered her one. I gave her my blessing over a year ago. Honestly, I thought she'd be home by now. What's wrong?"

"She's broken contact. We don't know where she is. She's been unreachable for two weeks."

"I see."

"Has she tried to contact anyone here?"

"Not to my knowledge. I told them that she was working a case with the Feds, but I couldn't tell any of them any more than that. I don't know what she was working on. Neither of you told me about the case."

"I couldn't."

"I understand that."

"We are looking for her, Don. I … just don't know what to do. I can't go to Atlanta and start a man hunt for her. If she hasn't broken cover, it would break her cover. She has two contacts there. Then, I gave her an emergency contact in case something happened. Someone that no one could suspect."

"Part of her cover?"

"Yeah, she is, or was…"

"Was?"

"Yeah, we found her dead in Savannah two weeks ago."

"And, you think that it has something to do with Olivia being missing?"

"I think it has everything to do with it. I can't prove it. I can't go down there. I have to wait for the evidence to come to me. Look, the DEA and the ATF joined in on this venture. Everyone who was under knew who else was under. They were protecting each other. I just…I am tired of waiting."

"You think that there is something that I can do?" Cragen asked her.

"She listed you as her next of kin. She has a way of contacting family, randomly to let them know that she's okay. She sends something to another undercover, who forwards it. You know the drill. You've gotten your letters and such, right?"

"Yeah, I have, but I also know that in a pinch, she wouldn't contact me."

"Who? Who would she call? Who would she break cover for?"

"Elliot or Alex."

"Elliot's out of the picture, she told me this before she went South. But, Cabot, maybe the link I need. Do you think that she'll talk to me? I need to see her."

"That would be up to her. I can't speak for her. She is the E.A.D.A. of Hate Crimes and still serves with the UN for sex crimes. She stays busy. You can try to talk to her. But, last I heard, she'd just gotten back from the Sudan. Dana, is there something that you aren't telling me?"

"Plenty."

"I mean about Liv."

"Don…she wrote her letter."

"To Alex?" Cragen asked.

"Yeah, she did. I figured you or Elliot. Nope, she told me that she was only writing one to Alexandra Cabot. I promised I would give her the letter personally. I don't want to give her that letter. I need to know if she's had any contact with Olivia first. I don't know how to tell her about this."

"Well, you better think of a reason fast," Cragen said, pointing out his window, "Cause she's here and looks like a woman on a mission. Just be honest with her. She'll be honest with you. If you need my office, it's yours."


	3. Chapter 2-Tell

**Chapter Two**

Alex headed into the 1-6 Bullpen, hoping to find Fin or Munch. She didn't find anyone but Cragen and an FBI agent. She saw them in Cragen's office. She'd met the agent a few times before on some of the cases that Olivia and Elliot worked. She wondered what the 1-6 had stumbled on that made the Feds leave their cushy offices to come slum it with the NYPD.

Alex has always been someone who could read people fairly quickly and easily. She watched Cragen and the agent. Something was wrong and she didn't know what it was. She could tell that it had Cragen worried. She caught Don's soulful brown eyes as he watched her. She caught the slight glimpse that he afforded to Liv's desk.

Alex's heart sank. She looked over the empty desk. The pictures of Liv's mother and of Alex, Elliot and Liv still sat on the desk next the shutdown computer. The barren landscape of Liv's desk and the look on Cragen's face threw Alex's mind into a tailspin. Suddenly, she remembered the letter that Agent Lewis had delivered to her in her office last year. It had been from Olivia. Alex couldn't forget the words that Liv had written and the look of surprise on Agent Lewis face when Alex simply thanked her and went back to work. She was known as the "Ice Queen D.A." but, Liv was the only one who could melt her.

Cragen watched the emotions sweep across Alex's face. Dana stood in his office frozen. Alex pulled the chair out from Liv's desk and sat down. She didn't know what else to do. She knew that Don and the agent would tell her what they needed to tell her, soon. She sat there staring at the blank computer screen and remembered.

* * *

"Miss Cabot, Special Agent Dana Lewis to see you," her assistant told her.

"Send her in."

"Hello, Miss Cabot," Dana stated entering Alex's office.

Alex didn't look up immediately. She motioned to a chair and Dana took a seat. Alex took off her black rimmed glasses and sized up the agent across from her. Her mind began to race through the cases she had trying to figure out which one the Feds were going to steal for their own glory. Nothing came to mind.

"What can I do for you, Agent Lewis?" she finally asked, sitting back in her chair, letting her glasses hang from her hands.

"I came to give you something."

"You're here to help me with a case?"

"No, ma'am."

"But, you have something for me?" Alex questioned, confused, but intrigued.

"Yes, ma'am, I do. I have something from a mutual friend. I told her that I would personally deliver this letter to you. I am just following through with that promise."

"Is that all?"

"Yes, ma'am., I have no other business with the great City of New York."

"You could have just mailed it," Alex said, watching the agent.

"I could have, Miss Cabot. But a promise is a promise and I mean to keep my word. I promised I would hand deliver this one to you today," Dana replied, betraying nothing.

"I see. Wait, this one? There is another letter you are to give to me?"

"Only if necessary."

"You are being vague on purpose. Who sent you with this letter? Why should I care?"

"That isn't for me to say, but I promised Olivia I would give you the letter."

"Olivia?"

"Yeah, she is working with us for a while," Dana answered, carefully watching the lawyer.

"Is she, now? Well, that doesn't surprise me. I guess I can't know on what case, but then, I'm sure that it isn't even here in New York, is it?"

"No, ma'am, it isn't. I can't really tell you anything else. I just wanted to understand why Liv picked you to tell out of everyone. That one is going to bother me, but that is my problem," Agent Lewis stated, as she stood.

She reached into her suit coat pocket and produced the letter. Alex could see Olivia's delicate handwriting on the envelope. Dana handed her the envelope, still trying to gauge Alex's reaction or lack there of. Alex took the letter, not once betraying her heart to the FBI agent in front of her.

"Thank you, Agent Lewis."

"One more thing, Alex, if I may?" Agent Lewis asked.

"Go ahead, Agent."

"What the hell is going on here?"

"What do you mean?" Alex asked.

"I mean, Elliot retired. He didn't fight. Look, I know that he has more to worry about now with Elliot, Jr., but it seems like he didn't fight for it, either. I meet Olivia two weeks ago to go over a case and to remind her about going to the parole hearing for some of the eco-terrorists, but something was off. She was overly distracted, broken almost. I told her that I might have something for her, if she wanted it. Honestly, Miss Cabot, I never thought that she'd bite. Well, she did and she bit hard. So, I ask, again, what the hell is going on with the Manhattan SVU?"

"To be honest, I have no idea. I had heard that Elliot left. I think he deserves his retirement. Can't say that I blame him, SVU will take it out of you. As for Liv, I have no idea. I didn't know that anything was wrong with her. We haven't exactly spoken since I got back from Africa this last time."

"None of my business, but something is eating at her."

"Well, since she is working for you, at the moment, Agent Lewis, I can't help you. Now, you'll have to excuse me. I have to prepare for a case," Alex said, standing to usher her out.

"Yes, sorry, I'm sure you are busy. Forgive me for the intrusion. Good day, Miss Cabot," Dana answered, knowing she was no longer wanted.

Alex returned to her seat and her desk. She stared at the offending letter with Liv's handwriting. She picked up her phone and called her assistant.

"No more interruptions, today. In fact, clear my schedule. I don't have court until tomorrow anyway. And, make sure that no one else knows I am in the office for the rest of the day."

"Yes, ma'am."

Alex sat back again. She replaced her glasses and picked up the letter. She sighed heavily as she opened the envelope. She could only wonder what Liv had to tell her. She didn't send Liv a letter when she went into WitSec. She made them let her tell Elliot and Liv "good-bye." She hoped that Liv would at least have the balls to say it to her face.

_Alex,_

_I am sorry that I haven't tried to contact you more since you've been home this time. I know how much you are needed to help with the international cases. You are a great prosecutor. Please never forget that. You have done so much good in the City and abroad. I'm proud of you._

_Please don't try and stop me. I have to go away for a while. I need to make my mark and believe that I am doing the right thing. Everything has changed, lately. I need the break. Cragen has okayed my leave to go help the Feds with a case. I'll be undercover. I'm sorry. I know that you deserve me telling you this to your face, especially after everything that we have been through, but I couldn't do it. I didn't want to do it._

_Forgive me, Alex, please. I beg you. My heart hurts so much and I don't know what to do to heal it. You've been there for me, through it all, from my Mom to Simon. Don't worry about me. I'll be okay. I just needed you to know that I did this on my own. I wasn't really recruited, I volunteered._

_There are so many things I need to tell you. So many times, I've tried, but I never could find the words. But, every time, I knew. I knew the truth and I couldn't tell you. I'm sorry. I love you, Alex, more than you will ever know. I wish you every happiness, even if it can't be with me. I'm sorry. I know I should have told you earlier, but things never seem to be in our favor. _

_I am writing you, because I hope that when my case is over and I'm home, we can talk. I know you are probably mad and I don't blame you. I had to tell you how I felt, just in case something happens to me. I know that you might not feel the same way, Alex. I just felt like you should know. _

_With all my love,_

_Liv_

Alex stared at the tear stained paper in her hands. She didn't know what to say. Liv loved her. Liv left.

"Come home to me, Liv. I forgive you. Will make it work this time, I promise. I love you, too," Alex told the letter in her hands, willing her thoughts to find Olivia, wherever she may be.


	4. Chapter 3-Found

**Chapter 3**

Liv woke up. She was in so much pain. She tried to move her right arm, but couldn't. She guessed it was broken. She looked around trying to assess the scene. Nothing was making sense to her. She couldn't remember where she was, much less how she got there. She couldn't see anything. It was dark and warm.

"Julie?" a female voice asked quietly in darkness.

"Yeah?" Liv answered back, not knowing if the voice was talking to her.

"Julie, you okay?"

"I've hurt my arm, but other than that, I'm fine."

"Good. I can't move. I can't see you. Can you see me?"

"No, I can't. Do you know where we are? Can you remember how we got here?" Liv asked her.

Liv crawled across the floor. There was some ambient light, coming from God knows where. Liv used it to make it to the other lady in the darkened room with her. She stopped when she felt a foot beneath her hands.

"Julie?"

"It's me," Liv answered trying to comfort the other woman.

She felt the other woman's legs. They were cut and more than likely bruised, but she couldn't tell with so little light. She continued to assess the other woman. She needed medical attention. She needed it quick. Liv decided that she needed to find a way out of wherever they were.

"I'm going to look around, see if I could find a way out," Liv told her.

"Julie, we need to hurry."

"I know, honey. I'm working on it. Give me some time."

"Julie Seabrook, I don't have much time."

Liv snapped her head back in the direction of the other woman. Suddenly, a wave of memories came crashing back. The headache she thought she had got worse. She didn't know where she was, but she remembered that she was undercover as "Julie Seabrook." The other woman was more than likely the woman that Julie was seeing. A year's worth of muddled memories to sift through in moments and Liv pulled her name out of the dark recesses of her concussed brain.

"Frankie, we are going to be okay. Don't worry, sweetheart. I'm going to get us out of this."

"Julie, we don't have the time. He isn't going to wait. I need you here, with me, now," Frankie answered.

"Frankie, I've got to get us out of here."

"Julie, my water broke," she replied.

Liv's heart stopped. _Not here, not now, _she thought. More memories came crashing through. Frankie was eight and half months pregnant. She was with "Julie" at the time. Frankie wanted "Julie" to be the other mother. She had already drawn up legal work. They had both signed it. The baby was going to be Liv's too. She knew that when the case was over, she would have to leave, and Julie Seabrook would die. She thought she would have more time. That the Feds would have already had enough to move, but instead she found herself in some dark, dank hole with a pregnant injured woman about to go into labor.

"Frankie…okay, damn it. This is not where we need to be. I'm going to try to find a way out. I'll be right back. I'm sorry, give me just a second. I'll be right back. I promise, Frankie."

Liv rubbed her face, with her good hand. She stood up and tried to find a door, a light, a window, anything. Her arm hurt like a bitch, but she knew that Frankie didn't need to have her baby there. Liv had to find a way out. She couldn't have the baby be born in those conditions. She needed to get help and she needed to get it fast.

"Frankie, how you doing?" Liv asked as she continued to try to find the way out.

"I'm starting to get contractions, Julie."

"Okay, okay, sweetheart, I'm coming back."

"Julie?"

"What is it, babe?"

"Why did the gang take us?"

"I don't know," Liv lied.

"Well, I hope someone comes back soon."

"Me too, Frankie. Me too."

"Julie?"

"Yeah?"

"I don't feel good."

"I know, Babe, I know," Liv told her, taking her hand.

"Julie?"

"Yeah," Liv replied, holding her tighter.

"The baby is coming. The baby is coming! Julie!"

Liv let go of her hand and repositioned herself between Frankie's legs. She had never delivered a baby. She'd come close once or twice, but the bus had always gotten there and the EMTs had to deal with. Elliot, Jr. was the closet she'd ever come. She knew that she didn't want to deliver Frankie's baby here. Liv knew enough to be dangerous when it came to medical care. What she wouldn't give for Melinda right now?

"Frankie, I'm going to do what I can for you. I promise. I'm not leaving you," Liv told her.

Liv held her hand. She tried to comfort Frankie as much as she could. Liv didn't know what else she could for Frankie. She knew that she would have to wrap the baby up somehow. She took her shirt off and decided that she would have to use that. Her body suddenly felt cold with nothing but "Julie's" trademarked black wife-beater on. The movements cause her arm to throb and she so desperately wanted to scream, but she knew she couldn't. She needed to comfort Frankie. Frankie needed her.

"Frankie, it's okay, baby. I've got you. The baby will be okay."

"Julie, I'm scared."

"I know, Frankie. I know. I've got you though."

Frankie screamed and Liv tried to help her through the contractions. She placed her shirt on Frankie's knees and tried to assess how she was progressing. Liv knew it wouldn't be long. She tried to find her cell. One last ditch effort to call for help, it would be a "Hail, Mary," but she had to try. Frankie didn't deserve this. The baby sure as hell didn't either.

"Julie?"

"Yeah, Babe?"

"I love you."

"I love you, too, Frankie," Liv replied, grimacing as her mind turned to Alex, wondering if she would understand.

She shook it off. She didn't have time to dwell in the past. She had to focus on Frankie and the baby. She had to help them. She felt around again and felt the baby crowning.

"Not too much more, Frankie. Another push or so. I know you can do, sweetheart."

"I am so tired, Julie, so tired."

"I know, Babe, but give me one more push, okay? Let me get the baby out and then you can rest. I promise. We need to deliver the baby. Can you do that for me, Frankie? Can you help me?"

"Yeah," Frankie answered weakly.

Liv got back into position, one armed, but ready to catch. She felt Frankie moving beneath her. She heard Frankie's blood curtailing scream and then the baby's first cries. She carefully wrapped the baby up and held it close to keep it warm. She heard Frankie panting.

"Oh, good…I want you to name him…something…a name you always said in your sleep…Must have been your Dad, cause I heard Russell tell me how much you loved him…Name him after your Dad, Julie. Please."

"You can name when we get to the hospital. Frankie, you're going to be okay. I promise," Liv stated, wondering what Frankie was talking about.

"Name him Alexander, Julie, promise me…" Frankie started and then began to cough.

"I will, Frankie, I will. I'll name him Alexander for you. Just stay with me now, sweetheart. Stay with me," Liv begged, grimacing again at the thoughts of Alex that betrayed her in her sleep.

"Julie?"

"Yeah, Frankie?"

"I hear sirens. Do you hear sirens?"

"I do, Frankie. They are coming for us. We're going to be okay. I promise. Just stay with me, love, stay with me. They are almost here. I promise. Everything is going to be okay. Frankie? Frankie, honey, come on. Wake up. Stay with me…Frankie...Frankie..."

Suddenly, Liv was blinded. She held the baby tighter to her chest, silently making the decision to die rather than give up the baby to whoever was there. She would fight. It would hurt. But, she would save that baby. She would save Alexander. She would do it for Frankie.

"Julie?!"

"Russell?"

"It's okay. It's okay. We've got them. We got 'em. You did it."

"Yeah, but they got Frankie."

Russell turned in the light and saw the dead woman on the floor. He looked Olivia over and finally noticed the baby in her hands. He tried to take him, but Liv wouldn't let go. She stared at him, blankly.

"Julie, it's over. Hand me the baby. We'll take you all to the hospital. Let me have him."

"No!"

"Julie, it's okay. We're the good guys, remember? Come on. I'll ride with you. But, let me hold the baby. You only have one good arm right now," Russell told her.

"He's mine."

"Who is?"

"The baby, he's mine"

"I let you and Ike deal with that. Come on. We need to get you to the hospital. The baby needs to be checked out and you need some stitches."


	5. Chapter 4-News

**A/N Thanks for the reviews. I am going to try to post a new chapter daily, until I think the story has run its course.  
**

**Chapter Four**

Cragen watched Alex for a few more minutes before he had to let Dana tell her. Dana was still pacing in Cragen's office. Alex was still staring at the pictures on Liv's desk. Cragen opened the door to his office and walked across the squad room to Liv's desk. He passed the desk and went to the coffee maker. He made Alex a cup of tea and set it on Liv's desk. He waited for Alex to look up. He leaned up against the desk.

"She's dead?" Alex asked, picking up the mug, slowly taking a drink.

"No."

"Why is Agent Lewis here, then?" Alex questioned.

"She needs to talk to you."

"Captain?"

"Alex, I don't know any more than you do. Please come into my office. I'll be in there with you. Let's go into my office and let Agent Lewis give us whatever news that she has."

"I don't want to know."

"Yes, you do, Alex. You want to know because you care about her. You want to know because of how she left. You want to know because you are worried about her," Cragen told her, as she turned to look up at him in disbelief. "It's okay, Alex. I know. Liv knew, too. Things happen for a reason. So, let's go into my office and find out what's going on, okay?"

Alex nodded, numbly as she stood. She held on to the mug of hot tea like it was her lifeline. She could feel the anxiety building in her chest and it was palpable as she entered Cragen's office. He led her to the couch and sat her down. He lean against his desk.

"Agent Lewis, please tell us what you know," Cragen stated.

"Well, Captain, a year and half ago, deputized Agent Benson went undercover for the FBI down South. She was getting us valuable Intel from the inside of an organization. She was in deep. She was in really deep. She had two handlers and an emergency contacts," Agent Lewis started.

"Cut the shit, Agent, and tell me what the hell is going on," Alex said, setting the mug down on Cragen's desk and staring at Dana.

"Alexandra Cabot, right? I know that you don't like me. I know that every time I show up in 16th something bad usually happens. I don't know what to tell you right now," Dana answered.

"Just tell me. Just tell me what happened. Where is Liv?" Alex asked, the tears forming but Alex willed them not to fall. She was not going to falter. She had to be strong, for Liv.

"We don't know."

"What the hell does that mean?"

"Alex, the FBI lost contact with Liv two weeks ago."

"And, you are just telling us this now?" Alex questioned, the anger in voice noticeable.

"My contacts in Georgia weren't sure."

"They weren't sure. Liv has been in your care for a year and a half. You lost contact with her while she was undercover and you weren't sure that you lost contact. What kind of operation are you running, Agent Lewis?"

"Alex…" Cragen started.

"No, Captain, I want to know. When exactly did you know that she was missing? Two weeks ago? Yesterday? Why all of the sudden after two weeks of no contact did you decide that something was terribly and horribly wrong with situation?"

"I'm sorry. I know your history and I know that Benson trusted you above everyone else. But, I can't answer that. I wasn't notified that Benson was missing until this morning, when we found out…"

"Found out what exactly."

"Well, Sugar, my best gal who is undercover was found dead in Savannah. No, Miss Cabot, it wasn't Liv. She was still undercover in Atlanta. My former partner, Special Agent Sally Watkins, was found dead by the St. Mary's PD by the ferry landing to Cumberland Island. She was on vacation, taking a break between cases."

"What was her relationship to the case?" Cragen asked.

"She was Benson's extreme back up. She was the last contact that Liv made. I knew that Liv was getting real close to getting us everything we needed. She was getting really deep. Russell was getting worried with how deep and how close that Liv was getting with her mark. I called Sally and had her go see Liv."

"What was her cover?" Cragen probed.

"Sally met her at the biker bar. She gave Liv some new boots. New boots that I had sent to be given to Liv, I knew that Sally would have to be the one to give them her. It would have to be public and the gang bangers would have to see them. It would make it easier when she started wearing them. Sally was pretending to be her ex-lover from Virginia. Liv was briefed before Sally showed. They had some banter and Sally gave her the boots."

"What was so special about these boots?" Alex asked, dismissing the comments about Liv's cover story, staring icily at Dana with her darkening blue eyes.

"We put a GPS in them. It was a way to track her without a cell or other planted device. I knew that Liv wouldn't take a chip and this biker gang is good. I mean real good. They've got goods that we could only dream about. I knew that they wouldn't suspect the boots."

"How?"

"They dressed Liv down during the initiation phase. Checked every stitch in her clothing. We decided to get the boots in. The GPS chip was in the heel, buried. We tested them in the lab. You couldn't detect the chip. Liv was ordered to wear them any time she went into a gang function and to the bar. She understood and agreed."

"So, you still can't find her, even though she was chipped?" Alex questioned.

"That's the problem. The chip isn't relaying properly. Ike and Russell have already called out the dogs out. I have every available agent scouring every inch of the area and other possible places trying to find Benson," Agent Lewis replied.

"But, yet, you have no leads?" Cragen asked.

"Yeah, I know," Dana answered, as she started pacing again, "I would be there if I could. Alex, I don't know what else to do right now. I came here because I need your help. I need you to help me find her."

"What?!"

"You are the only person that Liv trusts more than Cragen. I know that she has snuck out some mail through Sally back to you. All our covers have the one person they know they can use to forward through. They develop a code to work with. The contact translates and forwards the message. It may be months, sometimes but they do send word."

"I haven't gotten anything from Olivia since you gave me that later," Alex replied, flatly.

"Alex, any emails from a new online friend? A random postcard with no reason? Anything weird?" Cragen asked.

"I haven't had any contact with her, since before she left New York. Don, you knew more about her leaving than I did. I didn't know anything until Agent Lewis walked into my office and handed me the letter. The first of two that I am sure that Olivia wrote. I am sure that you have the second letter with you, and now, I understand why you wouldn't give it to me last year, Agent Lewis. I am not sure that I want it now…or ever. Could she have gone rogue?"

"No. Not Liv, she believes in justice too much. You know that, darlin'."

Alex sat there. She wanted to run out of Cragen's office. Cragen looked up in time to see Munch and Fin coming back into the bullpen.

"I'll go deal with them. You two stay in here and figure out what we can do to help Liv. If I have to pack a bag and go to Georgia and play 'Dad' I will. Agent Lewis, find her."

Cragen walked out of the office to deal with the other detectives. Dana and Alex just stared at each other not knowing what to say or to do. Alex was visibly shaken, but determined not to show it. She began to bolster herself up when Agent Lewis' phone rang.

"Excuse me, a second," Dana stated, answering her phone.

Alex started into space. Liv was in trouble. Something was wrong. She knew it. She could feel it and it hurt. She couldn't help Liv. She didn't even know where Liv was. She was powerless. The great and mighty A.D.A. Alexandra Cabot, niece of Judge Bill Herrington, one of New England's power house daughters, was utterly powerless to help. Money was not going to work.

"Alex?"

Alex could feel her self start to break. She could feel the tears forming again. She didn't want to appear to be weak, but she didn't know how to be strong without Liv there for her. Her soul was aching and she couldn't ease the pain. Something was wrong, she just knew it.

"Alex?"

"Yeah," she answered, choking on a sob, but still willing the tears not to fall.

Alex looked up, as Cragen re-entered his office and shut the door. He looked at Dana, who had a lop-sided grin. She was watching Alex. Cragen, immediately, put his hand on Alex's shoulder in comfort.

"Alex?"

"Just tell me," she pleaded, a little above a whisper.

"They found her."

"They found her?" Cragen asked.

"Yeah, the boots worked."

"But, you said-" Alex started.

"The battery was dying in them. It couldn't make a strong enough signal anymore. I'll have to remember to add that to my notes for later applications. But, we found her. She is okay. They are taking her to a hospital and then we'll transfer her somewhere safe. She'd been made."

"But, she's okay?" Alex asked.

"Yeah, Kiddo, she's okay. Now, I have to go talk to some more suits. But, if I was you, Miss Cabot, I'd pack a bag or two for a sudden Southern vacation. I've heard that Georgia is nice this time of year. But, then again, I might be heading for the rivers of Virginia. Maybe around Quantico, if I played my cards right."

"What are you telling me?"

"She is saying that they are going to extract her as soon as they can. You'll be able to see her once they get to Virginia. I am sure that Agent Lewis can make arrangements for you to get a secure enough clearance to go, isn't that right, Agent Lewis?" Cragen answered.

"That is exactly what I am saying. You need to take a vacation, a leave of absence, whatever you want to call it with the D.A.'s office. You are about to go on a field trip, understand?"

"Why me?" Alex asked.

"Because, Liv asked that you be notified first. She might need someone to smile at. I don't know. I can't keep her in Georgia. She's been made. I can't bring her home until she debriefs. I am sure that she would like a friendly face to be there. Besides, she's injured. She'll want a friend. I'd call Elliot, but she told me to leave him out of it."

"She might need help? Help with what? You told me she was okay."

"Alex, I need you to think. Think back to when you were Emily in Wisconsin. You were gone for three years. You became Emily. Liv has been under for over a year. She might need someone to remind her who she really is and that she isn't Julie Seabrook. I am sure that you can understand that. Sometimes we need a friend to remind us who we are," Cragen told her.

"Are you sure you want me? Are you sure she wants me? This could blow up in our faces. I don't know that I would be of any help," Alex stated.

"Alex, you were in WitSec. Who did you tell your secrets to when you got back? Who did you go to when you felt like you were losing your mind because you came back to your life?"

"Olivia," Alex answered.

"Exactly, and she's going to need your help."

Alex stared at them both. There was still something amiss but she couldn't figure it out. What did they know that Alex didn't? There had to be another reason.

"I'll agree to go, but only on one condition," Alex told them.

"What's that?" Dana asked.

"You tell me what is really wrong with Liv."

Dana looked at the blonde and smiled. She didn't have a clear picture as to what had happened. Ike had only told her that "Julie" had been found and she was alive. Being the senior Agent for the Task Force, Dana ordered that Liv be taken to the hospital and transported to Knoxville before she was flown to Quantico. Dana wanted to see Olivia first. She wanted to know what she was going to be dealing with before Alex was involved.

Dana knew that she needed to call Ike and Russell back. She needed to find out what they knew and fast. She would have to update the DEA and ATF that afternoon. She needed to be planning on who to get Liv home and safely, but she needed to know if Liv was Liv.

"As soon as I know something, you'll know. I need to get back to the office so I can follow up. I'll call you as soon as I know something, Sugar. Don't worry. Liv is strong and she's alive," Dana replied, snatching up her things and walking out of the office.

"Alex," Don started.

"Don't."

"She's alive, Alex."

"I know," Alex replied, as she started crying.

Cragen closed the blinds to his office. He didn't want anyone else to see Alex like this. Hell, he didn't want to see Alex like this.

"She's okay, Alex."

"I know."

"Go with Dana to Quantico. See for yourself. Talk to her. Tell Liv you forgive her and then for God's sake tell the woman you love her, so she'll come home and stop this foolishness. I am getting too old be worried about the both of you. Now, buck up and be the Alex Cabot, I know."

Alex just looked at him in horror. He knew. He knew that they loved each other and he never said a thing.

"Don't look at me that way, Counselor. I may be old and not out in the field that much, but I am still a detective at heart. Now, go home and clean up. Pack your bags, so you can bring Liv home. I'll call Cutter. I'm sure he won't mind you going on special assignment for the FBI."


	6. Chapter 5- Hospital

**Chapter Five - Hospital**

"How is she doing?" Ike asked Russell, who was pacing outside a closed ER cube.

"I don't know. No one has come out yet to tell me anything. What the hell were we thinking?"

"Calm down, Russell. She's okay. We got the goods and the gang. She did fine."

"But, at what cost? We lost a civilian in the warehouse. Julie is lying there, and we have another problem in the nursery. I don't know what the fuck happened. We don't know where Julie has been for two weeks. You show up here and expect me to be happy that we won this one. Fuck you, Ike. She is my partner in this and she was held for two weeks."

"I know that, Russell. Calm down. I'm on your side."

"Fuck you, Ike. Fuck you. You tell Lewis I'm done with this. I am done with you. You can go back to Washington or Timbuktu. I don't care. This is your fault. I'm writing everything up into my report. Lewis will get it when she gets here. I know that she will be here soon."

"She is coming, but-"

"Don't. Just don't. I have nothing else to say to you. You were supposed to be running intel and making sure that Julie didn't go into anything blind. You were supposed to make sure that the DEA and ATF were there, too. Where were they? Where were you?" Russell questioned.

"I did my job," Ike told him.

"Well, isn't that great? I don't care, Ike. I don't care. I have to take care of Julie and now a baby. I don't have time for your shit anymore. Go push some papers around. When this blows over, I'm gone. I am getting reassigned. I am finished with you."

"I didn't set her up, Russell. I was looking for her, too. I am worried about her, too. Do you think that I am happy that she is in that bed? Do you?"

"I don't care what you think. Your thoughts are my own and you really don't want mine right now. I am going to check on the baby. You should be gone when I come back."

Russell didn't wait for a reply. He stormed off down the hospital corridor towards the nursery. He knew that the baby was going to be the first thing that Julie asked about when she woke up. He wanted to give her good news.

"Sir, can I help you?" a nurse asked him.

"I am…just wanted to check on my nephew."

"Oh, which one is he?"

"Alexander."

"I am sorry sir. We don't have a baby Alexander here. Are you sure?"

Russell dug around his back pocket and produced his FBI credentials. He flashed them to the nurse, who studied them for a second. He put them back into his pocket.

"I am sorry. The boy…his name is Alexander. I don't know his last name. My sister brought him in, but she is still down in the ER. I would just like to see him."

"Oh, that baby. We have him under Seabrook, sir. Are you Mr. Seabrook?" the nurse asked.

"Yeah, I am Russell Seabrook."

"Well, your partner, Ike Bellinger dropped off the legal paperwork with the hospital lawyer earlier. We received the call about twenty minutes ago. He is fine."

"Paperwork? What paperwork?"

"It seems that your sister's partner had custody papers drawn up naming her the legal and only guardian if something were to happen to her. I believe that the boy's mother died in birth. I am sorry for your loss. But, young baby Seabrook is doing well. He is going to be fine."

"Alexander Seabrook…"

"Yes, sir, Alexander Seabrook, your nephew is a good and healthy baby. He weighs in at seven pounds two ounces and is a whopping twenty-two inches long. The EMTs will still have to come and give us time of birth, but we have arrival at the hospital listed at fourteen fifteen."

"Mark that on his paperwork. He was delivered by Julie Seabrook, as well. A baby boy…I wonder what the hell we are going to do with you, Master Alexander. I wonder if Julie will tell Alex that she named you after him. Excuse, ma'am. I need to check on my sister. Here is my cell number, please call me if there is any change. Until she can speak for him, I guess I'll be the one you need to talk to, being next of kin and all," Russell stated.

"Yes, sir. You would be. I'll put your card in his charts. Once you know what room she's in, we'll see if we can't come up for a visit."

"Thank you. I'm sure that she would like that," Russell replied heading back down to the ER.

* * *

Russell sat in Julie's room watching her breathe. He took stock in her appearance and every part of him hurt for her. He was still waiting for her to wake up. He needed to talk to her. He needed to know what happened.

"Julie…what happened? Why didn't you tell me about Frankie? What happened?"

Ike walked in behind him. Russell felt his presence, but didn't acknowledge it. He was still angry with Ike.

"She didn't tell you because I told her not to."

"Why would you do that?" Russell asked.

"Because she was in too deep and I couldn't pull her out. Frankie knew too much about the organization. She was an easy mark for Julie to play. Frankie wasn't directly involved with any of the trafficking. She was just the former lover of the little sister of the head of the gang."

"She knew all the right people."

"Yeah, and we put Julie in path for a reason. We didn't know that Frankie was pregnant at first. By the time we did, we couldn't back off. We couldn't just simply change directions. Julie brought me copies of the paperwork as soon as they were filed with the Fulton County Courthouse. She needed to make sure that if something did happen they would hold up in court and the minor child in question wouldn't be put in foster care."

"Julie and her kids."

"Yeah, well, you know her background from NYC. Frankie was alone. No siblings or other family who could step up for the child. Julie did it to protect him. She was fighting for that baby before that baby was born."

"How you do know that?" Russell asked.

"Because I told him about D. J. and Robin," Liv answered, groggily from her hospital bed.

"Julie, you're okay."

"What the hell am I doing in the hospital? Where is Frankie? And, what the fuck is wrong with me? I feel like I got hit with a Mack truck," Liv answered.

"What is the last thing you remember?" Russell asked.

"Frankie and I were taking a cruise to Tennessee. D. J. and Robin wanted to come. I thought I could get some more info, so I let them tag along. Frankie never knew fully what was going on, but she knew enough and the players to be dangerous to D. J. I followed them in my car. Next thing I know, I'm in some warehouse hanging by my arms trying to figure out who sold me out."

"And?" Ike asked.

"I have no idea. Where's Frankie? Is she okay?" Liv asked, trying to sit up.

"She didn't make it, Julie," Russell replied, quietly.

"And, the baby?"

"He's fine."

"He…it's a boy. She had a boy. Did she name him?" Liv asked.

"I don't know. You did tell me that his name was Alexander. He's a big boy, too."

"He's okay, though, right?"

"Yeah, Julie, he is fine."

"Ike?"

"The paperwork has been filed. I don't know what the hell you are going to do with a baby, but for all legal purposes, he is yours. The only problem is that he will listed as Alexander Seabrook."

"How is that a problem?" Russell asked.

"Because, Julie is not a Seabrook. We will have to go to court to get it all straightened out. You will have to testify that you are Julie Seabrook due to an undercover operation. Besides, Dana is going to conniption about this. How are we going to explain to our superiors that she became the legal guardian of a minor child, who is currently nameless and now parentless, while undercover? They will have someone's head," Ike stated.

"Then, they can have mine. I am done. I just want to go home," Liv answered.

"Well, you are going to have to wait. As soon as the doctors clear you and little Alexander, we have to get you out of here. We already have word that the gang has put a hit out on you, Julie. Dana wants you back at Quantico yesterday. She will be handling your debriefing. And, whatever you do, don't watch the news?"

"Why is that, Ike?" Russell asked.

"Because Julie Seabrook of the Atlanta Seabrooks, died in a horrible car accident that took place on 285. You will be taking a commercial chartered plane, by the FBI of course, to Richmond under the name of Chastity 'Ci Ci' Carey, of the Virginia Careys. From there, it'll be another plane to Quantico. Dana will be pick you up at the airport. Russell you are going with her. Don't worry about your excuses to anyone here. Russell Seabrook will close shop and sell Seabrook Landscaping to David Correnet. David will be the new undercover lead in Atlanta. Russell, you will be accompanying 'Ci Ci' as her husband, Randy Carey. The child will go with you. His name will be –" Ike was explaining.

"His name is Alexander. It will always be Alexander. You can change his last name. You can change his parentage. But, he will always be Alexander, got it, Ike?" Liv questioned him.

"No problem, Julie, I mean Ci Ci. Alexander will be going along as well. Dana isn't sure what she can do, but she know that as soon as you testify that you are Julie Seabrook in court as part of an undercover operation that it will legally mean that he can take whatever name you want. It would vet you as Julie Seabrook, even though you will no longer be using that name. No one would have a legal leg to stand on. But, you aren't his mother, Ci Ci. Do you think that this is wise? Are you sure that you want to do this? It's career suicide," Ike stated.

"That boy is my son. I will not abandon him because I can't. He is mine," Liv replied as she raised herself up in the bed, ready for war. She didn't know why and hell, she didn't care, but she was going to fight for that boy until there was no fight left in her. Then, she would die for him, knowing that she gave him the best chance that she could.

"I'll testify to it, if I have to in court. Alexander stays with Jul—I mean Ci Ci. He is our son. Get the paperwork ready, Ike. As soon as, Ci Ci, is feeling better we're leaving for home."

"I want to see my son," Liv replied.

"I'll get the nurse and the paperwork ready. Let me know when you are ready. I'll have a limo pick you up and take you to the airport. Ashley should be her in half an hour with your things and your wardrobe. Take care of yourselves," Ike said, leaving them alone in Liv's room.

"I want to see my son," Live stated, again.

* * *

Russell smiled. He could see her coming back. She was a fighter. She was tough. And, she would be one hell of a mother. He feared for anyone that would deny her Alexander, now. He was her son and Ike would make sure it happened. Russell stood there smiling as the nurse brought the little bundle in.

"Can I hold him, darling?" he asked Liv.

"Sure, honey," she replied, playing along in their new roles.

"He's gorgeous," Russell stated taking the boy in his arms, "I guess your mother was right."

"About what, darling?" Liv asked confused, as Russell smiled at the nurse.

"The blond hair does skip a generation in your family. It's so blond, it's almost white. And, I bet that he has the deepest blue eyes, too," Russell stated.

"No, sir, they are as dark as yours," the nurse replied.

"Brown eyes?"

"Yes, sir, he has both of your eyes. I think I see your chin, ma'am. But, he is going to be a heart breaker when he grows up. He already has half the nursery staff fighting over who gets to take care of him. I am just glad that you are doing better. I was sorry to hear that your labor was hard because of the accident," the nurse stated.

_Ike works fast, _they both thought as they stared at each other.

"Yeah, it was horrible," Liv answered, thinking about Frankie and the warehouse.

"It'll be okay, now, Ci Ci. Alexander is okay. You are okay. And, soon, we'll be back in Virginia at the horse farm with Mother and Father," Russell stated, seeing the pain flash across Liv's face.

"Virginia, oh, how I miss thee…"


	7. Chapter 6- Conference

**Chapter Six - Conference**

Alex was pacing in the non-descript gray conference style room at the FBI center in Quantico. She took her glass off more than once and pinched the bridge of her nose, trying to alleviate the tension headache that was building. She was nervous. She hadn't been this nervous since she met Olivia the first time she walked into the 1-6, back when she actually worried about making a name for herself. No, now, she was worried that Olivia wouldn't know who she was, wouldn't remember who she was, and wouldn't care. Alex was scared.

"Sit down, Miss Cabot. Worrying a hole into my carpet isn't going to make anything better. Have a seat. Ike and Russell will be in here soon," Dana told her.

"How can you be so calm about this?" Alex asked her.

"Lots of practice, darling. This is how I spend most of my days now. Briefings and going over task force notes with other senior agents. Trust me. I would rather be in the field or undercover making the case. But, I am past my prime and that ship has sailed. Now park it," Dana replied.

Alex kept her glasses in her hands and she finally took a seat near Dana. She began to twirl her glasses through her fingers. Dana reached out and stilled Alex, giving Alex a look as she did it.

"You'll get to see her soon. By the way, I got you vetted. You have FBI credentials for the time being. You'll have full access to Olivia while we debrief her."

"Why?"

"Because I know that she might just disclose to you. If she does, I need to be able to explain why you are there. The USDA doesn't care, but it'll look better on paper. Besides, I am trying to arrange for an apartment at Quantico Heights, our lovely FBI housing for the Academy. I am asking to get y'all put in an unoccupied building near the FBI hospital. You'll have as much privacy as I can afford between briefings and testimony. It is going to be a rough couple of weeks for everyone, especially you. You sure you can do this?"

"I have to, don't I?"

"Alex, I know that you aren't happy about this situation. Hell, Sugar, I am not happy about this either. I damn well know that Olivia isn't either. She's is probably going to be mad as hell to find out you are here. Look, I know that you still moonlight for the ICC. I can talk to the USDA and see if you can work the case, too, if you want. I mean you are an international DA, how hard would it be for you to work for us instead of NYC?"

"Don't," Alex said, standing back up and putting her glasses back on. She made her way to the window and stared out of it. She stared at the trees and the blue sky; trying to find a reason…for everything she was about to deal with and more. She could do this, she kept telling herself. She had to do it, for Liv. She had to be strong for Liv, for all the times that Liv was strong for her, for everything they had been through…but mostly, for Liv and love.

"Alexandra, I'm sorry. I just figured that you would like to throw the book at the bastards that did this to Olivia and the rest of the people they hurt. I didn't mean anything by it. I am sure that you just want to go back to New York as soon as you can. I am willing to help with that, but I need you to be on top of your game here, Girlie. Olivia went into a dark world and came out beaten. I need to know that you can help with this. If you can't, tell me now. Once you're briefed, I can't let you go. Once you see Olivia, I can't let you go. This is your only time to run. Once Ike and Russell get here, you'll be officially part of the case."

"I've dealt with drug rings, prostitution rings, trafficking of children, kiddie porn and rapists. I don't think you can tell me anything that will surprise me. I've been in WitSec, twice. I've in the deepest, darkest parts of the Congo and faced down militant rapists. I've handled Olivia through the good and the bad. We've bonded over alcohol and perps. I can handle it."

"Good. Sit. Breathe. This is about to get nasty," Dana stated as Ike and Russell walked in.

* * *

"Okay, we'll deal with all of that later, boys. I need you to settle down. Alex is going to be here whether you like it or not. She is an ICC prosecutor. She's in it for the possible international connections. And, no, Ike, she isn't taking this case. She's in it for personal reasons."

"What was your name again, ma'am?" Russell asked, regarding Alex like they had met before.

"My name is Alexandra Cabot. I am the Executive Assistant District Attorney for New York City with the Hate Crimes Unit and an APICC for Sex Crimes. I am purely here to help, Gentlemen," Alex stated.

"You're Alex?" Russell asked, smirking.

"Yes?" Alex replied, looking from Russell to Dana and then back to Russell.

"Wow, I was wrong. So very wrong from the beginning. But, it all makes so perfect sense, now," Russell stated, before he asked Ike, "Did you know?"

"No, I didn't. I just thought she was good. I mean, she had Frankie in less than a month from their meet. I didn't see this coming either," Ike replied.

"Do you, gentlemen, mind sharing your insight?" Dana asked.

"She is Julie's Alex," they both replied.

"Who is 'Julie'? And, what does that have to do with the case?" Alex asked then all.

"Julie Seabrook was Olivia's undercover name. It is also the only name that Russell and Ike knew her under. Sorry, I thought that I had briefed you on that," Dana answered, but then asked, "So, what does Alex have to do with the case?"

"You never told her? All the reports that I sent in about her saying 'Alex' over and over again in her sleep that I sent you, and you never told her. I thought Alex was her lover or ex-husband. Did you know?" Russell asked Ike.

"I had no idea. I just thought that they were ramblings. I didn't push the issue when I spoke with Julie, I mean Olivia. I didn't want her to break while she was under," Ike asked.

"Explain that statement, please, Mr. Bellinger," Alex demanded.

"I'll tell you, counselor. I was under as Julie's brother. We lived together in a nice house up in Vinings, just outside of Atlanta. She has her own room, a car, and motorcycle. She came and went as she pleased, like she was supposed to do. She reported to me anyone or anything that seemed out of place or new to the scene. I would run them, and then, report anything up to Ike, like standard procedure," Russell answered.

"And, that has to do with me, how Agent?" Alex questioned.

"I awoke one night to Julie screaming. I ran down the hall and to her room. She was having a nightmare. She kept calling out for 'Alex.' I called Ike about the next day. Asked him to dig into it to make sure that it wouldn't break her cover, and Ike told me not to worry about it."

"It was nothing. A lot of people say shit in their sleep. I didn't think it was pertinent. Besides, you made Alex out to be her Dad who died in the line. I didn't think it would matter."

"It didn't. It still doesn't. Let's move on. Olivia went under and got us our information. What I want to know right, Gentlemen, is how she went missing and what condition she is in? We will start the debriefing with Olivia as soon as our doctors clear her. So, I want to know what happened over the last three weeks," Dana stated.

"She told me that she and Frankie were going on a bike cruise to Tennessee. The gang was having a meeting soon after they got back. She said that Robin and D. J. were going with them. She told me it sounded like a friendly outing, but she would wear boots. We had her tailed. They lost the tail. We activated the GPS. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary until she didn't report back on Thursday when she was supposed to be back in town. The GPS recorded her back in Atlanta. She hadn't reported but we had the GPS signal. We watched it. It moved around in the gang haunts. We never had any reason to suspect that she was out or injured. We couldn't exactly go storming into anything. It would tip the scales," Russell stated.

"So what did you do?" Dana asked.

"We waited. We baited. We listened. We tailed. Nothing gave us any reason that anything was wrong until Sally was found dead," Ike added.

"What tipped you off that they were related?" Alex asked, getting a little edgy.

"Sally was Julie's 'hail, Mary' contact. She was the only one that would get into the scene and get Julie out if need be. Julie never asked for it. She was good. Julie held her own with them more than once. Sally's murder was a hit. I went down to check the ballistics myself. The bullet came from one of Robin's lieutenant's guns. We then moved to extract Julie. We knew that something was wrong. We went to the last location that she was known to be at," Ike stated.

"I was first in. It was bad. They weren't there, but I could tell that they had been there before. There was blood, clothing and signs of a fight. I called Ike and got CSU in there to process it. By then, the GPS was failing. We didn't know that the battery was dying in her boots. We went to every know location that we had on record. We hit each one of them hard," Russell stated.

"Russell and I met up at the safe house in Atlantic Station. We decided that to raid the warehouse in Piedmont ourselves. We made our way into the warehouse," Ike started.

"I ran point. I was the first one in. I found Julie and Frankie. They were both hurt. Ike and the rest went around to find Robin and D. J. Ike caught up with them while I was dealing with Julie and the baby. Julie was shell-shocked. She was there but not. I had to fight her to get her in the bus and to the hospital. All she kept telling me was that the baby's name was Alexander. Frankie was already dead. We are waiting for her death to be ruled homicide."

"Wait, what?" Dana asked.

"Frankie was over eight months pregnant. Julie delivered the baby while they were in that warehouse. I stayed behind and dealt with the scene. Everything was processed. I met Russell at the hospital later," Ike added.

"Back up, for me, a second. They took Frankie, too? And, shewas pregnant, when they took Olivia?"

"Yeah, beat them both, too."

"They better be glad I don't have jurisdiction here," Alex said, shooting up from the table.

Ike and Russell watched her. Dana didn't seem fazed and wanted them to continue. She motioned for them to finish their story. She let Alex continue to stare out the window, knowing that the next parts were going to be rough for her to hear.

"So, give me a summary of what you found," Dana pushed them.

"From what we've gathered, Julie was hung from the ceiling at some point," Russell started.

Alex turned around and took her seat. She knew that she would fall, falter, if she wasn't sitting when Russell and Ike described the scene they found Olivia in that day. She didn't want to hear it, but she knew that she had to know. She needed to know what happened to Liv in that warehouse so she could help her.

"She was hung up mostly on her right side. It dislocated her shoulder to the point where her ligaments were stretched, but not torn. At some point, her right humerus was broken. They were both beaten, most likely with a baseball bat across the knees and legs. Frankie's legs were more severe than Julie's, but Julie sustained multiple and deeper lacerations. We are still trying to identify the knives that made the marks. There are several cuts to the upper body. Julie gave them one helluva fight even though she was strung up," Russell told them.

"Is there anything else?" Dana asked, watching Alex's reaction, waiting for her to run.

"Yeah, evidently, Julie delivered the baby boy with one arm. She took the brunt of the abuse from Robin and D. J. She had to have taken some blows to the head at some point, but we can't tell when and how many. She's been in and out of consciousness for days. When she is awake, she is lucid, but only asks for Alex. She's been heavily concussed," Ike replied.

"I'll call Huang. Hopefully, he can help us. It's a long shot, but I know he used to help the 1-6. That might be enough for me to get him here for Olivia. Has she said anything else?" Dana asked.

"No, the doctors say she'll wake up agitated and call out for Alex. Other times, she asks about the baby. She woke earlier, screaming out for Alex to stay with her and that everything was going to be alright," Ike told her.

Alex blanched. She knew the reason that Olivia was screaming out for that. She could only hope that the beating she took wouldn't trigger those memories on top of what Olivia had been through. She knew that Ike and Russell were watching her, gauging her reactions. They found what they were looking for. Alex knew that they were only doing it out of the respect and partnership that they had come to share with Liv. It didn't make it any easier for any of them.

"The doctors want to keep her sedated until the swelling goes down, again," Russell added.

"Again?" Alex questioned.

"Her brain swelled during the extraction from Atlanta to here. The doctors are hoping that it will go down quickly. They are monitoring her every move, heartbeat, breath, brain wave, et cetera."

"Can I see her?" Alex inquired in little more than a whisper.

"I don't see why not. She's sedated. She can't hurt anyone. They opted to let her rest until the swelling went down because of the nurse she decided to punch during one of her agitated episodes. I just want to warn you Miss Cabot. She's changed since you've last seen her. You need to be prepared for that. She isn't Olivia. She is Julie," Russell told her.

"I'll be the judge of that," Alex said, standing and walking to the conference room door, "Now, who is going to take me to see her? Dana?"

"I'll take you, Miss Cabot," Russell said.

"We'll all go," Dana corrected him, "I want to see her for myself. I need to see her."


	8. Chapter 7- Vigil

**Chapter 7**

It was late afternoon by the time that Russell, Ike and Dana had left. Alex was again staring out the window, wishing for the New York skyline and hoping that she would wake from some hideous nightmare. She turned around and watched the sedated form of Olivia breathe. She was alive and healing. It was a consolation but not enough.

Alex took stock of the injuries that she could see. Liv's right arm was immobilized. Her left eye was blackened but Alex could tell that the swelling had gone down dramatically. It was the bruises and cuts on Liv's legs that made Alex wince. The cuts weren't that deep in some places, but she saw the stitches in others. The blue-green and various yellowing bruises only made Alex's imagination run wild with ideas of the torture that Liv survived.

Alex stared at Liv's face. The pain was obvious. The hurt was underlying. She would have to wait for the doctor's to allow Liv to be awake before she would know how deep the wounds actually went. It was not a thought that Alex reveled in.

She watched as the nurses would come in and check the instruments, take notes, shift Liv in the bed some and then leave. Alex's heart broke a little more each time a nurse or doctor came in and left, leaving Liv sleeping in that hospital bed. She knew that it was for Liv's health, but she was scared that the longer Liv stated "out," the harder it would be to bring her back.

"Liv, I don't know if you can hear me, but I hope that you know that I am here. Come back to me, Liv," Alex told her, "I am not leaving you this time. I'm going to stay by your side."

Alex made her way back to Olivia's bed. She picked up Liv's hand and held it between both her hands. Alex began to silently pray. Liv had been brought back to her. She wasn't willing to lose her again. There was so much that they needed to say to each other, so much that…Alex stopped herself. She knew that thinking the worst wouldn't help.

"Any change?" Dana asked, coming into the room.

"Not since earlier."

"I got you the apartment. Here are the keys," Dana said, lying them down on the table across the room, "Anyone of the agents can get you there. I'll have a car brought around if you need one for anything."

"I'm staying here."

"Alex…"

"Dana, I am not letting her go, again. Just bring me a blanket and pillow. I'll be fine."

"Okay," Dana answered, knowing that Alex wasn't going to move from her vigil over Liv.

Alex pulled the chair closer to the hospital bed. She sighed and retook Liv's hand. She searched Liv's sleeping face trying to find some recognition, some evidence that Liv knew she was there.

* * *

Alex awoke later. She glanced outside to see that it was dark. She turned back to Liv, trying to figure out what woke her. She still held Liv's hand with hers, willing Liv to get better. That is when she saw it. It was a slight tremor. Liv's hands were shaking, fitfully. Alex immediately covered the hand that she was holding with her other hand, too.

"Alex, no…no…You'll be alright, sweetheart. Stay with me. Come on, Alex, stay with me," Liv stated in a fitful moan.

Alex held her hand tighter. She rubbed her thumbs over the back of Liv's hand. She watched Liv's face screw up in pain and horror only to subside and relax moments later.

"Liv, hun, I'm okay. I am here with you. You're safe. I'm safe," Alex told her.

She felt the tension in Liv subside. She relaxed back herself. She stood to stretch, but caught herself eyeing Liv's sedated form.

Liv was leaner. She'd lost weight. She looked good besides the injuries. Alex remembered when she met Liv years ago, her hair was just a little longer. It was short, but stylish. The red and blond highlights that naturally peppered Liv's hair were back from the Southern sun. She looked ten years younger, again. Alex smiled.

What she would give to go back to those first days in the precinct and ask Liv out? She could only wonder what their future would have been if they could have admitted to themselves how they felt about each other. But, now, Alex had Liv back. Once they got through all the debriefings and meetings, Alex was going to have a long talk with her. They had to talk about everything. Alex had decided that it was, now, there time. Alex knew the importance of living in the now and not waiting…Liv was proof of what would happen if they continued to do that.

Liv stirred in the hospital bed. Alex wanted to call the nurse immediately. She wondered if the drugs were beginning to wear off. She didn't want Liv to be in any pain, but she did want Liv to wake up so Olivia would know that Alex was at her side. Liv stirred again, and the sheet fell further down her torso, exposing her left arm.

Alex gasped when she saw the wounds and the markings. She knew about Liv's bullet wounds and knife wounds. She had seen the scars on her neck and back. She had never seen the tattoos that lined her arm from her shoulder to her elbow on her left arm.

"What happened to you, Liv? I need you to tell me. I need to know where we go from here."

There was no answer. Liv still laid there, out. Alex's mind was racing. There were so many questions and so few answers from the information they had. She kept thinking back to the briefing that she had with Russell and Ike. She knew that she couldn't rush to any conclusions, no matter how bad she wanted to. She would have to treat this like it was any other case. She would have to do her research and use the information that she received.

Dana came in, again, like she had every day to check on Liv and Alex. She watched the young blond as she held Liv's hand. She hadn't moved much since Dana's last check.

"Alex?"

"Dana," she replied.

"Any change?"

"Swelling is going down. The doctors are hoping that she'll wake soon. They have stopped giving her the sedatives. I am just hoping she'll wake soon and remember who she is."

"I know, Darling."

"You're not here because of Liv, are you?" Alex asked, noting the worry on Dana's face.

"No, I'm not. I actually need to talk to you. There seems to be a slight issue with the case. It was a very unexpected issue and one that I am sure that we can't ignore. It may be hard for you to deal with, but we actually need your help with it," Dana told her.

"What is it?"

"Well, you are a lawyer in the state of New York. I need you to help us with the legal ramifications of Liv taking Alexander home with her. According to everything we have found in Georgia, all Olivia would have to do is testify that she was Julie Seabrook while undercover and the legal documents that Frankie filled would be validated and transferred into Olivia's name instead. We need to find out how that will stand in New York. I am sure that she going to want to change the birth certificate. The poor boy is going to have too many names to choose from when he is older," Dana explained.

"As far as I know the paperwork would transfer to New York and be accepted. Liv would have to file for a New York adoption birth certificate. It would list her as the adoptive mother and still carry all the information that any of them from Georgia. We would have to list Frankie as the birth mother. Do you know who the father was? Or is?" Alex asked, amazingly calm about the situation, when she was screaming in her head.

"I am sure that it is in our notes. I can look for you. Is there anything else you would need?"

"I don't know. I'll have to make some calls. If there is anything else I'll need, I'll let you know. I won't file everything with New York County until Liv wakes up and lets us know the full name that she wants the baby to have," Alex stated.

"Well, we have another briefing with the ATF in an hour. You can come if you want. It would do you good to leave this room for a while," Dana told her.

"No, I think I'll stay. I want to be here when she wakes up. I want her to see a friendly face first. I hope that Russell and Ike understand."

"I am sure they do. Get some sleep. I'll be back later if we have any new information for anything international. Call me, if anything changes," Dana stated as she left the room.

She could tell that the baby was going to be a sore subject with Alex. She couldn't really blame her. The fact that Liv was still planning on being the baby's mother even though it was a very fucked up and complicated situation wasn't helping anyone. Alex would have to come to terms with it. Dana just hoped that she could and still be there for Olivia.

* * *

Alex was sitting on the window seat of the bay window in Olivia's hospital room. She was staring at the window, taking the only break she would allow herself during her vigil over Olivia. She could only hope that her presence was felt and helped Olivia heal. She turned back out the window and stared at the foreign Virginian landscape.

It reminded her of the night she and Liv stayed up during the Connors case. The night she went back to New York to testify. She watched the skyline, noting the lack of buildings. She hugged her mug of hot tea as she remembered their conversation.

_"Alex?" Liv asked her._

_"Yeah."_

_"Are you happy in Wisconsin?" Live asked, the pain in her voice evident._

_"Alex is not happy. Emily is okay. It isn't New York."_

_"Never thought you could miss the craziness of the City, did you?"_

_"It is just so…quiet…boring and utterly predictable. I work for an insurance company. There is not excitement in that. There is no thrill of the case and testimony in court. But, I am safe. I'm alive and I know that you are still fighting for me…here."_

_"Do you think that you could make a life there?" Liv asked, sipping on a glass of wine._

_"I could if I let myself. I want to come home so much that I think I sabotage my chances. I mean I'm dating someone, remember? But, it isn't Alex that he calls out. He calls out 'Emily'."_

_"I'm sorry."_

_"It isn't your fault. It is mine. If I hadn't pushed so far, so much, I would still be at home. I wouldn't have missed my mother's funeral. I would still be trying cases for you."_

_"But, you wouldn't be happy about it," Liv stated._

_"Why not?"_

_"Because, you would have backed down. I know that it is the one thing you can't do. You stand up for your principles, and justice. You don't care if it hurts you as long as justice is found, whatever the outcome may be."_

_"I know," Alex stated, "It's my biggest flaw. I have to win. I have to push and push. You know selling insurance is a cake walk against prosecuting SVU crimes."_

_"I am sure."_

_"Liv?"_

_"Yeah?"_

_"You found someone, yet?"_

_"Nope. Every time I think I do, they can't handle the job. Stabler is the only real man in my life right now. But, then again, I'm not throwing myself out there," Olivia answered._

_"I know what you mean. Too many long hours in the office, too many faces and names, too many crimes you are trying to solve and find justice for, what were we thinking? We lived for the victims, punishing ourselves for their justice, for their day in court. Why? Is it worth it?"_

_"Yes, I guess. It's all I know. I deal with the fact that I'm never going to find someone who can deal with my job. There is only one thing that makes me feel incomplete, now."_

_"What's that?"_

_"I want a child."_

_"Wow, can't say I saw that coming. A kid? Really? I guess that just surprises me," Alex stated._

_"Why?"_

_"Because of all the evil that we see every day."_

_"I know that, but that gives me more reason that I should make a difference. If I can change one person's life, then I have done something. That is what I tell myself every night when I go home. I want to change my perspective. I want to believe in humanity, again. I want to know that I can love someone so much that I would die for them," Olivia stated. _

_"And a child is the only way you can have that?" Alex questioned, inching closer to her._

_"No, it isn't. But, I want a child. It's selfish and stupid in my line of work, but I want to know that when I'm gone, I made a difference. I want to know that my legacy will continue, even if my child doesn't follow in my footsteps," Liv told her._

_"You've thought about this for a while?"_

_"Every time the case is a kid, I do."_

_"Liv…"_

_"Don't say it, Alex. Don't. I can't leave SVU any more than you can stop being a lawyer. We can't be someone we aren't. Maybe one day, I'll find the perfect person to be with and have kids. Maybe I'll adopt and live in the country. Who knows?"_

_"I know. I know. Don't give up on your dreams, Liv. Someday it'll happen. You'll be a great mother. You know how I know that?" Alex asked her._

_"How?"_

_"Because one day, I know that I'll come home, back to New York and everything will make sense again. The world will start to make sense. We will have finally found peace and know that we did the right thing every day," Alex answered._

_"You make it sound like we'd both be retired by then," Olivia replied._

_"Maybe, one day, we'll have time off without fearing for the other shoe to drop."_

Alex laughed, silently. She gripped her mug tighter and tried to take a sip. She, then, realized that her cup was empty. She turned to go refill it with water.

"Alex…Alex, is that you?"


	9. Chapter 8- Lucid

**A/N: Thanks for all the great reviews and inboxed messages. I hope that this will clarify some issues and give you a better description of some things y'all were worried about. Keep reviewing and inboxing and I'll keep writing. I'm off again tomorrow, so maybe another two or three chapters...who knows? We'll see...Happy reading.**

Chapter Eight - Lucid

Alex spun around and faced the bed. In the movement, she dropped her mug and it shattered on the floor. Alex was fighting the tears that were welling in her eyes. She ran across the room to Olivia. She grabbed Olivia's hand and held it as she knelt down by the bed.

"I'm here, Liv, I'm here," Alex told her, smiling.

Olivia smiled, slightly in response. She then began to take in her surroundings. She tried to sit up in the bed to get a better look at the room.

"Don't try to get up that way, Liv. You're hurt. You're in a hospital."

"Where?"

"We're in Virginia," Alex told her.

"Why?"

"Because you were undercover and somehow your cover got blown," Alex explained.

"No, not why am I here, why are you here?"

Alex looked at her in disbelief. She was hurt. She knew that Olivia would have had to change while undercover. Alex thought she was prepared for the coldness that she would possess, but she wasn't as prepared as she thought she was. She knew that Olivia could be cold; she'd seen it with her in cases and dealing with perps. She wasn't ready to deal with this Liv.

"I came to help you."

"I don't need your help, Alex. I want to go home. When can I go home?"

"When you are cleared by the doctors and you finish your briefings with Dana and the FBI."

"Then, let's go. I've slept long enough. I can stand on my own two feet. Get Dana down here so we can start my debriefings," Olivia demanded.

"I'll call her."

"You do that."

* * *

Alex was in the waiting room down the hall, when Dana came in. She could see the swollen blue eyes and the sadness on Alex's face. Dana didn't like to upset her and she wanted to know why Liv was pushing already.

"She's awake," Alex said.

"I know. You called me, remember? What happened, Girlie?" Dana asked her.

"She was mad, cold, calculated. I've never seen her this way except with perps. She told me to 'get out and go home.' I don't know who she is. I've never seen this side of her."

"Do you want to?"

"I don't know."

"Yes, you do. You can either stay here and help Liv become Liv again, or you can go home and hide behind your desk while you prosecute. The choice is yours. Alex, I know that she is upset. She just got ripped out of her cover and woke up three states away. I am sure that everything is fuzzy now. Just remember, she sent that letter to you two winters ago before she went under. Under all her bravado, she is still going to need help readjusting. She'd be lying if she didn't."

"Did you get Huang to come?" Alex questioned.

"Yeah, he practically jumped on the next plane out of Oklahoma to get here. He hates it there, and the Bureau knows it. He's doing good out there with the locals though. I've got him temporarily reassigned to us and the task force. He'll be in tomorrow, if he catches the flight."

"That's good. I know that he may have a better report with Liv about this than I do. I just wish that she would trust me enough. I came out of Wit Sec and I hid in plain sight for years. I know that she is going to have trouble readjusting. I just hope that the letter she sent you with will actually mean something to her, now," Alex replied.

"Don't give up. Be there for her. Let her know that you are here for her. She'll come around, eventually. But, for right now, why don't you go to the apartment that we got for y'all to stay in? Start making it homey for y'all. It's going to be a rough couple of weeks or more. Liv is going to have to talk to shrinks, the ATF, the DEA, and me. She is going to be a bear most days, but hopefully, she'll thank you for sticking around," Dana told her.

"I hope so."

"Hey, Kid, she'll be okay. I promised I'd return her in one piece and I will. I'm not letting her go until Huang clears her. He knows her. He'll do right by her. Go on now and get some real sleep. I'll go talk to Benson," Dana stated.

Dana walked into Olivia's hospital room. She could see the weariness and the pain in Liv's face. She could see the defenses already going up. Dana knew that Olivia was going into protection mode. She would stay there until Olivia deemed that she could let her guard down. Dana had done it herself when she came out from her cover.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" Dana asked, as Olivia was trying to get out of bed.

"I am getting out of here. Schedule my briefings. I am done. I want to go back to New York. I should have never come to you. I should have never done this."

"I know, Darling. You did it, though, and now, you got to wait. I can't just release you."

"Why not?"

"Olivia Benson, do you think I can just let you go when you want just because on paper you are on loan from NYPD? It doesn't work that way. You were made a deputized agent, meaning you were working for the Bureau, not on loan."

"Damn, Dana, get me out of here."

"Get yourself out of here. Huang will be tomorrow. You convince him that you aren't going to do anything stupid and I'll try to fast track you through the briefings. Until then, Girlie, you are still mine, got it?"

"Yeah, I got it."

"And, Olivia, you might want to apologize to Alex while you're at it," Dana stated.

Dana walked towards the door of the room. She wasn't going to let Liv get a word in edgewise. She knew that if she got Liv wound up, she might get something out of her.

"Sit tight. I'll go find a doctor and see if I can at least spring you from here. I've got a cozy little place across the campus for you to stay in for the duration."

"Wait, what the hell? Why do I need to apologize to Alex? I didn't ask her to be here."

"Didn't you?" Dana questioned, stopping in the doorway.

"When?"

"Over and year and a half ago in your own handwriting," Dana answered, closing the door to the room behind her as she left. It was enough. It would push Liv back to being Liv.

Dana walked the corridor to the nurse's station. She would let the nurses know that Olivia was awake and that she could be transferred to the apartment as soon as the doctors cleared her.

Liv managed to get the bed into a sitting position. Her body hurt like hell. Her head pounded. She ran her left hand through her short hair. She hated hospitals. She hoped that the doctors would let her go to this apartment soon.

She stared out the window. She wanted to be outside. She couldn't breathe in the hospital. There were too many things to think about it in the hospital. Thinking was not something that Liv wanted to do at the moment.

_"You wrote two letters?" Dana asked her._

_"Yeah, I hope that's okay."_

_"Whatever you want, Girlie. So, both of them for Alex, that's unusual? You want me to give them both to her at the same time?" Dana asked._

_"No, give her this one now."_

_"And, the other one?"_

_"Only if I don't make," Liv told her._

_"What else do you need?"_

_"Well, I need a barber and an inker. Know of any good ones? I have to get ready."_

_"I know a few. Have you got an idea for something? You know that you can't have anything really gang related or departmental? Remember that it is going to be permanent, so make it something you can live with once you get back. Unless you plan on getting them remove, once you get back," Dana explained._

_"I understand that. I'll need a laptop and a cell, burners of course. Plus, someone is going to have to teach me how to ride a motorcycle. We all know that is going to be important."_

_"I'll make sure that Russell gets you hooked up when you get there with a bike and lessons. You can go downstairs and find a barber. They'll take care of all your hair needs. Ask the barber for an artist reference. He'll hook you up. Just be careful and remember, I need you here at ten AM, no later. There will be more paperwork for you to fill out."_

_"I got it. I'll see you at ten. Just remember one thing for me, Dana," Liv told her._

_"Yeah, and what's that?"_

_"My name is Julie."_

It felt like a lifetime ago. Olivia wasn't sure it wasn't. She had been gone over a year and half. That was a long sting and one a deep one. She knew that most undercover cases only lasted six months to a year.

She realized that she had a year and a half worth of paperwork to go over and brief Dana about. She would have to testify to whatever reports that Russell and Ike sent up. She would have to tell them everything. She would have to remember it all over again.

The only problem was that she was a little foggy. There were snippets of memory, but none of it was fluid. She would have to remember as much as she could so she could go home. Olivia knew that she would have to talk to Huang, too. He would have to make sure that she wouldn't do anything stupid, like try to eat her gun all of the sudden if the memories came flooding back.

Dana walked back into the room. She saw the confused look on Olivia's face. She was searching for something in her memory. Dana didn't want to interrupt her thought process but she knew that Olivia wanted to get out of the hospital.

"Hey, Liv, good news," Dana told her.

"Yeah?"

"You're being released to the apartment. I'll have Mischa bring you up some clothes. Tomorrow, I'll take you to wardrobe again and you can pick out some suits and stuff to wear. But for now, you'll have to deal with jeans and t-shirts of various varieties."

"That's fine as long as I'm out of here."

"You think about what I said?"

"Yeah, so?" Liv asked in response.

"You gonna tell her or do you want me to?"

"Tell her what? That I'm sorry I'm a prick. That my mind is so muddled I can't tell where Liv starts and Julie ends sometimes. Dana, why is she really here?"

"For you."

"Damn it."

"Hey, you don't have anyone to blame but yourself for that one, Benson. You wrote her that letter. You left. You didn't talk to her and as soon as you wake up, you push her away, again. If I didn't know any better I would think that woman was a masochist when it came to you. God knows what she sees in you. I'd've killed you by now. Well, either that, or had my way with you," Dana explained.

"What the fuck, Dana? What the actual fuck are you talking about? I'm drugged, aren't I? I am dreaming about all of this."

Dana walked over to her and tapped her leg. Liv winced in pain and shot Dana an icy look. Dana didn't move. She held her ground, knowing she was about to piss Liv off more.

"Okay, Girlie, I'll take a lot of shit from a lot of people. Unfortunately for you, you aren't on that list. I am a federal agent. It is my business to know things. Besides, I'm Southern not stupid."

"What the hell does that mean?" Liv demanded.

"You told her you loved her in a letter that you sent before going undercover, dumbass!"

"How…how did…how did you know?"

"I repeat: I am a federal agent it is my business to know things. Besides, Liv, you are very good at hiding it. When Russell sent me the pictures of your tattoo, I did my research. Google is an amazing thing."

"Yeah, I know. I use it a lot. So?"

"You tattoo is over three red and I mean RED koi fish. Each is marked with a golden cross. The bottom of the pool is tiled with black chevrons.

"I like history, Liv, and art. I know to look for meanings where you shouldn't find any. It was a brilliant homage to her and to your Mom. I got to say that it was a creative set up and a nice sleeve," Dana told her.

"What did you figure out?" Liv asked her, squinting her eyes like she does when she's interrogating someone. She needed to know how much Dana knew. She wasn't going to betray anything. She wanted Dana to tell her everything.

"Come on, Liv. It's touching. Nice even. Very clever. I would have never thought of it had not one of Alex's distant cousins from Boston come in to see me one day. He had a very nice tattoo on his upper arm. It was a yellow shield with three distinct red fish on it. And, do you know what it said underneath the shield?"

"Cabot."

"That's right. So, I pulled your file and studied the tattoo again. I must say that your inker did a marvelous job of hiding not only the Cabot coat of arms in your koi tableau, but also that of Benson. It was distinct and romantic."

"If you knew, why did you say something?"

"Because you need to tell her you still love her. You need to tell her. Not me, not another agent, not some damn report she is going find or get her hands on. You need to tell her."

"I can't," Liv replied.

"Why the hell not?"

"Because I have to think about Frankie," Liv answered hanging her head.

"Liv, in case you didn't remember, Frankie was your mark. I know you got close to her and all, but you got to let that go. That ship has sailed and there is no calling it back to the dock."

"But, what about Frankie?"

"Darling, Frankie is dead," Dana told her.

Dana watched Olivia shiver at the news. She was waiting on Liv to ask about the baby. When she didn't, she knew that she would have more time for Alex to get everything ready. Olivia moved around blindly as she packed up what little they had given her in the hospital.

"You ready now?"

"Yeah, I'm ready to go."

"What's going to be the first you do, tonight?" Dana asked, trying to get Liv's mind off of things for just a little bit.

"I am going to take a shower, a really long and hot shower," Liv answered, walking out of the hospital room, dressed in a pair of jeans and white wife-beater.


	10. Chapter 9- Shower

**Chapter Nine - Shower**

Dana unlocked the door and helped Liv into the apartment. It was sparsely decorated, but it was better than a hotel room. Dana led her down the hall to the second bedroom.

"Someone else staying here?" Olivia asked.

"Yeah, in the front bedroom," Dana stated.

"A recruit?"

"After a fashion," Dana replied, "Look. Don't worry about your roommate. You need to worry about you. Huang called and he called the 'red-eye.' He'll be in the morning. You won't have to see him until the afternoon. Get some rest. Relax. We'll get through this."

"I just want to take a shower."

"Bathroom is that way. Be careful, though. It has been a week since you stood on your own. I don't want you back into the hospital because you fell in the shower. Take it easy."

"I will. I'll be okay. Leave me some take out menus in the kitchen. I'm sure that I'll be starving after I take my shower."

"Liv, take it easy. I'll come get you in the morning. Your wallet, credit cards and some cash are in your room. I've gotten UC to bring all of your stuff that we had in storage here. Mischa will be down in the morning to get your sizing for your cloths. Just let her know what you want and she'll send them back down for you. That woman is amazing."

"Dana?"

"Yeah?"

"Shut up and get out. I'll see you in the morning. Now, I'm going to take my shower."

Dana laughed. She smiled and left Olivia standing in her bedroom. She made sure to pull out the delivery menus in the kitchen and dump them on the table. She put the Wong Fong's on top, knowing that Liv preferred Chinese take-out.

Liv opened the closet. She noticed her jeans hanging next to some blouses. They were her clothes. She knew that the FBI would take care of her apartment in New York. She just wasn't prepared for her stuff to be in Virginia for her. She shook her head, grabbed some clothes and made her way down the hall to the bathroom.

She slowly, methodically, undressed. She turned the water on and then tested the temperature. She looked at herself in the mirror and sighed. She would check out the wounds and new scars when she done. Right now, all she wanted was to wash away…everything.

She stepped into the spray and let the warm water rush over her. She ran her hands through her short hair and grimaced as pain shot up her right arm. She leaned forward, against the tile and propped herself up with her left arm, as the memories came flooding through her mind.

_Olivia was washing her hair after her haircut. She ran her hands through her shorn dark hair. It would take time for her to get used to it. She knew that she had to go see the tattooist later in the day. She was mentally preparing herself. She was trying to become Julie. She got out of the shower and dried off._

_She walked into the room she would have until she went to Atlanta. The file for her undercover profile was laid out across the bed. She studied it as she dressed._

_"Julie Seabrook," Olivia told the closet mirror. "I am Julie Seabrook."_

_Olivia studied the paperwork some more. _

_"I'm working for…Russell doing paperwork and paying invoices. Great, it's a desk job."_

_She shifted through the file and found a picture of Russell. She studied it, memorizing his face and features. Dana was good at placement. They favored each other enough to pass as siblings. The doctored family photos were in there, too. They looked like a normal happy family._

_"Who are you, Julie?" Olivia asked herself as she began to formulate a cover story._

Olivia stood in front of the mirror, hanging on the inside of the closet door.

"Who are you? Julie? Olivia? Who are you, now?" Liv asked her reflection.

She reached up and traced the bruises on her face. She turned left and then right, noting that her skull hadn't been fractured. It wasn't for lack of trying. The yellowing bruises covered her eyes, cheeks and lips. There were still cuts, long clotted over, on her left eyebrow, the right side of her mouth and ears.

She touched the faded, thin scar on her neck from knife wound she'd sustained while on duty in New York. It was the smallest reminder of who she really was, deep down. She didn't have to see the scars on her back to know they were still there.

As Olivia, noted each new scar, each new wound that she had suffered, she concluded that her face had taken the brunt of the attack. She couldn't remember clearly who started it, but she knew that D. J. and Robin were the ones that beat her. Her legs weren't their normal tan, but more a sick yellow color from the bruises fading. The cuts there were mostly healed.

It had only been a week since extraction and she was already returning to normal. She stared at the face in the mirror again and laughed. _Normal, _she thought to herself, _what the hell is that? _She had forgotten what normal was for her the day that Alex went into Wit Sec.

"Why does everything always go back to Alex?" she chided herself, as she dressed.

She pulled on a pair of dark navy jeans and t-shirt. It was a gray Marines PT shirt. She laughed because she Elliot would rag her about it. She smiled. It was a good memory. One she wouldn't mind remembering and thinking about. Elliot…he had helped her, helped define who Olivia had become as an officer and a detective, he had been a good friend.

"Well, hello there, Olivia. Nice to see you, again. Are you ready to be you, again?" she asked herself.

She was fighting the tears that had begun to form. Everything was coming back to her. There were flashes and tidbits, real as to her mind as if she was back in the moment. The sight of her with her hair short and her face beaten to a bloody pulp dressed in a relaxed outfit didn't stop the flood. It was all finally coming back to her.

She found the corner in her room. She didn't remember sliding down the wall. She didn't remember curling into a ball. She didn't remember burying her head in her knees and hands. She didn't remember when she started crying, but she could feel the tears streaming down her face and hands. She went back to the day she met Ike Bellinger, then day that Olivia died for her and Julie was officially born.

_Olivia stood under the spray of the warm water. She ran her hands through her now short dark hair. All of the highlights had been cut out. She let out a sigh she didn't know that she was holding. She stood there, washing the past away, knowing that in a few minutes Olivia Benson would longer exist. She got out of the shower, dried off and stood before the mirror._

_The fluorescent lights did nothing for her natural beauty. She looked at her reflection. She watched her body move as she once again took stock of her short cropped hair. Her swagger would help her get through this she told herself. She stared at the person loking back from her in the mirror, again. Admittedly, it was Olivia, clad only with a towel around her waist, but then again, it wasn't Olivia. Olivia didn't have a tattoo. Julie did, no matter that it was only ten days old._

_"Well, hello there. You must be Julie Seabrook. Aren't you something?" _

_Olivia stared at the face trying to become her new identity. She kept staring at the face of Julie, the reflection in the mirror, the same face that resembled hers so much. Somewhere in her mind she knew that the reflection was her own, but she couldn't make her mind believe it. The face staring back at her was Julie's, not Olivia's. She rubbed her face and smiled, again, at the mirror._

_"JULIE, YOU READY?" _

_"Yeah, Ike, let me get dressed and I'll be right out."_

_"Well, hurry up. We've got a time table to keep. Things to do and all, you know?" he replied, now, closer to the bathroom door._

_"Yeah, I know."_

_Olivia looked deeply at her reflection one more time, noting the she was not longer Olivia Benson. She had to continue to tell herself that to believe that she was now Julie Seabrook. And, she did it. _

_Julie grabbed a pair of jeans and put them on. She glanced over the rest of the clothes. She didn't know what to wear as a "butch dyke," because the few times she cruised it was in a classy, high end, very hush-hush club. She finally decided on a black sports bra and black wife-beater. Once she was completely dressed, she exited the bathroom to find Ike waiting on her._

_"You ready, Julie?" he asked her, emphasizing the "Julie."_

_"Yeah, where's the briefing today?"_

_"Don't worry about that right now. I need you to do something. I have some questions for you to answer. Standard protocol and all," he told her._

_"Okay," Julie answered, arching her eyebrows at Ike._

_"What's your birthday?"_

_"December 13__th__," she replied without thinking._

_"__Julie,__ what is your birthday?" Ike asked her again._

_"Oh, sorry, May 15__th__."_

_"Julie, you don't have time for sorry."_

_"I know."_

_"When is your birthday?" he asked._

_"May 15__th__."_

_"Good, do you have any siblings?"_

_"Yeah, one brother, Russell. I am going to work for him in Atlanta. Virginia is getting too crowded for me now," Julie told him._

_"And, what is that?" he asked, actually curious._

_"I just got into a bad break up with Sally Watkins. Russell is going to let me stay with him for a while until I decide what I want to do with my life. Besides, I hear that Atlanta has a nice lesbian scene for me deal with," she said, getting cocky about her cover story._

_"And, Sally isn't going to follow you is she? Won't create a problem for you, now that you are moving on, will she? We needed to be prepared for anything," Ike told her._

_"Sally is fictional, Ike. I made her up. There is no Sally. Hell, I'm straight."_

_"Well, this is going to be a load of fun," he murmured._

_"You have no idea."_

_"No, my dear, I don't think you do."_

_"What the hell are you talking about?"_

_"You do realize that your cover is gay. You will have to act like a lesbian. You will be inserted into the bar where the gang frequents to see if they'll bite and try to recruit you."_

_"Yeah, I got that part."_

_"And, you don't care about that, even though you are straight?"_

_"I'm as straight as I need to be."_

_"Well, okay then. Moving on. You'll need to frequent a bar called-"_

_"Dominique's on Piedmont. I know that. Just tell me who the marks are. I'll figure out the rest." _

_"The owners of the bar are Dominique and Robin Golding. They are sisters-in-law. D. J. is Robin's brother and Dominique's husband. We need you to find a way to get close to them."_

_"That shouldn't be hard. I can be very personable when I need to be. Anything else?"_

_"Yeah, try not to get too close," Ike told her, "They are exceptional liars. They'll convince you that they aren't doing anything wrong."_

_"Huh?"_

_"You are going to be fourth UC we've sent."_

_"Fourth?"_

_"Yeah, had to forcibly extract the others for getting too close. Whatever angle you use to get into their organization, be careful. They're good. Stay away from D. J. and Robin, find another way in," Ike warned her._

_"Gotcha."_

Olivia stared at the closet door. She had found another way in. It had been Frankie, Robin's ex. She started crying all over again. She blamed herself for Frankie's death.

"If I hadn't of been there…" she sobbed.

Alex had just returned from meeting with Dana and Ike. The more she talked to them, the more she disliked them for what happened to Olivia. She went to her room and changed into a pair of light blue jeans and a form fitting Yankees shirt. She walked into the kitchen, selected a bottle of wine from the rack she'd personally filled yesterday, and poured a glass. She walked over to the kitchen table and found the take out menus. She selected Wong Fong's and began to select something to eat.

She made her way in the living room area and turned on the TV. She sat down on the couch with remote and menu in one hand and her glass of wine in the other. She glanced around the room and then she saw the familiar leather jacket lying across the EZ chair. She'd recognize that jacket anywhere. It had been months, years maybe, since she'd seen it, but she knew it belonged to Olivia Benson. She knew then that Liv was there.

She decided that she would ask Liv what she wanted to eat, too. She made her way down the hall to find Olivia. When she got to Liv's door it was shut, but she could hear her crying.

"Liv?" she questioned, as she tried the door knob.

She heard the sobs getting stronger. Olivia didn't answer her. Alex was worried. She didn't know how Liv would be able to handle it all on her own. It didn't matter how she felt about it at the moment. Liv needed her more.

"Liv, honey, open the door," she told her, gently hoping Liv would comply.

She didn't hear any movement. She didn't see the door open. She could still hear Liv crying.

"Liv, open the door or I will," Alex told the closed door.

She waited. She stared at her watch. She didn't hear anything by Liv crying. She tried the door knob again. It was still locked. Alex knew what she was about to do was going to hurt. She didn't care. She had to get to Liv and help her. She backed up and then dropped her shoulder into the door, busting it open.

"Oww, that hurts a lot more than I thought it would," Alex stated as she burst into Olivia's room.

She rubbed her shoulder for a second. She cleared the room and got to Liv, quickly. She gathered Liv up into her arms and just let her cry. Dinner could wait. Liv needed her, now.


	11. Chapter 10- Scars

**Chapter Ten - Scars**

Liv let Alex gather her up. She tucked her head under Alex's chin. She felt the blonde's quiet strength and buried her own fears. Alex was holding her. In Liv's brain, it didn't matter why, only that it was happening. She allowed herself to be positioned with her right arm across her body and safely placed under Alex's bosom. She held onto Alex with all the strength she had in her left arm.

Alex held Liv, letting the sobs rack her body. She was amazed at the power Liv still conveyed and possessed as she was wrapped around Alex broken. Alex did the only thing she could. She held her. She whispered over and over that everything was going to be okay, that she wasn't leaving and that they'd get through it all together.

Liv buried herself further into the blonde, not caring at the moment if made her seem weak. She couldn't let go of Alex. Too many emotions ran through her mind and she couldn't stop herself. She needed Alex. She had always needed Alex, even if the need was one-sided.

Somewhere in the night, Liv's emotional being took over her rationale. She didn't know how she did it and Alex wouldn't be able to explain it, but Liv picked Alex up off the floor with her left arm, carefully avoiding using her right. Alex just stared into Liv's eyes trying to find something, anything to help her soothe Liv. Liv melted into Alex, again.

Alex didn't know who started the kiss, but caught up in the moment, she didn't care. It was raw, needy and…magnificent. Alex tried to be good, but her body and years of pent up frustration with Liv pushed the red flags away. She moaned into Liv's mouth.

Liv pulled back, but only far enough to see the complete trust and love that Alex had for her shining through Alex's baby blues. Liv's restraint or resolve, she wasn't sure, broke. In an adrenaline filled "fight or flight" moment, Liv picked Alex up with her arm and deposited her on the bed. Olivia's eyes burned with want and need. Alex could see it as much as she felt it. Alex wasn't sure what to do as Liv loomed over her, holding herself up with her left arm.

Alex didn't have time to respond or think clearly. Liv descended into the crook of Alex's neck and kissed her pulse point. Alex put her hands in Liv's hair, burying them there, keeping Liv at her throat. Liv kissed her way up the column of Alex's throat to her ear. She gently bit the lobe and earned another moan from Alex. Olivia made her way around Alex's cheek before she actually pulled to look at Alex.

Olivia looked down at Alex puzzled. Alex looked positively ravishing laying beneath her, lips slightly parted, pupils dilated and full of passion, and breathing heavily. Liv looked deeper into Alex's expression, trying to read something.

Suddenly, Liv pulled back and sat on the edge of the bed. She hung her head and began to cry. Alex immediately swung herself around so she was holding Liv from behind, her legs draped over and around Liv's.

"I'm sorry," Liv managed to say between sobs.

"For what?"

"What just happened."

"Why, Liv? Did you not want to kiss me? Talk to me," Alex begged.

"I can't. I can't. I can't do this, not again," Liv answered.

"What can't you do?"

"I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry. I don't know what I did it."

"I do," Alex answered.

"You do, what?"

"I know why you did it."

"Okay, why?" Liv asked, standing up, not trusting herself to be that close to Alex anymore.

"Liv, you're hurting. You left without telling me that you loved me to my face. You wrote me a letter. I don't know what happened to you in Atlanta. I know that you'll tell me when you are ready. But, you're hurting. You feel like you've lost control. You know you care for me. You know I care for you. You let whatever walls you'd built up while you were undercover fall down around me. You know you can trust me, that I'm one of the ones who will understand what you are going through," Alex explained, "Because, I've been there, too."

"Alex, I…"

"Liv, don't. Just remember that I love you. I came here to help you. We've hurt each other in the past. Let's move on and just see what happens. It's time for us to stop being afraid," Alex added.

"But, what about Frankie?" Liv asked, starting to cry again.

"You did what you had to do to survive. I'd be lying if I didn't say it hurt, but I understand. We need to get you better. I know you will need time but I need you to know, I'll be waiting, right here, beside you."

"I don't deserve you," Liv mumbled.

"Why?"

"I'm not even in your league. I've got no money. I'm a detective and I've got nothing to show for it, a few scars and no life."

"Olivia Benson! You are a decorated member of the NYPD. You've been there for me so many times, I've lost count. You fight for your victims no matter the personal sacrifice. Don't sit there and have a personal pity party."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. You are rediscovering who you are, who you were and who you are going to be. You are allowed to be emotional. You are allowed to break down. You're human, Liv."

"I know."

"Well, good. I'm sure you're hungry and tired. Let's get some food and then, I'll put you to bed. How does that sound?"

"Good. Thank you, Alex. I mean it."

"Look, I know things are going to rough. You are going to do and say things I won't like. It'll be okay. Just promise me one thing," Alex stated.

"What?"

"That you'll tell me the truth no matter if it'll hurt me."

"Alex…"

"Liv, promise me that. We've lied to each other for too long. Promise me that you'll tell me how you feel. I…we need the truth between us, now," Alex said.

"I know. You're right. But, I don't know how long it will take."

"I understand that, Liv. We both have scars that need to heal. I love you."

"I must have done something right in a past life," Liv replied, still not ready to be that close to Alex.

"Nope, just this one," Alex answered, kissing Liv on the cheek, and pulling her into the kitchen.


	12. Chapter 11- Baby

**A/N sorry for the delay and the short chapter, yesterday. Work was killer and then my daughter wanted Mommy and Momma time. I was not about to tell her "no." This chapter should make up for it and yeah, I have to next two days off, so more time to write. Hope you enjoy. Please R/R. I love hearing from you all. JET**

**Chapter Eleven - Baby**

Liv rolled over to find Alex gone. She grabbed the pillow and smelled it. Alex hadn't been gone long, her scent was still there. Liv hadn't been dreaming. Alex had slept in the bed with her. She lay back on her back and stared at the ceiling fan. A slow smile crept across her face. Everything was starting to make sense again.

She rolled her head and looked at the alarm clock on the bedside table. It read eleven thirty. She knew that she needed to get up. She had an appointment with Huang at two. She sighed and got out of the bed.

She padded around the bed and into the closet. She dug around until she found something she thought was decent enough to be seen in. She laid out her blazer and a pair of black jeans on the bed. She grabbed her favorite maroon blouse and underwear into the bathroom. She hung the blouse up on the towel bar. She was about to turn on the water when she heard arguing.

Liv made her way into the living room, where she saw her favorite leather jacket still on the chair. She could still hear the arguing and it sounded like Alex and Dana. She continued her search until she found them on the back porch. Neither of them looked too happy.

Liv opened the sliding glass door and stepped out, saying, "Morning."

"Morning, Sunshine," Dana replied.

"Good morning, Liv," Alex stated.

"You want to tell me what's going on out here?"

"We were just having a friendly conversation," Dana replied.

Liv looked to Alex, who didn't respond. Liv looked hurt, but didn't say anything more about the subject. She just turned to leave.

"I'll go. I have a meeting with Huang and then the therapist for my arm. Please, continue your conversation without me, because I'm sure that it was about me," Liv said, walking back in through the door.

"Liv," Alex called after her, following her into the living room.

"What, Alex?"

"I'm sorry."

"For lying to me or just not telling me what is going on?"

"I don't think I've lied to you, but I haven't told you everything either. I'm working on a case while I am here, and yes, it concerns you. I'm not sure how you would react, right now. That is why I didn't say anything."

"How I would react? React to what? You made me promise last night that I would tell you the truth no matter if it hurt you. Give me the same damn courtesy," Liv demanded.

"I know. I'm sorry. I just didn't…I don't know how to bring it up. Plus, I wanted to have everything finalized first," Alex told her, grabbing her hand so Liv couldn't walk away.

"Just tell me. I can take it. I'm a big girl, remember?"

"Tell me what you remember about the day you were extracted," Alex demanded.

"Why?"

"Because, I need to know how much you remember."

"I was in the warehouse. I was handcuffed and strung up. Frankie was with me. She was on the floor. I couldn't see her, but I could hear her," Liv stated as tears started to form in her eyes.

"Okay, anything else?" Dana asked, joining them.

"Shouldn't I be telling this to Huang?"

"You will, but you also need to tell Agent Lewis. Do you remember anything else from that day? Anything at all? A smell? A sound? Anything?" Alex asked.

"Yeah, I do."

"What?" Dana probed.

"I was strung up with my right hand on top. I could barely touch the floor with my left foot. I was off balance and swinging or spinning, I couldn't tell which. I couldn't hear anything at first, then I heard D. J. yelling at Frankie. He was angry. I couldn't make out what he was saying, but I knew that he was doing something to Frankie," Liv answered.

"Like what?"

"I don't know. I could hear her screaming for them to stop, but my ears roared, like after a gun goes off next to you head. I could hear things but not clearly. I wanted to make them stop, so I yelled for them to take it out on me. If they were angry, then hit me and to leave Frankie alone."

"Did they?" Dana asked.

"Yeah, they did. The next thing I knew I was being pummeled with a baseball bat, I think. The first blow was to my arm. Guess that is the one that broke it. It made me shift hard and pull on my shoulders. My right shoulder was higher and tighter, so it took most of the punishment. The next blows were to my legs. Over and over and over, again, but they didn't break," Liv said.

"You were already so limp," Alex stated.

"Yeah, so when I wasn't crying out in pain anymore from the bat, I felt the knife. Shallow cuts on my legs, I was in and out of it by then because of the pain in my arm. Next thing I see was literally Robin's fist to my eye. She punched and punched and punched, but I wasn't going to crack. I knew that either way, I was most likely dead. I was just trying to buy time, hoping that the cavalry was on its way," Liv explained, pulling her right arm back into her body.

"They were," Dana added.

"I don't know how long I was like that. I heard a cell phone, some cussing and then D. J. tell Frankie that he'd find her. She couldn't hide from him. Then they were gone and everything was quiet. Some time later, I felt the floor, cold and hard, beneath my cheek. I sat up and my arm hurt like a sonuvabitch. I could hear Frankie crying, but damn it, I couldn't see anything."

"It was dark. They broke all the lights. But, they released you?"

"I guess. I didn't have the cuffs or any chains on me anymore. I just woke up on the floor. I had to find my way out. I couldn't remember how I got there. At the time, I was Olivia Benson of the NYPD and I thought I had royally fucked up. Then, Frankie called out my name, well, my cover's name," Liv answered.

"And, what happened?" Alex inquired.

"I searched and searched for a way out but it was so dark I was probably going in circles. Frankie kept calling for me as Julie. Once I realized who she was and why I was there, memories of the operation flooded my mind. I tried harder to get out. But, something was wrong with Frankie. I don't know what it was, but it made me stop searching."

"Did she say something was wrong or did you feel it?" Dana asked.

"Both, I think. That is why she was calling for me. She needed me with her, but also because something was wrong. I just can't remember what it was…damn it. I know that it is important, too. Why can't I remember?"

"Don't worry about that right now. What is the next thing you remember then? Who is the next person you remember?"

"Russell! I remember Russell breaking into the room where we were. He came at me, calling me Julie over and over again. He tried to take something from me. I growled at him. I don't growl, but I growled and him. I told him that he couldn't have…he couldn't have…"

"He couldn't have what?" Alex pushed.

"Not what, who. I told Russell that he couldn't have Alexander. That the baby was mine."

"That's right, Liv, you did," Dana told her.

"What does that have to do with anything now? I don't have the baby. He isn't really mine."

"That is where you are wrong," Alex stated.

"What are you talking about?"

"Do you remember the legal paperwork that Frankie had drawn up for you concerning Alexander? It would have been weeks before you were taken. You sent copies of it to Ike to review them. You wanted to be sure that you weren't going to be punished by the Bureau for signing the documents," Alex told her.

"Vaguely, why?"

"Well, Girlie, it looks like they are binding," Dana told her.

"Meaning what, exactly? Alexander is mine. How can that be?" Liv asked.

"Well, according to the State of Georgia, you were named as primary guardian of the minor child of Frankie Stone Milton, regardless of her medical condition. Well, Julie Seabrook was named. Ike and Dana have been researching the validity of the paperwork because you were undercover," Alex replied.

"And?" Liv asked, sitting in a chair, unable to stand any longer.

"According to my friends in the GBI and the AG of Georgia, all we have to do is get an affidavit written and signed by a federal attorney and Julie Seabrook would be legitimized as Olivia Benson for all legal matters due to an ongoing federal investigation. That is of course if you want to keep Alexander. If not, we will have to turn him over to DHS in Georgia," Dana explained.

"So, he is mine."

"If you want him to be," Alex replied.

"I want kids, but I am sure that this isn't how I wanted them. I don't know what to do. I don't want to put him in the system, but…I know that the adoption agencies in New York were right. With my job and my life style, I can't take care of a kid, much less a baby," Liv stated.

"You did it with Calvin," Alex responded.

"He was older. He took care of himself for the most part. I was just there when he needed me."

"Don't kid yourself, Liv. He started calling himself Calvin Benson. He wanted to be your son."

"Alex, what am I going to do with a baby?"

"Love it. Cherish it. Protect it. But, most of all, be the mother it needs."

"You make it sound so easy," Liv said.

"Look, ladies, raising kids isn't easy. I've got my own. But, between the two of you, I think y'all can handle it. All you have to do is say the word, Benson, and he is yours. We'll make it legal and you can change his name."

"What is his name now?"

"According to the EMTs, you named him Alexander Milton. I have copies of the birth certificate from Atlanta. Julie Seabrook is also named as the midwife who delivered the baby. All the rest of his stats are there, too. However, due to the sensitive nature of the case and the fact that D. J. and Robin are still being hunted, his name was changed to Alexander Carey. A new birth certificate from Georgia was filed under that name to hide him. The AG and the GBI are aware that young Master Alexander will have multiple birth records courtesy of the FBI and they will be given as needed," Dana explained.

"Marshalls do this every time they move someone?"

"Yeah, new everything," Alex replied.

"Damn…I'm sorry. So, where is Alexander now? I want to see him," Liv stated.

"He is at my house. I've been taken care of him, until we knew what you wanted to do. I need you to make a decision though. Not today, Hun, but by the end of the week, I'm going to have to report to the federal lawyer we've got on payroll. She is just itchin' for something to do."

"Federal lawyer?" Liv asked, looking from Dana to Alex and back again.

"Yeah, she's an AUSDA. I think you know her or something. She saw your name come across her desk and she was in my office the next day. She is kinda crude, but I like her. Can't keep the boys from staring, but she doesn't even care. I guess it is her Southern charm and Texas drawl that gets them. But, she is good at her job," Dana said.

Liv and Alex looked at each other. They both smiled. They knew exactly who she was.

"Don't tell me that Abbie Carmichael is here," Alex demanded.

"Yeah, why, Girlie? Got some unfinished business with that one? She's a looker."

"No, she doesn't. They worked together in the DA's office in New York. Abbie and we go back a ways. Sometimes I wonder how she could handle the Feds after dealing with us," Liv stated.

"Don't know, but she does. I'm sure you'll want to see her this afternoon, too. I'll call and see if I can't get her over to the house. We'll have dinner at my place. Now, you go get ready for your appointment with Huang. I had to pull strings to get him here. Go. Scoot. Alex and I'll deal with the rest of the legal stuff," Dana said, pushing Liv towards the bathroom.

They waited until they heard the door shut and the water start. Alex, then slightly lost her composure. Dana waited for her to take it all in, again.

"That went well," Alex finally stated.

"Give her time. She's been through a lot. I know that it is helping that you are here. I also know that there are things that she isn't going to want to tell you. Can you handle that?"

"I don't know."

"Well, let's start with the elephant in the room, then. Can you handle it if she decides to keep Alexander? Would you support her decision?" Dana asked.

"Yes."

"Well, then, there's a start. You two are going to have to build from that. She is going to tell you about Frankie. It is going to be hard to hear, but she is going to have to tell it in order to move on. I can't begin to imagine how you feel right now, so I am not going to try."

"Thanks, I think," Alex replied.

"Look, we both know you love each other. Don't even try to deny it. You wouldn't be here if you didn't. You've both been through this 'identity issue,' now. I've only got one question for you that I need to know the answer to before anything else happens here," Dana stated.

"What's that?" Alex asked.

"Have you seen the baby, yet?"

"No, I haven't. I've been so worried about Liv and dealing with the paperwork. Planning out different scenarios in my head, trying to get a game plan formed, in case the documentation wasn't found to be legal or that Georgia decided not to recognize it."

"Well, then Counselor, I think it is time that you met your namesake."

"My what?"

"They never told you how Alexander got his name?"

"Russell or Ike, no, they haven't," Alex answered.

"Evidently, Julie liked to talk in her sleep about Alex. Russell told me that she had nightmares about blood and death, mostly associated with Alex. When he questioned her about it, she would just say they died in the line. He assumed that Alex was male and possibly her father."

"That is why they were so confused at the conference when we all met," Alex replied.

"Exactly. Russell told me in his first report that Liv was holding the child in her left arm, nuzzled up her breast. She wouldn't let him go. Told them that his name was Alexander. Once, they got her to the hospital, she finally told them it was because Frankie wanted him to be named after Julie's dad. Russell had convinced Frankie and himself that Alex was their dad's name and he had died in the line of duty. When it came time to extract them both and back here, she was very adamant that his name would always be Alexander regardless of what other names they gave him," Dana explained.

"She named him after me?"

"After a fashion, really. It seems that Frankie made her promise to him Alexander, after the name that she called out in her sleep, in her nightmares, late at night. I'm sure that Olivia was taken aback by it, but she promised Frankie as she lay dying there that she would name him Alexander. She has stuck by her word," Dana stated.

"So, she has. I think I need to meet Master Carey, I believe. He should meet the person that he was named for, even if Liv doesn't decide to keep him. I would like to know what happens to him, regardless," Alex stated.

"Of course," Dana replied, hoping that Olivia would say yes. She knew that if she didn't, Alex would. She couldn't let that boy go into the system, especially since he was named after her. Dana grabbed her coat and they left.

Olivia came back into the living room to grab her coat. She was about to head out the door and to see Huang at the FBI campus, when she caught herself in the mirror by the door. She was looking much better. The bruises were all but gone. She smiled at the reflection.

"Don't worry, Julie," she told herself, "I'll take care of 'em. He is our son after all."


	13. Chapter 12- Blues

**Chapter Twelve - Blues**

Alex and Dana made their way into the conference room. Ike and Russell were already there, waiting. There were files all over the table and Ike and Russell were looking over one. Alex and Dana took their seats, when door opened and someone else came in.

"Sorry, I'm late," Abbie said, as she took her seat.

"You're fine. We are ready to go over the paper work. Now, Russell, tell me everything that we need to know concerning the parentage of our young Alexander," Dana commanded.

"We have dug into everything that we could find in Julie's and Frankie's stuff. We found some sparse medical files and the ultrasounds. There was nothing that told us who his father was. We don't know where to begin except with the gang. He may have been a gang member under D. J.'s control. We just don't know," Russell told them.

"This could be a problem later, but I doubt it," Abbie stated.

"Because if she didn't tell anyone who the father was, it could be argued that she was raped or that it was from a donation. She did make the legal documents to protect and create Julie as the guardian and parent in her absence or demise," Alex replied, pushing the files to Abbie.

"So, what does the AG say about it?" Abbie asked.

"He doesn't want to deal with it. He has actually signed off on a new birth certificate for Alexander that we used for extraction and to protect him from the Goldings. The official position of the great state of Georgia is that will give the FBI any documentation that we need in regards to the minor in question with no challenges or problems," Dana added.

"So, Georgia doesn't care about its native son? Isn't that wonderful? How is Olivia handling it?" Abbie inquired.

"She is undecided at this time," Dana said.

"She is still trying to figure everything out. She took quite a beating in the warehouse and she isn't sure what she remembers clearly. Liv is fighting her mind at the moment to find some truth in what she believes happened. She is mentally and emotionally drained and broken," Alex replied.

"How long was she under?" Abbie questioned.

"She was on the op for eighteen months, but she was actually under for fifteen months," Ike said.

"Do we have a timeline?" Abbie asked.

"Yes, we do. I recruited Olivia in New York in November. She reported to me in D.C. around Thanksgiving. She was given the information for the operation and the marks. She officially became a deputized agent on December twelfth. By January, she was in Atlanta for her final preparations with Ike before she would be turned over to Russell for final and continuing reporting. Russell was her handler in op," Dana explained.

"Okay, so Russell was the closet to her for about fifteen months. I am going to need to know what happened while she was under in order to validate the documentation. I can't just go to State and have Alexander declared legally Olivia's son. I am going to need to know everything that I can, so when I file my reports with State, they won't have any reason to question anything. I need to know anything that could possibly question the legality of her claim," Abbie said.

"That is why we are here," Alex added.

"I reviewed everything in the documentation when Julie gave it to me. She seemed to be worried about it. She didn't let Russell even know about it, because she didn't think that it would hold weight in court. She was worried that it would cause her problems and she could be held on false witness charges. She called me to set up a private meet," Ike explained.

"Did she do that often?" Dana asked.

"No, only three times that I know of. I know that she had another contact. I don't know how many times they met," Ike replied.

"Twice," Dana told them.

"She met with the unknown contact twice?" Abbie asked.

"Yes, and both times were authorized by me."

"Who was the contact?" Abbie asked.

"Another undercover agent."

"Where is this agent now?"

"Dead," Dana said flatly.

Abbie and Alex turned and stared at Dana. Ike and Russell looked just as surprised as they were. Abbie gave Alex a look before asking, "Do I want to know more?"

"She was my former partner. She has been working all over the South. She was on vacation at Cumberland Island off the coast of Georgia. She had been in to the bars to see Olivia and give her any new intel that we had. She went in under total cover once into the bar to give Olivia a pair of boots," Dana explained.

"What was so special about these boots?" Abbie asked.

"They had a GPS device built into them. It was a way for us to track her without any detection. They were a prototype. Sally, my partner, went in as Olivia's former girlfriends to give her back her biker boots. Sally was going in undercover as part of Olivia's Julie cover," Dana stated.

"Alright, well, that doesn't matter right now. We need to focus on the child. Do we have anything that would disprove the documents as fake?"

"No," Ike told her, "I got the lawyer who drafted them to sign an affidavit about their authenticity. He signed it readily. He told me that he would come in and sign whatever he needs to in order to help us in this matter. He doesn't want any problems."

"Has he been vetted by the rest of his office?" Alex asked.

"Yes, they all stated that Julie and Frankie were there. They knew that the documents were good and would testify to that effect if needed. They also attested that Frankie had been using the lawyer for other legal issues after her breakup with Robin. She wanted to make sure that she was protected," Russell stated.

"What does that have to do with the baby?" Dana asked.

"Frankie was afraid of Robin and what she might do to her. She had been working with the lawyer in order to change her name and find a way to get out of Atlanta. She was about to run when she met Julie. Julie was the reason she stayed," Ike added.

"Frankie stayed in that situation because of Olivia?" Alex questioned.

"She literally ran into Julie at the bar one night. Julie told me that she was crying and scared. They went for coffee and talked. Frankie had seen her at the bar, so she knew who Julie was. Frankie hung around because she fell for Julie," Russell replied.

"So, you're saying that Benson used Frankie's love against her so we could get the gang?" Abbie asked and then stated, "Cause the Benson I know couldn't do that. I'm sorry, Alex, but you know that's true, too."

"I know," Alex replied, quietly.

"I think I have enough. I'll go to State and make sure that we are covered legally for the parentage for Alexander. I'm sure that we are going to have to get a New York state birth certificate based on federal adoption papers from the State Department. Alex, can you facilitate that?" Abbie asked her, not waiting for an answer, before moving on, "I've got what I need. The only other thing that we need is the knowledge that Olivia is planning on keeping the child. Once we know this, I will need to know what name she is going to him."

"We should know in a couple of days," Dana stated.

"Good. I'll be back in town then. We should all meet then, with Olivia next time. I want to know how she is doing. I would like to see her for myself. Call me later, Alex, maybe we can meet up before so Friday at three PM? Good. I'll see y'all later," Abbie replied, picking up the files on the table and leaving the conference room.

"Alright, boys, we'll meet tomorrow to go over what we know on the whereabouts of the Goldings. Until then, I want to know everything that you have on Frankie Stone Mitchell. We'll meet back here tomorrow at two PM. We will continue meetings everyday at two PM until Olivia feels comfortable to join us. I'll give you a new assignment to see how we will proceed with our investigation. We've got new eyes and ears on the ground, but we still have nothing."

"Yes, ma'am," Russell and Ike both said, gathering their things and leaving the room.

Alex and Dana grabbed the remaining files and documents. Alex looked over the birth certificates and other files, the copies that were left, that pertained to Alexander. She couldn't find anything wrong with them except that they stated Julie Seabrook and not Olivia Benson. The other files she skimmed had Liv's picture or stats but they were all for Julie Seabrook. It was like a bizarre sense of déjà vu.

"You'll get her back," Dana said, watching her.

"I hope so."

"You will. I can already see the Benson I know showing through. How are you dealing with the baby idea?"

"I don't know."

"You don't know?" Dana asked, strikingly concerned.

"I know that I need to know. I understand that. It doesn't make it any easier."

"No, it doesn't, but she needs you to support her."

"I plan on it. No matter what decision she makes, she knows that I'm going leave her. She knows that she has my support. I love her, Dana. I'm not going to lose her, again. I'll have to deal with her decision."

"What will you do if she does decide to keep Alexander?" Dana asked.

"Love him as much as I love her. I owe him nothing less. He is named after me. I will support him as much and if not more than I will support her," Alex replied, tears forming in her eyes.

"Good, now, let's go see him. I'll have Olivia brought over to my house. She is still with Huang. Hopefully, he'll get her to open up more about the operation," Dana told her, reaching out to squeeze Alex's hand.

* * *

"Good afternoon, Olivia," George Huang said in greeting her in his makeshift office at the FBI academy in Quantico.

"Afternoon, Huang," Olivia replied.

"Please sit down."

Olivia crossed the threshold into the office and took a seat in a brown leather chair. She noticed that Huang had done his best to make the office seem hospitable and comforting. She wasn't happy about being there and she knew that it wasn't Huang's fault, but that didn't make it any easier for her. She could feel the warmth of the leather. She could smell the faint traces of a lemon cleaner.

"How are you feeling?" Huang asked her, noting that Olivia was gripping the chair.

"Don't do that to me, Huang. I know the game. I know why I'm here."

"Why are you here?" he asked.

"To help me through my debriefings."

"Is that all?"

"Yes," Liv answered, strongly.

"Liv, I've reviewed your operation. It was extensive and delicate. I am sure that there were parts and things that you did that you aren't happy about. We should talk about those."

"Why?"

"To help you readjust," he replied.

"Readjust to what? I know who I am. I know what I've done. I'm the one who has to live with it. I am the one who has to deal with the choices that I made or didn't make. I have to worry about Alexander, not just myself," Liv yelled at him.

"Alexander? Who is Alexander? Why do you have to worry about him?"

"He is my son."

"You bore him?" Huang questioned.

"No, Frankie did. I delivered him. He is my responsibility now. Frankie is gone. I am the only mother he has known. I can't let him down. I have to protect him from Robin and D. J."

"Are they after him?"

"I don't know. We were extracted from Atlanta. I'm sure they want me dead. They made that much obvious. I can't help but think that they would be after Alexander, now."

"What happened to make you think that they want you dead?" Huang asked.

Olivia gripped the arms of the chair harder. She shot Huang a look, staring him down as he sat across from her behind the desk. She noticed that he wasn't actually taken a lot of notes. She could see the blank paper of the note pad in front of him.

"You've read the file. I'm sure that you know what happened. You had to have seen the hospital photos. Come on, George. You know I'm not crazy. I have a legitimate fear that they are after me and him," Liv said, getting louder with each phrase.

"I have seen the photos. You were beaten pretty badly. I see that most of the bruises have faded and your wounds have healed. It isn't your body that I am worried about, though, Liv. This wasn't like a normal undercover sting you might have done in Manhattan. This was a deep undercover job. You had to completely become someone else. That affects you."

"You don't think I know that," Liv said, standing forcefully and starting to pace the office, "I know that. Do you know what it is like to lose someone? To watch them die in your arms as you are powerless to stop it?"

"Yes."

"I do, too."

"I know. Frankie would have been the third death for you. But, I sense there is more to this. Do you want to tell me about it?" Huang asked.

"No."

"Liv, sit down. Tell me why you don't want to talk about it. What was it about Frankie that is hurting you so much?"

Liv stared at him. He leaned back in his chair and waited for her to sit back down. He watched pace a few more times. She raised her hand and gestured in the air, punching it, pointing at him, and finally just trying to grasp at something. She sighed in frustration, but Huang said nothing. She wanted to run, but knew it would only keep them there longer.

"Liv?"

"What?" she almost hissed back at him.

She didn't want to be there. She didn't want to be talking about this. She didn't want think about it anymore. She had Alex back. Her nightmares were over.

"Why was Frankie different?" he probed.

"Because she was just like Alex," she quietly admitted as she sat back down.

He noted the comment on his notepad and watched her. He saw her fingers as she white knuckled the chair. He watched her as her tear-filled eyes met his.

"Why did she remind you of Alex?"

"She looked just like her, except her eyes. They were brown. She didn't have Alex's upbringing. She didn't have Alex's money or wardrobe. She had Alex's confidence and her charisma. She was easy to love, because it was like loving Alex."

"Does her death remind you of Alex's brush with death that sent her into Wit Sec?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because I couldn't stop it."

"You couldn't stop it."

"No, I tried to staunch the bleeding with Alex, but we were told she died. I thought she died in my arms. We, Elliot and I, found out that she was still alive but had to leave for her own protection. She took my heart with her. I felt lost. Alex helped me stay grounded. I threw myself into the job. I didn't have a choice. Then, later, Sonya bled out in my hands. There was no one there to help me. Alex was missing in action. She was back but not available."

"So, you feel lost without Alex?"

"Sometimes, she keeps me grounded. She is my polar opposite. And, I don't deserve her."

"Why?"

"Because I couldn't protect her. I cheated on her. And, now, she is here trying to help me pick up my life and live again. The woman is a fucking saint."

"And, what does that make you?" Huang asked.

"I'm a warrior. I go into the belly of beast to protect the innocent. I was born of fire and I fight it with my every fiber. Alex is, well, Alex. She is an angel sent to make sure that justice prevails. She fights the fight without having to get into the trenches. She isn't soiled or stained like I am. She isn't scared," Olivia answered.

"Isn't she? Have you ever asked her? Do you think she feels the same way you do?"

"She left didn't she?"

"Is that a fair assessment of the situation?"

"I don't know. I don't know what she thinks about me. She's told me that she loves me and that she is here for me. I don't understand why she would do that for me. I don't know how she can love me after everything that happened."

"Do you think that she loves you despite what happened?" Huang asked.

"Yes."

"How does that make you feel?"

"Ashamed."

"Why?"

"Because I don't think that I have done anything to deserve it. She's told me that I have, but I let her walk away. I didn't fight for her when she went to the Congo. I let her go and didn't tell her. Then, Elliot left and my security net was gone. Dana offered me the op and I took it. It was the only way I could feel like I had control over what was going on in my life. If I made the decisions, if I made the choice to run, then I had control over what happened to me," Liv stated.

"What changed?"

"Frankie. She changed everything. It was almost like I had a second chance and this time I could make it right. This time I could save her. This time I would be worthy."

"Olivia, she died from complications in child birth. There was nothing anyone could have done. She was lucky that you were there to protect her and deliver the baby. You can't blame yourself," George told her.

"Why not? It is my fault she was there. If I hadn't stopped her from leaving Atlanta, she might still be alive. Her death is on my hands."

"Olivia, let's change pace here for a second."

"Fine, what do you want to talk about?"

"How did it feel to hold Alexander?"

"Wonderful."

"Why did you name him Alexander?"

"Frankie wanted me to name him that."

"But why did she pick that name?"

"Because of me."

"Liv, are you afraid of him?"

"Afraid of who?" she asked in response.

"Are you afraid of Alexander?"

"Yes!"

"Can you tell me why?" Huang inquired.

"Because Frankie gave him to me. He will be a constant reminder of what I did to both Frankie and Alex. He is my punishment and my penance. I want to keep him, but then, I just think I am selfish for wanting to do that," Liv answered.

"Why does wanting to keep him make you feel selfish?"

"Because I want a child of my own."

"But, according to the paperwork that you signed, that Frankie signed, he is your son."

"He isn't my son. He is Julie Seabrook's son. He was never meant to be mine. I am not Julie Seabrook. His name isn't Alexander Benson," Liv told him.

"But, it could be. Olivia, he is your son now. Frankie thought enough of you to make him yours. Isn't that enough reason to care for him?"

"It should be, but it isn't. I don't want to ruin him. He needs someone who can love him all the time. I have so much baggage and I'm alone. I don't think I'll be enough. I can't be enough for him. He needs all the love that he can get," Liv stated.

"And, you don't?"

"I've had my chances. I blew it. I don't need to wreck his life because of mine."

"So, you are just going to give up? You're going to let him go into foster care, because you have some misguided self-loathing. Olivia, wake up and see the world around you. We are all here to help you because we love you. That boy knows other mother but you. You were the first one to hold him. You were the one who named him. You were the one that saved him. I am sure that you would have died for him, too."

"Yes," Liv whispered.

"Then, do yourself a favor. I want you to stand up. I want you to look into the mirror over there on the wall and I want you to tell yourself that you will care for that boy and mean it. You will find a way to make it work, you always do. But, if you can't convince yourself that you are deserving enough to keep him, to love him, to raise him, then you don't deserve him."

Olivia stood up. Huang could see the fire in her eyes. He knew that he struck a nerve, but he also knew that he had to do it. He could tell that Olivia was still fighting the persona that was Julie Seabrook. He knew what their therapy sessions would be about. He would have to help her separate Julie from Olivia.

"Liv?"

"Yes?"

"Do you want to see Alexander?"

"Yes."

"Then, I need to know what you want."

"What do you mean?"

"Do you want to keep him?"

"Yes."

"Do you want to love him?"

"More than anything," Liv told him.

"Why?"

"Because he is my son. He will be my son. His name is Alexander Donald Benson and I am his mother," Olivia told him, as tears of joy for her son streamed down her cheeks.


	14. Chapter 13- Acceptance

**Chapter Thirteen - Acceptance**

Olivia and Huang stood on Dana's front stoop. He was still watching her and she knew it. He couldn't help it. She knew that part of it was to help her and the other was just pure fascination. She tentatively raised her left hand and knocked on the door.

"Remember: we are doing this at your pace," Huang stated.

"I know," Liv answered as Dana answered the door.

"Come on in, y'all. We are in the back. Can I get you anything?"

"No, I'm good," Huang stated as he made his way to the rest of the group.

"Thanks, but I'm good," Liv answered.

"Liv, sugar, it's okay to be scared. No one is going to think less of you here. We are all your friends. Having a kid is going to change everything. I want you to know that I am here to help you in any way I can," Dana told her.

"I just want to see my son," Olivia stated as they walked into a sun room in the back of the house.

Liv stopped in the doorway. A flood of emotion washed over her. She looked around the room to see who had all made their way over to Dana's. There was Dana and a man she assumed was Dana's husband. Huang had come with her. Russell and Ike were there. It was then that Liv noticed that Abbie and Alex were together talking, standing over a bassinette.

Alex turned at that moment to see the uneasiness in Olivia's eyes. She smiled, trying to calm her. She touched Abbie's arm, who had turned to face Olivia as well. Abbie smiled at her and crossed the room.

"Hey, New York," Abbie said in greeting.

"Hey there, Tex," Liv replied, slightly relaxing.

"Come and meet your boy. You did good with that one. He's already a lady killer," Abbie said, reaching out for Liv's hand.

Liv took Abbie's hand and let herself be led over to the bassinette. She looked down into it and smiled at the baby. Abbie didn't let her go, as they both stood there. Alex watched her from the other side. Liv looked up into Alex's sapphire eyes and saw nothing but love reflected.

Silently, behind her, Liv felt the mood in the room change. She didn't feel them leave. She didn't hear the rest of the group leave the room. She just knew that they had. Dana was giving her time with the two people that knew her the most.

"He's beautiful," Abbie stated.

"He is, isn't he?" Liv replied.

"Do you want to hold him?" Alex asked her.

"No," Liv answered quickly.

"It's okay, Liv. You aren't going to hurt him. We'll help you. But, I am sure that he would like to be held by his mother. It would do you both good," Abbie stated.

"Yeah, I think it would. Why don't you sit in that chair there," Alex said, pointing, "And, I'll bring him to you. That way you won't have to worry about your arm getting tired because you are standing."

Olivia gave Alex a pleading look. Alex wasn't going to let her get out of it and she knew it. Liv took a seat on a couch. Alex leaned over the bassinette and picked Alexander up. . She went to Liv and placed him in the crook of her arm and made sure that he was supported before Alex sat down with her. Abbie pulled a chair up next them and waited.

Liv watched the ease and grace that Alex possessed as she held Alexander. The depth of love that Alex gave her was reflected in the way she moved and held him. It made Liv's heart soar. She began to think about everything that she had done wrong in her life to deserve everything that was becoming so perfect.

Tears filled Olivia's eyes. Her heart was breaking and she finally knew what pure love was. She was holding it in her arms. She looked from Alexander's sleeping face up into Alex's loving, supportive face.

"Thank you," she told her.

"For what, Liv?"

"For being her for me. For loving me despite everything. For being you," Liv said with a slight laugh.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I think I am," Liv answered.

"Liv, I know that you need to bond with your son and all, but there are things that we need to talk about. Stop, before you say anything. I don't care about the case or the operation right now. I am only here about Alexander."

"Liv, Abbie came here to facilitate all the paperwork for the adoption of Alexander. She is a federal lawyer for the government. She has been given permission from the State Department to represent you on a federal level concerning the guardianship of Alexander. They all agree with us, that the paper work is authentic and legal. The FBI will vet you as being Julie Seabrook while undercover, if that ever becomes an issue," Alex explained.

"No one is fighting it?"

"No, Liv, they aren't," Alex answered.

"Olivia, I need to know what name you plan on him giving him so I can file the appropriate paperwork. Once I get them finalized, I'll have you sign them before I go to New York to file them for you. I was hoping to head to New York for the weekend anyway. I'd be back here with all the legal paperwork for you by next Friday," Abbie told her.

"That sounds great. I do have a name for him though. I thought of it while I was with Huang earlier. It just made sense to me and it flowed right out. I want to know what you think about it," Liv stated as she stared down at him again.

"What is it, Love?" Alex asked her.

"I want to name him Alexander Donald Benson."

"That sounds lovely," Alex replied.

"Just out of curiosity, where did the Donald come from?" Abbie questioned.

"From Cragen. I owe him so much. He has been like a father to me for years," Liv replied.

"That's nice. I'm sure that he'll be honored. Whatcha plan on calling him? Alexander? Alex? Donald? Don? Donnie?" Abbie inquired.

"I was thinking more along the lines of Xander."

"Sounds good," Alex responded, "I need to go make a few calls. Think you two can behave for a few minutes?"

"Yeah, I think we're good," Abbie answered for them, smiling up at Liv, who was watching Xander.

* * *

"Stabler," Kathy answered the phone.

"Hey, Kathy, it's Alex Cabot. Is Elliot home? I need to talk to him, please."

"Yeah, he's here. Everything okay? Is this about a case?" Kathy asked.

"No, it's about Olivia. I'm going to need some help with her this time. I'm a little over my head and I've gotten more than I bargained for. I need Elliot to help me," Alex replied.

"Wow, okay, hold on."

"Stabler," Elliot stated taking the phone.

"Hey, Elliot, it's Alex."

"Cabot? You okay? You back from the Congo?"

"I'm fine, Elliot. And, yes, I'm back. I have been back for some time now. I back at the DA's office trying cases."

"I retired."

"This isn't about a case, Elliot."

"Liv? Did something happen to Liv? What happened?" he asked the worry in his voice very noticeable.

"She's okay. Well, she's getting better. But, I need your help."

"What?"

"I need your help with something that pertains to Liv's new situation."

"What do you need, Alex?" he asked.

"Long story short, she went undercover for the FeeBees. Some serious shit hit the fan and she ended up with a child. We've gone over all the paperwork and he is hers now. I need your help getting her ready to bring the child back to New York," Alex told him.

"I'm sorry. I think that you just told me that Liv had a kid. I mean you just told me that Liv has a kid. What the hell kind of operation is the damn FBI running?"

"I'll let her tell you that, but for right now, I need your help."

"Yeah, sure, anything. Liv knows that. Just one thing, Alex. Well, two," Elliot said.

"Yeah?"

"One: what's his name? And two: where are they going to live? Cause I went to her apartment a couple of weeks ago, to apologize and it was empty. It's been cleared out. The sup said it's been like that for about two years…you know, shortly after I retired," Elliot stated.

"The FBI boxed it up and put it storage. For now, she'll be living with me until she is well enough to be on her own, again, if she wants. I need you to help me make my apartment baby ready and baby proof. She has named him Xander," she explained.

"When you coming to town?"

"Carmichael and I should be in town by the weekend to file some paperwork concerning Liv's case. I can meet with you this weekend. Abbie told Olivia that we'd be back by the end of the next week. Is that enough time?" Alex asked worried.

"Should be fine. Call me when you get to town. Have you told Cragen, yet?"

"No, he's next on my list."

"Do me a favor, though," Elliot stated.

"What's that?"

"Wait to tell Munch until I'm there. I want to see his face. I can wait to hear the theories he has on this. I'll talk to you this weekend, Alex. Take care of yourself and take care of Liv," he replied, before hanging up.

* * *

"Captain Cragen, how can I help you?"

"Don, it's Alex."

"How is she?"

"She is good. She's getting better, every day. She can't wait to come home."

"Good. Good. How are you?"

"I'm good, Don. I'm going to need some help with something. It's kind of major and something that only you and 1-6 can handle. Up to it?"

"Is it a case?" he asked.

"We'll call it that."

"Alex, you need to give more information. I can't help you if I don't know what is going on. Does this have to do with Liv?"

"Yeah, it does. Look, I can't explain over the phone. I need you to have Munch, Fin, Rollins, and Amaro at the precinct Saturday morning. I'll explain everything then."

"Saturday morning?"

"Yeah, I'm flying in for the weekend. I have some things that I need to take care of at the courthouse. Plus, I want to give everyone an update on how Liv is doing."

"You could just tell me," Cragen stated.

"I could, but I can't. I … it would be better if I told you in person. But, don't worry. I promise that Liv is alright and getting better. She should be able to come home soon."

"Alright, Alex, I trust you. We'll see you Saturday. You might want to bring breakfast, cause you know they are going to be cranky for having to come in that early on the weekend."

"No problem," Alex replied as she hung up her cell phone.

* * *

She made her way back to Liv and Abbie. She nodded silently at Abbie that everything was a "go" back in New York. Now all Alex had to do was tell Olivia that she was going, too. She knew that Liv would take it hard, like Alex was running away, but she would just have to explain it to her. She needed to check on the case load and make sure that the DA wasn't going to fire her for taking so much personal time. She would tell Olivia about the living situation as well. She knew that Liv would probably balk at the idea of living with her and losing her apartment, but the reality was that Liv really didn't have a choice.

She smiled at Liv. Liv smiled back, with tears in her eyes. She was just so damn happy, Alex would tell her, but she would wait until they were back at the FBI apartment, alone. Right now, Liv needed to be with her son. She needed to bond with him. Alex could only hope that it would their relationship as well.

She loved Olivia and because she loved Olivia, she loved that boy. Alexander was named after her and he couldn't fight his biologics. But, she knew that Olivia and she could provide for him a home of love and warmth… _When did I become so domestic? _Alex thought, looking into Xander's soulful brown eyes as he woke. His smile was Alex's undoing. She knew in that moment. She would fight for him as long as Olivia would allow it. And, she hoped that would be a long time.


	15. Chapter 14- Cornerstone

**A/N: Thanks for all the reviews. They are helping me come home from work and write more. So far, I have it planned out to twenty chapters, but I don't think that is where the story is going to end. The next few chapters may take some time to be posted for the sheer amount of detail and story that I want to put into them. I hope you understand and enjoy it as it unfolds. If you would like comment, please PM or review. I do take ideas put into the reviews seriously, sometimes they even help me move the story along some. Thanks for reading and enjoy. JET**

**Chapter Fourteen**

"She's okay," Abbie reminded her for the fifteenth time, since they got on the road.

"I know. I just didn't want to leave her. She needs me."

"She does. And, she has you. She'll be okay. She's a big girl. Besides Huang's there now. She's in good hands. Calm down. I need you here with me. I can't go into the precinct and tell them this alone. They'll laugh at me," Abbie told her.

"I know. Wait, stop there. I need to get something," Alex told her.

"What? Donuts? Really?" Abbie asked, pulling the car over.

"I promised."

Twenty minutes later, they were heading into the bull pen of the 1-6. Alex shivered walking back into the area. There were so many memories there. Cragen saw her coming and he smiled when he saw Abbie with her.

"Carmichael, Cabot, nice you of you to slum it on a Saturday," he greeted them.

"Thanks, Captain Cragen. Do we have some where we can all talk, alone? I don't want to have what I have to tell you to get out," Alex told him.

"Yeah, use my office. It's a lot bigger and more relaxed than an interrogation room. I'll go round up the boys," Cragen told them.

Abbie grabbed Alex and took her into Cragen's office. She put the donuts and coffee on the desk. Abbie let her go look out the window, knowing that her heart and head were in Virginia. Abbie took a donut and leaned up against Cragen's desk.

Alex turned around just as Fin and Munch came in.

"Cabot, what's the occastion?" Munch asked her coming in.

"I've got something that I need help with that only you can help me with," Alex replied.

"So, you brought donuts and coffee? What's up that you had to bring Tex back in the mix? Must be something big," Fin asked, pouring a cup of coffee and taking a seat.

"It is. But, I need to wait until you are all here. I don't want to have to repeat myself."

"Well, hello, everybody. What's going on y'all? The capt'n told me to meet y'all in here," Rollins said joining them.

"Well, hello," Abbie said, smiling, "Where you from?"

"Georgia, you?"

"Texas," Abbie answered, "I'm going to like her. She'll understand me."

Rollins laughed. She smiled at Abbie as she took a donut and sat down next to Fin. Abbie moved closer to her to talk to a fellow Southerner. They had both settled into small talk when Cragen came back in.

"Hey, Cap. Where's Amaro? I thought this was a 'family' affair," Fin stated.

"He's on his way up. I hope you've introduced Abbie to everyone, Alex. If not, meet our former ADA turned federal prosecutor, Abigail Carmichael."

"She's got a mouth on her, but she is perfection in the courtroom," Elliot said, walking in with Amaro on his hills.

"Elliot?" Munch asked.

"Yeah, I here. Alex called me. Said that I needed to help you guys out with a case. I decided that I could handle one more," Elliot replied, "Ah, Alex, you got donuts. You shouldn't have. Well, maybe, they should have blue icing or something."

"Close the door, Amaro and come in. Listen up. Alex called and asked for this meeting. Whatever we talk about today doesn't leave this room, understood, detectives?" Cragen inquired.

He was met with a round of "yeahs" and "yes, Caps." He gestured for Alex to take the floor and make her announcement. He sat down in his chair behind his desk, and listened to Alex's speech.

"As you all know, Olivia went undercover with FBI almost two years ago. She was under for a very long time and something happened to her, that, well, she isn't going to forget. She will have a constant reminder with her. I was informed of her situation by her handler Special Agent in Charge Dana Lewis. I know most of you know her already. Olivia did her job and she did it well. She gathered plenty of intel and good information that Abbie, here, can use against the gang she infiltrated.

"The problem is one that the federal government hasn't had to deal with before. It became a logistics and legal nightmare. Abbie and I have been combing over countless cases and law to help facilitate Olivia's return to New York. But, now, I need your help," Alex told them.

"Olivia considers everyone in this room as part of her family. That is why we called this meeting. She'd string me and Alex up if she knew we were doing this. Especially, if she knew that is the main reason we are in New York," Abbie added.

"She okay?" Munch asked.

"She's…she's getting better. It was a little touch and go there in the beginning. She is making good progress and her therapists think she'll be able to lose her sling soon," Alex answered.

"Whoa, back up a minute, here. What the hell happened to her while she was undercover? Why don't you tell us about that?" Elliot asked, getting upset about hearing that his former partner had been hurt and bad enough to warrant medical attention.

"I can't tell you everything, but I can tell you this. Olivia sacrificed herself through beatings to try and save a civilian. It was bad, but she endured it to protect the other woman because she was pregnant. Unfortunately, the other woman died in childbirth," Alex answered.

"But, Liv, is okay?" Amaro asked.

"She's fine. She has a dislocated shoulder and a broke humerus. She had multiple bruises and cut, but they have mostly all healed. Look. Her condition isn't critical. She is fine. It isn't really for Olivia that we called you here, but more a situation," Alex started.

"Oh, just tell them already, Alex. We ain't got all week. We've got a meeting in family court later today. Let's get a move on," Abbie insisted.

"You're right. Alright, here is goes. Olivia was undercover and became involved with a woman named Frankie Mitchell. Frankie was pregnant, got pregnant or whatever while she was Olivia's mark. Olivia used her to get into the gang and gather intel."

"Did you just tell me that Liv was with a woman?" Fin asked.

"Shut up, Fin, and let her finish," Cragen stated.

"Sorry, Cap. Go on, Alex. Tell us the rest."

"Frankie was eight and half months pregnant when she delivered a healthy son."

"Why do I feel a big conspiracy with this information?" Munch asked.

"Because there is, John and you are about to be part of it," Abbie replied.

"Olivia tried to protect Frankie. They had been captured by the leaders of the gang. Liv got them to beat on her more to protect Frankie and the baby. When FBI and the local unis got there, Olivia has somehow gotten out of her chains, gotten to Frankie and delivered the boy. Frankie died on the scene."

"So, what about the boy?" Rollins asked.

"That is where, as John would say: 'Things get hinky," Alex replied.

"I've got this part. Since I am representing Olivia Benson on behalf of the FBI, I'll tell you. It seems that prior to being captured, Ms. Mitchell went to her local family attorney and got a will, a living will, a medical power of attorney and a custodial guardianship made. All of which name Olivia as the sole guardian and parent of the child should anything happen to Frankie," Abbie told them, "So, in essence, Olivia is now the proud mother of a beautiful baby boy."

They all gasped. Elliot stood there with a smile on his face as he watched Munch's mouth go slack and hang. It was worth it he thought. He couldn't wait to tell Liv about this.

"Calm down, everyone," Cragen stated.

"This is where y'all come in," Abbie stated.

"Whatcha need?" Fin asked, first.

"Later today, Alex and I are going to court to get him named as Olivia's adopted son and her to become legally his mother in the State of New York," Abbie stated.

"I figured that much out, Carmichael, but what do you need us for?" Munch asked.

"I need you to help me get my apartment ready for them," Alex stated.

"You want us to set a nursery at your place?" Elliot asked, trying to clarify.

"Yeah, Olivia is going to be staying with me for a while, at least. I want everything to be ready when she gets home. It will make her transition back to New York life a little bit easier."

"What's his name?" Rollins asked.

"She's named him Alexander Donald Benson," Abbie stated.

"Alexander Donald? Where did she come up with that? Is she going to call him 'Alex,' too?" Amaro asked.

"She got the Alexander from me, but that is a long story Munch and I'll tell you later. The Donald came from Captain Cragen. She thinks of you as a father and couldn't think of a better way to repay your kindness. She has decided to call him 'Xander' so there wouldn't be any confusion between us," Alex answered.

"I'm a grandpa?" Cragen asked.

"By default, yeah," Abbie stated, slapping him on the back.

"Way to go, Cap. This calls for a celebration. Drinks on Carmichael," Munch stated.

"Maybe, later, guys. I have things to do in town this week. We need your help."

"I'm in," Fin stated.

"Me, too, can't wait to meet the guy," Munch added.

"I've got nothing better to do with my time off this week. A GA meeting or two, but I think I can squeeze in some decoratin'. Sounds like fun actually," Rollins said.

"You know Kathy and I will do whatever we can. We've got some old baby stuff that Eli has outgrown. I'll bring it over to your place tomorrow," Elliot replied.

"Thanks, El. I know that'll mean a lot to her. She's changed. She's not as angry with you anymore. She's going to need to talk to you when she gets back," Alex told him.

"I'll make the time. Plus, I can help her with the baby. I have a little bit of experience in that field. I do have two boys under my belt. But, she'll be fine. She's a natural," Elliot said.

"I don't know what I can do, but I'll help," Amaro stated.

"That is all we asking for. Thanks everyone. But, like I said, you can't tell anyone else. I don't know what is going to happen when Liv gets back. I just want to make the transition to New York as painless as possible. There more that I can have done here before she gets back, means there is less for her to worry about or stress about," Alex stated.

"Just let us know what you need, Alex. We are all here for you and for her. Call me later and we can set up a time for us to meet at your place. Now, you all go and deal with the legal ends of it, while we get to solving cases and planning a nursery," Cragen replied, as he shooed everyone from his office.

"Alex, one more thing," Cragen said as she was about to leave.

"What's that Captain?"

"Bring her home. Bring him home. And, love them both. I know I will," he stated, smiling.

Alex unlocked her apartment for the first time in three weeks. She knew she needed to air it out before everyone came over. She knew that Abbie would be there first, because she was at the courthouse finalizing the birth certificate for Xander. They would both go file for the social security number and other stuff later in the week.

Alex was glad that she had warned the doorman to her building about the multiple peopled that would be coming. She knew that Andrew knew who Abbie was, but it was the rest of the gang she was preparing him. They weren't all exactly the normal fare that would come by to see to Alex or the other residents in her building. Andrew didn't even bat an eye when she told them that they were all cops. He knew that Alex was an E.A.D.A. and he understood what that meant.

Alex was in the kitchen baking. She had already decided that since everyone had agreed to help that the least she could do was make them all dinner. She decided that lasagna was in order. It wouldn't take all day to bake, but it would take a long enough time that they could get a lot done.

Alex was still in the kitchen when Abbie came in. She had given Abbie a spare key the day before because she knew that they would be going in opposite directions most of times. She wasn't surprised when Abbie came into the kitchen, grabbed a wine glass, a bottle from the fridge and poured herself a healthy glass full, before she took a sip.

"Rough day?" Alex stated, putting the lasagna in the oven.

"Long," Abbie replied, taking another sip.

"Sorry."

"It is all for Olivia, so it's worth it. She makes you happy Alex, I can see that. If I can make her happy, then that makes you happy," Abbie stated.

"Thanks, I think. I need to turn one bedroom into the nursery for Xander and the guest room into a room for Olivia. Will you help me with that?" Alex questioned.

"Absolutely," Abbie answered, "But, I thought that she would move in with you."

"She is, Abbie."

"No, I meant into your room. Like move in move in with you. Y'all have finally admitted to each other that you love each other. I just figured that was the next step."

"It might be, but I am not rushing her. She might not want that. I am letting everything move at her pace. I want her to feel welcome and loved. I don't want to push her," Alex replied.

"I get it. Low and slow. That is a good thing sometimes," Abbie retorted.

"Why does everything turn to sex with you?"

"Because life is more fun that way," Abbie replied, laughing, and then took another sip.

"Thanks guys, I don't know how to repay for you all for all of this. This is incredible. I know that Liv will be pleasantly surprised," Alex told everyone as she looked over the nursery.

"Nothing is too good for Liv," Fin told her.

"Besides, I think that Kathy is going to make me bring Eli over here. It will be a way for me to spend time with Liv, if she'll forgive me. But, don't worry. I'll be a phone call away if you need any help with the little Benson," Elliot stated.

"Thanks, El, that means a lot."

"Well, I got to go. I got the weekend with Zara. Call me if you need anything else," Amaro replied.

"I'll make sure to invite you all over once we're home and Liv is up for it. I owe you all a lot more than just that lasagna, but thanks for it all. I don't know what I would have done without you this week," Alex told them.

"We know, Alex, we know. Just bring her home and we'll be happy. The nursery looks great and so does the extra room. Liv will be happy," Rollins stated.

"Call me when you get back. I want to make sure that everything is okay. And, let Liv know that we are here for her, day or night," Munch said.

"I will, guys, thanks," Alex replied, as they all left.

"Well, that went better than I expected," Abbie told her as she closed the door, "Now, all we have to do is get Liv back in New York and settled. That ought to be fun."

"Well, she is my cornerstone now. I just hope that I can be one for her. I just want to build a life with her and Xander. I hope she'll let me."


	16. Chapter 15- Rebuilding

**Chapter Fifteen - Rebuilding**

Liv sat outside Huang's office and waited. He was dealing with another agent. She was early. She was trying to find closure. She was trying to find…herself. She was still thinking when Huang opened the door to his office.

"Liv, you ready?" he asked.

"I guess."

"What do you want to talk about today?" he asked, as they both sat down.

"I thought you were supposed to be leading these conversations," Liv answered.

"I can, but that isn't going to help you process. How are you feeling? I was told that the doctor released you today. Does that make you feel better?"

"I guess."

"Olivia, do you want to go back to work?"

"I don't know."

"Why?"

"I don't feel right. I feel like something is wrong with me. I want to hurt D. J. and Robin. I want to hurt them because of what they did to Frankie and Xander," Liv answered.

"That is a normal response. Are you planning on acting on those feelings? Do you want to kill them?" Huang questioned.

"I want to. So bad. But, then there is something that is telling me not to. There is a little voice telling me to go back to New York and back to SVU. But, I want to go back to Atlanta, get my bike and just cruise."

"Is that urge strong?"

"To run away and never look back? Yeah, and it infuriates me. I don't want to run. I have finally gotten everything I want. I have Alex. I have Xander. But, somehow I don't feel like it is enough. I left to find myself and I think that I lost myself," Liv answered.

"To who?"

"Julie."

"She is a part of you. You made her up. She is you to a degree. Julie is you. Olivia, you need to find a way to make Julie and Olivia coexist. Julie is a part of your psyche. Trying to suppress that part of your personality and your life is only going to cause more problems for you."

"I know that."

"But, you don't want to be her anymore, do you?"

"No."

"Why?"

"Because when I'm her, I don't have Alex."

"You love Alex. Alex loves you. If she didn't, she wouldn't have come for you. Hasn't she agreed to be there for you no matter what?"

"Yes, but?"

"Why do you think that you don't deserve her?" Huang asked.

"Because I don't. I never have. I am soiled."

"How so?"

"From birth, I always have been. She knows that. I have done things that I can't undo. I don't understand how she can just come in here, tell me she loves me, and then stay. It doesn't make sense. Nothing is making sense to me right now."

"You're confused about what is going on?"

"I don't understand why the FBI decided to get State involved with my legal work. I don't understand why they are supporting me about Xander. I would think that they would want to sweep it under the rug and put him in foster care. Why me? Why are they helping me?"

"Normally, I would agree with you. Liv, you did what you were supposed to do in a very strange situation. You escalated the paperwork. It was reviewed. It was legally sound. The FBI can't stand in the way. It would come out that you were Julie Seabrook while undercover. It made more sense to them to hide the child with you, like a child would be hidden in Wit Sec. You are the prime candidate to protect him. You love him. You almost died for him. The FBI knows that you aren't going to let anything happen to him."

"But, why?"

"He is evidence."

Liv laughed. She stared at him, knowing he was right. Xander was potentially evidence in the case. His DNA was linked to the case. If someone had raped Frankie, then Xander was the proof. Olivia's brain worked overtime trying to remember the day that Frankie told her she was pregnant. Did Frankie try to tell her something? Was there something she missed?

_"Olivia?" Frankie called out, as she entered the apartment._

_"I'm back here. What's going on, Baby? You've been gone a long time. I was beginning to get worried," Olivia called back._

_Frankie found her in the kitchen. She was smiling as she was preparing something on the stove. Frankie thought it smelled wonderful. She could only wonder what delight that Olivia was making. There was just something about the woman that took Frankie's breath away._

_"What's wrong, Babe?" Olivia asked, coming around the counter to kiss the blond on the forehead. "Something happen at work? You wanna talk about it?"_

_"I do need to tell you something. It's kinda important. Can that wait?" Frankie asked, pointing at the pots on the stove. "It might take a minute and I don't want to ruin dinner."_

_"Yeah, I can turn it down. It can simmer for a while. What's wrong?" she questioned as she turned down the knobs on the stove._

_"I wasn't at work."_

_"Did you go to the bar?" Liv asked, getting worried about the cover operation._

_"No, I went to the doctor. I didn't feel well earlier. I just wanted to make sure."_

_"Make sure of what?" Liv asked, taking a seat next to Frankie at their kitchen table._

_She grabbed Frankie's hand and held it. Frankie looked scared. There was just something in her eyes and it was bothering Olivia. She tried to make Frankie feel at ease. Olivia was trying to comfort her._

_"Just tell me what's wrong, Frankie?"_

_"Well, I haven't felt well for a while. And, I was late. I went by the doctor. I needed to know. I had to know if it was true. I don't know what I want to do yet, but I needed to know."_

_"Frankie, tell me."_

_"Julie, I'm pregnant."_

_Olivia was stunned. That was not was she was preparing to hear. A thousand thoughts ran through her head, but being pregnant wasn't even on the radar. She squeezed Frankie's hand and smiled. She was trying to be supportive, but she didn't know what to say._

_"Julie, say something," Frankie told her._

_"I don't know what to say. I'm happy for you if you're happy about this. I'm glad you told me. I'll be here for you, either way," Liv told her._

_"I don't know what to think."_

_"Did you want this?" Liv asked her, the detective in her coming to the surface._

_"I don't know. It wasn't something I sought out. It just kinda happened."_

_"What does that mean? Did someone hurt you? Was it someone in the gang?"_

_"That's just it, Julie, I don't know who the father is."_

_"Are you sure?" Liv questioned._

_"Look, I don't want to upset you, but I was with guys before you. Robin and I weren't exactly exclusive. I wasn't a very good girlfriend to her. I wasn't exactly good about keeping track of what I was doing. The gang is a great group of people. They've taken care of me, in more ways than one. I owe them, Julie. I know you don't like that, but it is true," Frankie answered._

_"I know that. I owe them for you, Babe, but if one of them is father…"_

_"It won't matter. They won't know who it was either. Besides, I am not going to tell them, yet."_

_"When then?" Liv questioned._

_"When I have to. I don't want D. J. to get mad. I know how he can get. I don't know that I can see a doctor here. I may have to go out of town."_

_"I'll take you then. I don't want D. J. doing anything to harm you or the baby. And, I certainly don't want Robin involved if we don't have to. She can be vicious," Liv replied._

_"I know. I dated her, remember? Neither one of them is going to take it well. It means that I won't be able to make deliveries anymore. They'll have to find someone else. They might even ask you to do it. Robin likes you, more than I would like, but she does," Frankie stated._

_"Well, you don't have to worry about me, Frankie. I'm a one woman gal. Besides, Robin doesn't have what I want," Olivia told her._

_"Oh, yeah, and what is that?"_

_"You," Liv answered._

"Liv? Olivia? Where were you just, now?" Huang asked, pulling her back to the present.

"Back in Atlanta. I was back in Atlanta in the apartment that Frankie had. It was the day she told me she was pregnant. She told me so much in that conversation even though it was short. She gave me a lot of information. I don't think she did consciously, but she did it. She thought she could trust me. I let her down. I am the reason that she is dead," Liv answered.

"You aren't the reason she is dead. You did try to protect her, but there isn't much you can do hanging across the warehouse with a broken arm and a dislocated shoulder. You took the beatings so she didn't have to, Liv. You saved her. No one could have known that she would have complications during birth. You couldn't help her then. You can help her now. You can help Xander grow up, big and strong. You are his mother, now. YOU are the one that is going to give him the better life that I am sure you and Frankie wanted for him."

"We did. I do. I am scared."

"It's okay to be scared, Liv. No one is going to blame you. Having a child is a scary thing, because you know that you have someone else's well-being to take care of besides your own. I know that you are afraid that you'll mess up. Every mother feels that way. And, you may make mistakes, but you have people around you that are willing to help you. All you have to do is ask. I know that you don't want to ask for help. I know you don't want to be here, but I think that you'll find that it is helping you readjust," Huang told her.

"Thanks, Doc."

"Olivia, I'm being serious. Alex and Dana are worried about you. Alex called Abbie to help because she thought that Abbie could help you, too. Everyone is just trying to help."

"I didn't ask for it."

"Sometimes you don't need to ask for others to know that you are hurting."

"I never said I was."

"Olivia, this is me you're talking to. I know you. I also know when Julie surfaces. You were alone on the op. There was no one there to talk to when you got upset or frustrated with how things were moving. Russell was your cover brother. You could talk to him about the case and stuff pertaining to it, but you never did on an emotional level. I don't think you connected with him like he did with you. I'm sure that he tried to be there for you."

"He did."

"But, there was something that made you keep your guard up?" Huang half stated, half asked.

"Yeah, he reminded me of Elliot and everything I wasn't. He reminded me that I didn't come from a great family, but I had to pretend at something I didn't understand. He reminded me of everything that I left because I had gotten too emotional to work. He reminded me of regrets that I had with Elliot, Alex and even Cragen. I think that is why I moved in with Frankie as soon as she asked. I couldn't be in that house with him. It felt too much like a lie, a lie I couldn't tell myself much less convince someone else that it was true. He was just too good to me."

"Is that the only reason that you bonded with Frankie?"

"I don't know."

"You had a relationship with her, Olivia. You were with her for about six months. There has to be a reason. You said once that she reminded you of Alex. Do you think that you were attracted to her because she was a substitute for Alex?"

Liv stared at him angrily. She had never thought of it that way. There was something about Frankie that reminded her of Alex, but she wasn't Alex. They were different, but the same.

"She wasn't Alex."

"I know that, Liv. Do you think that you were attracted to her because of your attraction to Alex, though? I know that might be hard for you to admit, but is it a possibility?"

"I don't know, besides the fact that they are both blond."

"We need to explore your feelings for Frankie, Liv. I know that you don't want to do, but we need to so you can move forward. There had to be something that drove you to Frankie. Describe her to me. Tell me what you like about her," Huang suggested.

"She was innocent. She was sweet. She held me at night when the nightmares came and kept them at bay other nights. She wasn't frightened of me."

"She wasn't frightened of you?"

"Yeah, she talked to me. She came to me. She initiated the connection. I don't go looking for anyone or anything. She wasn't scared off by my butch look. She was actually attracted to it. It was nice for a change, for someone to want me for me," Liv answered.

"But, you were Julie," Huang replied.

"I know. Don't remind me about that. That makes things even more trivial in my head."

"Why is it so trivial? What is it about Julie that you want to forget? Did something happen?"

"Nothing that you don't already know about," Liv replied.

"Try me," Huang responded.

"Well, you already know that Frankie died. There isn't much more to tell. You've already figured out that I had feelings for Frankie. I loved her in my own way. There I said it. Does that make you happy, Huang? Does it?"

"I am just trying to make you feel better about the situation. I am here to help you move on and forward, Olivia. You were traumatized by your ordeal. I am here to help you with that. It doesn't matter if I am happy. I only want you to be happy," Huang answered.

"I can never be happy."

"Why is that?"

"Because I let her die."

"Frankie? You still blame yourself for Frankie's death. Is that why you are so distant? Olivia, you can't blame yourself for someone else's actions. You know that. How many times have you told a victim it isn't their fault. This is the same thing," he told her.

"IT IS NOT," she replied, hissing each word through clinched teeth.

"What is it that is affecting you so much?"

"I can't protect Xander. I can't protect Alex. I don't deserve them. I couldn't protect Frankie. I don't understand why I think that I can love and protect Xander and Alex."

"It is because you love them."

"But that isn't enough," Liv said, almost at a whisper.

"Why not?"

Olivia looked up at him. The tears were there, threatening to fall at the slightest push, but she held them at bay. Her eyes were sad and wounded. Huang had to resist going to her and holding her. He had to make her face her humanity, her frailty. She had to learn to live with it.

"Olivia, we are all afraid of hurting the ones we love. It is part of love. It is an integral part of the emotion. We give ourselves to the other person freely and hope that they will do the same in return. You cannot punish yourself and hide behind some notion that not loving them will protect them. We cannot be everywhere all the time. What are you so afraid of?"

"That the gang will come for Xander. That something will happen to him or to Alex. I can't…I can't live like that…I can't ask her to live like that. I can't be with her, no matter how much my heart and brain want it. I am not good for her. I can't protect her. I can't be what she needs. I'll break and she'll be hurt. I couldn't protect her from the drug dealer. I couldn't protect her from what I've become. I can't protect her from the gang. I can't protect her from what might happen to me. I can't save her from me," Olivia stated.

"You've thought all this through," he questioned, wanting to change the topic.

"Of course, how could I not? I watched Frankie die before me. Her blood is my hands. I can't ask Alex to put her life on the line for me. I can't ask her to risk it for Xander. I love her too much to lose her," Liv explained.

"But, yet, you are willing to push her away and not have her to save her?" Huang asked.

"Yeah, I am."

"Why? Explain why that is better. I am not sure that I understand your reasoning."

"If I leave her now, she'll live never knowing the dangers that the gang could cause us. If I leave her now, she doesn't have the possibility to die because of me. If she lives, even without me, then I'll be okay knowing that she loves me and I love her. We can't be together. It would destroy us both. I can't let her get hurt. I can't let anything happen to her," Liv stated.

"So, you would punish both of you for her safety?"

"Not both, just me."

"But, you told me that she loves you. She came to Virginia to be with you, to help you get well, and to make you see that she loves you. Pushing her away is only going to make her fight back harder. You and I both know that Alex isn't one to back down from a challenge. Olivia, she isn't going to leave you. She came here knowing who and what you are. Why can't you accept that she loves you for you and what you are, what you do, what you are going to do?"

"Because I am a fuck up. I told her I loved her in a letter as I left for this assignment. I was too chicken shit to tell her to her face. I cheated on her with Frankie. I have a baby now. I have to think about their well-being and their well-being isn't with me. I am going to take Xander and go once we get back to New York. I can't stay with her. I can't put her in danger," Liv said.

"What danger will you put her in?"

"I am a cop. It follows me. I couldn't protect Frankie. Why should I think that I can protect Alex and Xander? No, I know I can't. I am going to get him and move out West somewhere. The gang doesn't have any operations out there. I'll…we'll safer there."

"Until when? Olivia, listen to yourself. You are willing to walk away from everything that you know, everything that you love, everything that you have to be lonely, miserable and safe. That isn't you. You face everything head on. Now, Alex loves you and she isn't going to let you go without a fight. You love her. She's come here for only one thing: You."

"But, I don't deserve her."

"That is completely up to Alexandra Cabot and not to Olivia Benson. You need to learn to surrender to her. That is what you are afraid of isn't it?"

"What?"

"You are afraid to love her, because you think that she'll leave you."

"She has no reason to stay with me. I've proven that to her time and time again. If she is with me, she'll only get hurt. I can't stand for that," Olivia replied.

"I want to talk to the both of you."

"No."

"That wasn't a request. You want to get out of here and you know that is only through me. Dana pulled enough strings to get me to be the counselor you see during the debriefings. You might as well get used to that couch, because I am not unleashing you on the world until I know that you are ready. Next time, I want you to bring Alex. You need to talk to her. I know that you won't do it on your own, now. So, I'll provide an environment for you," Huang told her.

"And, if I don't agree."

"Then, you will stay here, until you do," Huang told her, "Virginia is a nice play, but it isn't the City. You need to learn to trust others again. I know that is hard after being undercover for so long, but until you can trust yourself, you'll never trust anyone else. You need to learn to trust Olivia again. Julie can't help you, now. Only Olivia can protect Olivia."


	17. Chapter 16 - Memory

**Chapter Sixteen - Memory**

Alex sat on the couch in the living room of the FBI apartment. Olivia hadn't come in yet. She was nervous. Huang had warned her that Liv might be distant when she got home. She knew that it was the only news that he could give her. He couldn't discuss anything that Olivia stated unless it pertained to the case and then that would be a matter of public record. Anything else would be considered privilege.

Alex was getting antsy. She was restless. She had been away from Olivia for a week and she felt lost. She had finally gotten Liv back and got Liv only to be losing her to the case. Alex could only wonder what she could do to make Olivia see that they belonged together. She had to make Olivia realize that they were good for each other. They both knew the horrors of the world and fought to make it a little better place.

Olivia came in the apartment and found a drowsy Alex on the couch. She immediately recoiled. Liv fought the urge to run away. She smiled at Alex and swallowed hard as she made her way to the bathroom. She was silently thanking Dana for keeping Xander a little while longer, well, until Olivia felt ready to have him 24/7.

Liv went into the bathroom and stared into the mirror. She turned on the tap and ran her hands under the water. She allowed the cool water to run through her olive skinned fingers. She watched as the water flowed and covered her hands. Slowly she gathered some water in her palms, looked up into the mirror and brought the water to her face, washing away her painful thoughts and memories. She stared at the reflection in the mirror in horror as she watched the water drip off the face into the sink below.

"Julie?" she whispered at the reflection.

"You know who I am."

"I am going crazy. I am going crazy. You aren't real," Liv told the reflection.

"Aren't I? Olivia, I am part of you. If I am not real, then you aren't real."

Liv stared at the face in horror. This isn't what she wanted. She wanted to go back to the FBI headquarters in New York and stop herself from becoming this person. She wanted to stop Julie.

"You can't stop me, Olivia. I am you. To stop me, you have to stop yourself."

"I could do that you know?" Liv told the reflection.

"You would kill yourself? I don't think so. You love Alex and Xander too much to do that to them. We both know that. They would curse you if you were that selfish. You would be no better than Mother if you did that."

"Why won't you leave me alone?" Liv asked.

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because I am you. You are me. We are one."

"You aren't me!" Liv screamed at the reflection.

Liv could hear the small knock on the door. She ignored it. She put her hands under the water again and doused her face again. She knew that it was Alex at the door. She knew that she had to get a grip on her anger and her feelings if she was going to deal with Alex. She couldn't let Julie win. She couldn't let Julie out. Julie was Olivia, but she was unrestrained. She scared Olivia with the passion and ferocity that she bore towards everything. She didn't want Alex to see her this way. She had to get a grip.

"Liv?" Alex finally questioned.

"I'm okay."

"You sure?" Alex asked thru the door.

"I'm fine. I just felt a little nauseous. I'll be out in a minute."

"Do you need anything?"

"NO! No, I am fine…thank you for asking. I'll be out soon."

Thankfully she heard Alex walk away. She looked back into the dark, almost black eyes of Julie in the mirror. She saw the faint, but overly cocky smile that Biker gave her back.

"Why are you wasting your time in here, Stud? She's out there and waiting for you. Go get her," Julie told her, winking knowingly.

"I can't do that," Olivia reasoned.

"Why not? We both know that she wants you. We both know that we both want her."

"You can't have her," Olivia told her reflection thru clinched teeth.

"You gonna stop me. I think not. You are cracking detective."

"I am not losing my mind. I am not crazy. I am not—"

"Out there with the woman you love," Julie replied.

"Stop that. Stop fucking doing that. You don't know what is going on in my head."

"But, I do. I know everything that you know. I know how sometimes at night when you, I mean when I was with Frankie, how we longed for to Alex, to kiss Alex, to know Alex. We cared for Frankie, but your Huang dude was right. She was just a surrogate. We still ached for the real thing. We still yearned for the fleeting glance from her steel blue eyes, yearned for an accidental brush of her hand across ours as we exchanged files, ached for the soft touch on the shoulder for a job well done. Face it, Olivia, you've loved her for years. Frankie was a nice distraction, but whose name did you call out for in the middle of the night when the demons were too close? Whose name did you scream out when the nightmares threatened your sanity? I'll give you a hint. She is outside this door," Julie told her.

Liv stared at the reflection, willing Julie back into the recesses of her mind. She stared at the reflection until her eyes turned brown again. She stood there staring, willing her heart rate to go back to normal, her breathing to slow and her mind to stop racing.

She grabbed the handle of the door and opened the door. She was greeted by Alex in the hallway. Liv met her sapphire eyes and broke a little more inside. There would always be something about the way that Alex looked at her that would make her quake on the inside. There would always be something about Alex that made Olivia swoon.

"Liv?" Alex questioned, noticing the conflicting emotions in Liv's eyes.

"I'm good, Alex. Thanks for asking. I just need to get something to drink," Liv told her turning to go into the kitchen.

Alex stood in the door way and watched her. She watched as Olivia grabbed a glass from the cupboard and filled it, drained it, and filled it again from the tap at the kitchen sink. Alex knew that something was bothering her and that Liv was forcing the water down. She knew that she shouldn't push Liv into telling her what was wrong, but her lawyer instincts were taking over. She wanted to know. She stood there, arguing with herself in her head, as Liv drank more water.

"I'm fine, Alex. I promise. Huang got to me today. I just needed to think. I am good."

"I understand. Do you want to be alone?" Alex asked, knowing that she didn't want her to be alone. "I'll go over to Dana's if you do."

"You don't have to do that. You shouldn't have to sacrifice on my account. I don't want you to suffer on my behalf, Alex. I don't want to hurt you," Liv told her.

"Then don't. Tell me what you are thinking. Talk to me. I am here for you, but I can't help you if you don't let me. Just talk to me, Liv. Tell me anything you want to," Alex explained.

"That is dangerous."

"I know. I can handle it. I can take it. Just talk to me. I won't judge you. How can I? You were doing your job. You were following the case. I can't fault you for that."

"But you can," Liv stated.

"Why? Because of Frankie? Is all this because you were with Frankie?"

"I don't know."

"Yes, you do. You think that I mad that you were with her, don't you? I am a little upset about it, but mostly I am jealous. I am jealous that she got to you before I did. I am jealous because she gave you that wonderful child. I am jealous because she broke through somehow to your heart before I could. But, can I fault you or her for that? No, I can't. I can only tell you, now, that I love you and I hope that one day you will love me like you did before you left," Alex told her, the tears streaming down her face.

The sight of Alex crying was Olivia's undoing. She dropped the glass into the sink, crossed the kitchen and was Alex's side in no time flat. She wasn't thinking. She was feeling and it was something that she had gotten used to doing. It was one of things that Julie had taught her.

The next thing that Liv knew was that she had Alex up against the hallway wall. Her hands were buried in Alex's hair and she was searching Alex's eyes for any hint of repulsion. Finding none, Liv's entire body softened. Alex's eyes watched Olivia, never once showing an ounce of fear. Olivia cupped Alex's face, rubbing her thumbs across Alex's cheeks.

Alex watched the emotions going thru Olivia's eyes. She didn't move. She had been surprised by Liv's strength, but she knew that Liv wasn't trying to hurt her. She just stared at Liv, hoping that her love shown through enough for Liv to see.

Olivia held Alex still against the wall in the hallway. She was gentle and loving. She ran her hands through Alex's hair, stopping short at Alex's shoulders. Before Olivia could stop herself, she leaned in and kissed Alex.

Alex melted in Olivia's hands. She allowed Olivia to deepen the kiss. She finally reached up and grabbed Liv around the waist and held her. It was the first time that Liv didn't pull away from Alex's touch. Alex was revealing in the moment.

Olivia pulled back and stared at Alex. The desire showed brightly in Alex's dancing sapphire eyes. Olivia's eyes darkened with lust, desire, want, but there was more behind it that Alex could see but she couldn't put a name to it. Olivia was out of breath, but unwilling to let Alex go. She fought her need, her desire to bury herself into Alex.

"I'm sorry."

"For kissing me?" Alex asked in response.

"Yeah, I shouldn't have done that."

"Why not?"

"Because…we aren't ready for that. We don't know each other. We need to talk. I need to tell you things. I need for you to understand what I went through," Olivia told her.

"We will talk. I know we will, Liv. We can sit down and talk about all of that, later. Right now, I want to talk about what you are feeling. Tell me what you are thinking right now," Alex stated.

"Alex…"

"Olivia, don't shut me out. Talk to me. I am not going anywhere. I am staying right here with you," Alex told her, pulling her back into her embrace, "Olivia, I love you."

Olivia pushed her back into the wall. Alex didn't complain as Liv shoved her hard into the wall. Olivia was losing the battle to control herself. Alex could see the war in Olivia's eyes. She could see how Olivia was fighting to hold herself back.

"Alex…"

"Liv, talk to me," Alex whispered.

"Alex…"

"Talk to me, Liv."

Olivia broke. She couldn't tell who won, but she couldn't hold back anymore. There was nothing that she could say to Alex that could convey what she was feeling. There was no way to tell Alex how much she truly cared for her, loved her, needed her.

Alex stared into Olivia's eyes. She didn't let Olivia go. She actually pulled Olivia closer to her.

"Liv…"

Olivia's resolve broke further. She pushed Alex against the wall, pulling Alex's arms above her head. Alex let out a pent up breath as Liv descended back to her mouth. Alex was a little surprised at the ferocity behind the kiss. Liv dominated Alex's mouth. Alex moaned into Liv's mouth as she pushed her body against Olivia, trying to prove her point.

"Alex…"

Olivia pushed her back into the wall. She released Alex's arms and immediately went for Alex's shirt. She heard Alex's moan, but she didn't stop. She was driven, driven by a need to feel Alex, to touch her, to make up for all the time that they missed.

"Alex…"

"Olivia…"

Liv didn't stop Alex as she pulled Liv closer. Liv kissed her again, but this time, Alex deepened the kiss. She held Olivia as she pushed her tongue through Olivia's lips. Liv moaned into Alex's mouth. Olivia couldn't still her hands as she ripped the button-up shirt that Alex was wearing open. Alex sighed, not sure if her mind could allow her to let this happen.

Olivia pushed her hands around Alex's torso to her back. She pulled Alex off the wall and into her, needing to feel Alex's heat against her own body. She stilled her hands just under Alex's bra, gripping Alex's rib cage, enjoying the feel of Alex's naked flesh under her callused hands.

"Liv…"

"Alex, I…"

"No, Liv, don't. It's okay. I know. I know. Trust me, I know."

Olivia backed up, pushing Alex back into the wall, as she moved away. Olivia put her hand up as she saw Alex about to say something more. The look that overcame Olivia's face was one of horror. She couldn't believe that her resolve had dissolved with one look at Alex.

"Alex, I shouldn't…"

"Olivia Benson, stop that thought right there. You weren't alone in that kiss. You weren't alone in the want. You weren't alone."

"I…I can't…I shouldn't have…"

"Liv, listen to me. I wanted to kiss you. I wanted you. Hell, I still want you. I've wanted you for so long. Look at me. Liv, look at me," Alex begged her.

Olivia looked up. Alex raised her hand to Liv's face and brushed the tears away. The look in Liv's eyes tore at Alex's heart. Something broke in Alex, something deep inside, an ache that she had buried years ago. Alex reached out and took Olivia's hand.

"Alex?"

"Liv, I love you. I know you care for me. You've probably had a long day. I am sure that Huang pushed again today. Come with me," Alex told her.

Olivia didn't argue. She was happy to follow Alex. She didn't know what Alex was thinking or planning, but she was taking Huang's advice and surrendering to her emotions and feelings. She let Alex take her into Alex's room.

"Olivia, I have tried to tell you how much I love you. I have done everything that I can think of but just taking you to make you understand that. I know that you have your reservations because of what happened to you while you were undercover. We will talk about everything that happened and I know that I will jealous, but it is part of your past. We will have to deal with what that brings to our relationship."

"Alex, I don't…"

"For once, Olivia, stop thinking."

Alex sat her on the end of the bed. She stood between Olivia's legs and held her face. Alex stared into Olivia's eyes. Every time that Olivia would try to look away, Alex would turn her face back to her own.

"Liv…"

"Alex…"

"Stay there. Don't move. I've got something to show you," Alex explained.

Alex backed up. She stood in front of Olivia and watched Olivia's face. Liv was mesmerized by Alex. She slinked out of her shirt and laid it across the chest o' drawers. Liv's eyes widened. Alex took a tentative step forward back toward Olivia. She watched Liv melt. She reached out and caressed Liv's cheek.

Olivia swallowed hard. She was confused but she loved Alex. Alex didn't give her time to think about it. She leaned down, took Liv's hands in her own and then placed them on her bare skin. Alex watched as Liv smiled at the contact. She reached up and took off her bra. Liv's eyes got bigger as she smiled up at Alex. Alex smiled back, took Olivia's face in her hands, and kissed Olivia fully. Olivia couldn't stop touching Alex, no matter how hard she tried.

Olivia sighed. She didn't fight it. She let Alex lead. And, in the back of her mind, Julie was smiling. For once, the memories of what happened weren't plaguing Olivia. She was caught up in the moment, in the feeling, in Alex.


	18. Chapter 17- Angst

**A/N: Sorry for the delay. I have been really working hard on the progression of this one. It is my longest yet. I have also been planning out further chapters and how I want the story to move forward. I hope you enjoy this one. As always, please R/R. JET**

**Disclaimer for this chapter: Rating gets very M+ for sex and language, if you don't like either, sorry. I would suggest you wait for the next chapter. If you are too young to read it, move on. **

**Chapter Seventeen - Angst **

Alex held Olivia's head, forcing her to look past her naked flesh and into her eyes. Olivia thought she would faint from the gorgeous site before her. Alex wasn't going to let it go this time and Olivia knew it. There was too much raw need, desire and want behind her last kiss. There had been too much time lost between them.

Alex forced Olivia to look her in the eyes as she reach down and took the hem of Liv's shirt. Olivia didn't question the pleading look in Alex's eyes. She slightly nodded her head in ascension as she felt Alex's fingers skirt across her torso as she pulled on Liv's shirt. Olivia was not surprised at the speed in which Alex took it off her. Liv wanted to turn away. She didn't want Alex to see the scars.

"Liv, let me see you," Alex said, quietly.

Liv looked up into her eyes. She didn't see pain, but hope and love. Olivia turned back to face her, letting Alex take in everything, every mark, every scar, every tattoo. Alex reached down and took Liv's hand. She pressed it to her shoulder and to the angry scar there.

"We both have our scars, Liv. There is nothing that we cannot show each other. We know what can happen with our jobs. We've seen the horror together. We fight. These are our badges of honor. You shouldn't be ashamed of them. You earned them all defending the weak and protecting us all," Alex told her.

"Not all of them," Liv whispered.

Alex gave her a questioning look, but didn't ask. She didn't want to ruin the moment any more than it had been already. She ran her arm over the tattoo on Liv's shoulder, noting the vibrancy of the colors. She traced the lines of the golden cross on the red koi fish. Olivia was relishing in the feel of Alex's fingers on her skin that she didn't notice when Alex stopped moving and looked into Liv's chocolate brown eyes with questions.

"Liv?"

"Yeah?"

"What does this one mean? I didn't figure that you would go for something so Oriental. It's beautiful but I'm sure that it has some meaning. Will you tell me about them?" Alex asked.

"That is for you. It was a way that I could keep you near me. Always. Even though you weren't near me, I had still had part of you to help keep me grounded."

"I don't understand."

"I believe you would if you remembered your cousin's tattoo."

"Are you talking about Stephen's Cabot coat of arms? I seem to remember my aunt going ballistic when he came home with that. What does that have to do with anything?"

"Look closer," Liv instructed, putting her hand on Alex's, tracing the lines with both their hands, "The three koi fish represent the Cabot family. I took the Benson coat of arms, which has three golden crosses and black chevron on a white background. I blended them to make the tableau. To be honest no one got it, thank goodness, except for Dana."

"So this is for us?"

"Yes."

"Wow, I am honored. But, Liv, why did you wait? You sent the letter…"

"Not now, Alex, it isn't important."

"I love you," Alex blurted out.

"I love you, too, Alex. I have for so long. I am sorry that I've hurt you."

"Stop. Don't. We have to move past that and build on what we have now. I'm not leaving; no matter what you tell me happened while you were in Atlanta. I'd thought I'd lost you. I am not letting you go, again," Alex told her.

She gripped Liv tighter and brought Liv's face into her breasts. She held her, enjoying their closeness. She leaned Liv back enough so she could tale in the full site of her naked torso. Liv just stared into the loving sapphire eyes that ate up every inch of her skin, tattoos, scars and all.

"So beautiful…"

Alex couldn't contain her self anymore. She pushed Liv back on the bed and crawled on top of her. Alex straddled Liv's hips and descended for another kiss. Liv moaned at the skin to skin contact of their bodies as Alex kissed her. Her body screamed with need and her core ached for Alex to touch her. Liv was fighting, trying to stay restrained, but Julie...Julie wanted to be unleashed.

Julie wanted Liv to take Alex then and now. Liv wanted Alex, but didn't want to scare her. Liv's conservativeness was the polar opposite of Julie's unbridled passion. Julie acted before thinking, while Liv thought out every action before acting. Somehow when it came to Frankie, they could agree in bed. Julie was begging to be released, knowing how bad that Olivia needed to bury herself in Alex's warmth. Julie tried to make Liv see that she needed her, but Liv kept Julie at bay. That was until Alex deepened the kiss.

Alex could feel the change happening in Olivia. She wasn't scared. She wanted to see Olivia let loose, knowing it would help her mend in the end. She knew that Liv had been keeping everything bottled up inside. She was pushing Liv as far as she could as hard as she could within reason. She wanted Olivia so bad that her desires were out weighing what the consequences could be in the morning. Frankly, she didn't give a damn; she wanted Olivia as much as she could tell that Liv wanted her.

"Alex…"

It was a plea. It was a warning. It was Julie's tipping point. Olivia surrendered to both Julie and Alex's desires as she moaned into Alex's wanton mouth.

Julie was unleashed in Olivia's mind and took over her body. Olivia wasn't fully complacent. She was in the background waiting for Julie to go too far, too fast, too…anything. But, she had to admit that Julie was the lover that Alex needed right now. She was the personality that Olivia could lose herself to in bed and not regret it later.

Alex looked into Olivia's eyes, as they turned black as coal. For a second, Alex wondered if she was pushing too hard for this, but then when Olivia circled her arms around Alex's body, she knew that Olivia wanted her just as badly. Alex slipped her tongue into Olivia's mouth, tasting her. She teased Liv's luscious lips and she felt Liv hold her tighter.

Before Alex knew was happening, she was on her back with Olivia looming over her. She watched as Liv studied every inch of skin. She was mesmerized when Liv reached out to touch her scar, gingerly and with so much emotion. She could see the tears forming in Liv's eyes.

"It isn't your fault."

"But, it is. I couldn't protect you then. I can't protect you now."

"But, you did. You saved me that night. You kept my secret for three years. You have always done what you thought was best for me. You have always put me first."

"Alex…"

"Liv, just love me. Love me like only you can. That is all I want," Alex told her.

It was all that Julie needed to hear. She was on Alex's mouth kissing her like it was the only way that Olivia could breathe. Alex moaned into Liv's mouth, begging for more. Julie obliged. Her hands began to touch Alex, mapping out every inch of Alex's almost flawless skin.

"You're like cream. I could touch you for hours. God, you are beautiful, woman."

"Liv, touch me."

Julie needed no further encouragement. She was going to have Alex and Olivia be damned, she was going to enjoy every blissful minute of it. Olivia could yell at her in the mirror in the morning if she wanted, but right now, Julie was going to pleasure them both.

Her hands flew to Alex's jeans. Julie made a note of it. She thought that Alex was sexy in anything, but there was something about seeing her outside the courtroom or office, relaxed that she knew would be Olivia's undoing. Jeans were a must for that, and Julie was going to make sure that they remembered that. She undid the button fly and slowly removed them from Alex's toned legs. The sight of her lower body…her entire body only clothed in some dainty blue silk panties brought Olivia to forefront.

Liv reached out to touch Alex's stomach, shyly. The confidence of Julie was gone, but the desire hadn't slacked any. It was the one thing that they could agree on: what Alex's body did to them.

Alex reached down for Olivia and pulled her back on top. She pushed her hands into Olivia's slacks, going over Liv's ass before squeezing. She heard Liv gasp and she buried her nails into Liv's ass through her boy shorts.

Liv felt herself losing control of the emotions she had so carefully bottled up for years. It was like Alex was the key. Alex was her undoing and she couldn't be happier about it. She stared down into Alex's eyes, seeing the love Alex gave her reflected back at her. It was all Olivia needed to push Julie back. She could lose herself to Alex, but she had to control Julie's overwhelming wantonness.

She leaned down and kissed Alex, again fully. It was like Alex's mouth was nectar and she couldn't get enough. She felt the heat of Alex's exposed skin beneath her hardened fingers. Alex moaned at Liv's touch, only making Liv touch her more. Olivia ran her hands over Alex's skin revealing in her moans.

"Oh, Liv…"

Liv smiled down at Alex before she kissed her again. Alex rewarded her with her tongue. They battled for control of the kiss, neither surrendering. Liv sighed and broke the kiss to get air. She watched as Alex watched her.

"Alex, I've been so stupid…"

"Not now, Liv. Stop thinking. Let your emotions go. I'm not going to hurt you," Alex told her as she rubbed her hands up Liv's arms to her shoulders.

Liv ducked her head, tucking her chin to her chest overcome by…Alex. She took in the pale blonde's body in her movements. She closed her eyes and thanked whatever deity was happy with her for allowing this chance with Alex. Her eyes opened and she caught another glimpse of Alex's blue silk panties. Liv looked up into Alex's baby blues and smiled.

"Alex…You're so damn beautiful."

"Kiss me, Liv."

"I can't believe this is real. That you're real. I just…I can't…not even in my dreams…oh, Alex…Alex, I have loved you for so long," Liv told her.

"Kiss me, Liv. Touch me. Know that I am here with you and this isn't a dream."

Olivia gathered Alex in her arms, turning them slightly on the bed so they were facing each other. Alex smiled as she watched Liv's eyes darken again. This time Alex wasn't going to let Liv think. She only wanted her to feel. She needed Liv to let go and be free. She knew it would give them both what they wanted…Love.

Alex leaned into her, her arms coming up to Olivia's mid-back and her bra. Alex deftly unhooked it and helped Liv out of it. She heard Liv's breath hitch as she drank in the sight of Liv's naked breasts. Alex restrained herself from touching the newly exposed skin.

"Liv…you're exquisite."

Alex could feel her starting to pull away. She was overcome with emotion and feeling. Alex pulled her in tighter, not letting her go. She ran her hands over Liv's back, learning the scars and landscape. A few times, she heard Liv's breathing stop, but she wasn't going to stop. Not now, not again, she needed Liv to feel her love so she would understand.

Alex pulled Liv's head down to her chest and let her snuggle for a while. She knew it would calm Liv's fears to hear her heart beat, to feel her chest, to know she was alive. She smiled when she felt Liv stirring beneath her. She gasped when she felt Liv's mouth close over one of her highly sensitive nipples. She wasn't upset by it, just surprised at Liv's boldness.

Alex rubbed her back as Liv continued to suckle. She suppressed moan after moan willing her body not to move as Liv found comfort in her body. Evidently it wasn't the response that Liv wanted. She bit Alex's nipple as was rewarded with a loud moan.

Liv's hands immediately went to both of Alex's breasts. She squeezed them before moving to Alex's pink nipples. She didn't want to break contact with Alex, again. She eased Alex back onto her back and continued to be please herself with Alex's breasts and nipples. Alex could see the darkness of Liv's eyes as she descended to suck on a nipple then the other. She noted how black they were through Liv's hooded eyelids and lashes. Alex moaned as Liv expertly worshipped her bosom.

Liv couldn't still her hands after Alex's moan. She had to feel all of Alex; the need was too great to deny. She sucked hard on one of Alex's nipples causing Alex to arch up further into Liv's arms. Liv took the opportunity to run her hands down Alex's back to her butt. Liv cracked.

She wanted Alex so bad and so did Julie. She ripped the underwear off Alex's body roughly. Alex sighed.

When Alex hadn't pulled away, Liv continued to touch her…all of her. She kneeled around Alex's narrow hips and drunk in the sight of the achingly beautiful blonde below her. Alex reached up, almost beckoning Liv back to her, and touched her breasts. Alex smiled at the contrast between their skin.

"The light and the dark…"

"You have no idea how right you are," Liv replied.

Alex reached up and cupped Liv's face. Her eyes shown bright with Love. Slowly, she coaxed Liv back down to her lips. She kissed Liv fully, willing Liv's demons away. Alex knew she had succeeded when Liv's tongue broke through. She ceded control of the kiss to Liv, giving her the reins to their love making.

Liv moaned from Alex's luscious mouth, drunk on passion, to the column of her throat. Alex put her hands on Liv's back enjoying the feel of her corded musculature moving as Liv loved on her. When Olivia found the pulse point at the base of Alex's throat and sucked it, Alex's hands snuck lower to Liv's backside and cupped it. Liv moaned. Not wanting to break contact or stop Alex's hands on her, Liv reached between them and undid the button and fly to her slacks. Alex felt the cloth give and shoved her hands inside and under the cloth of Liv's boy shorts. Liv came up for air, enjoying the sensation of Alex's hands on her ass.

"Alexandra…" she moaned.

Alex noted the raw need in Liv's voice. She dug her nails into Liv's sensitive flesh wanting more. Liv's eyes snapped shut, hiding the usual warm chocolate brown from Alex's gaze. When she opened her eyes, Alex saw that they were black as coal.

"Want…"

"Yes, Liv, a million times yes…"

"Fuck…" Liv breathed.

Alex was amazed at Liv's language but was completely distracted by her hands. Liv grabbed Alex by the hips, holding her to the bed, as she descended to Alex's core. Liv heard her breath hitch as she was face to face with Alex's exposed need. She couldn't contain the want, the need, the desire, (and Julie) anymore. Liv buried herself into Alex's folds with her tongue.

"Oh, Liv! Yes! So Good!"

Julie flinched as Alex called out for Liv. Liv screamed out in triumph in her head at the sound of her name on Alex's lips. Julie and Liv would continue to battle but they were both getting what they wanted: Alex.

"More, Liv, more."

Liv slowly brought a hand down from Alex's bucking hips to her center. Alex was bucking wildly beneath her and her hands weren't doing much to keep Alex in one place. Liv gave up trying. She instead sucked in that sensitive bundle of nerves as one hand cupped Alex's ass and the other found its way into her core. Alex screamed.

"O-Liv-via!"

It was pure bliss to Liv's ears. She entered another finger into Alex. Holding her close so she could continue, Liv moaned around the need. The vibrations coupled with Liv's knowing fingers drew out the most carnal and feral sounds from Alex.

"Come for me," Liv pleaded, needing to feel her let go.

"Liv, yes. Yes. Yes! YES!"

Olivia felt Alex's body contract around her fingers as a new flood of warmth filled her mouth. Liv welcomed it, graciously. She continued to lap of Alex's center until Alex's hands grabbed her by the ears.

"Stop. No more…I can't…come here."

Liv obliged, moved up from Alex's core to her side. However, she left her hand cupping Alex. Liv had gotten what she wanted but she wasn't willing to let go.

"Mine," Olivia told her, cupping her again.

Alex's eyes flew to Liv's. She watched as Liv's darkened eyes returned to brown. She could feel a slight tension building in Olivia.

"Always," Alex answered, trying to soothe Liv's mood.

Liv smiled and buried herself in Alex's side. She rested her head on Alex's shoulder, but she never removed her hand. Alex could feel herself calming and she could feel Olivia, calming beside her. Liv twitched her fingers and Alex gasped at the new desire building there.

"Olivia?"

"Sorry…"

"Don't be. I want you. Will you let me?"

"Alex…"

"Liv, you've loved me. Let me love you. Let me show you how much I love you."

"Alex –"

Alex cut her off with a kiss. Alex surprised not only herself but Liv as well as she rolled them over. She sat up, grabbed Liv's pants and boy shorts, pulled them from Liv's body and was back on top of Olivia before she could protest. Alex touched the Koi fish tableau and burned her gaze into Liv's eyes.

"We're together, now…like we've wanted for so long."

Alex could see the tears forming. She knew that Liv's body told the tell of her undercover operation with its scars and tattoos. She would ask about them later, but now she wanted Liv to forget the past. She only wanted her to think about the here and now, how their bodies fit together so well, how their love would help them deal with everything.

"Alex, I love you."

Alex knew then not matter what happened. They would be okay. She would tell Olivia she loved her every day.

"Oh, Olivia, I love you, too," Alex replied.

Olivia hugged her close to her, as tears began to fall.

"Liv?"

"I'm okay. Just hold me tonight. Please just hold me."

Alex wouldn't tell her "no." She gathered Liv into her arms and buried Liv's head into her neck. She felt Liv slowly melt and relax. She smiled into Liv's shaggy hair. She kissed Liv's head as she heard Liv's breathing slow and become regular with sleep. Alex smiled, realizing that Olivia finally trusted her enough to let go emotionally and sleep in her arms. Alex fell asleep smiling for the first time in a long time.

* * *

Alex woke the next morning alone. She wasn't surprise, but she was a little hurt. She had hoped to wake in Liv's arms. She had wanted to tell Liv that she loved her as soon as they both woke. She could only hope that Olivia didn't regret the night before.

Alex got out of the bed, grabbed her Harvard Law t-shirt and some yoga pants, dressing quickly and headed to the kitchen. She was happy to see that Liv had already made a pot of coffee. She poured a cup and drained it, trying to prepare herself for the aftermath that might occur. She turned to find the bathroom door closed. She angled her head in question as she studied the door. It was slightly cracked and she could see the light coming around it.

Alex walked over to the door. She reached out to push it open when she heard Olivia talking to someone in the bathroom. She didn't know if Liv was on the phone but she could tell that she was arguing with someone named Julie. Alex stilled her hand for a second before she realized who Julie was and what the argument was about. She forced the door open, surprising Liv.

"Alex?!"

"Yes, it's me."

"Did I wake you?"

"No, I smelled the coffee," she lied, holding up her cup.

"Oh," Liv replied.

"Olivia?"

"Yeah?"

"Am I really talking to you?" Alex asked, pulling Liv out of the bathroom and to the kitchen table.

"I don't know what you mean."

"Of course you do. Olivia, talk to me. Tell me about her," Alex demanded, making another cup of coffee and handing it to Olivia.

"About Frankie?" Olivia asked, taking the mug of coffee that Alex offered her.

"No, about Julie," Alex said, sitting down across from her at the table.

Olivia looked up in horror. She was speechless. She didn't know what to say. She didn't know how to explain it to Alex. She held on to the cup of coffee, willing the moment to pass.

"I am a lawyer, Liv. I am not going to stop questioning. Tell me about her," Alex explained.

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because, I can't."

"Olivia, it's me. I told you I love you and mean it. How can I help you when you won't let me?"

"I don't need your help," Liv spat back.

"Hello, Julie," Alex replied, hoping she was right.

"Hello, Alexandra. I have to say that you look ravishing this morning. Sleep well?"

"I did, in fact. Thank you for asking, but I know that you already knew the answer. You knew because you were there with us last night, weren't you?"

"Yes," Julie answered.

"Did you like it?"

"Absolutely."

"Did Liv?"

"Yeah, she did."

"Then, why are you arguing with her about it?" Alex asked.

"Because we are the same, but we aren't. I'm pure passion and she is restrained constraint. We work well together, but she is afraid of me."

"I am not."

"Why not?"

"Because, you are part of Olivia. I know that Olivia loves me and I love her. You may be like Jekyll and Hyde, but I know that you love me in your own way."

"How do you know that?" Julie questioned skeptically.

"Because of the tattoo."

"Explain, please."

"Olivia would get a tattoo for undercover, I know this. She would accept the role that she was given but there had to be something just under the surface to help her. She has always drawn from her own life for every sting and situation that she's put her self in. I know that Olivia is a caring, loving person, so I am assuming that you are as well," Alex told her.

"You shouldn't assume, Counselor."

"No, but I know what you did for Frankie. I know that you begged for them to beat you instead of her. I know that you were the one taking the pain so Liv didn't have to as you both were protecting Frankie. So, tell me now, Julie, can Olivia find peace?"

"That is entirely up to her."

"Not really."

"How do you mean?"

"Well, Julie, you have decided to become part of her psyche. You manifest yourself in stressful situations so Olivia doesn't have to. I don't think that is healthy for Liv. I think that she needs to learn to deal with it on her own. How else can she cope and move on?" Alex asked.

"The same way we did when Mom drank and got angry," Julie answered.

"And, what was that?" Alex questioned, noting the tears in both their eyes.

"We dealt with it head on and found somewhere to go."

"Is that what Liv needs now? Does she need somewhere to go? Does she need me to let her go?" Alex inquired, choking on the last question.

Tears streamed down both of their faces. Alex stared at Liv's eyes, trying to gauge the shift between the personalities, realizing that she had known for years. It was now that she a name for the anger and passion that Liv reserved all those years.

"No," Liv whispered, "I don't want to leave you."

"Then, don't. Tell me what you need. Tell me everything. Don't be scared of me. Love me, Olivia, and let me love you back," Alex pleaded, taking her hand and holding it across the table.

"I do."

"Then, let me in. Don't hide behind the job anymore. You can't shield me from the past, the operation or the horrors that come with it. Let me help you fight your demons. Let me be there for you. Let me keep the demons at bay, Sweetheart."

"You do. Every day. I'm sorry for…her."

"Don't be. Liv, I know that you had to become someone else while you were undercover. I know that part of that personality bled over from you and into you. I understand that. I am one of the few who can understand it. I know what it is like to pretend to be someone you aren't, to see things that you so desperately want to fix, but can't because you aren't you anymore. I know because Emily knows, too," Alex told her.

"Emily?"

"Yes, Emily. That is who I was in Wisconsin while I was in Wit Sec. Emily was me, but she wasn't. I couldn't stop thinking like a lawyer, so sometimes Emily would have to put Alex in the corner and run things. I am sure that is what you do, too, isn't it, Julie?"

"Yes, it is."

"But, you love me because Olivia loves me."

"Yeah, I guess you're right."

"Then, I love you both."

"What?"

"If you are part of Olivia, and Olivia is part of you and you both love me, then I must love you as well. I love Liv, so I must love you because you are part of her. You don't scare me. You have nothing to fear from me. I just want to love Liv."

"That is all I want, too," Liv told her, straightening herself.

"There is nothing that we can't do together."

"I know that."

"You don't have to become Julie to tell me anything. I felt you last night. You, Olivia, not some conjuring, just you. If you're scared, be scared. Don't bottle up your emotions anymore. Come back to me and be with me."

"You don't know what you are asking," Liv warned her.

"But, I do. I am asking you to love me. I am asking you to trust me."

Olivia sighed. She squeezed Alex's hand and then brought it to her lips to kiss it. She felt her body relax. She felt herself become whole again for a while.

"Huang wants you to come to a session with me."

"Then, I'll go."

"You will hear things…"

"Things that I need to know in order to help you," Alex said.

"Why? What have I ever done to deserve you? I don't understand…it…at all."

"What is there to understand about love? All we can do is accept it, take it all in and be part of it or let it destroy us. I choose to be with you. I can only hope that you choose to be with me."

"I do. By God, woman, I do. I could care less about anything else right now, but you."

"What time is your appointment?"

"Two o'clock," Liv stated.

"Then we have time."

"Time for what? Don't you have briefings to go to? What are you talking about?"

"Not today, Liv. Today, I'm with you, all day. And, right now, we have time to prove to you how much I think you deserve me. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a great need to be naked with you. I want to show you how much you mean to me," Alex stated, standing, still holding Liv's hands, as she started towards the bedrooms.

"But, Alex, you don't have to do this."

"I know that. I am definitely not doing this because I have to, but because I want to make love to you. I couldn't last night, because, well, you loved me so thoroughly. But, I am rested and I plan on hearing you scream my name. That is if you'll allow me."

"Damn it, Alex. You can't say things like that to me. I don't know what…"

"Stop thinking about it. Let go, Olivia. Let passion rule, for once, and see what it will bring you. I'm not going to love you and leave you. No, I have plans for you, lots of plans."

Alex watched her eyes darken. She giggled when Olivia picked her up and carried her to Olivia's bedroom instead of her own. She smiled as Liv kissed her, hard, crushingly hard. She hoped that Julie/Olivia was ready because she wasn't going to stop until Liv begged her to. Too many years of pent up passion were breaking thru and Olivia could feel it as well.

"Alex…"

"Shut up and kiss me," she demanded.

"Ah, Hell. Fuck it. I love you," Olivia answered, kissing her again.


	19. Chapter 18- Session

**Chapter Eighteen - Session**

Huang watched them with curiosity. There was an easiness between them that he knew hadn't been there before. He wondered what transpired between them. He knew it had to have been monumental for Liv to have that look in her eye.

"Come in, Liv. We'll start with you. Thank you for coming, Alex. We'll be a few minutes. You have time to go to the café for a coffee if you'd like," Huang told them.

Alex nodded in response as she took a seat. Huang noticed the longing look that Olivia gave her. He also noticed the reassurance Alex conveyed back. Olivia smiled at Huang as she went into his office. She sat on the couch and waited.

"You look betted today," he stated.

"I feel…better."

"I see you asked Alex to come. Can I ask what prompted that? Did you ask her?"

"I didn't ask. I mentioned that you wanted to see us both. She agreed that it might help me cope and offered to come with me today," Liv answered.

"So what happened between you two for that to happen?"

"She met Julie," Liv answered, quietly, the shame evident.

"She met Julie? Let's talk about that, then. Why did she meet Julie?"

"Because I couldn't stop it."

"Stop what?"

"Julie."

"Why did you want to stop Julie?"

"I was afraid that she would hurt Alex. I wouldn't be able to bear it if she did. I know that Julie is part of me, but she is my wild side. I didn't want to hurt Alex and I was afraid that I would have if I was Julie," Liv explained.

"But you didn't hurt her, did you?"

"No, we didn't."

"Did Alex talk to Julie?"

"Yes, well, she talked to both of us."

"Did that scare you?"

"Yes, it terrified me. I was sure that Alex would leave me. Julie is just so…"

"Emotional?"

"Yes, but it's unrestrained. I'm afraid I'll lost control. I don't want to hurt anyone."

"Have you lost control before?" he asked.

"Yes…"

"Tell me about it."

"It was with Frankie and D.J. We were at the bar discussing another trade run. I was getting frustrated with the entire operation. I felt like the FBI wasn't moving fast enough and I was on my own. The only thing keeping me there was Frankie. I was afraid for her. D.J. and Robin weren't happy about the pregnancy. She couldn't haul for them anymore. That was how I got in. I offered to make the run for her. D.J. agreed immediately because he needed to move the merchandise. Robin was harder to convince. She wanted to test me. She didn't buy me as big bad butch biker. Hell, some days, I didn't either," Liv explained.

"What happened?"

"D.J. and I were making route plans to Memphis through Knoxville. I told him I was fine. I would take one of the work trucks from Seabrook to haul the load. I drove one most of the time to the bar when I wasn't on my bike. He liked the idea. Robin just wanted to beat on me. She was angry that Frankie had chosen me, I guess," Olivia stated.

"Did she tell you that? Or, was it something she did? What was it about Robin?"

"She was just evil. She made her hatred of me known anytime I was near her. It was especially worse when Frankie was with me. She was down right nasty when she found out that Frankie was pregnant. D.J. seemed happy after a while. Robin never came around. She did everything that she could to discredit me with Frankie and with D.J."

"Do you think that she was jealous?" Huang asked.

"Extremely. I had everything that she wanted and didn't have. I had her former lover. I had her brother's ear. I had gained position in the gang quickly. Every test she gave me, I passed."

"You mean Julie passed."

"Yeah, well, Julie is me, right?"

"Do you think that is part of the reason Julie scares you?"

"How do you mean?" Olivia asked.

"You had to prove yourself constantly to Robin. Do you think that the constant pressure from Robin, coupled with the beatings, made Julie more prevalent in your psyche? Do you think that she became a coping mechanisms for you? She did things you didn't feel comfortable doing as Olivia the Detective, but she could do them as Julie the Biker," Huang examined.

"Yeah, I guess. That makes the most sense, but then again it doesn't. But, yeah, you're right. I am scare of her because she does things that I normally wouldn't as a way for me to cope."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because of what Alex told me last night," Liv answered.

"Which was?"

"She'd seen Julie before even though she didn't have a name for it."

"Can you elaborate of do you want her to when I talk with her?"

"She'll tell you the same thing I will, Huang."

"Which is?" George questioned.

"Julie cares for her as much as I do. She would do anything Alex asked her to do. She wouldn't need reason, just emotion. I think reasonably and Julie thinks emotionally. Alex knows that. She's told me she's seen it before."

"When?"

"During an interrogation or investigation, especially the ones with kids," Liv answered.

"So, you're saying that Julie has always been part of you."

"In a sense, yeah, she has."

"What happened during your op that caused Julie to become dominate?"

"I left because I was emotional. I did the op to hide from my emotions. Julie was my cover, but she became 'real' in Atlanta. She became everything I couldn't so we would be successful in the op. She took over and silenced the detective. She became the accomplice and she was damn good at it," Liv explained.

"She became the operative and your escape."

"Yeah, she did," Liv replied, shifting on the couch, "She responded to Frankie when I couldn't or wouldn't. She helped me survive."

"Care to explain that statement, Detective?" Huang asked.

"I went undercover for all the wrong reasons. I was running. I needed a real quick change. I didn't want to deal emotionally. I took the job to get out of New York. I didn't care what happened to me or if the case succeeded. I just wanted to get away from my pain."

"Because Elliot retired and Alex was back in the Congo?"

"Yes."

"So, Julie took over when Frankie came into the picture and Olivia took a break?"

"Essentially."

"And, not, Julie doesn't want to go away?"

"Exactly."

"But, why would she? You said so yourself that she has always been part of you. Now you want to bottle her back up and she is resisting. Does she know something that you are unwilling to share? What aren't you telling me, Olivia?"

"I don't know," Liv replied.

"Don't you, though? Why are you so scared of your emotions, Olivia? It is because of your upbringing? Are you afraid you'll do something horrendous because of your parents?

"Yes," Liv answered, quietly.

"Have you crossed that line?"

"No."

"But, you're afraid you could?"

"Yes," Liv replied, with the tears forming.

"Why now more so than the past?"

"Because of Alex"

"Why Alex?"

"Because she loves me back. She doesn't care about what happened in Atlanta. She loves me…she actually loves me. There is no question, no reasoning, just emotion with her. I could lose myself in her. Her love is so pure, a love I don't understand. I'm afraid to love that much. I'm afraid of what I'll become if I do," Liv stated

"Emotions are part of the human condition. Being afraid of them is like being afraid to breathe. It does no good," Huang responded.

"I know that, now."

"But, you are still scared?"

"I'm scared I'll get emotional and lose Alex," Liv stated.

"Is that rational to you?"

"Some how, yes."

"Why?"

"Because I waited so long to do anything so Alex would know how I felt. I'm afraid of losing her now that I have her. It would break me. I don't think that I would come back from that."

"You love her," Huang said.

"More than anything, except for Xander."

"That is understandable. But, does Julie feel the same way? For Xander, too?"

"She would die for them."

"And, you? Would you die for them? If you had to, would sacrifice yourself for them?"

"Of course," Liv answered, getting slightly agitated.

"So Julie is just as fiercely loyal as Olivia."

"We are one in the same."

"So you realize that you have to let both your emotions and reason rule your thoughts?"

"We are the same person. We are the same. We are me."

"Exactly, Olivia. She was part of you before you went undercover, but you kept her suppressed except when it was necessary. Your rational side needed a mental break. She stepped up. She isn't going to go quietly and I suspect that you don't want her to, either."

"No, I really don't."

"Why is that?"

"Because she is a monster in bed," Olivia replied, blushing.

"You mean during love making?"

"Yes," Liv answered sheepishly.

"There is nothing wrong with that."

Olivia stared at him. She wasn't sure if they had come up with some sort of break thru or if she had just admitted to Huang that she slept with Alex. Huang gave her a knowing smile and she wanted to shrink into the couch and become as small as she could.

"Do you think that next time we could talk about the case?"

"Yeah."

"Do you feel more comfortable with Julie, now?"

"Yeah, I do. I think that we can live as one person. We both want the same thing. We were both just going about getting it in different ways. I know now that if we work together as Olivia we are more likely to succeed in our endeavors."

"Does that mean that Julie will disappear?"

"I doubt it. She may actually teach me a thing or two. It might even help me with my cases."

"Have you thought about going back to New York, again?"

"Yes and no."

"Meaning?"

"I want to go back with Alex and Xander. I want to raise him properly. I don't think that I could be a detective and do that. I miss New York. I don't miss the crime, though. No offense, but this place is too slow," Liv told him.

"I understand that. Try Oklahoma. It's slower."

They both laughed. Huang was happy. Olivia was becoming the detective that he'd met years ago. She was regaining her emotional strength. She was realizing that Julie, her emotional side, was tied to her rational side and that is what made her a good detective. He realized that her brain created Julie for an escape. She was just to help Olivia deal with the emotional avalanche. Liv was still trying to be a detective and not admit that she was upset. She made Julie to help her to do that. She had someone to blame for her emotional state that way. The only problem was that something happened in Atlanta, something that Huang had to find out about to figure out what made Julie suppress the rational side for survival.

"We'll stop there today. I would like to talk to Alex, now. You could go to the canteen and get something if you want or just stay outside reading old magazines. I don't know how long this is going to take. I want you to be comfortable, though," he told her.

"That would be nice."

"What would?" Huang questioned, confused.

"Being comfortable, again."

* * *

"Thank you for coming, Alex. I know that it means a lot for Olivia, even if she doesn't admit it. She seems happier today. You wouldn't happen to know why would you?"

"I might, but I don't think that it is relevant to whatever it is that you want to discuss."

"Always the premier lawyer, I see. I guess you argued your case for Olivia and she saw the point you were making. She told me that you addressed Julie."

"I did."

"Did you think it wise to give that aspect of her personality gratification?"

"If you mean, did I think it prudent to address Julie as a separate side of Olivia? I did. It was the only way that Olivia as a whole would understand that I love her and that I am here for her. Julie needed to know that she could trust me as Olivia did. Olivia needed to know that Julie wasn't going to hurt me. I know that she is afraid of that."

"That was a very brave thing to do. Sometimes agents can't come back from their new personalities. It becomes a drug, a pleasurable experience. They can't be happy unless they are their alter personality. I am not sure that Olivia is happy either way. She wants to be whole and we have to figure out how to make that happen," Huang told her.

"I understand that. I agree with that. I just know that I can't do it for her. She has to make the decision and I have to support her. That is what I told her. I told her that I would support her no matter what. I love her, George. I am not going to leave her this time at the first sign of trouble. I am in this for the long haul. She knows this."

"That is good. For both of you. I know that you have a unique understanding to what she is going through. I am just wondering if you acknowledging Julie is the right thing to do."

"It is no worse than someone calling me 'Emily.' It was a part I played while I was in Wit Sec. Emily was me, but then again she wasn't. Julie is Olivia, but she isn't the detective. She is a coping mechanism that developed over time and was unleashed in Atlanta. We can't just bottle it back up and hope that Olivia be her old self again. I know that isn't going happen. She was trying too hard to do that and she nearly broke in two," Alex told him.

"So, you're telling me that Olivia gave Julie more precedence because she was trying to turn back into her old self again?"

"Yes, and of course, her emotional side rebelled. She has been suppressing her emotional side for so long because she thought it made her look weak. She needs to know that being emotional isn't weak that is a brave thing, a good thing, a respectable thing. She needs to be told that every day. Just like I tell her that I love her every morning, she needs to know that we all stand behind her and what she is doing to come home back to us," Alex told him.

"You are right. I just don't want Julie to become a permanent escape for her. She needs to learn to embrace that side of herself and realize that she isn't going to hurt anyone. She is afraid to be emotional beyond what she perceives is allowed."

"She is afraid of becoming her parents."

"Exactly," George agreed.

"But, she has us."

"We both know this. I think that Olivia is scare to believe it. She is so used to be on her own and dealing with things that way. She has to learn to trust others and believe that they aren't going to hurt her. I need her to tell me what happened between her and Robin. It is the only way that I can make a true assessment of what needs to be done for her mentally."

"Do you want me to stay? Do you think it will help? I don't want her to crack. I just want Olivia back. I want her to know that she doesn't have to be scared to be emotional with me."

"It might. Do you think that you will be able to handle it? I don't want you to get upset by what you might hear. I am sure that Olivia has done things that she isn't proud of. I am sure that some of it was illegal, but necessary for the case. Alex, I need you to not be a lawyer for her. I need you to be a friend, a confidant, and her lover. Alex, I need you not to be you for a while."

"I think I can handle that for Olivia. You must know, George, I would do anything for Olivia. She has done so much for me. I owe her. If she'll let me, I will do anything," Alex said.

* * *

"Olivia, you are making great progress. You are realizing that Julie is a part of you and that you don't have to be afraid of her. You are taking the courageous steps to merge with that side of yourself again. Alex wants to help you. She trusts you. I trust you. But do you trust yourself?" Huang asked, handing her a cup of coffee as she sat back on his couch next to Alex.

"I want to, but I'm not sure I can."

Alex reached over and took Olivia's hand. She gave it a squeeze. She watched Olivia's eyes darken and lighten just as quickly. Olivia nodded at Alex. Alex watched the emotions flow over Olivia.

"What do you want to know?" Olivia finally asked.

"You told me earlier about Robin. You told me that she was bane of your existence in Atlanta. What was specifically that made her the monster you went after?" George asked her.

"She threatened Frankie's child."

Alex gasped. Olivia's eyes darkened again. The raw emotion of her hatred for Robin showed on her face. Olivia stared at Alex. She turned to face Alex, needing her to ground her to present.

"D.J. and I were planning a trip. He needed to move the guns and quickly. He had gotten a tip that the Feds were on to him. He figured that someone in the gang had tipped them off for a price, but he figured it was on his end. He couldn't believe that his sister's butch bikers would do anything against him. He didn't think that we had it in us. He didn't want to believe it because all the bikers in the gang had been picked by himself and Robin."

"But, I thought that Robin hated you?" Alex stated.

"She didn't at first. I think that she had her sights on me. Besides her jealousy for the relationship that I had with Frankie, I think that she thought she should have rights to me. Most of the new recruits in the gang were former lovers of Robin. I was one of the few that didn't become one of her playthings. I wasn't selected by Robin. I was handpicked by D.J."

"D.J. selected you? What did you do that made him do that? How were you selected?"

"I walked into Dominique's one afternoon. I was dressed in a black wife beater, some nice black leather cowboy boots and black jeans. I was the perfect butch. Robin was perfectly salivating over me. I strutted in and acted like I owned the place. D.J. was dancing behind the bar. He decided to give me an offer."

"What kind of offer?" Huang asked.

"He gave me a new bike. It was beautiful. A matte bike Softail Harley Davidson, it would be a gift if I would ride for him. It was a test to see if I try. He was interested to see who I was. He wanted to know what I could do for him."

"So what did you do?"

"I called Russell and asked what I should do. He told me that I needed to get in. It didn't matter what I had to do. I had to prove myself to get in. I understood what I had to do, but I didn't know how far I would have to go. I didn't understand what it meant for me to be in the gang."

"Didn't you?"

"I thought I did. I thought that I would just have to traffick some drugs, move some weapons, nothing major. I didn't know everything that the gang was in to. I realized very quickly neither did the FBI."

"What did you do?"

"I called Ike. He didn't help me. He didn't know what to do. So, I called Sally."

"Sally?"

"She was my extreme contact. My emergency get the hell out contact. No one knew about her but Dana and Dana was the one that put us in contact. She was the one who taught me to ride. Sally told me that she would get with Dana. I would be given some sort of instruction from her directly. I didn't know what she meant. I was following orders."

"Did Sally contact you?"

"You could say that."

"That was how you got the boots?" Alex asked.

"Yeah, I had been in Atlanta for months and nothing. I went to all the right bars. I was seen with all the right women, but nothing until that day with D.J. Robin was watching me. I guess she couldn't believe that I had something that D.J. wanted and she couldn't get."

"But, Sally brought you the boots?"

"Yeah, two days later she shows up at the bar with these biker boots for me. They were half way broke in for me and she took me out. She knew that we couldn't talk in the bar. She had some new intel for me, some instructions for me and she told me to amp up my personality some more. I needed to make myself look better to the gang. I needed to put myself out there. I needed to take the job. If I got caught, they would make it look good and get me out. As long as I didn't kill anyone, I was to do whatever it took to make the case," Liv told them.

"What did he want you to do?"

"He wanted me to ride the motorcycle to a rally. I was to trade it for one that looked just like and come back. If I could do that without losing my helmet and head, then he would a job for me. He told me that the pay would have to better than that of a landscaper. I agreed."

"Where did you go?"

"I drove to Savannah. I met a guy there named Hector Rivera. He was a contact for the cartels in Colombia and Mexico. He was looking for a new road into the U.S. Atlanta was just his first stop. His shipments to Miami were being delayed and confiscated at the airport and port. He needed something more concrete. He wanted something harder for the DEA to track. He figured that a motorcycle gang of lesbians was perfect."

"How did that work?" Alex asked.

Olivia turned to face her. Huang watched the silent change in Olivia, noting how easily she slipped into Julie's persona. Alex held her gaze and waited.

"Two bikes just a like, fake plates and small hidden compartments. Most DEA agents are looking for cars with stash pockets. How many would be looking for bikes? It was too easy."

"You made the swap?"

"The next day. When I came back to bar that night, D.J. handed me an envelope of cash. Robin looked pissed. She was sure that I would fail. D.J. was very pleased with me. He offered me a job, full time, running for him. I was to drive to wherever and switch bikes. It was easy. Robin wasn't happy. She wanted me to do something harder."

"What stopped her?"

"D.J. at first, and then Frankie."

"How did Frankie stop her?"

"It was the first time that I met Frankie. It was cold, sometime in late January. I had been a mild winter to Southern standards. It was hot to me, more like early Fall in New York. She walked in the bar and smiled. I don't know if she saw the looks that Robin had been given me or not, but she came right up to me."

"Did that startle you?" Huang asked.

"A little," Olivia stated, staring into Alex's eyes, grounding herself.

"How so?"

"She walked right in and up to me. I didn't know who she was, but she had been watching me it seems for months. D.J. watched her as well. I don't know what he was looking for, but I am sure that he found it in her eyes. She nodded at me and he gave her some sort of response. She leaned in and kissed me. I was shocked, but managed to hold my own. I didn't make it look like I was. I was impressed with myself. D.J. watched her, and he watched me. I had been careful before that to not leave with a gang member. I knew that Frankie was in the gang. I had never done anything that would make her think that I would be interested in her. I would later find out that it was test."

"A test?" Huang asked, as he watched them. He realized that Olivia was confessing to Alex.

"I passed. I didn't crack under pressure. I actually took her on the dance floor and danced. I acted like it was planned. I made a point to be provocative about it. I wanted them to think that I wanted her, that I was willing to play their game, and that I would be ready for anything. I was, but only because I was cop. They didn't know that. They thought I was a natural."

"So your training helped you in the beginning?" Huang asked.

"It was just like going undercover for a quick sting with Elliot. It was easy. Now, I think it was too easy. I fell into step too easily. I couldn't believe how easy it was to be in the gang and run the drugs and guns. It was so damn easy. I didn't know that I would be so damn good at it. And, Frankie just made things so much more fun and easier. Robin was the only problem."

"You keep telling me that, but what did Robin do? What did she do to you? What did she do to Frankie? What did she do, Olivia?" Huang asked.

"She beat her," Olivia answered as the tears poured down her face.


	20. Chapter 19- Promises

**A/N: During the last few nights in writing, I've decided that I need to break the chapters up more. This may mean it takes longer for me to get them up, but I think you will be happier with the result and you will get more story faster. I hope you've enjoyed the last few installments. Don't worry, my lovelies, there is more to come. Please read and review. Thanks, JET.**

**Chapter Nineteen - Promises**

Huang had stopped the session when Olivia broke down. He knew that it meant she was progressing. He knew that it meant that Julie was finally going to tell her story and Olivia would be able to face it head on without burying it inside. She would let the pain out. She had someone who could help her deal with all of it.

"Alex, take her to Dana's. Let her see Xander. He can help her ground herself to Julie and to Olivia. You ground her to Olivia. She needs both. She is dangerously close to slipping and splitting. She needs you to accept Xander. She wants to be with you. She is clinging to you. Give yourself over to the thought about being Xander's other mother. It would help her."

"George, I have done things already to put that into play. I haven't told her about it yet. I know that she is stressed. I think she needs a break from here. She needs to forget about the sessions and the debriefings for a while. I know that isn't what the FBI wants, but she needs to do this in her own time. If we rush it-"

"She'll break. I know. I think it is a good idea. I'll call Dana. Go see Xander. Then take her home, hold her. Tell her you love her," Huang told her.

"I will. Trust me I will. I'll talk to Dana, while we are there tonight."

"Alex, if you need to talk to someone, I'm here," Huang told her as he walked her to his door.

"I'll keep that in mind for later. Right now, I'm worried about Olivia. I have my own help. I needed someone when I got back to New York. I'll help her every way that I know how. She means everything to me, now. I am not going to let her go," Alex told him.

"Good, because she is going to need you…a lot," Huang answered.

Dana met them at the door with Xander in her arms. She smiled down at him and then at Alex and Olivia, who were hand in hand. She let them in and took them straight to the nursery that she had for him. Alex didn't say anything as she saw Abbie follow them into the nursery.

Abbie and Dana stood back as Olivia took Xander and sat in the rocker in the corner. Alex stayed close. Abbie and Dana smiled at her, but they both noted the haunted look in her eyes. Today, Alex was the one who looked more wounded.

Abbie couldn't take it. She couldn't see Alex in pain like that. She gestured with her head at Alex. Alex caught the movement but didn't make any outward movement to let anyone know that she understood. She caught Abbie's glance and finally nodded.

"I'm going to talk with Abbie. We'll be in the next room. Call me if you need me," Alex told Olivia, kissing her cheek and then she kissed Xander's head.

"Go and talk with Abbie. I'll be okay. I am going to be in here with Xander. Take your time. I need to be with Xander. I need…"

"It's okay, Liv. I understand. Take your time. He'll be fine. You'll be fine. We'll be fine."

Olivia turned her head up to kiss Alex. Alex obliged, not caring what the others thought. Olivia smiled at her, sweetly and then turned back to Xander. Alex smiled back at Liv as she followed Abbie out of the room and back into the living room.

"Spill it, Alex."

"Spill what?" Alex asked in response.

"Tell me what the Hell is bothering you so much. What happened today with Huang? What was it? Talk to me, Alex. Let me help," Abbie told her.

"I was there today with her when she finally started to open up about what happened. I thought that with all my years in SVU that I would be prepared for what happened to her. I was wrong. I was so wrong. There is just something different about it being someone you know."

"I know that."

"I just…I can't believe that she had to go through all that alone. There was no one really for her to talk to, to unleash on when she needed. I know that she had Frankie, but that wasn't the same. She couldn't tell Frankie anything about the case. She could only talk about what the gang wanted and what went on behind closed doors. They could talk to each other about the gang, because they both had that in common. I am just…"

"Angry? Pissed? Livid?"

"Yes!"

"You're allowed to be, Alex. Lord knows that you love that woman, we all knew it. Y'all have finally gotten together and now you are learning about everything that she went through. Part of you wants to go to Atlanta and hurt them for hurting her. Part of you wants to try the case yourself so you can make sure they are punished. But, most of all, you are upset that you weren't there for her when she needed you. That is what is tearing you up inside," Abbie said.

"YES!"

"It's okay, Alex. Be angry. It will help you both. She needs to know that you are angry, too. She needs you to be there for her, as well. I know that this is going to tear you up inside. I think you need to get away. Take Olivia away from here. Let her mind think without the FBI up her ass all the time."

"I told Huang the same thing."

"See? I told you that great minds think alike. I know what you need to do. Take her to Caboton at the Cape. She would love it. You could wine and dine her. Take her out, show her off."

"Yeah, because that is what she needs now," Alex replied.

"No, seriously, take her to the Cape. Go and relax. Don't think about the past and everything that happened. Go and plan the future, your future together," Abbie told her.

"I don't think that Dana will let her go," Alex said.

"Don't be so sure about that, Sugar," Dana stated, joining them.

"Dana!?"

"Calm down, Missy. I could see the look in both your eyes when you came over this afternoon. I've that same haunted look in her eyes for weeks. It was different today, when I opened the door and saw it in yours. Huang can only tell me so much, you know? I know that she might disclose to you without meaning to do it, but Alex, I need you to be able to tell me what she can't. Can you do that?" Dana asked her.

"I will. I know that she trusts me. I think it might help her to tell me things. Can I be there for the rest of her debriefings?" Alex questioned.

"I think that it would be a good idea, Dana. Alex had made more headway with Olivia in the last forty-eight hours than anyone has in months. They have a connection. She trusts Alex. They know each other. They know when the other is lying. She could help us move the case along," Abbie stated.

"I agree. I wanted you to be there anyway, Alex. Remember that there may be international laws that were broken. I asked you here for two reasons. I needed an ICC DA and Olivia needed you. I am not going to let these people walk. Having Cabot and Carmichael in my corner helps me make sure that won't happen. I don't care what we have to do to get Olivia to talk about what happened. She did disclose a lot of it to Russell and Ike, but it was the situations toward the end when she couldn't get to anyone to tell them what was going on, that I am really worried about. She didn't have anyone to tell, then, but she has you…now."

"I know that. I am not going to let her do this alone, anymore. I love her, Dana. She's been through so much as it is. She needs to know that we are all here for her. She needs to know that we want the same thing that she does," Alex stated.

"Yeah, and what's that Alex?" Abbie asked.

"Justice for Frankie."

Alex was in the apartment, packing. Olivia sat on the end of the bed. She looked wounded and defeated. Alex's heart was breaking at the haunted look in her eyes.

Alex stopped packing. She turned Olivia's face up towards her own with her fingers. Olivia stared into Alex's eyes looking for something. Alex could see the hope in her eyes and the pain.

"Don't worry, Liv. I am not leaving you. You're coming with me," Alex told her.

Alex saw the light come back into the Olivia's eyes. She kept Liv's face tilted towards hers as she leaned down and kissed her. Olivia sighed into the kiss, happy for the contact. She had felt like she was drowning, again. Alex had become her buoy of strength always leading her home.

"Where are we going?"

"To a beach house at Cape Cod," Alex told her.

"Dana is letting me go?"

"Huang talked to her. He actually ordered it for your mental state. Everyone agrees that you need a break. It is just for the weekend, maybe longer, but we'll see."

"You are supposed to tell them if I tell you anything, aren't you?" Liv asked.

"Yes. Is that okay? I don't want to lie to you," Alex replied.

"I don't want you to. I just needed to know. I…Alex, I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"Everything."

"Olivia, you have nothing to apologize for. You are doing great. We all know that you had a hard time. No one knows exactly what happened in those last two weeks but you. You have to face it, so we can get justice for Frankie," Alex told her.

"Why are you being so good to me?" Olivia asked, crying.

"Because I love you, Olivia. I'm doing it for you. I know that you would do it for me. I want you to want to come back to New York with me. I want you to want me. I want you to love me. I know that the only way I can get what I want is to help you get what you need," Alex told her.

"I love you, Alexandra."

"I love you, too."

"I'm going to miss Xander," Liv stated, quietly.

"No, you won't. Dana and I agreed that it would be good for him to come with us. You need to be around him more. He needs to know that you are his mother. You are his mother, now."

"I know. I am just glad that I have you to help me. Alex, I think that I would be lost without you, right now. I would have ceased to exist. I would have become Julie, completely."

"I don't think you would. You just needed someone to help you back. You told me once that you loved me. I knew you meant every word. I couldn't fail you now. I wasn't going to let you fail. You, Olivia Benson, mean everything to me. I am not going to let you walk away, again. I lost you when I left for Wit Sec."

"No, I lost you."

"Shut up and listen. I've got to tell you this. You need to know this before we go."

"Okay?"

"We lost each other that night. Then we found each other again in that hotel room before I testified. I was too much of a chicken shit to say anything to you, and then I left. I was scared not only of dying, but of you. I was afraid that if I stayed, I would be putting you in danger. When I came back, I decided that it would be best that we weren't together. I didn't want the emotional attachment after everything that I had gone through in Wit Sec as Emily and then as Valerie when I was in Phoenix. We had both changed. Our goals had changed. We weren't the same people anymore. I could see it, no matter how much I didn't want to admit, so I hid in the DA's office as a bureau chief. It was too easy. Then Jack sent me to Albany for appeals because my talents were being wasted," Alex told her.

"But, then he sent you back?"

"Yeah, he had to. Numbers and Paxton, it was all politics. But, I begged for it. I clawed my way out of appeals because I realized that I needed to see you. I had to be near you. That, I loved you," Alex stated.

"Well, you had a funny way of showing it, Counselor."

"I know. I went to the Congo. I felt like I had to do it. I was compelled. I was drawn. I hated leaving you, but we weren't any closer to admitting to ourselves how we felt about each other. We were still fighting it, because of…God knows why. It doesn't matter now. I came back and I didn't tell you, because I knew about Elliot. I knew you'd be angry and to be honest I didn't want to deal with that. I wasn't sure that you still cared for me. I was being selfish.

"Then, before I can get the courage up to tell you that I am back, that I want to be with you, that I love you, Dana walked into my office and gave me that letter. I read it a thousand times. Each time, I cried. Then, after a few months, I smiled. All because you told me that you loved me. I knew that you felt the same way. I was overjoyed. I was silently biding my time, waiting for you to come back home, and then I was going to take you out and tell you. I had an evening all planned out," Alex said, still holding her face.

"What happened?"

"I walked into the 1-6 to talk to Cragen about a case we were working and I saw Dana in his office. My heart sank. My world was shattering and that wasn't a damn thing that I could do to stop. I thought that I had lost you. I thought that you were gone. I thought that I would never be able to tell you how much I love you. That you had died never knowing," Alex said, the tears forming in her eyes, but not falling.

"I'm so sorry, Alex…"

"Then, Dana got the call in Cragen's office. You were alive. You were okay. I wanted to kiss her on the mouth in celebration. She must have known. She told me to come with her, here, to be with you. She couldn't have stopped me after that. I was already on the phone with the ICC and the DA's office. She was getting me clearances thru the appropriate channels. The following Tuesday, I was on a flight to Quantico and you. I promised myself that I wasn't going to let you go this time. That nothing was going to stop us from being together."

"That is a mighty big promise to make, not knowing everything," Liv replied.

"I didn't care. I don't care. I won't care. I meant it. I am not letting you go."

"Say it again."

"I love you, Olivia Benson. I am not letting you go. Wherever you go, I go."

"I will never tire of hearing that," Olivia told her.

"I will never tire of saying it."

"I love you, Alex. Thank you. Thank you for everything," Olivia stated, grabbing her around the waist and throwing her to the bed. "You have no idea what you mean to me."

"Oh, I think I have sufficient evidence and proof."

"Want some more?" Olivia teased.

"Always, Liv. Always from you, my love. Always."


	21. Chapter 20- Cape

**A/N: This chapter has been a little hard for me to write. It is definitely an M+ rating towards the end. There is some angst-y loving going on. If that isn't you thing, please stop reading after the second break and wait for the next chapter. As always, read, enjoy and review if you would like.**

**Chapter 20 - Cape**

Olivia watched Alex as she drove up I95 to the Cape. Alex looked so at ease as they drove. She couldn't take her eyes off of Alex. She welcomed the peace that Alex was offering. She smiled and relaxed back into the seat.

"You okay?"

"I'm fine."

"You sure you want to go there? We could go anywhere. We don't have to go to the Cape."

"No, it's fine. I've never been to the Cape. It'll be fine."

Alex took a quick glance at Olivia. She was starting to relax the further they got from Quantico. They were only about two hours in their eight and half hour trip. Xander was in the back seat, sleeping. Alex kept making quick glances back into the mirror she installed in the back windshield checking on Xander.

"He okay?" Liv asked, smiling at Alex's diligence.

"He's fine. He's still sleeping. We can stop soon. I'm sure that he'll be hungry."

"I'm sure."

"I know that you are, too."

"I could eat," Olivia replied.

"There is a nice place up here that we can go to. I'm sure you'll like it. We'll get a booth in the back and we can feed Xander there," Alex told her.

"That sounds fine. If you think that it'll be okay, then we're good. I just know that I don't want to stop in New York. Can we go around it? I am not ready for that."

"Yeah, I'll get the GPS to route around when we stop."

"Thank you."

"Olivia?"

"Yeah?" Liv asked back in response.

"You sure that you're okay."

"I'm alright. I am glad to be with you. I know that having you there with me will help me deal with anything. I'll be okay. We'll be okay," Liv told her.

Alex reached over the console and took Liv's hand in her own. Liv smiled at her as she rubbed her thumb across Alex's hand. Alex smiled back at Liv quickly and turned back to the road.

"Go to sleep, darling. We have a while until we are there. I'll wake you when we stop. You need to rest. It's okay, Liv. Take a nap," Alex told her.

"But, what about Xander?"

"He's out for now. It'll be okay. Sleep. I'll wake up, I promise."

"You're sure?" Olivia asked.

"Yes, Liv."

"I can drive later?"

"If you want, just sleep now. I know that you haven't been sleeping well. I'm fine. We're okay. I've got this. You take care of you right now. I'll take care of us," Alex stated.

"Okay, Love," Liv said, sleepily.

* * *

Olivia woke up again as Alex pulled up to the beach house at the Cape. She was amazed at the simplistic nature of the large cottage. She knew that Alex's family had money and that she was from the prestigious branch of the Maryland Cabots and political ties. This house betrayed their money. She couldn't believe how large the cottage was compared to the rest on the inlet they were at. She was amazed.

"I know, it's small," Alex stated, getting some bags from the trunk.

"It's huge," Olivia countered.

"This is nothing. You should see the house in Washington and Baltimore. This is just the vacation home. Daddy never planned for more than us to be here. He didn't like to share if he was here. His brothers and other family members always had to ask to come."

"I can see why. The view alone is worth the price. Is it…yours now?"

"I share it with my cousin Stephen, but he doesn't use it."

"Is there a staff?"

"Yes, a small one consisting of two people. They live here and only get it ready for us and clean up when we are gone. They maintain it when we are gone for long periods. They will only come if ask while we are here," Alex told her.

"So, we'll be alone?"

"All alone for the minimum of the weekend, and we can come back whenever you'd like, if you'd like to," Alex stated.

"That would be nice," Olivia started. "Forgive me, but I can see you here as a kid vacationing. After college though, I can't. This seems to scream money, which you have learned to hide. Don't get me wrong, your wealth scares me, but I know that it doesn't define you."

"I don't let it. I don't use it for gain. I only use my money when I need to or to help someone. I have learned living in Manhattan that flaunting money and family names will only get you so far. Once that would have mattered to me more than anything, now, not so much."

"What changed?" Olivia asked.

"My political ambitions…come on, let's go in and get settled."

"Was that my fault?"

"Was what your fault?" Alex asked.

"Did you give up your political ambitions for me?"

"God no. Let's just say that my priorities changed. I realized that power and money don't really mean anything. It was a hard pill to swallow, but I really didn't have a choice. My life was no longer mine. I couldn't be myself while I was in Wit Sec. I had to become something I didn't know how to be," Alex told her as they went into the cottage.

"What was that?"

"I guess you could call it: normal," Alex replied.

Olivia laughed. She couldn't think of anything more preposterous, but on some level she understood what Alex was saying. Alex could see the smile and the recognition of her statement on Liv's face. Alex just smiled back.

"I had them pull out some of my old things and put them in the nursery. Xander will be fine in there. It is right next to our room. I hope you don't mind," Alex said, leading them into what would be the master suite.

"Alex…"

"What's wrong? Did I do something wrong? I can pull the crib in here if you want."

"I think that I need to be alone. Just tonight, maybe. I need to think about what happened."

"I understand," Alex responded, obviously hurt.

"Alex…please…"

"It's fine, Liv. I understand. I don't want to crowd you."

"Damn it, Alexandra," Olivia stated.

"Don't worry about it. You stay in here. I'll go down the hall a bit to my room," Alex stated, dropping Olivia's bag on the bed and then heading down the short hall to the room that had been hers for so many years.

Alex crossed the threshold of her childhood vacation home room and just stopped. She dropped her bags where she stood. She stared at the pictures of herself growing up through the years. A ton of memories, mostly good, came flooding through her mind. Alex knew that Olivia might need some time, and she knew that she found herself again in the cottage. She could only hope for the same for Olivia.

Alex was too busy thinking about the past to hear Olivia come up behind her. She was too preoccupied with the pain of Olivia's slight rejection to notice what was going on around her. She felt like an ass to assume that Olivia would want to share her bed. She figured that she was rushing things. She wanted Olivia so much that she hadn't bothered to think about what was going on her head.

Olivia snaked her arms around Alex's middle and pulled Alex's back into her front. Alex was startled by the contact, but immediately ran her arms up over Olivia's, hold Liv in place. After a few minutes, Alex began to melt into Olivia. Olivia buried her nose into Alex's hair, sniffing the unique scent of Alex with every breath.

"Alex, I'm sorry. I don't mean to hurt you. I really don't."

"I know, Liv. I understand. I'm sorry that I just assumed that you would want to share my bed. I shouldn't have done that. I don't want to push you into anything you don't want. I am sorry, I was just being selfish," Alex explained.

"You weren't being selfish, Alex. I would love to share your bed…always have I wanted to share it, but…I need to be sure of myself before I do that. If I don't trust myself with you, how can I expect you to trust me? I need to be sure.

"I want you, Alexandra, so bad it hurts. God, woman, I would love to take you in that room and have my way with you. The other day was just a taste of what I want, have wanted and continue to want from you. Alex, I want you. I love you. You must know how bad I want to be with you. Just give me tonight, Alex. Just tonight. Let me fight whatever demons followed me here," Olivia told her.

"Talk to me, Liv. Trust me enough to tell me things. Please just tell me how you feel. Make me understand. Don't push me away. I'm here for you. I will always be here for you," Alex said.

"I'm sorry, Alex. There is just so much and all at once…I'm trying to cope with it all. Please just give me tonight. I will give you the rest of the weekend, I promise."

"If you need me, you'll come to me?" Alex asked her.

"Yes, my love, I will," Olivia answered, spinning her around and giving her a kiss.

Alex felt the emotional rift in Olivia and knew that she just needed time. She had waited this long, a little longer wouldn't slack her love for Olivia and she knew it. She was scared that Olivia would succumb to her demons, real and imaginary, without Huang being close at hand. She began to wonder if the trip was such a good idea.

Olivia kissed her again. They didn't want to let go of each other. It was their common need, each other. They both heard Xander cry from the nursery. Alex took Olivia by the hand and walked her to nursery.

Alex stood over the crib, looking down at the small blonde wonder there, and wondered what life would be like with Olivia and him. Xander stared up at them with his soft baby brown eyes. Alex melted. He had Liv's eyes, even though he wasn't her blood. Alex knew that she was lost when it came to the boy. He would have her wrapped around her finger if he could give her Liv's grin, too, and then he did.

"He has your eyes," Alex said.

"You think?"

"I do. He's beautiful, Liv. Just like his mother."

Liv gave her a smile. She reached out for Alex's hand as she touched Xander's cheek. He cooed at Liv's touch. Liv smiled down at the boy and then back at Alex.

"Liv, we all be okay. I promise. I am going to fight for us," Alex told her.

"Thank you. Thank you for everything. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for loving Xander. Thank you for being you," Olivia stated.

"Come on, Liv. He's gone back to sleep. Why don't you take a nap? I'll look to see what we have for dinner and see what we got for little man, here. You're exhausted. Don't fight me on this. You are here to rest," Alex said, taking her by the hand and leading her back down the hall.

"I am tired. But, I know I won't sleep. I can't sleep. I only see the demons when I try."

"Do you want me to lay down with you?"

"Why? So you can be miserable with me? No, you need to live your life without having to worry about me all the time. I have to do this. Alex, I have to do this my way."

"I understand that, Liv. Trust me, I do. But, just remember that I am here for you, no matter what. You can yell at me. You can scream at me. You can push me away. It is only going to make me fight harder for you, for me, for us, for Xander. You are my family," Alex replied.

Liv shook her head. She walked away from Alex and to the bed. She lay down to appease Alex, but hoped that sleep wouldn't take her. She didn't want to fight the demons, not there, not in Alex's place. It was supposed to be sacred there. It was supposed to protect. She hoped that Alex was right and she could sleep, even if it was for only a few hours.

* * *

"NO!"

Alex heard the scream and could hear the terror in Liv's voice. She was out of the kitchen and in the master suite in under three seconds. She found Liv sitting up in the bed. She was sweating and had an absolute look of horror.

"Liv?"

Olivia didn't respond. Her eyes were open but she wasn't responding to any stimuli. Alex wasn't sure what to do. She wasn't sure how to make Liv realize that she was okay and with her at the Cape and not in whatever nightmare she thought she was trapped in.

"Liv?" Alex tried again.

Olivia turned and looked at her. There was some sort of recognition, but it was distant and small. Alex actually shrank back a little in fear, wondering what Liv saw.

Before Alex could react, Olivia had Alex against the wall pinning her by both her arms. Alex continued to search for something in Olivia's eyes that would help her bring Liv back to the present. Olivia stared at her for a moment longer before she made any movement at all.

Olivia descended upon Alex's mouth with a ferocity neither of them had felt before. Olivia moaned against the softness of Alex's mouth, but didn't stop the assault. Alex wanted to push against Liv, but couldn't with the way that Liv was holding her against the wall. Olivia didn't stop her kiss even when she felt the hesitation in Alex's mouth.

She moved her hands up from Alex's hands to her shoulders. It was like Olivia needed to keep herself grounded in Alex's body. She tore herself from Alex's mouth and took to her neck and throat. While Olivia was nipping and sucking at Alex's throat, she felt Alex begin to soften. Olivia, however, didn't. She pulled at Alex's shirt but not finding it giving fast enough, ripped it from her body. The buttons and Alex's gasp didn't stop her. The need was too great. The want was too raw.

Olivia leaned back long enough to take in Alex's flesh. She sighed at the sight, but made no move to stop enjoying Alex's body. Alex watched her, afraid to stop her, while revealing in her touch. She gingerly and carefully brought a hand to the back of Olivia's head. Olivia snapped her head up and stared into Alex's eyes. She said nothing, but watched the emotions running through Alex's sapphire eyes.

Olivia didn't stop there. She tore Alex's bra from her. Alex didn't move. There was something incredibly hot about the need and the rawness that Olivia was conveying. Olivia feasted on Alex's breasts, as she roughly teased them with her hands. When the need became too great, she went for Alex's pants. They were deftly removed and tossed aside.

Alex stood before her naked and slightly bewildered. She wanted to touch Olivia too. She wanted to feel Olivia naked against her. But, she knew that in Olivia's state, she couldn't stop Olivia. She didn't want to, either.

Olivia pushed Alex back into the wall. Alex huffed a little, but didn't fuss. Olivia moved back up her body to her mouth. She ravaged it again with her mouth. Alex moaned into Olivia. Olivia took it as a sign of ascension. It was all she needed. One lone hand descended between them and found its mark in Alex's core.

Alex called out Olivia's name as she entered her. The tempo was fast and furious. Alex couldn't keep up and she tumbled over the edge as Olivia took her against the wall. She couldn't help herself. When she called out Olivia's name again, as a second wave crashed over her, Olivia stiffened. It was brief and only for a second. It was enough for Alex to feel it, even though she was lost in throes of orgasm.

"Alex, I'm…"

"Shut up, Liv and finish me on the bed," she demanded.

Olivia picked her up, carrying her like a hurt child and laid her on the bed. Alex wasn't going to let it go. Her need was now raw and not satiated. She wanted Liv and damn it, she was going to have her. Olivia studied her for a few second. It was all Alex needed. She had Olivia on her back on the bed and under her naked body.

Alex made love to her. It wasn't soft and sweet like it had been in Quantico. It was raw, furious, and hard. It was a balm for both of their needs, no matter what the need was. Olivia had been surprised by Alex's grace before, only to be ravished by the raw power of Alex's desire. Olivia had to admit to herself: she liked it both ways.


	22. Chapter 21- Recall

**A/N: Sorry for the wait. I am really torn on how I want the story to progress from here, which is why this became a difficult chapter to write. I had originally planned for it only to be around twenty chapters and we get the happily-ever after...but I am kind digging the darkness and exploring that...But I'm kinda at a stand still, now...review it and let me know what you think. I want to know what you think, darkness and then into the light, or do we go for the "Scooby-Doo" ending cause they've been through enough already. I hate not having a clear direction. Anyway, let me know what you think. Thanks -JET.**

**Chapter Twenty-One - Recall**

Olivia woke up tangled with Alex. They were both naked. She noticed the bruises and bite marks that marred Alex's perfect porcelain skin. She was disgusted with herself. She tried to move away from Alex, but Alex woke up and pulled her closer.

"Be still," Alex told her.

"Alex…"

"Liv, I swear if you get out of this bed, right now, I'll be very angry with you. The only reasons you should be getting up are either Xander needs you or you need to pee. I haven't heard Xander, so unless you have to pee, I suggest you lay back and relax."

"Alex…"

"What?" she snapped back in question.

"I marked you…"

"So?"

"I hurt you."

"Did I tell you that you hurt me?"

"Well, no, but you're bruised…"

"Damn it, Olivia. You didn't hurt me. We were rough. It was bound to happen. Don't worry about it. They will go away," Alex told her.

"But, you're neck?"

"It's called concealer. I can cover them up. Calm down," Alex stated.

"I'm sorry."

"Stop apologizing about it. You weren't alone in last night. I am just as responsible for what happened. We both wanted it. Stop blaming yourself. You got me. This is supposed to be a relaxing weekend," Alex explained.

"I know. I'm sor… I'll try to do better. I should go check on Xander."

"I'll come with you. Get dressed though. You are too good to resist, especially unwrapped and disheveled already," Alex teased.

Olivia smiled and reached for some boxers and a tank. She watched Alex get out of the bed, wrapped in the sheet. She continued to watch Alex as she dressed across the room. When she was dressed she came back to where Olivia was and held out her hand.

"Shall we go check on our son?"

Olivia smiled. Her heart was leaping. She couldn't have been happier with the way that Alex took to Xander as if he was really her own son. He did favor them both. Olivia actually began to think about them as a family when they got home.

Home. It was no longer an afterthought in Olivia's mind. She began to want the life that she had so desperately being trying to have, but fighting because of her need to be a detective. Alex was quickly becoming something that Olivia knew she needed to keep. She was finding her home.

Alex watched her while they were in the nursery. Something had changed inside Olivia. She could see it on her face. She could see it in the way she held Xander. She could feel it in the way that she held Alex's hands. Olivia was changing. She was…Alex couldn't put a name to it.

"Alex?"

"Yeah, Liv? What's wrong? Is he okay? Do I need to call a doctor?"

"No, he's fine. I need to tell you something. I need to get it out."

"Okay, should I sit down?"

"If you would like."

Alex sat in the rocking chair by the crib, watching Olivia. Olivia picked Xander up and handed him to Alex. Alex looked at her, worriedly, but took Xander and cradled him to her bosom as she rocked.

"Alex, I love you."

"I love you, too, Olivia."

"No, Alex, you don't get it. I love you. I love you so much."

"I love you."

"I love the way that you are with Xander. I was so worried how you would take to him. I know it isn't fair of me to ask you to help me with him. I know that it isn't fair for me to ask you to give me the chance that I was too cowardly to take before. But, Alexandra, will you allow me to prove worthy of your love?"

Alex stopped rocking. The usual poise that she had was gone. She wasn't prepared for Liv's declaration. Her mouth didn't exactly drop open, but it wasn't closed either.

"Alex?"

"Yes, yes. I love you. You don't have to prove yourself to me. Olivia, we will make this work. We both know we need time. We'll make it work. I want you to stop blaming yourself for the past. We can't get that time back, but we have now. Let's stop worrying about what might have been and worry about what we can have, now, together," Alex replied.

"Please," Olivia stated.

Xander started crying bringing them both back to him. Alex rocked him more and cooed, calming him back down. He smiled up at Alex and Alex smiled back down at him.

"You are so good with him," Liv stated.

"He is a good baby. He is easy to love. He reminds me of you, a lot_._"

"How so?"

"He is curious. He is always looking around, but he smiles as soon as he sees us. He knows we are the ones that are going to be caring for him. He knows that we are going to protect him. He looks at me the same way that you do, most of the time. I like that he looks at me like you do," Alex told her, "Olivia, do you want to hold him?"

"I afraid I'll break him. He is so small, still. I…he looks so much like Frankie."

"I'm sure he does. Olivia, tell me more about her. Tell me more about what happened."

"I don't want to ruin him with those stories. They are too evil, too…messy. I don't him to have to deal with what I had to deal with. I don't want him to worry about his parentage like I did."

"We will give him so much love that he won't have to question himself. Olivia, we can tell him who his parents were if he asks. He will let us know when he ready. But, I can't help you if you don't tell me what happened," Alex stated.

"Alex…"

"If you won't tell me, Olivia, maybe Julie will," Alex pushed.

Olivia stared at her. Her eyes darkened and she fell in front of Alex holding Xander. Alex noted the change in her but didn't say anything that would betray her knowledge.

"Tell me. I can't help you if you won't tell me. Just tell me," Alex said, as she stood never once breaking eye contact with Olivia. She put Xander back into the crib and took Liv by the hand, escorting her to the kitchen. She sat Liv on a stool at the counter and went to the cupboard. Alex grabbed two glasses and a bottle of wine from the refrigerator. She joined Olivia on the next stool. She poured two glasses and handed one of the glasses to Liv.

Liv took the glass but didn't drink. She watched Alex as she slowly sipped at the wine. Alex watched Liv watching her, but didn't say anything for a few minutes. Finally, she couldn't take it anymore and Alex decided to break their silence.

"Liv, talk to me. Tell me what happened. I want to help you."

"I don't know what to tell you. I don't want to talk about it. It isn't something anyone needs to hear. Can't we just let it go?"

"You can either tell me or you can me and Huang when we get back. But, unfortunately, no, we can't forget it. You still have to finish debriefing. You are going to have to tell us what happened. You are going to have to let it out before they let you go back to New York. Liv, you just need to get it out. You can't heal until you let it out. I know that first hand," Alex told her.

"There are some things that you can't heal, Alex."

"Like what? A broken heart? Time doesn't always make it better, but it does give us a scar, something that covers the wound and reminds us what happened. Do we forget? Most of the time, no, because our wounds and scars make us who we are. You are you and your wounds define you. Hiding behind them isn't going to make them go away. It is just going to make them fester and blow up later. If you let it out now, it won't be as bad later," Alex stated.

"I don't know how…"

"Yes, you do. Just let it out. Tell me what happened."

"I can't…"

"Then let Julie do it."

Olivia looked at her, worried. Her eyes darkened to black, again. Alex watched the change and knew that Julie was there now and not Olivia. She knew that would have to convince them that they were one, but right now, she needed Julie to tell what happened in Atlanta.

"What if I don't what to tell you either?"

"Julie?"

"Yes?"

"Why don't you want to tell me? What happened that was so bad that you don't want to tell me? I already know that Frankie died. I already know that you were with Frankie. What else could there be?"

"I was with Frankie. She was pregnant. She died under my watch."

"Olivia, Julie, whoever, Frankie died because of complications from birth. There was no way that anyone could have known that was how she was going to die. There was no way anyone could have predicted that. You aren't responsible for that. You had no way of knowing. Frankie died. It wasn't because you weren't there for her. You were. You fought for her. You fought for Xander. You fought for yourself. I need you to remember that. You did everything that you could for everyone involved," Alex stated.

"It wasn't enough."

"It was enough. YOU survived. Xander survived. Frankie knew that. She knew that you were going to take care of him. She knew that he was going to be okay."

"But, I don't know that. How could I know that? How does anyone know that?"

"Because of the way that you look at Xander. I don't think any mother knows that their children will be okay. They hope they will. They can only do what they can and hope for the best. Everyone has to make their own decisions. Frankie made hers and you made yours."

"But, it wasn't good enough."

"Are you not okay?"

"I am fine," Julie/Olivia answered.

"Is Xander not okay?"

"He's fine."

"Then everything worked out. Tell me what happened in the warehouse. Tell what happened before Olivia woke up and knew that Frankie was in trouble. Tell me what happened."

"Why would you want to know about that?"

"Because…you need to tell someone. I've seen the same things that you have while working at SVU. We've fought the same fight for years, together. Let me help you with this one."

"Alex, you don't know what you are asking."

"Nothing less than I would ask any victim. Tell me what happened. I can take it," Alex said.

Olivia reached out and took the glass of wine from Alex. She downed Alex's glass and then her own. She grabbed Alex's hands and held them in her lap.

"Alex, you don't know what you are asking," Liv/Julie told her.

"Don't I?"

"You don't know what it was like in the gang," Liv said.

"Then tell me. Let me in, Liv. Tell me what happened."

"It was Hell. The initiation was just a drive. That was the easy part. Dealing with the psychotic Robin was pure Hell. She had no conscience. She did whatever she wanted whenever she wanted however she wanted."

"Is that what you want?"

"No, I never want to be like her. She was unruly. There was no point to anything that she did except money, sex and to make her self happy. Don't get wrong, money and sex are good things, but I am not willing to do anything to get it. I want to earn it. I want to deserve it. She didn't. She took it and didn't care who she hurt in the process."

"Is that what happened with Frankie?"

"Yes, Robin decided that she wanted Frankie back. Frankie was pregnant and wouldn't leave me. She knew that Robin was no good for her or the baby. Robin didn't care. She pursued Frankie. It drove Frankie crazy. I finally had to say something to her. It didn't do much good. She amped up her pursuit. When she wouldn't stop on her own, I went to D. J. I hoped that he would be able to do something about it," Liv told her.

"Did he?"

"He sent her to Savannah to pick up product. It was a ride I was supposed to be in charge of, but he sent her instead. She knew that he was getting her out of town. She wasn't happy about it. He made sure that Robin was away for a while. It was enough to piss her off royally."

"What did she do when she got back?" Alex asked her.

"She came over to our apartment. She was overcome with rage. It was something that I had never seen, never experienced. The rage was consuming. She went after Frankie. I stopped her. I grabbed her by the arm and slammed my palm into her nose. It broke, not surprisingly. She bled all over my clean kitchen floor. I picked her up by her pants and her collar and threw, literally, out the front door. I shut and locked it. I went to the bed room and got the Glock that I had hidden. It freaked Frankie out. I sat down at the kitchen table, watching our front door. I told her to call D. J. and tell him what happened. She hesitated, but she did what I asked."

"What did D. J. do?"

"Whatever he could do. She threatened him. She threatened me. He wouldn't allow it. His male bikers had to step in and deal with Robin. He threatened to turn her in, to end her gang and move away if she didn't stop. She finally did, but I knew that she was planning something against me. How could she not?"

"What did she do?"

"She waited. She plotted. She won."

"How long?"

"Six months. She waited six months. Plotting and waiting. She waited until we went to Tennessee. She waited until I had enough to bring it all down. She didn't know that of course, but I had already given everything to Fee Bees. Both of our plans were in motion."

"What went wrong on your end?"

"She found the path that I was taking to get Frankie out. We'd already made arrangements for her to get out. I knew that I could get her to flip on them all, but I had to get her to safety first. That is why we were in Tennessee. I was setting up a safe house for her and the baby. I knew that she would be okay. I had to get us back for the raid though. We had to be arrested to make it look legit. I was prepared for Robin to meet us at the bar on her own. D. J. wasn't there. He was at one of the warehouses, counting his money and his product."

"What happened?"

"I am not sure. I remember going into the bar to find D. J. Then, I remember waking up in the warehouse. Robin was standing over Frankie. She was screaming at her. She was yelling at her to leave me and come back to her. Frankie wouldn't back down. She knew that she couldn't."

Olivia stopped. The tears were there and ready to fall. Alex could tell that Julie and Olivia were merging. The emotion was coming through and Julie was blending.

"I was tied up and away from them. Robin threatened my life I'm sure. Frankie was crying but I couldn't tell where she was in relation to me. Robin came in with a knife. She put it in my face and threatened me. I told her to do it. That I wouldn't leave Frankie, because I knew that Robin would kill the child when she found out that couldn't have Frankie all to her self. I wasn't going to let Robin. Robin hit me. She punched me in the stomach, in the face, everywhere. She took her vengeance out on my body, but she wasn't going to break me. I wasn't going to let her"

"What about Frankie?"

"When I couldn't stand anymore, or I didn't cry out in pain because I passed out. She would turn back to Frankie. Yelling and screaming, but to no avail. Frankie wouldn't be persuaded. I knew that if Frankie could hold on, so could I. I had to for her and the baby."

"How long?"

"I don't know. It seemed like days. I'm told that I was missing for two weeks, but I remember when we left for Tennessee. I was out of range for a while. Russell had lost track of me on purpose. I thought he was getting too close to me, again. I thought he was going to blow my cover. I had to push him away in order to protect the mission."

"How do you know you were out of range?"

"I found a way to turn the beacon off in my boots. I would make sure that a handler or a spotter saw me in them, that were on and then I would turn it off. They would freak out, but think that I was out of range. I figure out that the range on the GPS marker was global but it wouldn't ping their readers unless they were within three miles. I can move very quickly when I have to and three miles can take a while to search."

"But, they said they'd lost contact for two weeks."

"They did. I hadn't been in full contact. But, I would allow the GPS to ping my location every now and again. It was a way to let them know that I was still alive."

"But, then how long were you in the warehouse?"

"I would say around two to three days. I can't say for sure. I black out so many times; I am surprised that I don't have more permanent brain damage. All I do remember was being strung up by handcuffs and hung from a chain. I managed to get my boot censor back on by smashing my heel into the concrete floor. It set off the panic mode."

"Why did you do that?" Alex asked.

"D. J. showed up. He looked pissed. The raids had begun. The warehouses were being searched. He was trying to find Robin and get the Hell out of town. He hadn't known what she was doing or where she was. He told her to leave us. That the feds would find us and it would be over. Robin wanted to put a bullet in us. He took her gun. She grabbed a bat and went after Frankie. She blamed Frankie for the feds, accusing her of turning on them because of the baby."

"What did you do?"

"I begged. I pleaded. I told Robin to take her rage out on me. Frankie wasn't to blame and I couldn't let her hurt the baby. I had to save the baby, Alex. I couldn't let anything happen to him. I just couldn't," Olivia said, finally sobbing.

"I know, Liv. I know. But, what happened? Did Robin beat on you?"

"Yeah, she tried at first. She got a few good swings in. One of them must have dislocated my shoulder and I drooped to that side. The pain was awful. D. J. pointed his gun at her head and told her to stop or die there. She was a liability to him and he knew it. She had to think fast. She took the bat up and sung some more at me. I don't think that she thought he'd actually do it."

"Do it? Did he shoot her? He shot his own sister?" Alex questioned.

"Hell, I'd've emptied a clip into her. He did. He shot her in the arm. It didn't deter her. She kept thrashing on me with the bat. The blows were softer now, because of her wounds but she nonetheless wasn't going to stop. He shot her, again. This time she moved towards him. She dropped the bat. She actually went after him. Another shot rang out and I heard her scream, then I passed out. The rest you know already."

"Did Robin die in the warehouse?" Alex asked.

"I wish."

"They didn't find her?"

"No, they didn't. And, that scares me. I'm afraid of what she'll do to us, if she finds us."

"She won't find us, Olivia. We're at the Cape. Besides, who would think to look here for you?"

"You'd be surprised out how far her reach can be. Nothing will surprise me with her. Nothing except her death. That is the only thing that I pray for now. Because I know that when she is dead, she won't be able to hurt us anymore."

"Olivia…she'll pay her dues. Abbie is going to make sure of that. She'll be locked away for life. Abbie is preparing the charges now. The FBI has a lead on them both. They'll have them in custody soon. Robin and D. J. are going down. You have nothing to fear."

"But, the monster in my head…"

"What?" Alex questioned.

"I have plenty to fear. I won't be calm. I won't be able to rest until I know that Robin has been caught. Her talons are long and reach almost everywhere. I think that we should go back. I think that you need to go to New York. I can't go with you. I want you to take Xander, too. No one would think to look for him there. Hell, Robin doesn't even know he lives. It's perfect."

"Shut the fuck up."

"Excuse me?!" Olivia stated, taken aback by Alex's language.

"You will not do this. I will not let you. I am not going to let Robin win. If you run and hide, she wins. I am not leaving you, Liv. I am not letting you fight this on your own. If we have to run, we will run together. If we need around the clock guards, I will hire the best and allow the FBI or Marshalls to provide them. But, under no fucking circumstances, am I going to allow you to leave me or Xander out of some crazy-ass sense of duty, do you understand me?"

"Yes, councilor, I do."

"Good."

"You know what Alex?"

"What?!" she snapped.

"You are incredibly fucking hot when you're angry," Liv stated, as Alex noted the darkening of her eyes again.


	23. Chapter 22- Dream

**Chapter 22 - Dream**

Liv and Alex were in town getting groceries. Liv was pushing the stroller with Xander in it. Alex was pushing the cart back to her car. They were like any other family heading back to their car after shopping. Olivia couldn't have been happier. She was realizing that she was getting better and that Alex made her happy.

Alex turned and watched Olivia as they neared the car. She was smiling, a goofy but well liked smile. Alex couldn't help but smile back at her. She grabbed Liv's hand as on the stroller's handle and gave it a squeeze. Liv smiled bigger.

"You ready to get back? Or, is there another store that you want to go see while we're out? This is your day. We are doing and going wherever you want hear at the Cape," Alex told her.

"I don't know. I think I am ready to go home. Xander is getting tired. I want to put him down in his own crib. I don't like him sleeping in the carrier that much, except when we're on a trip."

"I understand, Liv. We can go back to the house. Come on, let's go."

Liv put Xander in the car as Alex put the groceries in the trunk. To Alex, it was an idealistic day. Liv was happy. They were acting like a family. Alex couldn't wait to ask her to come home with her and they could be a family. It was going to be their shared dream finally coming true. They would be a family, together, with Xander and they would share their love together.

Olivia finished getting Xander situated in the car and came around to the back to store the stroller in the trunk. She was still smiling at Alex until she heard it. It was a very distinct sound. It was building and getting louder. The rumble and the roar were catching up to her.

Alex saw the worry on her face. She knitted her brows in confusion as she watched Liv slide down the side of the car and hold her ears. Alex immediately started staring around the grocery store parking lot, trying to find the thing that was making Olivia shrink back in fear. It was then that she heard it.

The rumble and the roar of several bikers as they entered the lot filled Alex's ears. Alex's eyes widen and she knew why Liv was becoming afraid. Alex went to her side. She pulled Liv's hands from her ears and wiped away the tears from Liv's face. She took Liv's hands and made her stand up.

"They aren't here for you, Liv. Look. They aren't even part of a gang. They are just pleasure riders. You have nothing to worry about. Come on, let's just go home," Alex told her.

"You're sure?" Liv asked, obviously scared.

"Yeah, Baby," Alex answered as she helped Liv into the car.

The drive back to the cottage was a quiet one. Liv was retreating and Alex knew it. She knew that Liv was going to be absent for a few hours while Julie tried to deal with the fear and other emotions surround the incident. Alex knew that the next few hours were going to be crucial in Liv's reintegration and her emotional and mental stability. Alex was worried that Liv wouldn't be able to go back to work. She was afraid…she would deal with whatever came when they got to that point, but until then, she was going to support Olivia in every way that she could.

_It was a dark and dank place. Olivia was trying to figure out where she was. She tried to look around the room, but couldn't really make anything. She was puzzled and slightly in pain. She tried to move. She tried to stand up. It was then that she realized that she was tied up and her arm was twisted at an odd angle behind her. It was causing her some pain, but she thought that in the position that should could touch the knot that was securing the rope around her. She fingered the knot until it was loose and managed to get up._

_She stood up, quickly, only to sit down again. She waited a few minutes until the stars in her eyes were gone and tried to stand again. This time she made it up. She put out a hand and found a support column. She leaned against it as she tried to gather her bearings. _

_There was something about the place, something that was familiar, something that Olivia knew. There was a smell that was assaulting her nose. It was a so familiar and so foreign to the detective. She had to figure out where she was. She had to know what was going on around her._

_She walked around, more like shuffled around in the dark trying to ascertain where she was. She found mechanics tool set. She pulled open some drawers. She was looking for something to arm herself with. She was scared. She didn't know where she was or why she was there. She wanted to be prepared, for anything. She found a hammer. She decided that it would do, but took a long bladed flat head screwdriver as well. _

_She moved around some more and found more things that were making her recognize where she was. She heard the cries. She knew the voices in the small office tucked in the back of the open room she was in. She heard them talking. She crept closer so she could figure out exactly where she was and why she was there. If she could just hear something they said, it might let her learn everything that she wanted to know. Before she knew it, she was below the window that opened into the large room. She knelt down below it._

_"I don't care, D. J. Everyone knows that Frankie is mine. This Julie person is going to learn it, too. Frankie is mine. No one is going to stop me from having her."_

_"Robin, Frankie has made her choice. She doesn't want to be with you. She doesn't want you anymore. She has Julie. Julie is taking care of her and helping deal Frankie get ready for the baby. You had your chance and you blew it. Get over it and move on, sister, or I'll end the gang. I can't have you going off half-cocked."_

_"You will do no such thing. I own you. You turn on me, dear brother and I'll turn on you. We are in this together. Remember that. We are both moving the drugs for the cartels. We will both go to jail and you know it. So stop trying to threatening me with that. You'll have to do better."_

_"Robin, you can't pursue her forever. She has moved on and so should you. I'm going to send you to Savannah. There is a new contact there that I want to make. I want you to go and represent us. It is going to be a good business opportunity. We need to find more legitimate businesses anyway," D. J. told her._

_"Why?"_

_"So we can deal with the money and the intake of products. We can use them as fronts to launder the money and to hide the product from the Feds. We need to be smarter than the pigs if we want to continue on as we are. We are in deep. If we get caught, it is going to be horrible for us both. We need this, Robin. I need you to do this."_

_"I understand all that, but why are sending me?"_

_"Because you are the best in reading people that we hire."_

_"I still don't like Julie."_

_"Nevertheless, you're going. I'll expect you to be ready to ride by tomorrow night. This is very important to us and the gang. I need you to be on board with this, Robin. I need you to be with me. Can you do that?"_

_"You know I will be. Frankie, just better be ready when I get back. She'll be mine then or I'll deal with Julie myself. You can let them know that, too."_

_"I will not. Frankie isn't yours. She is off limits. And, now, so is Julie. I don't want you to ruin this, Robin, but you are going to try. Julie is a good mover. She follows orders well. She is a good person for us. I need you to promise me that you will them alone."_

_"I don't know what you see in her. She doesn't want you, D. J. She is a lesbian, just like the rest of us. But, I promise that I won't test her further, for now. But, one day, I will."_

_"Robin…" D. J. warned._

_"I told you that I'll go. I'm going. But mark my words, D. J. I will make Julie understand that Frankie is mine, one way or another. That choice will be hers," Robin answered as she left the office._

_Liv made herself as small as she could. She watched Robin leave. Her skin crawled. There was just something about Robin that scared her. She knew psychopaths, but Robin was sadistic as well. She found pleasure in other's pain. _

_After some time, Liv stood and walked away from the office. She remembered where she was then. She was in the garage where the gangs worked on their bikes. She had been there many times. She had worked on her "issued" Softail there. D. J. had even helped her sup it up some._

_She made her way back to the mechanics boxes and replaced the tools. She needed to leave. She didn't want to be found in there by Robin, but one thing was still bothering her. She knew where she was, but she didn't know why. She didn't know why she was there. More to the point, she wanted to know she had been tied up in an awkward position._

_She was almost to the door, when Robin found her. She was ready to fight if she had to and knew that she would. She mentally prepared for Robin to strike her outright, but when it didn't happen she reached out for the door. Liv figured she would just walk away and wait for Robin to come after her._

_She grabbed the handle of the door and opened it. Suddenly, she was hanging from her right arm in a pair of handcuffs. She was back in the garage, but she was hanging from an engine lift hook. Robin was standing under her, the feral smile disheartening Liv's mindset. _

_"You just didn't know when to leave well enough alone did you, Julie?" Robin accused her._

_"What are you talking about?"_

_"Frankie is my girl!"_

_"Maybe you should tell her that. She told me that she didn't want you. She's told you that, as well. Why are you so hell-bent on Frankie?" Liv asked her._

_"I already told you. She is mine. The sooner you both learn that the better for all of us."_

_Robin watched her. Liv didn't know what she was waiting on, but she knew that Robin was going to do something bad. She knew that Robin wasn't stable. She could only hope that no one would get hurt badly. _

_"Are you going to be smart and leave her?" Robin asked her after a few moments._

_"That is entirely up to Frankie."_

_"WRONG!"_

_"I am not going to leave her just because you told me to, Robin."_

_"You think you love her, don't you?" Robin questioned._

_"Enough to stay with her and protect her unborn child, yes. How much do you love her, Robin? Are you willing to kill me for her? Are you will to hurt her to make her understand your love for her? I don't think that even you are that stupid," Liv told her._

_Robin laughed. It was demonic and it made Liv begin to panic. She knew that Robin was planning something. She just didn't know what it was._

_"Are you willing to die for her?" Robin questioned, absent-mindedly._

_Olivia started trying to find a way out. She started pulling harder on her restraints. Robin laughed even harder as she heard Liv struggling against the chains. Olivia kept looking around, but would periodically check on Robin. Robin didn't seem like she was in any hurry. She wasn't acting like she was going to leave, either. She was having too much fun watching Liv squirm._

_"Are you, Olivia? Are you ready to die for your supposed lover? Will you die for her?" Robin asked, pointing in the corner._

_Liv looked up to find that it wasn't Frankie in the corner bound up and scared. It was Alex. A shiver ran through her body. Olivia's eyes darkened. The pain in the arm was suddenly gone but it did nothing to stop the pain in her heart. Liv knew that the adrenaline was flowing and she would have to act soon before it wore off._

_She tested the cuffs and chains again. She moved her shoulder around to see if the she dislocated it, if it would help her get out. She knew that the pain would be unbearable, but she had to find a way to get to Alex. She had to protect Alex. She had failed twice before; she wasn't going to fail again._

_She reached up and grabbed the hook. She could pull herself up and even out the pull on both of her shoulders, but she couldn't get up far enough to unhook herself from the hook. She pulled herself up and waited for Robin to come closer. She watched Robin plotting as she plotted how to get out of the situation. _

_Robin then made her flawed move. She came closer to Olivia, brandishing a knife. As she neared Liv, she kicked the knife out of Robin's hand and then wrapped her legs around Robin's shoulders and neck. She used Robin to push herself up enough in order to unhook herself. After she was unhooked, Liv fell to the floor but was still shackled by the handcuffs. _

_Robin wasn't pleased and she was about to make Liv know about it. She got up and kicked Liv in the ribs several times. Liv could hear Alex's screams, but she wasn't going to let Robin win this time. This time Liv was going to take her down. This time everyone was going to walk away, but Robin. This time…Robin was going to pay for all the sadistic shit that she'd pulled._

_Liv rolled just as Robin kicked at her again. Robin was off balance and Liv took advantage. She grabbed her leg with the shackled hands and pulled Robin down. They wrestled around on the ground for a while, neither of them giving any ground. Robin suddenly was on top. _

_She had Liv on her back. She was straddling Liv and she dug into her knees into Liv's side. She squeezed her thighs as tight as she could. Liv could feel her ribs starting to give. She could feel her breathing getting harder. She wasn't going to give up though._

_Liv turned towards Alex. She could see the terrified look in Alex's beautiful baby blues. Liv made the conscious decision in that moment to kill Robin. It was the only way that she knew that she and Alex would have peace. It was the only way that she could protect them all now._

_A fury long buried deep inside Liv broke free and not even Julie was prepared for the rage that was flowing through Liv. Julie backed up and Liv go. This was her show now and Julie was retreating back into the dark recesses of Liv's mind. All Liv could see now was red. The darkness that she had fought so many years against, the pain of her life and the knowledge of the beast that she might possess because of her lineage all merged into one angry roar. _

_Liv threw Robin off of her. She rolled Robin onto the floor. Liv found herself on top of Robin and she was staring down at Robin. The auburn haired detective stared into the green eyes of the gang leader and her mind began to falter. She wanted Robin dead and she was willing to do it, but she knew that Alex was watching. Liv had to question herself if she wanted Alex to see the full extent of her hatred, her bloodthirstiness, and her darkness. Was killing Robin worth the loss of Alex? _

_It was enough time for Robin to regain her bearings. She went after Olivia again. They were wrestling for control again. Somehow in the mix, the knife found its way back into the fray. They continued to roll across the floor. Neither of them was willing to give up control._

_Alex screamed out for Olivia. It spurned Liv on to win the fight, no matter the outcome. As they fought for control, Liv felt the cool steel of the blade slice through her skin. She didn't cry out. She didn't even acknowledge the pain. She continued to fight. She used the adrenaline to fuel her. She was tired, injured and emotional broken, but she wasn't going to lose._

_Robin wasn't given up either. She was fighting just as hard as Liv. She smiled as they continued their struggle. She used to momentary gain of the cut on Liv's arm. Robin thought for a second that she had the upper hand. It was this moment, when Liv saw it in her eyes, that Liv used to gain the momentum she needed to flatten Robin on her back._

"Olivia!"

She tossed and turned in the bed. The sweat was pouring off of her, pooling around her in their bed. Alex had tried waking her several times in the night, but Liv wouldn't wake from her nightmare.

Some point in the night, when Alex realized that Olivia was thrashing and she could feel the pooling sweat. Alex had gotten a towel and tried to keep Liv as dry and cool as she could. She kept calling out to her, trying to wake her, but knowing that in Olivia's mind the fight would continue until she came to some resolution.

"Olivia," Alex continued to say throughout the night, "I'm here. We're safe."

It became a mantra that she spoke over and over again. Olivia seemed oblivious to Alex's close proximity. It didn't deter Alex. She knew that the nightmares were going to be part of Olivia's recovery. She knew that she would have to be there for her, when she woke screaming.

"YOU WILL NOT HAVE HER!" Olivia shouted as she pinned Alex to the bed.

Olivia's eyes were black. She burned a wild and emotional gaze into Alex's eyes. Alex didn't move. She waited for Olivia to come back to her. She knew that Olivia would come back to her.

Olivia stared at Alex for long moments. She watched Alex's sapphire eyes dancing back and forth. They were okay. They were together. Robin hadn't won. She immediately sat back on her haunches and released her hold on Alex.

"I'm sorry," Liv whispered.

"You're fine."

"I should leave."

"No, you should take a shower and come back to bed. I'll hold you. It's okay."

"I could have hurt you," Liv told her.

"But, you didn't."

"That isn't the point."

"Yes, it is. You know who I am. You know I won't hurt you. It was a nightmare, Liv. They aren't going to hurt you anymore. I am not going to let them."

Liv laughed in a sarcastic manner. It was an interesting thought. In the end though, Olivia knew that Alex would protect her the only way that she knew how: with the law. Olivia, however, knew that Robin didn't care about the law. She only cared about pain. And, Alex being hurt would definitely bring the most pain to Liv, now. No, Liv would have to protect them all. She would have to become a warrior for good, for justice, for her family.

"I don't doubt that you would, Alex. But, Robin…Robin doesn't fight like we do. She fights…dirty, messy and to the death. She's sadistic and psychotic. She has no emotional bearing but wantonness and yes, in a sexual manner as well. She is ruthless and conniving. She has a flare for the dramatic and that is her only flaw when she sets her mind to a goal."

"Then tell me what she's done, so I know what to look for," Alex told her.

"There aren't enough hours of daylight to explain her depravity to man. I certainly don't want to be the one who tries. I have better things to do," Liv replied.

"Like what?"

"Like this," Olivia stated as she kissed Alex.

"Well, that is a start. Go take a shower. You are wicked sweaty and not in a good way. Then come back to bed. You can do those better things to me then," Alex teased her.

"Don't tempt me, Woman, I might just do that. God, my whole body hurts. But, you are right. I do need a shower. I stink. I'm sorry. Do me a favor though, will you?" Liv asked.

"What?"

"Change the sheets. I fill like those sheets are soiled. I don't want to get back in them."

"We'll sleep in the guest room then. I'll change the sheets in the morning…later today. It'll be easier just to sleep in there. Now, go and hurry up. I'm tired and cold."

"Shower with me?" Liv suggested.

"Then, we won't shower and you know it."

"So, what's wrong with that?" Liv teased.

"Shower. Go. Now. Then bed. With clothes on."


	24. Chapter 23- Breakdown

**A/N: Sorry it has taken so long to get this chapter up. Too many ideas and not enough time in the day. Also, my one shot kinda took over and made it self known, so I shared it with you. Hopefully, now, that it is out of my head, I can continue with this story and we can all finally get to a resolution. Anyway...I hope you enjoy it. There is some language and physical altercations described in this one. It isn't so much graphic but it is more detailed than before, so tread lightly if that isn't your cup of tea. As always, reviews are appreciated.**

**Chapter Twenty-Three - Breakdown**

Olivia stood under the spray and willed the dream away. She should have known it was a dream from the beginning but it was so much like her memories of being undercover that until Frankie morphed into Alex it seemed like a memory replaying. She turned the water warmer trying to burn the filth that she felt covering her. She lambasted herself for turning to being naked next to Alex in a sexual innuendo.

Olivia got out of the shower and dried off. She stood in front of the mirror. She noticed that her hair was shaggy and browner than it had been in months. The red and blond highlights were fading. She was turning back into Olivia, detective. She smiled at the face in the mirror. She knew that Julie was blending into her personality. She knew that she would need Julie to finish getting everything out.

Olivia put a wife beater and boxers on before she made her way to the guest room. She watched Alex sleeping. She looked like an angel. Olivia stood in the doorway and watched her. Alex could feel her and sat up in the bed.

"You going to stand there all night or are you going to come to bed?" Alex asked her.

Olivia bowed her head and walked to the bed. She got in silently and lay on her side stiff as a board. Alex knew that she was retreating but she wasn't going to let her mentally run from her. She rolled over and draped an arm across Liv's stomach, pulling her into Alex's body.

"You're okay. We're okay. Relax, Liv, I've got you. I am not going to let her hurt you."

"You can't protect me, Alex."

"Can't I?"

"You hate guns."

"So? Liv, not everyone needs a gun for protection. I certainly don't. I believe in the law, no matter how fucked up the system might be. I still believe in it. I believe in you, because you uphold the law. I believe in what we've fought for in the courtrooms and on the streets. If I can't protect you with the law and with my love, then I can't protect myself."

Olivia just stared at her. She couldn't believe it what she was hearing. Alex believed that they would be okay and because of that, Alex knew that it had to be true. Olivia wished that she had to luxury to still believe that way. Too much had happened. Too much had been seen. Too much done. No, Liv didn't have that naivety anymore. She couldn't believe that Alex still did.

"There is more to it than that," Liv said dryly.

"I understand that, Liv. But, right now, we are here. We're alone and you're afraid. I want to help you. I want to help you fight the monsters in your head, but I can't if you won't let me. We can deal with this together. We can win, but you have to trust in me, in the law, in everyone who wants to help you that we will succeed. If you can't do that, they have already won."

"I'm not a victim you have to prepare for court, Alexandra."

"You may not be a victim that I am preparing for court, but you are a victim nonetheless. Abbie is going to be prosecuting the case. You will have to testify. You will have to tell the court what happened in the warehouse that night, Liv. You will have to relive it. I want to help you through that. I want to be there to comfort you, if you will let me."

"Alex…"

"Liv, I know that this is hard for you. I know that you want to breakdown and cry. Just do it. I won't think less of you for it. You're human and damn it, you've been too strong for too damn long. No, don't. Don't tell me that you haven't been. I don't know how you dealt with the pain of your conception. I don't know how you dealt with the blow from your mother. I don't know how you dealt with the pain your mother's drinking caused. I don't know how you dealt with loosing me, three times…all of them my fault. I know I didn't do so well on my end. So, please don't lie here and tell me you are okay. I know that you aren't. If you can't tell me, then who can you tell? Would you rather talk to Huang? I'll call him in the morning if you want."

"No."

"No, what?"

"I don't want to talk to Huang about the dream."

"Is that all?"

"No."

"Liv, talk to me. Trust me. Lean on me for once. Breakdown and let it out."

"I don't…I don't know if I can. I don't really know how. Alex, I don't know how to be weak."

"No one said anything about being weak. Even strong men break, it is what they do after that proves their real strength. Crying is not a sign of weakness; it is a sign of strength and emotion. You should never be afraid to cry, especially in front of me," Alex told her.

"You don't know what to know what happened, Alex. Hell, I don't want to know and I lived it. I don't know how I could tell anyone the truth about those days," Liv replied.

"You are going to have to tell Abbie and Dana. I'll be in the courtroom. You might as well tell me now, so I won't be surprised then. You know I don't take courtroom surprises well."

"Alex, you don't know what you are asking."

"Don't I? Liv, I have heard some of the most depraved things while being an ADA for you. I doubt that there is anything that you tell me that I will find completely surprising. Just tell me and let it out. Bottling all that up isn't helping you."

"Fine. I warned you. Frankie and I had just returned from the clinic in Tennessee. It had been another delivery to Knoxville for D. J. I stopped by the bar to give Dominique the ledgers. I knew that D. J. was out of town. He had another delivery he was on. Robin was there. She wasn't too pleased to see me. I wasn't too happy to see her either. I just ignored her and talked shop with Dominique before feigning fatigue. I knew that Frankie should get home and rest. All I wanted was some good tequila and a beer. I wanted to drink away everything. I had become too used to be Julie. I was becoming her and honestly, I wasn't looking for a way out. I liked my life. I had Frankie. We were going to have a kid. I was biker that did illegal stuff, but I was reporting it all to the Feds. I had a pretend family and it felt normal."

Olivia sighed and then continued, "I didn't know what Robin was up to. I wasn't watching her like I should. She'd left the bar seconds before me. I saw her Camero peeling out of the parking lot. I just thought she was mad. I had no idea what Robin had already done until I got outside and to the Seabrook truck.

"Frankie was gone. Robin had kidnapped her, right under my fucking nose. She took her in the parking lot at gun point. I didn't see a damn thing. She left me a note. It told me to come to the warehouse in two hours, alone and not to tell D. J. I was scared. Not for me, but for Frankie and the baby. I didn't know what Robin was capable of. I didn't know how far she would go."

Alex watched the tears start to form. She knew that Liv was finally letting it all go. She watched as her eyes changed from black to brown and back again, over and over, as she told the story. Alex knew that there was one difference this time while Liv told it. She wasn't telling the story as Julie. She was telling it as Olivia. Olivia was becoming whole again.

"I ran back inside the bar. I told Dominique. I told her to give me a few hours before she told D. J. I wanted to have a shot at Robin first. I needed to see if I could save Frankie first. Dominique reluctantly agreed. She was afraid of Robin, too, but she was scared for Frankie and the baby.

"I left the bar. I drove back to Russell's. I told him that I had another job to go on and that I was taking my boots. I told him to watch out for a signal. Something didn't seem right with the gang and to be prepared. It was the only thing that I knew to do. I couldn't risk a full assault. Robin would have killed her. I wouldn't have handled that well…at all."

The dammed tears began to flow. Alex just held her and let her continue. Both of them knew that the night was gone. Only the light of justice would bring them peace.

"I went to warehouse. It was dark and dank. It smelled of oil and gas, but there was something else. It was metallic and strong. I realized that it was blood. I thought I was going to be sick. I was too late. Frankie was already dead. I wanted to scream. I wanted to kill Robin. I had never felt such a blinding rage, except once before…a long time ago, similar circumstances…but, I had to control myself. I had to know. I had to know if Robin actually did it.

"I came around a corner and saw Frankie. She was tied up to a support pole. Her hands were behind her. Her eyes were red and puff from crying, begging to let go and pleading for her unborn child. Her feet were bound out in front of her and she was sitting somewhat, the best that she could in her position. Her brown eyes were scared. It was a sight I knew too well. I went into autopilot and ran to her, to release her. Then WHAM! I blacked out.

"Next thing I know, I'm handcuffed and on a hook. My feet are still on the ground but Robin has the lift control in her hand. She has a stiletto in one hand and a massive pistol in the other. It was then that I realized that my eye was pretty much swollen shut. I couldn't make out the size or the make of the weapon and it was making me angry. I had walked right in there and gave myself to Robin on silver platter. I walked into her trap with no thoughts on an escape route.

"Frankie watched me. I kept telling her that it would be okay. We would be okay. Robin would just punch me in the gut and tell me to shut up. She would then go back to Frankie and whisper to her. Frankie would shake her head and cry. Robin would stand up and stare at me, wondering what was so special about me that Frankie wouldn't leave me.

"Robin decided that if she made me ugly that Frankie would leave me. She came at me with the stiletto. But, I fought back the best that I could. I used my feet and managed to somehow kick the knife away. She still had the gun. I was working on that when she pistol whipped me. I was out again.

"I don't know how long that time, minutes, hours. I woke up and my toes barely touched the floor. She was keeping me off balance. She was stretching me and suffocating me without realizing it. I would have to pull up to breathe deeply, but then would have to sag to allow my shoulders some rest.

"Frankie, saw the predicament that I was in and began crying anew. Robin was lost. She didn't know why Frankie loved me so much. She couldn't understand the love that Frankie had for me. It was foreign to her. She wanted to erase me. She wanted to punish me. She punched me, kicked me, and once that I remember head butted my nose.

"Frankie never caved. God bless her. She was going to be strong for me. She wouldn't break for Robin. When beating me didn't work, Robin turned on Frankie. If Frankie wouldn't leave me, then maybe I would leave Frankie. She turned on Frankie. She grabbed a bat and raised it to hit her. I screamed out in terror. Robin just stared at me. She was surprised by vocalization.

"She walked back to me. Watching the emotions in my eyes, she was confused. I begged her to hit me. Take your anger out on me, I begged her over and over. Something finally broke in her, and she did. She took the bat to my legs. It stung. It hurt. But, Frankie was okay. I would be okay if Frankie was okay.

"Frankie called out, begging her to stop. I looked at Frankie and shook my head. I would sacrifice my legs if she kept the baby. It was a silent transaction between us and Robin was aware. She turned to go back to Frankie again. I pulled up against the chains. My shoulder was already dislocated. The pain was unbearable, but I couldn't let her hit Frankie. Something snapped inside, maybe it was pure adrenaline, I don't know. I pulled myself up and then dropped my weight. It was enough that I could flat foot the floor enough to push up and off. The extra motion got me high enough to unhook myself from the engine lift hook. I was still cuffed but I was standing on my own two feet, not dangling.

"My equilibrium was off. I was foundering in the haze and rage. Robin heard me hit the ground. Somewhere during the beating she'd found the gun again. I don't remember when, I might have passed out. I am not sure. I do know that when I landed, I activated the panic feature in my boots. I didn't know how long it would take, but I knew that cavalry was on the way.

"My only plan then was to stay alive long enough to protect Frankie. I wasn't prepared for Robin and pistol. She swung it around at me. I dodge the first two shots. Then I went for her. I lunged at her. We both hit the ground. We were wrestling for the gun. Over and over, shots rang out. Somehow I managed to keep all the shots away from Frankie.

"Out of nowhere D. J. appeared. Inwardly, I was happy. I knew that he would help me. Outwardly, I was scared. He was still Robin's brother."

"What happened?" Alex pushed.

"He went for the gun. Now, all three of us were fighting for it. I was silently counting. Most pistols that size hold between seven and twelve shots. We had already spent seven. If I was lucky, it was empty. If I wasn't, there could be five more shots. I knew that I wasn't as lucky as I'd hoped, because Robin still had a death grip on the weapon. During the course of fight, another shot rang out. I saw the blood mushroom out of Robin. I saw the horrified look in her eyes as she realized that she'd been shot. She stumbled away from us, dropping the pistol. D. J. looked at her surprisingly. She just stared at me in bewilderment. Then, in fit of last ditch rage, she came at me again.

"She grabbed me by the cuffs and rehung me on the hook. She grabbed the lift switch and pulled me up off the floor. She grabbed the bat and swung twice. I think it hurt too much after that. But the damage was already done. She had completely dislocated my shoulder with the final attack. She grabbed her side and smiled at me.

"D. J. heard the sirens first. He grabbed Robin and pulled her out of the warehouse. He left me and Frankie there. He knew that it was the safest thing to do. Robin had already done too much. He knew that we would turn on them because of her. He had to protect what he could of their operation and the get Hell out of town. I watched the run out the back hidden trap doors and passed out.

"The next thing I know, I'm delivering the baby. Russell comes in and saves the day. Weeks later, I wake up in a hospital in Knoxville. I barely remember them telling me that Frankie was dead. I barely remember the rest of it. Russell filled me on the flight to get me out of Atlanta and to Quantico. They were afraid that Robin would follow us, too."

"But, she didn't," Alex told her.

"She may not have had the chance. I don't know how badly she was wounded. I just know that she was shot. I don't know who or what they have told other members of the gang. The gang has affiliations everywhere. I am not safe. Xander isn't safe. They could find us."

"You don't have to worry about that anymore, Liv. You're safe. They aren't going to hurt you anymore. I promise that."

"How can you promise something like that? You don't know them. You don't know where they are. No one does."

"But, we do know where they are."

"What?"

"BOLOs were put out months ago. Most of the gang from Atlanta was picked up soon after you were found. Raids were going on all over town. Your panic mode closed the investigation and Ike swooped in like a hawk. He took them all down. They got Robin and D. J. two days ago."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't know until a few minutes ago. Dana texted me the news. They were hiding at hospital in Biloxi. A cop just happened to be in the hospital visiting his mother when he recognized them from the BOLO. They are in custody in Biloxi waiting for the Marshals to get them and bring them back to Atlanta to be tried. So, we are safe."

"They went quietly, no standoff in the hospital."

"Yeah, D. J. surrendered as soon as they came in the room. Robin tried to fight but injured so bad that she couldn't resist. They handcuffed her to the bed. When she is medically able to be transported she will be sent back too. Until then, she'll be under heavy guard"

"Frankie will get her justice?"

"Yes, Liv and so will you."

"We need to go back."

"Why? Why now? What's going on in your head?"

"I need to talk to Huang. I need to tell him more. I need to get him to help me fill in the blanks."

"It can wait a day or two. I'll call him in the morning. Promise. Right now, sleep. You need your rest. The battle has just begun in earnest now. You are going to have be rested to help everyone win this fight," Alex told her.

"I have you to help me. With you, I know we can win this. We have to, for Frankie and for Xander. "

"We will, Liv. We will. I promise that we will," Alex said, kissing her forehead and rubbing her arms, "But, sleep now. I've got you."


	25. Chapter 24- Trust

**Chapter Twenty-Four - Trust**

Alex awoke the next morning. She was still tired. She exhausted. She couldn't understand how Liv had kept everything so bottled up inside for so long. She was also beginning to doubt that she would be able to handle the knowledge of what happened to Liv while she was undercover. The more she thought about Robin touching her, hurting her, the more she wanted to hurt Robin.

Alex stared out the patio doors to the ocean before her. She tried to let the waves' movements calm her. It wasn't working liked she'd hoped. There was just something about knowing in the daylight that made everything different. She couldn't shake it. The light of day didn't make it any worse or any better. It didn't hide the pain or the suffering that Liv had endured. If it did anything it made it more open. Alex didn't like. No, she didn't like it one bit.

She stood in front of the doors watching the ocean. She needed to talk to someone, but she knew the one person that she could and should turn to was the one person that she couldn't. Liv couldn't help her deal with this. She knew that she should talk to Liv about it, but she didn't want to upset her more than she already was. No, she would call Abbie. Abbie would help her.

Alex went back into the guest room. She watched Liv sleeping, peacefully for once, and smiled. She grabbed the baby monitor and then checked on Xander. He was sleeping as well. She went back into the kitchen, made a cup of coffee, grabbed her cell off the counter charger and went out on to the patio. She wasn't trying to hide from Liv, if she would wake, but she needed the air, the space, the calm of the ocean view to help her make the call.

"Hello?" Abbie answered groggily.

"Abbie?"

"Yeah, Alex, what's wrong? It is like…seven in the morning. What are you doing up with the sun on Sunday? Should you be curled up with a beautiful detective right now?"

"Abbie…"

"What? Did I say something? Alex, why are you calling me so damn early in the morning on my day off? What happened? What's wrong?" Abbie asked, suddenly becoming more awake.

"She wants to come back so she can talk to Huang. I know that she needs to do it, Abbie. I do. I just hoped that she would tell me what happened. I know that she knows that I want to help, but I can't effectively help her if I don't know what is causing the nightmares," Alex told her on phone.

"Nightmares?"

"Yes, she's been having horrible nightmares since we went to town the other day."

"Do you know what triggered them?" Abbie asked her, hearing Alex pace the patio.

"Yes. We were shopping for groceries. We were at the car when a bunch of bikers pulled in the parking lot. I've never seen her like that. She was scared. Abbie, I didn't know what to do."

"It'll be okay. We'll help her through it. We've all come together for her. She knows that."

"I know that. But, Abbie, you didn't see her. I've never seen her like that. I've seen her close to that, but she completely froze. I don't know…I just don't know."

"Talk to her, Alex. Make her understand that you are there for her. She'll tell you. She loves you."

"I know that, Abbie. She has been talking to me, finally. She is opening up, but Abbie, I just don't know if I can help her. I want to so badly, but I don't know if I can be enough for her."

"Alexandra Cabot, you wouldn't be there if you weren't. Stop being so hard on yourself, Alex. You didn't do this to her. We are trying to pick up the pieces and put her back together. It is going to be a long hard road. You knew that when you agreed to come with Agent Lewis. Don't give up on her or yourself. I know you can do this. Now, come on, Ice Princess. Don't let this get to you. Be there for Liv. I'll be here for you for the stuff you can't go to her about. Alex, I know it is hard, but you are strong enough to deal with this. I can't think of anyone else who could do this. Now, buck up and take the bull by the horns. I'll see y'all tomorrow."

"At the agency?"

"Yeah, I want you to help me in drawing up the charges. I know that will help you get your mind off what Liv has told you. Plus, I'm sure that you'll have more information than Ike and Russell. The more I can tack on, the more I can charge them for. The more I can charge them for, the longer the sentence I can ask for," Abbie told her.

"Do you think it'll work?"

"Come on, Alex, where is my Ice Princess?"

"She is in New York and not here."

"Then, she needs to come to Quantico and help me nail the bastards that hurt her lover."

Alex actually laughed for a second. She knew that Abbie was right. She needed to do this because it would help her process everything that happened to Liv without breaking down.

"Calm down, Alex. You take of Liv and I'll take care of the case. I could use your help, but if you can't deal with it. I'll understand. I'll call in someone else to second chair with me."

"Like who? I'm an international prosecutor and an EADA. I am sure that USA's office could afford me one case," Alex stated.

"I know that, Alex. I am sure that they would. The ball is in your court. I'll make that phone call anyway. Besides I'm getting a little lonely in Quantico all by myself."

"You want to bring Serena in?"

"Well, yeah! Who else can deal with my bullshit? You aren't going to keep me in line like she can and you know it," Abbie told her.

"I know. Call her. It would do us all good for some more help. Just make sure you clear it with Dana first. I was supposed to be processing this case. I'm glad she gave it to you, though. I'll second chair as much as I can. But, we both know that with a case this big, the more help the better off we are in court," Alex replied.

"Now, there is my Ice Princess. Take it easy, Blondie. I'll see you tomorrow," Abbie replied hanging up.

Alex put her cell in her pocket and admired the salty air and water again. She slowly sipped on her coffee. Yes, she would help Abbie and in helping Abbie, she would be helping Liv. It was a win-win situation. She would help try the case. It would give her a sense of protection and justice for not only Liv and Xander but for Frankie as well.

* * *

Liv watched on her the porch. She knew that it had been a lot to take in. She also knew that there was more that Alex would have to hear. She wouldn't have to go into graphic detail, but she would have to tell them that she had relations with Frankie. It broke Liv's heart to know that she was causing Alex pain, but she didn't know how to spare her either.

Alex had made it clear that she wanted to know what happened. She didn't care how bad it was; she needed to know so that she could help Liv. Liv knew that, but she didn't have to like it. There were just things that didn't need to be said. There were things that Alex didn't have to know, but then again…Liv loved her and no matter how bad she wanted to spare her the pain and the evils of the undercover operation, she knew that she couldn't fully.

Alex had come on her own to help Liv like she had helped so many before. Liv had to trust in Alex's power and strength. She had to trust that Alex's love would be enough to heal them both and help them through this tough situation. She had to trust Alex…Liv just had to trust. That was going to be her test.

She had to trust the same system that she was trying to protect, the same system that she went undercover for, the same system that she had to trust would bring justice. She knew that it would try her patience, but she knew that the only person she trusted with everything now was Alex. It was a leap…a gigantic leap of faith on Liv's part after everything that happened, but she couldn't think of anyone else that she would trust to stand up for her and get the justice that was deserved.

* * *

Alex finished her coffee. She watched the gulls and other water birds playing. She remembered why she liked coming here as kid. It was peaceful. It was away from the City. There wasn't a darkness that the City had. The Cape was light. Alex knew that even as a child, before she understood and fought the horrors of the City. It must have been her father's way of finding peace. He must have known that here, the City couldn't hurt him anymore.

"I owe you, Dad. I wish I could still share this with you. Thank you for giving me my light back. Thank you for giving me a place that I could find the light again. Thank you for giving a place to share with the ones I love. I only hope that it brings them the peace that it has so often for me. I love you, Daddy," Alex told the clouds, "Give Mom a kiss for me."

She turned to go back into the house. She turned back around and grabbed the monitor, before she saw Liv standing in front of the door. She smiled, weakly at first and then more genuinely. She walked to the door and opened it. Liv didn't move out of the way.

"I woke up and you weren't there," Liv said like a child.

"I'm sorry. I needed some air. You were sleeping. I didn't want to disturb you."

"I like it when you disturb me."

"Liv…" Alex stated, holding up the monitor.

"He's fine. He's still asleep. I already checked on him."

"Are you okay?" Alex asked her.

"Are you?"

"I'm…okay, now. I just needed to process everything. I know that you need to tell me more. I am not leaving though, Liv. I am staying with you. I love you."

"I know. I am sorry that you have to do this. I am sorry for…everything."

"This isn't your fault."

"Isn't it?"

"No, it isn't. You didn't ask to be beaten, kidnapped and strung up. You were doing your job. You were fighting the fight. You didn't ask for any of this to happen."

"Didn't I?"

"What do you mean?" Alex asked her, puzzled by her line of thought.

"I went undercover. I went to Dana and told her I would take the assignment. If I hadn't run, then none of this would have happened," Liv told her.

"If you hadn't done, someone else would have. It still would have happened, but just not to you. You needed to get out of the City, I understand that. No one could have predicted this is what would happen when you left. No one could have known how things would go down. Liv, you can't blame yourself for someone else's actions. You can't control everything, no matter how hard you try. Trust me on this, I know all too well," Alex explained.

"Yeah, well, how do you deal with it?"

"Well, I come to you. I talk to you because I know that you keep me grounded. You help me in ways that no one else can, because you've seen what I've seen. You fight the same fight that I fight. We understand each other, even though we might not always agree on the best way to get the results we are after, we still understand why we fight and who we are fighting for."

"Yeah, well, that doesn't make it any easier," Liv replied.

"No, it doesn't. It makes it harder. I know. I had to learn that the hard way. I lost so much when I had to leave and go into Wit Sec. I was too damn stubborn to listen to reason. I came back and had to claw my way back to you. I was determined that I wasn't going to lose you again. I realized that I needed you, then. I needed you because you could take my bullshit and you were willing to fight anyway," Alex told her.

"Then, why did you go to the Congo?"

"I felt I had to. I had to help those women. I knew that you would understand on some level. We weren't together and honestly, I was afraid of committing to you. I was running from my feelings. I knew I loved you, but I couldn't tell you. I didn't want to jeopardize our friendship. I saw the Congo as a way that I could feel like I was actually making a difference in the world, again, and I could give us some distance."

"But, you went back?"

"I did. We weren't ready. We kept fighting it. It was like every time that we tried before I went back, again, that we just weren't ready to make the leap. I think we had both finally come to our senses and knew what we meant to each other, but we were still in denial."

"It took me leaving to realize how much I needed you," Liv declared.

"I know, Baby. I know. I could tell by your letter. You needed me, but you needed to feel too. So much had happened to you in the last year. You needed a break, from everything. The undercover mission fell into your lap and you jumped at it. No one can fault you for that. We all understood and understand why you did it."

"Then why do I feel like I betrayed everyone?" Liv asked.

"Because you didn't do the normal Benson tactic. You didn't go after anything head on. You fled into something else. You became Julie and still were fighting for justice. When Benson and Julie finally met again, it was in that warehouse. You knew then that you had to live. You knew then that you would do anything to protect those you love. You did everything you could for Frankie and Xander. You turned into the protector that I have seen so often in interrogations and with victims. I think somewhere deep inside you feel like you've betrayed yourself. And now, you don't think that you deserve everything that we are doing for you," Alex stated.

"How do you know me so well?"

"Because we are alike and we love each other."

"Alex, I don't deserve you."

"No, Liv, it is I that don't deserve you. I am done running away from you and us. The only running that I am going to do is toward you. I am going to fight for you, for us, for Xander. We are a family now. I am not going to let anyone destroy it."

"Alex…"

"I was going to wait, but I can't…not anymore," Alex said.

"What are you talking about?"

"I want you move in with me."

"What?"

"Look, I know this seems odd, especially now, but move in with me."

"What about my apartment?"

"Sold already, per the instructions that you gave Dana. I don't think that you were actually planning on coming back to New York. The instructions you left were a harsh good-bye."

"My stuff?"

"Already at my place."

"What about Xander?"

"I've already made him a nursery."

"You've thought of everything haven't you?"

"I've tried. The only thing that will be missing in my condo is you. Come home to me, Liv. Come home with me. Join me in our apartment and love me as only you can," Alex told her.

"I'm a bear sometimes."

"Who isn't?" Alex quipped.

"I don't know, Alex…"

"What's to know? You love me. I love you. It is a logical step. One that we have denied ourselves for too long. You can even have your own room if you want."

"I keep forgetting that your condo is that big."

"Share it with me."

"Yes," Liv answered, quietly.

"What?"

"Yes, I'll stay with you."

Alec took her by the hands and kissed her. It was a start. Alex knew it. Liv was coming back to her. Slowly, each day they were making progress. She knew that it progress. She knew that their love would be tested by the case, but she was willing to fight for Liv and she knew that she would win. She had no doubts in her mind.

"One condition, though," Olivia stated.

"What's that?" Alex replied.

"I have to pay rent and bills," Liv told her.

"I am sure that I can come up with something."

"I am serious."

"So am I, Liv. I own the condo. It's mine. I don't have a mortgage on it. It's paid for. If you want to split water and electric, fine. But, I won't charge you rent for something I'm not paying for anymore. That just doesn't make sense."

"Of course it's paid for…"

"Does my money bother you, Liv?" Alex asked.

"No, I just forget sometimes. Nevertheless, I am going to give you rent. I would feel wrong not to. Will you humor me on that?"

"I guess. But, I really don't need the money. I mean if you wanted to rent a parking space that would be a different story. I only have one. You could pay for that, then."

"How much would that be?"

"What? Another space? I don't know. Probably around one hundred a year."

"You've joking," Liv responded.

"That is cheap. One hundred thousand to park there is top level parking. It is around three hundred for the level one covered parking in the garage behind the building."

"You pay that much to park?!"

"No, I bought the space. It was much cheaper to do that. It's mine and even has a parking permit sign. I own the permit for my space."

"Wow…so what happens if someone parks in your space that doesn't have your permit?"

"The garage attendants have it towed at the owner's expense."

"So, how much would that run me a month? To get me a spot next yours? I wouldn't want to sun bake my Mustang."

"I'll make some calls. See what I can do. I am sure that Donald and I can come to an arrangement. I do believe he owes me some favors anyway for Daddy."

"Donald?"

"Oh, he owns the building. Well, he owns what I don't. I am sure that we can make some arrangements for you to park without it being cost prohibitive."

"I love you," Olivia told her before laughing.

"I love you, too, but why are you laughing?"

"Because of the absurdity of our conversation, who does this? We are talking about sharing our lives together in your condo. Instead of being happy and celebrating us living together and everything that entails, we are plotting to get me a parking spot. You have to admit, that is funny," Liv told her.

When Alex thought about it, she agreed. She smiled and joined Liv in her jovial laughter. It was good to see her smile and know that there was mirth behind it. Yes, living together was going to be good for both of them. Now, all they had to do was try the case and win.

It was easy. They had learned to trust each other. Now, they had to trust Abbie and the system. Alex knew that it would be a hard road for Liv, but she knew she would walk it with her, supporting her whenever she needed. Liv would have to trust that they would win. She would have to trust herself. She would have to trust that she could handle telling a courtroom full of people what happened to her while she was undercover, even the dirty parts. Liv knew that as long as she had Alex to support her, she would be able to do anything. Even if she had trust in the one person that betrayed her every time: Herself.


	26. Chapter 25- Drive

**A/N: So, I don't think this story is ever going to end...I keep coming up with more. Just stay with me though. It will be worth it. I am sorry that this is a shorter chapter than the last ones, but I ended it where I did...well because I could. I know it is a cliff hanger, but all your questions will be answered. I promise. Read and enjoy...let me know what you think, I love the reviews. Thanks.**

**Chapter Twenty-Five - Drive**

He watched as she approached. There was something very different with Olivia today. She moved with a purpose. She looked more like her old self, again. She was ready to take on the criminal world and make a difference, but there was something behind it. It was fear. He could feel it flowing off of her in waves. George Huang had never seen Olivia like this. He wanted to know what had her so scared that she would request to meet with him. He needed to know what her fear was. He needed to make sure that it wasn't her fear that was driving her now.

He gestured at the couch. She crossed the office and sat down. He took his seat and waited.

She sat in the office, nervous. He could see it on her face. She'd called two days before to set up this session and now she was just sitting on his couch, frozen. He couldn't help but wonder what she was thinking about. He was surprised that Alex hadn't come with her this time. They had made such good progress last time, together; he figured that she would be there today.

"How are you feeling?" he asked her.

"Better...freer…loved."

"Want to explain that more?" Huang probed.

"I told Alex what happened to me in the warehouse. I remembered some stuff from that time period. I am sure that she has already let Dana know. I know that I will have to write a report of what happened. It was just nice being able to finally let it go and not be judged about it," Olivia told him.

"Who do you think was judging you?"

"Everyone. I know that it was irrational, but it was how I felt. Alex made me see that I didn't have to be stone to be strong. She told me that I was allowed to break. It was the only way that I knew how to be. I am so used to dealing with victims and the perps, that I forgot that I was human. I forgot how to feel. When I remembered how, I hurt so bad inside that I didn't want anyone else to know. I am supposed to be invincible. I thought I had become fragile and I was scared that I was losing my mind."

"Do you feel like you were?"

"Like I was what?"

"Losing your mind?" Huang asked her.

"I did. That was part of the split with Julie. I seriously thought she was a completely different personality. I mean I know she was, but she wasn't. She was my cover persona, she was till me. She wasn't a completely different personal living in my head. She was and always will be part of me. I've come to grips with what I did as Julie and what I had to do while I was undercover," Liv replied.

"But?"

"I still want to kill Robin."

"I think that is a healthy response to what happened to you, Liv. The only problem that I have with that statement is I need to know if you are going to act on it. If Robin was here, would you actually kill her?" Huang asked her.

"I don't know."

"We need to explore this then. Do you feel like we can do that? I don't want to upset you too much, but we need to know. Can you handle that?"

"I have to. I don't have a choice. I need to know, too."

"Why do you feel that you need to know?" Huang asked.

"Because I don't want to go off half-cocked all the time. I can't be worried about how I am going to deal with situation should something happen and I meet Robin on the street. I need to know that I am going to do what's right. I need to know that I am not going to hurt someone else because I want to hurt Robin. I need to know that the people that I love are going to be safe around me. I need to know that I am not going to cross a line…a line that I have so desperately drawn in the sand and become a vigilante. I need to know that Robin will be punished and I need to know that I am not going to be the one to do it. I need to believe that she will be punished by the courts. I have to know that this is the best way that justice will be served."

"By that answer, I know that you are going to be fine," Huang replied.

"How can you say that? I dream of blowing her brains out. I dream of hurting her. I dream of being her executioner. But, you are sitting there, calmly and telling me that I am going to be fine. How can you say that? How can you know that? How?" Liv questioned.

"Because you are afraid of actually doing it. If you weren't, I'd be scared for you. You rationale is overriding your emotions. You are upset by what Robin did, but you know that she has to be brought to justice for it. You know that you aren't the one to bring justice down on her. You are too close to the situation, so you want someone who is removed from it to seek the justice that everyone in this case deserves. You are thinking like a cop and a lawyer. I think that Alex is rubbing off on you," Huang told her.

Liv laughed, slightly, "I think she is, too."

"Is there anything else you want to tell me? Anything else on your mind? This is your time, Liv. You had the weekend to relax and reflect. What so you need to get off your chest? You requested the entire day with me. Why? What do you need to talk about?" Huang asked her.

"Frankie."

"What about her?"

"I am not sure that I am ready for this," Liv replied.

"You won't know until you try. Liv, what is it about Frankie that you want to discuss? Did you remember something that you want to talk about? Did something that happened in the warehouse make you remember something else?" Huang probed.

"Yes, it did."

"What is it?" Huang questioned.

"I need to know if what I felt for her was real."

"Excuse me?"

"George, I don't know that I loved her. I have all these conflicting thoughts and feelings in my head when it comes to Frankie. I don't know that I actually loved her. I am afraid that I was just playing the part because it was easy to do and it helped the case. I don't want to be that base, but I think that it is partially true. If that is true, then how do I know what I have with Alex is real? How can I trust myself?" Liv asked him with tear-filled eyes.

Huang looked at her. He knew she was hurting. He saw the confusion in her eyes and for once, he didn't know how to answer. He couldn't answer that for her, anyway. She would have to do it on her own. He couldn't make that choice for her. He would help her, but that was all he could do for her.

"Liv, I don't know what to tell you," he told her honestly.

"I feel horrible. I feel like I lied to her. I feel like it is my fault that she is dead. If I hadn't fought Robin so hard to keep her…"

"Don't go down that road. Come back to the here and now. We need to explore this further. Let's take a quick break, okay?" he suggested.

Olivia sat there staring at him. She didn't know what to say and now, neither did George. She sighed, afraid of what she was about to find out, but she knew…she needed to know. She needed to know how deeply she actually, truly, really felt for Frankie or if it was all just trying to be a substitute for her feelings for Alex. George shifted in his chair before he got up and made two cups of coffee. He handed her one and sat back down. They were going to talk more.

"Olivia, tell me why you think you can't trust yourself with Alex."

"It isn't that. I do trust myself with Alex. She is about the only one that I do trust myself with. She knows the real me…the fucked up me and she doesn't judge me or care. She loves me in spite of the fact. I don't know why she does, but heaven bless her for her."

"Liv, are you sure that you want to pursue this now? We could try to figure out something else. We can discuss the other situations that you remember. I need you to stay with me. If this is too difficult, we can wait," Huang told her.

"No, George, we need to do this first. I need to know. I have to know. I can move on until I know the truth behind the lies," Olivia replied.

"Liv, you have already been through enough trauma, are you sure this is wise?"

"George, don't do that. I need to know. I need to know because this is going to haunt me and affect me for the rest of my life. I have to understand everything that happened. I have to make sense of the muddle memories and feelings. I can't live like this anymore."

"Like what, Olivia?"

"This weekend, it opened the flood gate. When those bikes triggered my memories, so much came back. I have to know what it all means. I have to know what I did was the right thing to do, not because it was the case, but because I meant it to happen that way."

"We not find that answer, Liv," Huang told her.

"I have to try. I have to…I can't let it go. I want to know."

"Okay, okay. I see that you are resolved in this. It might take longer than you expect, are you sure that you want to do this now?"

"Yes!"

"Alright, I want to do this a little differently than we have before. Lie down and get comfortable. I want you as relaxed as you can get."

"You are going to hypnotize me? Come on, George. We both know that isn't reliable."

"No, I am not. I want you relax, because when you are relaxed you are more likely to remember something without being coaxed into it. I find that most people don't fight against the memories so much when they are relaxed. I mean you will resist it, but you won't be as tense."

"Whatever you think will work, Doc," Liv answered as she lay back on the couch.

She hated it. She hated shrinks, but she knew that was a necessary evil. She stared at the ceiling. Liv tried to find a pattern in the tiles. She was trying to forget where she was so the memories would come to her. She felt the couch accept her weight.

"Are you comfortable?"

"I'm good. Now what? How does this work?"

"I need you to think back to when you felt something for Frankie. It may have been the first time you met. It may have been the time you told me that she approached you, asked you out. I want you to tell me what it was about Frankie that drew you to her. It doesn't matter how small the memory is. Just start talking about whatever it is you remember, Liv," he told her.

She lay there and let her mind wonder. She grabbed the edge of the couch with one hand and buried her fingers in the cushion. Huang watched her, but said nothing. This was her trip; she had to lead them to the destination.

"It was the first time I saw her."

"What was it about her?" he asked.

"She reminded me of Alex."


	27. Chapter 26- Frankie

**Chapter Twenty-Six - Frankie**

"How so? Can you describe it to me? What is it about Frankie that reminds you so much of Alex?" George asked her, as he grabbed his notepad and took notes.

He knew that they were breaking through and he would need to review the revelations later. He didn't know if Liv would really want his honest opinion in the end, but he would have to give a report to Dana before Dana would hand her back to the NYPD. It was standard procedure. No one wanted to give a department back damaged goods after an assignment.

"She was a breath of fresh air. She was different. It had nothing to do with her long blond hair or her slight build. She was made just like Alex. It was like they were twins, but…not."

"They acted the same?"

"Yes and no. Alex is more refined and upscale. Frankie was real world and street savvy. They had the same walk. And, their asses…" Liv started. She shook her head, dismissing the thought but keeping the smile on her face. She then continued, "Frankie had brown eyes, like caramel. They were soft and unyielding at the same time. She was the same way."

"What do you mean?"

"She was friendly, but fiercely loyal. She would protect you no matter what. Some people took her softer side for granted, but they didn't see the real Frankie. They thought she was weak. She wasn't. She was the strongest woman in that gang. She was a survivor. She used her brain to get what she wanted. She didn't need muscle. When someone tried to strong arm her to say, she would talk her way out of it. Robin hated it."

"Robin didn't like that she was smart?"

"Not one bit. She didn't push her smarts on you, but you could just tell. It made me wonder why she was there. I couldn't understand how she ended up in that situation. She just kept telling me that it was her choice. Who chooses to be in a biker gang trafficking shit?"

"You did," George said flatly.

"I was undercover. It was part of the job. It wasn't a life style choice; it was a work choice."

"I am just saying, not everyone has the same opportunities in life, Liv," George replied.

"I know. Damn it, I know that better than anyone. But, Frankie…Frankie was different. She chose that life. She could have been Alex in a different place. I never did get to the bottom of it, but I knew. I just knew that she could have been something greater. She had that…light in her. She had the same light that Alex does. She wants to help people, always thinks about the greater good and justice, before she helps herself. She was always more worried about who was going out on the runs. She took it personally when something bad happened to anyone."

"She took it personally?"

"Yeah, like it was her fault that something happened. She was a lead member in the gang, so she helped in the planning stages. Frankie was a passionate person. It was in everything she did."

"Olivia, you said that Frankie hit on you first. Did it take a while for you to notice her advances or was it gradual on her part? How did you realize that she was interested in you?" he asked.

"It was gradual, I believe. It wasn't something I sought out. I was an emotional wreck when I left New York. I wasn't seeking anything. Frankie made it a point to break through to me. She pursued me. Like Alex, she knew what she wanted and she went after it."

"You found that to be an admirable trait?"

"Yes, I do. It is something that I like. She knew what she wanted and she pursued it. She didn't let my emotional state or lack thereof stop her from trying. She asked me out I think about twenty times before I agreed."

"Do you know what made you finally agree to go out with her?" Huang asked her.

"Her smile."

"Her smile?"

"Yes, it was infectious. When she smiled at me, it melted something inside me. I felt almost human again and not a robotic cop. She gave me a reason to explore my emotions again."

"You bottled them up after Elliot left?"

"Yes, it just seemed safer. If I wasn't emotionally connected to anyone, then I couldn't get hurt by them when they left or whatever. It was lonely, but I felt safe. It was that peaceful safety that I had been pursuing for years."

"So, what you are telling me is that based on your emotional state at the time that you went undercover and your unconventional upbringing that Frankie made you feel normal. She gave you some sense of grounding and normalcy. Is that what you are saying?"

"Yes, she did. She made me feel again. She was very influential in Julie's development. Frankie made me feel whole again. I didn't feel like I was floundering around. I did what I could to protect her and still gather information for the case."

"Explain that more for me."

"I…she reminded me so much of Alex that I couldn't let her get swept up into the craziness. I has already arranged for a safe house, new identities, a fresh start with her with the Marshalls and courtesy of the FBI. Dana didn't like my process but she did agree that if we could turn someone on the inside, it would make the trial run better. We all knew that it was a tough case. Frankie was a tough woman. She rebelled in her own way against Robin."

"You admire her for that?"

"I think that drew me closer to her. I knew that she had a history with Robin, but she would rebuff her and rebel against Robin's constant presence. She made it known to the entire gang that she was her own woman and she was beholden to no one, especially Robin. I think that D. J. admired her for that as well."

"D. J. showed her different affections than the rest of the gang members?"

"Yes, we all did. Frankie was the most loved and protected member. Everyone loved her."

"Did you?" Huang probed.

"In my own way, I think I did. I did everything I could to protect her in every way possible. I made a life with her for about year. I emotionally invested myself in her well-being. I can't say whether it was because she was so much like Alex and I knew that I loved Alex. I don't know what drove me to Frankie besides Frankie herself."

"Are you sure about that?"

"I don't know. Why do you ask? Did I say something after we fled?"

"Russell reported many times that you called out for Alex in a painful manner in your sleep. Something about a painful memory being replayed over and over again. When you were questioned about it, you shrugged it off and dismissed it as bad dreams. I know that the FBI knew about the incident where Alex was shot. I am however surprised that no one in your crew knew about it. Do you think that it was hidden for your protection?" Huang asked her.

Olivia stared at him. She knew that the day that Alex was shot, thought to be dead, and whisked away by the Marshalls into Wit Sec was part of her file. It had become common knowledge due to the case against Connors, a.k.a. the Ghost. She seemed confused that the information hadn't been passed down to Ike and Russell.

"Isn't that something that should have been in my file?"

"Yes, it should have been. I think that Dana knew about your emotional attachment to Alex and kept it out for your own protection. If something happened to your information and the gang or someone else found out about you, they wouldn't know about Alex. It kept Alex protected and kept you from being able to be blackmailed," Huang told her.

"They were scared that I would break?"

"Were you?" Huang questioned.

"In the beginning, I am sure that I would have if pressed. Dana was right to do that. But, I am sure that she could have sent the information down to Ike and Russell through less common channels. That way they would have known."

"What would that have told them about your relationship with Frankie?"

"It would have told them that I preferred smart blondes. I think that my relationship with Alex and my emotional attachment with her might have been needed information. They might have pulled me out sooner. Once they noticed the emotional involvement with Frankie and the depth of our relationship, I think that Dana might have made a decision to extract me."

"Why do you think that she didn't?"

"I don't know. I wasn't a conventional undercover operative for the FBI. Was my relationship with Frankie deemed important enough for the FBI to warrant it in the pursuit of the investigation?" Olivia asked.

"What do you think?"

"I don't know. I know that I came to care for Frankie, probably more than I should, but there was always something in the back of mind wanting Alex. I wonder if I was trying to punish myself for being with Frankie, thinking that I was cheating on Alex somehow."

"Now, that is possible. Do you think that your relationship with Alex, no matter how fleeting it was before you went undercover, pushed you into the relationship with Frankie? Could Frankie have been a surrogate for you, since you couldn't have Alex?"

"I hope not. I know that they were two different people. I knew that every time I lain down with Frankie that she wasn't Alex. I knew they were different, no matter how close the similarities between them. I realize that I did develop feelings for Frankie. They were different than the ones that have for Alex. I don't know that they were as deep, though."

"You can admit that you had feelings for Frankie, but that they weren't as deep. Were they as complicated as love can be? Can you tell me that, now, Liv?" George asked her.

"I am sure they were. Why else would I go through so much trouble to try to get her and Xander out of the life? Why would I jeopardize the case to protect them?"

"Because you are a compassionate person and you knew that Frankie was different. There was something about Frankie that drove to do it. Did you think that you would be able to stay with her after the case was over? Did you do it to protect her? Or, were you trying to protect yourself by saving her?" Huang questioned.

"What do you mean by that?" Olivia asked back, getting defensive.

"You know that you love Alex. You admit that loved Frankie in her own way. You did everything that you could without telling her who you were and what you were doing before the raids started to get her out. You made her an out. You went above the case and found a way to get her out and protect her. Did you do that out of some type of love or was it guilt?"

"I don't know. Both, I guess. I knew somewhere in the back of my brain that I wouldn't be able to stay with Frankie. Maybe that was the driving force behind me trying to get her out. If I couldn't be there to protect her personally because I loved her, I wanted to know that she was protected and safe," Liv answered.

"So you believe that you knew that you wouldn't be able to continue your relationship with Frankie had she survived?"

"Yes."

"Does that bother you?"

"Of course it does."

"Do you think that you have found the answers that you wanted?"

"Partially."

"Why do you say that, Liv?"

"I want to believe that I did what I could for her. I want to believe that I did it out of love. I want to believe that I did it for Frankie and not for myself. I knew that I would be able to stay with Frankie. I couldn't continue the relationship and I don't want to know what she would think of me once she found out who I really was."

"Olivia, tell me the truth. Does it bother you that she wanted to name Xander after Alex? I am just asking because Russell stated in one of his reports that it was because they thought that Alex was your father who died in the line. He himself told Frankie this one of the times that she stayed at the Seabrook house in Vinings. Do you think that keeping Xander is something that you should do knowing the questions that he might ask about his parentage later?"

"I…I don't know. I love him. Frankie wanted to make sure that he was with a parent that loved him. I can't question her motives now, because she isn't here. I was afraid of the repercussions of her actions in naming his guardian. I couldn't have known at the time that she wanted to name him Alexander after my supposed father. I couldn't have known that my dreams would lead to his name. I couldn't have known that she was going to die and that I would actually become his legal guardian."

"Do you feel guilty for surviving the ordeal?" Huang pushed her.

"Yes, of course I do. How could I not? I did everything that I could to save her, to protect her and I failed, but I lived and she didn't. I have to care for our son, now, alone."

"You have Alex," Huang added.

"Yes, I do. I do have Alex to help me. God bless her for it. I don't know why. I can't believe that she actually wants me to live with her and she wants Xander to come, too. She has taken to him like he is her own, like he really is mine, like I am the one that gave birth to him. It scares me how much she loves me and Xander," Liv explained.

"Why?"

"Because I don't understand it. I don't deserve it. It just seems too easy. It is like I broke everything I could and I still get the prize. It isn't fair," Olivia stated.

"Is that what is really bothering you?"

"Yes, it isn't fair. I love Alex. I loved Frankie. I love Xander. Yet, after everything, someone still got hurt because I couldn't be what they needed. I can't save everyone, no matter how hard I try. I still try though. I always have. I beat myself up over it. I think that I might always do it. I did it after Alex was shot. I didn't stop until I knew that she was home and safe. It didn't matter that I knew that Alex was safe in Wisconsin and again went she back after the trial of Connors. I did. I knew she was protected, but somewhere in the back of my mind it was fault."

"Why?"

"Because I didn't protect her that night."

"The night she was shot?" Huang asked for clarification on his part.

"Yes, I didn't protect her. If I had been sooner, if I had been closer to her, if I had seen the van…maybe, maybe I could have protected her and she wouldn't have left. It plagued me."

"But, if you had been closer or sooner to protect her, you could have taken the shot."

"I know," Liv replied, frankly.

That is when George saw it. He realized the eerily similar incidents that Olivia had lived through. She was next to Alex when she was shot. She tried to save her, thought she had died and then had to pretend that she was dead for her protection. She steeled her heart against love because love was always taken from her, because of the job. Frankie was no exception. Olivia blamed herself that Frankie was dead. It didn't matter that Frankie died from complications due to the birth of Xander. Liv would always blame herself for it.

"Olivia, you do understand that Frankie's death isn't your fault, right?" he asked.

"I know that she died from complications from Xander's birth. Do I directly know that it isn't as a result of something that I did? No, I don't. I will always question what happened to us before we ended up in the warehouse. I will always question if I had done something differently if it would have saved Frankie that night. I wouldn't be telling you the truth if I didn't."

"Are you keeping Xander because of guilt?"

"No, I love him."

"You love him?" Huang asked her.

"Yes, he is my son."

"So you accept that he is yours?"

"Yes, he is my son. He has always been my son. He will always be my son. Frankie made sure of that. Alex and Dana made sure that it was legally fact as well."

"So, you love Xander as your own? Does that mean that you love him because he is Frankie's? Or, is there something else that causes you to love him?"

"No, I love him because I am his second mother. I was always meant to be his second mother. I loved Frankie and Xander is his. How could I not love him?"

"I don't know, Olivia. He is a beautiful boy. He is lucky to have both you and Alex to care for him. I know that he will be continued to be loved by you both," George answered.

"No, I am the lucky one to have them both in my life."

"Are you ready then to go home to New York and start your life with them?"

"Yes, I think that I am. I have come to terms with Julie. I have come to terms with my feelings for both Alex and Frankie. I love my son. The only thing left that I have to do is complete the debriefings and tell them about all the situations that I reported. I want to start debriefings as soon as possible. Can you help with that? I want to go home."

"I'll talk to Dana. I think you are ready to let them know what happened. I think that you…that Olivia is ready to make sense of the last two years. I think that you are ready to move on and have the life that you've wanted for years. I wish you much happiness, my friend," he told her.


	28. Chapter 27- Ghosts

**Chapter Twenty-Seven - Ghosts**

George escorted Olivia out of his office and to the makeshift waiting room outside. He saw Alex as she put down the magazine she really hadn't been reading. He saw the fleeting smiles they gave each other. He knew that the weekend had been long and draining for them both. He knew it must have hurt Alex to come back as suddenly as they had. He could see it on her face.

Alex was tired and worried. Anyone could see the fatigue and pain on the usually cold, distant, and calculated woman known as the "Ice Princess." Today, however, she was defeated and she wasn't trying to hide it. She smiled at Olivia, happy that she seemed to be doing better, now, after her session.

Huang noted the exchange between them. He saw the strain on both their faces. He knew they loved each other, but he knew the case was wearing on them. He wanted to talk to Alex. He needed to now that she was okay with how things were progressing.

"Alex, can I speak with you for a minute?" he asked her.

George saw them both wince at his question. He knew that they were working on their relationship. Trust wasn't an issue between them. It was their jobs that had kept them apart for so long. He knew that they were both afraid that the undercover case would break them both. He wanted to make sure that Alex was okay. Everyone was worried about Olivia and the case. No one was taking the time to check on Alex. Huang knew that Alex needed to stay strong for both of their sakes.

Alex saw the worry on Liv's face. She knew that Liv was worried about Huang telling Alex everything. Alex wasn't worried because she knew that George was as professional as she was. He would only disclose what was pertinent to the case. Alex knew that she needed to reassure Olivia in her own way. She grabbed Liv's hand as she met them at George's office door.

"I'll be just a minute or two. Don't worry about it. Sit down. Breathe. Relax. Remember that I love you, and everything will be okay," Alex told her as she kissed her cheek.

"I love you, too," Olivia replied, smiling weakly.

Alex followed George into his office. He motioned for Alex to sit on the couch as he took the seat across from it. He knew that Alex was not pleased to be in his office. She hoped it would be a quick visit.

"Alex, how are you doing?"

"I'm…good."

"That doesn't sound like you are so sure about that. I'm not going to push you. I asked you to come in here because I wanted to make sure you had an outlet."

"I do."

"Good. I'm glad. I hope that you can talk to this person whenever you need to, but just in case, I want you to know that you can come to me. I know that you are trying to be strong enough for the both of you, but I don't want you to break if it becomes too much."

"I understand, George. I have someone to talk to, not that I wouldn't come to you. I just feel more comfortable doing this my way. I feel like you have something else you want to discuss with me though," Alex probed.

"I do. I would like to have a session with both of you tomorrow. She wants to start debriefing by the end of the week. I need to make sure that you'll both be able to handle the questions and answers."

"What aren't you telling me, George?"

"You're both protecting each other from being hurt emotionally. You nerves are raw. I can see it. I know you both can see it. You love each other but you both need to be honest with each other as well."

"What do you mean, George? Be plain with me. Just tell me what you mean."

"I think that you both need to discuss the case and its ramifications with each other. I'm suggesting that you do it with guided supervision before we are all in the conference room. Emotions will be running high and Olivia will be the one who feels naked, exposed and raw once we start. She is going to need you more than she wants to admit. You are both strong women, but after the last few years I'm afraid for Olivia."

"You think she'll break?" Alex asked, now painfully aware of what George was saying.

"I don't know. I think it could be a possibility. She is scared. She is coming to grips with Julie. She knows how deep her love for you flows. She is scared of something but I'm not quite sure what it is. It has her rattled to the core. I know that between the two of us we can help her. Can you help?"

"Absolutely."

"Are you willing to do anything for her?"

"Of course, I love her."

"Can you walk away if that is what she needs?"

"No matter how much it'll hurt me, yes. I leave if she needs me to. But, does she?" Alex asked.

He watched Alex sink into the couch dumbfounded. The possibility of not being with Olivia had never been entertained. He knew what he said had hurt her, but he had to know for Olivia's well-being. He knew that they were good together.

"George?"

"No, she doesn't. I needed to know how far you are willing to go for her. We both agree that she needs the best. I don't want to see her hurt and she is hurting. There is so much that she had to face and realize while she was undercover. I don't think that she has fully come to terms with it all. This weekend only served to prove that. I know that it why she wanted to come back so fast. She is trying to deal with this mostly on her own."

"It is how Olivia processes things," Alex stated.

"We both know that. It has to do with her past. But, I think that you can help her come out of that shell finally. She knows that she has a huge support system but she doesn't use it. She is so used to being on her own that I think she might plan something."

"What do you mean?"

"She told me that you asked her to move in and that she agreed. I think that this is a good idea because you will have each other. Plus, you two are working on a relationship. I am just worried that she might use this as a reason to run. She isn't emotionally ready for that commitment. She is scared and walking blindly through the emotionally trying issues she is facing."

"She did shut down when she heard the motorcycles at the Cape."

"She did what?"

"She didn't tell you?" Alex asked.

"No, she didn't tell me that she was having aversions. Was there anything else? Can you tell me about anything else about what happened?" Huang questioned.

"She didn't tell you?" Alex questioned, again.

"No, Alex, she didn't tell me anything that happened at the Cape."

Alex stood up and moved to the door. George watched her, intrigued by the rawness in Alex's face. She paused for a moment as she grabbed the handle and turned around to Huang to address him. Her eyes were on fire, but sad at the same time.

"We will both be here tomorrow, George. I'll make sure of it. Don't book any other sessions. Agent Olivia Benson will be taking up most of your day."

Olivia saw the change in Alex when she came out of Huang's office. She didn't look worried anymore. She actually looked angry, but Liv couldn't think about what George would have said that would have set Alex off that bad. She sat on the couch in their FBI issued apartment. Alex had gone to Dana's to get Xander's things moving him in with them. She didn't even explain why she was upset to Liv. When she got back with Xander's things, she put them in Olivia's room. She stood in the doorway and watched the befuddled Olivia.

"What's wrong?" Olivia finally asked.

"We came back so you could talk to Huang."

"I did. I know that isn't what is bothering you. What did he say to you?"

"He asked for me to come back with you tomorrow. He wants us to have a session together, again. What I was surprised about is what he didn't say to me. He didn't know about the incident at the grocery store. Why didn't you tell him about that?"

"It didn't come up. We were discussing over issues that I had while we were away. Actually we were talking about Frankie for the most part," Olivia told her.

"So, instead of telling him how you froze at the sound of a motorcycle engine, you spent the entire day talking about your ex-girlfriend?"

"Well, when you put it that way, I guess we did. It was something that I needed to explore. I don't know why that upsets you so much. Alex, I needed to talk about it. It was plaguing my dreams. I had to find out why it was bothering so much."

"And, did you find out why?"

"Yes, I did. I guess I wasn't as surprised as I thought I should be. Does it bother you that I spent all day talking about Frankie and not what happened to me at the Cape?" Olivia asked.

"A little yeah, it does."

"Why?"

"Because you froze, Olivia. It scared me. I've never seen you so far…gone. I don't know how else to describe it. When you asked to come back to talk to Huang, I figured that was why you wanted to come back so quickly. I guess I was wrong. I guess I don't know you, anymore."

"Alex, don't. Please don't go there. I needed to come back. I wasn't ready to be out in the open like that. I know that it may take some time before the old Liv comes back and wants to be out in the City enjoying herself, but right now, I need to be alone. I need to comfort of structure and regiment. A life with Xander gives me that," Olivia answered.

"I could give you that, if you'd let me," Alex replied, obviously hurt.

"Oh, Alex, I didn't mean it that way. I do need you. I love you. You have kept me grounded."

"Lot of good that is doing you," Alex stated.

"Stop. Alex, you can't protect me from what already happened. You can only help me be better prepared for it in the future. You can't stop my dreams."

"Better prepared for the future? Are you planning on going back undercover soon? What the hell does that mean, Olivia? What are you talking about?" Alex asked, getting angrier.

"No, I'm not planning on going back undercover again and never with the FBI again. It always ends badly for me somehow. I'm done with the FBI once this trial is over."

"Answer me one question then," Alex demanded.

"Anything," Olivia replied.

"What was so pressing that you had to see Huang so quickly? What was in your nightmare that you didn't tell me? What aren't you telling me, Olivia?"

"Well, first of all, that was three different questions," Olivia replied, trying to lessen the mood.

Alex just stared at her. She still hadn't moved from the doorway. Olivia had stood up. She was pacing the living room area. She ran her hands through her shaggy short hair. She was prepared for this fight. She wasn't prepared for this side of Alex. She knew that Alex was going to fight for her, but she didn't know that Alex was willing to fight her in that process as well.

"Alex, I'm sorry. I was scared of myself. I was scared of what I might do. The motorcycle did trigger some memories, not all of them bad, but it was the feelings that it stirred up inside me that scared me beyond recognition. I was afraid for you more so than myself."

"Why? Why couldn't you just tell me why you wanted to come back? Why all the secrets?"

"It wasn't really a secret. It has been what it always will be when it comes to you. A ghost."

"A ghost? I am a fucking ghost now? What the hell, Olivia? Really?"

"That isn't what I meant. I meant that I will always be worried about you. I…I can't explain it."

"Try me."

"I was scared of what you might see in me. I come from abusive genes. I have fought hard against my dark side, but I realized that Robin had tweaked me in such a manner that I wasn't ready to be unleashed back into the real world. If I had, I would have sought her out on my own and killed her. No remorse. No trial. No cares. I couldn't let you see that. I couldn't let myself become that person. I had to fight my urges."

"But she is in custody," Alex said, plainly.

"I know that, but she isn't in Quantico."

"You were afraid that I would see you borderline homicidal. I've seen you like that before. I've seen you lose it on a perp in an interrogation room. What was so different this time?"

"I didn't want to control the monster," Olivia replied, truthfully.

"Liv…"

"That isn't all of it. I needed to know why I was so bent on killing Robin. I needed to explore my relationship with Frankie. I didn't want to upset you with it, so I decided that I would talk to George about it. I knew that he would ask the questions that I couldn't ask myself."

"Like what? Did you love her? I would like to know those answers too," Alex responded.

"I know you do, but I needed to know what was driving me."

"And?"

"It was you. I was trying to protect you. I was still fighting the ghost that I couldn't protect you from. I was so afraid that you were going to get hurt. I wasn't going to able to stop Robin if she came after you, that I didn't know what to do. I wanted to kill her to save you."

"I don't follow," Alex told her.

"I lost you once to a man they called 'the Ghost.' I couldn't lose you to a ghost of my own making. I couldn't let Robin take you from me. I would take her out before she could get to you, before she could hurt you, before she knew about you. It was the only thought that I had. I had to protect you, but in doing so, I would have to leave you. It was the only way that I could see it working. I would be protecting you from Robin and protecting you from knowing the monster that I had always been destined to become," Olivia explained.

"That is the biggest load of horse shit that I have ever heard. You were going to leave to protect me? You were running? I could see it in your eyes. I can see it now. If you want me to go, just tell me. I'll go. But, don't stand there and tell me that you would leave me because you love me and to protect me."

Olivia looked at her in bewilderment. Alex was pissed. She was fighting mad and she was going to fight Olivia. Olivia had never seen this side of an angry Alex and she was afraid that she might actually push Alex away, for good this time. There might not be a way to come back from it. Olivia was scared. This was not the reaction that she was looking for. Hell, this wasn't even a possibility in her mind.

"Alex…"

"Don't you fucking Alex me. Olivia, you just told me that you wanted to leave me, with your son, so you could go kill someone. I am supposed to be happy about that. You couldn't have told me this at the Cape. You couldn't have warned me that you were planning on turning into some irrational homicidal maniac that I was going to have possibly try."

"Alexandra…" Olivia started as she crossed the room to Alex.

"No, you don't get to speak yet," Alex told her, her eyes burning with fury and passion, "I came down her because you were hurt. I came here because I love you and I wanted to help you get better. I came her for you, no one else you. Do you remember why? I do. I still have the letter you sent me. I must have read it a thousand times a day. All because of one phrase: I love you, Alex. That simple but explosive phrase kept me going for over a year. I couldn't wait for your phone call, another letter, a post card, anything. Instead, I got Special Agent Dana Lewis in Cragen's office telling me that they had lost you."

Olivia watched her. She watched how Alex's eyes danced with every word. She watched as Alex's body bowed up ready for anything. She had never seen Alex this wound up.

"And, do you what happened? I broke. I thought you were gone. I thought you were dead. For thirty minutes, I sat in that office thinking that the worst possible things had happened to you and I hadn't been there for you. Oh, you should hear some of the crazy scenarios that my mind came up with. But, do you know what hurt me the most? That I would never be able to tell you that I loved you as well. It broke my heart. It would be my third strike. I would never get the chance."

"Third strike?"

"The night 'the Ghost' shot me, strike one. The day after 'the Ghost's' trial, strike two. This would have been my third strike. I am tired of fighting ghosts, Olivia. I am tired of the world trying to keep us apart and us letting them.

"We are soul mates. We deserve each other and better than this. I know that you aren't a killer. You have never and never could do anything like that. No matter the want. Next time trust me enough to tell me what is going on. Be prepared for me to be angry but talk to me. I can't help you if you can't trust me to try. I love you, damn it," Alex explained.

Olivia didn't know what to say. Alex was standing there reading her the riot act and making perfect sense. She hadn't known what she was thinking; only what she was feeling and it scared her. She knew she should have told Alex was going on in her head, but she was afraid that she would frighten her. She was scared of losing her, as well, for good.

"I'm sorry. I was worried about losing you. I don't exactly think well when it comes to losing you. I try to over analyze and think things, often making them worse."

"Yes, you do," Alex said, shoving her against the wall, "Now for once, do me a huge favor and listen to me. Shut up and kiss me."


	29. Chapter 28- Late

**Chapter Twenty-Eight - Late**

Xander cried out into the night. Olivia and Alex were both at his side, quickly. Olivia picked him up and he immediately stopped crying. It was times like these that Alex fell in love with her more. There was just something about the way Olivia was with him that melted Alex's heart. Olivia felt the same way when she saw Alex with him.

"What does he need?" Alex asked, groggily.

"I think that he is hungry. Will you go make him a bottle? I'll change him, too, just in case."

"Of course," Alex said as she made her way to the kitchen.

Olivia changed him quickly and was holding him in the rocker that Dana had provided them. Alex watched as Olivia rocked and cooed him. Alex couldn't help but melt at the sight of Olivia and Xander. It was like they belonged together, mother and child. She smiled as she handed Olivia the warmed bottle. Olivia smiled back at her.

Alex noted that it was the first time in the last few days that she could see Olivia's love through her smile. She couldn't wait for them to get home. Alex knew that scenes like this would become more and more regular. It was in that instant that she knew that she would do anything for Olivia. They had both become her family. Xander was as much hers as he was Olivia's.

"Go back to bed, Alex. I'll stay up with him. There is no need in both of us being tired. Go get some sleep. I'll be okay. Once he goes back to sleep, I'll come back to bed," Olivia told her.

"We can sleep in here," Alex stated.

Olivia watched as she left the room. She quickly came back carrying a handful of pillows. Alex dropped them on the bed and then walked back to Olivia. She kissed her, fully on the mouth with a hint of passion and desire. But, Alex turned away from Olivia before the kiss could get any deeper. Alex yawed as she walked over to the double bed.

Olivia watched her climb in and get settled. She smiled as her as Alex drifted off to sleep again. Liv watched as Alex's breathing got deeper and slower. It didn't take long for her to drift away. Olivia admired her for that. There were no demons to keep her awake. There were no nightmares to fight hoping for a good night's rest. No, Alex could go to sleep once she was comfortable. Liv wondered if she would ever be that lucky again.

She waited until Xander finished the bottle. She burped him and slowly rocked him until he fell asleep. He slept as easily as Alex did. Olivia smiled. Xander was lucky to have them both as his mothers. She could only hope that Alex would agree to adopt him, too, later once they were back in New York. Liv couldn't think of a reason that she wouldn't want to make Xander hers.

She looked back down at the blond haired boy, who was now sleeping in her arms. She placed him back into the crib, kissed him on the head, and watched him for a minute or two. Olivia then joined Alex in the bed. For once, sleep didn't evade her. Olivia curled up to Alex and immediately went to sleep. Olivia couldn't have been happier at that moment.

Tomorrow was another day. Tomorrow they had a session with Huang. Tomorrow they would face it together and if Olivia had her way, it would become a lot of tomorrows, together as a family. Tomorrow was a new day that they would share in their life together.

Alex woke up, quite refreshed. She was amazed at how well she had slept holding Liv after she had come back to bed after putting Xander back down. Olivia has cuddled up to Alex immediately and found sleep quickly. Alex smiled as she got out of bed.

She was hungry. She made her way into the small apartment kitchen. She started preparing a bottle for Xander, knowing that he would want it soon. She knew that Olivia would wake soon. She would be in the kitchen with Alex as soon as Olivia realized that Alex wasn't in bed. She wasn't surprised when she felt Liv's hands coming around her middle.

"Morning," Liv whispered in Alex's ear as she molded her body to Alex's.

"Morning," Alex replied, leaning back into Liv's warmth.

"You are beautiful," Liv told her.

"I just woke up and am making our son a bottle. I haven't had a shower. I doubt that I am beautiful. What do you want for breakfast?"

"You?"

"Now, Detective, I hardly think that classifies as a healthy breakfast."

"That depends on your classification of healthy, Counselor," Liv teased.

"We need to eat something good. We are going to see Huang. He said that any time after ten AM would be good. It is eight thirty now. I don't know about you, but I hardly think that gives us enough time," Alex told her.

"You are very imaginary my dear, Alex."

"Oh, I have a very vivid imagination. It has served me well. But, today, my imagination and my desires will have to wait. We need to get going. Here, go feed Xander," Alex told her as she handed her the bottle. "I'll make a quick breakfast and then I'm getting in the shower."

"Alone?"

"That my dear, depends on how fast you decide to eat," Alex teased her, shoving her out of the kitchen to go feed Xander.

Alex could hear Olivia shocked intake of breath followed by a desirous moan. She chuckled at Olivia's obvious early morning desire. It wasn't that Alex wasn't interested, she knew that if they did have sex, that neither of them would be very truthful and forthcoming later. They would both be too afraid of the truth and emotions that it would cause. Being that open now would cause them to close up later, afraid that they wouldn't find the closeness they shared while they were together in bed.

She quickly scrambled some eggs. She fried some bacon and toasted some bread. It was a cliché breakfast, but it worked. She hoped that it would be enough to last time until Huang would have them break for lunch. She dished everything out, equally, on two plates. She sat down at the table and started eating.

Olivia joined her. She didn't eat the breakfast the same way that Alex did. She grabbed her toast and made a bacon and egg sandwich. She quickly ate it and was staring at Alex, who was staring at her.

"What?"

"Did you even taste that?" Alex asked.

"Yeah, it was good. I like bacon and egg sandwiches. Did I do something wrong?"

"No. I just figured that you would sit here and eat it with me. I wasn't prepared for you to inhale your food that fast. Don't worry about it. I'm not upset," Alex told her.

"Sorry, if I can make it portable I do. It is one of the hazards of being a cop. Sometimes you can only eat on the run. You learn really quickly where you can get something that will fill your gut, quickly, cheaper and not be very messy. This was perfect."

"Thanks, I think."

"It was a compliment. Besides, I think you said something about me finishing my breakfast that I might get to join you in the shower. I've finished mine, what about you?"

Alex looked down at her plate and then at Olivia. She could see the seriousness in Liv's coffee-colored eyes. She could see the want and the desire reflected in them. Alex put down her fork and took Liv's hand. She stood up and pulled Olivia behind her, towards the shower.

Olivia followed her willingly. When they stopped in the bedroom that Alex had been using, Olivia was worried that she would make her wait and take a shower on her own. She was surprised when Alex sat her on the bed.

Alex sat Olivia down and told her not to move. Olivia stared at her wide eyed. Alex looked over at the alarm clock. It was barely nine. She decided that she would tease Olivia just a little. They had time to shower and make it to Huang's office with time to spare. She would give Olivia a taste, let her know how much she craved Olivia's touch and love, give her something that would make Olivia want more…later.

Alex reached into the closet and grabbed a Harvard t-shirt and some jeans. She grabbed some underwear. Olivia just sat there dumbfounded and watched. Alex stopped in front of the bathroom door. She turned back to Olivia and made sure that she had Liv's full and undivided attention. Olivia was wrapped up in Alex's movements. She couldn't turn away if she tried. It was then, when Alex saw the look in Olivia's eyes, that she made her move. Slowly, painstakingly, she started to undress.

Olivia's eyes got wider as the simple white shirt that Alex slept in came off. When Alex shimmied out of her yoga pants, Olivia gripped the bed tighter, hoping it would keep her on it. She watched as Alex put her thumbs inside the waist band of her panties. Her breathing became labored and erratic. Alex locked eyes with Olivia as she slowly, seductively removed them over her hips, her thighs, her knees, her calves, her ankles, and then off. She spun them around one of her fingers before sling-shooting them at the waiting Olivia.

Alex watched carefully as Olivia plucked the projectile panties out of the air. Alex gave her a wicked grin and sauntered into the bathroom. Olivia immediately gave chase, shutting the door behind her as she entered the bathroom. Alex had nowhere to hide and certainly nowhere to go, so she decided to use herself against Olivia's obviously heightened libido. She kissed Olivia.

Olivia parted her mouth and deepened the kiss. Alex allowed her to deepen the kiss. Alex moaned as Olivia pushed her against the bathroom door, slightly lifting her off the ground as she continued to kiss her. The added height from being lifted gave Olivia better access to Alex's neck. She nuzzled it for a few seconds before she began to kiss the soft skin and Alex's pulse point. Alex purred at the sensation.

Alex wrapped her arms around Olivia's neck and shoulders, as Olivia continued to feast on her throat. Alex pulled her against herself hard, needing to feel Olivia's muscles crushing against her bare skin. Olivia's hands were everywhere, all over her skin and Alex could only want more. Olivia pushed her further into the door and gripped her ass lifting her further off the floor. Alex rewarded the movement by wrapping her legs around Olivia's waist.

"Alex…"

"Liv…please."

"You were the one who wanted to go slow. I'm going slow. Do you want something else now, Counselor?" Olivia teased her as she descended to Alex's collar bone.

Alex moaned and arched off the door into Olivia. Olivia took her weight willingly. She let Olivia hold her against the door. She could see Olivia's passion building in her eyes. Olivia wanted more. She wanted to give Alex more. She needed more. She snaked a hand down Alex's side and to the door knob. Olivia clinched it in her hand as she turned it. She pulled Alex up and away from the door.

She cradled Alex as she pulled the door open. Alex turned staring into the open doorway. Olivia shifted Alex's weight and sent them stumbling into the bedroom. Olivia righted them and made her way to the bed. She deposited Alex on the bed, staring down into Alex's sky blue eyes.

"We're going to be late," Alex told her.

"I don't care."

"Olivia…"

"I love you," Olivia told her, as she came up Alex's body.

Alex froze beneath her. She didn't know what to say. It wasn't that she wasn't happy that Olivia had just confessed her love to her, again. It was something else, something that had been nagging at her since the night before.

Olivia watched the change in Alex's eyes, but she didn't move. She didn't say anything. She waited for Alex to come back to her, to the moment. She didn't have to wait long.

"Liv, honey," Alex stated.

"Yes?"

"No matter what happens today, promise me that you'll tell me the truth and be open about everything," Alex demanded.

"Of course, Alex, I have nothing to hide."

"I don't want you to lie to spare my feelings. I need to know what happened. We need to face it together now. Promise me that, please."

Olivia stared down into Alex's eyes. The depth of feeling that she saw reflected in Alex's eyes almost made Olivia cry. She didn't know what was spurring Alex's sudden need, but she would willingly tell her anything about what happened in Atlanta if it would make her wounded look go away.

"I promise, Alex. I promise. Why are you so worried about it? What is eating at you?"

"Us," Alex replied.

"Care to explain that further?" Olivia asked with a sudden shock in her voice.

"I don't want our relationship to make you think twice about your testimony. I don't care if it will hurt me. I don't care if it will anger me. I need you to always tell me the truth."

"Yes, Alex, you know I will. Look at me. Alex, look at me. What brought this on?"

"I just don't want things to be different because we're together. I don't want you to think that you have to protect me from your life, your memories, or your nightmares. I want you to be able to tell me anything, anytime, anywhere for any reason."

"Alex, I love you. I'm not going to sugarcoat what happened. I need to let it out as much as you need to hear it. I know that you are only trying to help me. I need you to know what happened so you'll know where I am coming from in the future. But, Alex, look at me. I know that things may get bad later and they might be difficult to hear. But, there is one thing that you never need to worry about when it comes to me," Olivia explained to her.

"And, what is that?"

"It is something simple. It is something that I should have told you so many times before now. It is something that I plan on saying for years…that is if you'll let me."

"What is it? Olivia, tell me. Please."

"Alexandra Cabot, I love you."

Alex melted. She kissed Olivia, hard and passionately. She turned to look at the clock, one more time.

"Olivia, we are going to be late."

"I don't care," Olivia told her as she sat back and tore her wife beater off, "Huang can wait. You shouldn't have to, and damn it, I'm not."


	30. Chapter 29- Later

**A/N: After much debate and reviews, I've decided to give you some more. Lol...those of you who are faithful readers will understand this. For those of you who have just stumbled upon this chapter, here is your disclaimer: two women in love, yes there is sex. Don't like it move on. Yes, there is some foul language...don't like it, move on. No, I don't own the characters, just the words. I am doing this for fun, not profit or gain. As always, please review and tell me what you think. I hope to have another chapter or two up this week, cause next weekend I'll be out of town for Pride! with my family and will probably not have anytime. But, since I left y'all hanging last chapter, I decided to give you some much needed dessert for sticking with me. Just hang in there, more to come, I promise. ~JET**

**Chapter Twenty-Nine - Later**

Alex looked up into Olivia's eyes. She swore she could see into the depths of Olivia's soul and all she saw was love. Her heart cried out in passion. Her body cried out in desire. Her mind cried out in need.

Olivia felt Alex melt against her. She knew that Alex had lost the battle with reason and she was going to take advantage of Alex's passion. She suddenly had to feel Alex. She wanted to touch her skin, to map her body and memorize it's every curve. She wanted to know which areas made Alex cry out in ecstasy. Liv would notate these areas and make sure to take full advantage of them later, whenever the need would arise.

Alex's hand flew up to Olivia's body. She admired the contrast of her alabaster skin against Liv's darker shade. Alex thought about it. They were like yin and yang, the light and the dark, so different but yet, so much the same. She touched Olivia's cheek and brought Liv's mouth to her own.

This kiss was different than any they had shared before. The passion had become consuming. The desire was too great and Olivia was falling. She battled Alex's tongue for entry and control. Alex was never one that gave up her position or control easily, but Liv knew that she could convince her. She tried to deepen the kiss again, only to be shut down. Alex wanted Olivia, they both knew that, but what Alex was going to Olivia, was how she wanted her.

Alex needed to regain control of the situation. She needed to feel her passion and desire but she needed to do it in a controlled manner. She didn't want Liv to think that she was a complete wanton, which she was for Olivia. She wanted to please Olivia. She wanted Olivia naked, beneath her, begging for a release that only she could give. She wanted…

Olivia finally broke through Alex's defense and kissed all reason out of her blond head. Alex, not to be out done by Liv's mouth and tongue, used her hands. She moved her hands up between them and just as Olivia thought that she was going to push Liv away, she grabbed ahold of each breast. She rolled Liv's bosom in her adept hands enjoying the weight of them. Liv moaned at the contact and pulled up, arching slightly, to allow Alex better access. Alex took the opportunity to pinch and tease her nipples. Liv cried out in pleasure. Alex just smiled.

Liv was losing and she didn't care. If Alex was touching her, pleasing her, then she was winning. She didn't care that she was moaning like there was no tomorrow. She didn't care that Alex was eliciting sounds from her body that she'd never heard. She didn't care as long as it was Alex who was the one that was doing it.

"Alexandra…"

There was always something in the way that Olivia said her name. Not just her name, but her whole name, the way it rolled off her tongue. It drove Alex wild. She wondered if Olivia knew that. Liv was the only one who called her Alexandra, besides her cousins, and it was only behind closed doors. It might be the way it sounded when Liv said it. But, every time it is like pure sex dripping from Liv's mouth in a plea of pure wanton admiration that would cause any woman to fold and do her bidding. Alex couldn't help it. Olivia was just sex on stick in a leather coat.

Alex shook her head, willing herself back into the moment. She hated it when she tended to over analyze and think too much. It always turned play back into work. No, right now, she definitely wanted to play. She wanted Olivia and she wanted to be with Olivia for a long time.

"Alexandra…"

Alex snapped her head back to Olivia's and kissed her again. This time she allowed Olivia to deepen the kiss. It was a ploy that Liv didn't see coming. While Liv was deepening their kiss, Alex stopped fondling her breasts and wrapped her arms and legs around Olivia's torso. She waited until Liv leaned into the kiss and was off balance before she made her move.

Alex dropped one leg to the bed in a manner feigning stretching. As soon as her foot was flat on the bed, she used it to push off with. Olivia might have her by two inches and a few pounds, but Alex wasn't going to be undone with doing some undoing of her own. She used the rocking motion and Liv's state of unbalance to roll them over, changing their positions.

Liv stared up into her radiant blue eyes and smiled. Alex was a force to be reckoned with, in and out of the courtroom. Liv was finding that included their private life as well. Alex ran her hands over Liv's cheeks, down the column of her throat, over her shoulders, across her collar bones and stopped at the rise of each breast.

"Alex, please…"

Alex smiled down at her. She did want Liv to beg, but the pleas weren't as necessary as pleasing Olivia at the moment. She played with her breasts for a few moments as she watched Liv's eyes darken in pleasure. She glanced over Liv's body in the morning light noticing the goose bumps on her exposed flesh. Alex wanted to see more. She needed to touch her.

"Alexandra…please, baby, touch me…"

Alex needed no other prompting. She sat back on her heels, across Liv's hips. She gave Olivia a perfectly beautiful and carnal smile. Her hands moved quickly to the shorts that Liv was wearing. She glanced down at them as she tossed them aside. She burned her gaze into Olivia's flesh as she took in her entire beauty.

Olivia surrendered her body to Alex's touch. Her eyes lightened to an almost caramel color as Alex swept her gaze over Liv's body. Liv could feel her body respond, but she wanted more. She wanted to feel Alex on her, in her, around her. The need to feel Alex was becoming consuming, desirous, wantonly and Liv didn't care. She would beg if need be, but all she wanted was Alex to touch her, to make her Alex's, to burn her flesh with the warmth of Alex's breath and kiss. Olivia's mind began to wander, imagining the delicious ways in which Alex was going to just touch her.

Alex must have read her mind, to a degree. She moved down Liv's perfectly toned and honed body appreciating every glorious inch of it on her way. She smiled up at Olivia as she settled herself between Olivia's thighs. She stared at Liv's sex and took deep breaths of the highly arousing aroma emanating from it. Liv propped herself up on her elbows to see what Alex was about, just in time to see Alex flick her tongue into her folds.

Alex moaned as her tongue made contact with Liv's precious center. Liv threw her head back and groaned out in pleasure. Alex understood the unspoken words. She wrapped her hands under Liv's thighs and came up around her hips, holding Liv in place as she kissed her apex. Liv tried to watch, but the sensation was too much. Every time she would raise her head, she would throw it back and fall back to the bed. After the fourth attempt, Liv swore that she heard Alex giggle as her lips wrapped around Liv's core.

Alex flicked her eyes towards Liv's, hoping to catch a glance of Liv's beautiful, pleasurable destruction. She was finally rewarded with a long glimpse. Liv had somehow managed to maneuver the pillows up under herself, propping her up at angle to watch Alex. Alex smiled against Liv and dug her tongue deeper into Liv. Liv moaned, loudly. Her hands found their way into Alex's hair. She gathered all of Alex's hair to one side of her head and held on to it like it was rope to an anchor, Alex being her anchor. Alex continued to watch the wondrous thoughts cross Liv's mind.

Olivia was lost. She was in heaven or somewhere like it. She couldn't think about anything but Alex's tongue doing wonderfully passionate things to her clit and core. More than once, she bucked up, aching for more, only to be pulled back down onto the bed by the deceptively strong arms of the blonde. Yes, Liv was lost in a sea of passion and Alex was her only anchor.

"Alex…"

"Yes, Love?" she said, never stopping her motions.

"Sweet mother of…Alex!"

Alex smirked and gave a little laugh. She didn't stop. She couldn't stop. Olivia's taste had become her nectar. It was her manna and she meant to have every drop. Now that Alex had found Olivia, she wouldn't be able to quit her if she tried. She would need to taste her every chance that she could. Olivia was intoxicating, in more ways than her taste.

Olivia grabbed the sheets with her free hand. She pulled up on Alex's hair, hoping to guide her deeper. She thrashed under the expertise of Alex's touch. She couldn't keep herself grounded, no matter how hard she tried, she continued to soar through the heavens.

"Alex!"

Alex didn't stop. She knew how close Olivia was. She felt Liv tug on her hair and it drove her deeper. She knew that Liv would need to come and soon. Her body was so wound up and tight, Alex thought she might explode if she didn't let Liv come quickly.

"Alex…"

Alex let her hips go. She moved one hand to Liv's taught stomach and pushed her back down on the bed. The other she moved between Liv's legs. Alex returned her gaze to Liv's as she plunged two fingers to the hilt of Liv's core.

"Fuck, Alex…yes…YES!"

Alex smiled, again. She loved it when she saw Olivia lose control and let go. It was an awesomely beautiful sight. Alex turned her hand over and curled her fingers. She brushed the buried tips against the sensitive spot there a few times as she nipped harder with her mouth on her clit. Olivia didn't stand a chance.

"ALEX!" she screamed.

Alex didn't stop. She continued to draw another cry, another scream, another moan from the detective beneath her. Alex wanted her to know how much she wanted her. Alex wanted to burn herself on Liv's skin. She wanted Liv to believe how beautiful she was and know what it did to Alex, every second of every day. She wanted to coax another body numbing climax from her. She wasn't disappointed.

"Fuck…fuck…Alex…stop…don't stop…dear…ALEX…don't stop, baby…please…please…Alex…don't stop…ALEX…yes, yes…there…oh, my fucking...sweet mother of all that is holy, woman…let me come! Alexandra, let me come," Liv begged.

"Then come," Alex said, still not moving from Liv's center.

The words sent shockwaves deep inside. The vibrations proved to the catalyst that Liv was seeking. She floated into oblivion with Alex's name Alexandra dripping from her lips. Alex smiled, as she relented and backed up as far as she could from Liv's core.

"Baby?"

"Hmm?" Liv managed, her consciousness still in the clouds.

"Let go of my hair, so I can move. Or, I delve back in. Unfortunately, I believe that it would be torturous for you, now, instead of pleasurable," Alex told her.

"Wha?"

"Liv, relax you hand and let go of my hair."

Liv looked down at the blonde. She smiled at the sight of Alex between her legs, looking rather smugly with herself, as her own hand was buried deeply in Alex's blond hair. Their eyes met and slowly, painstakingly Liv release her fingers from Alex's hair.

"Sorry…"

"Don't be."

"I just…"

"Got caught up in the moment, I know. It's okay, Liv. You didn't hurt me. I just couldn't move. You had me pinned to you by my hair," Alex told her.

Liv chuckled and raised her hands, beckoning Alex to her.

"What is so funny detective?"

"That I had you pinned by your own hair."

"You find that amusing?"

"I love your hair."

Alex laughed. She couldn't help it. She knew that Olivia was aware that she wasn't making sense. She was too thoroughly loved to be coherent at the moment.

"Alex?"

"Yes, Love?"

"What time were we supposed to be at Huang's?" Olivia asked.

"Ten o'clock, why?"

"What time is it now?"

"After eleven, why?"

"Have we called him to tell him that we are running late?"

"No, why?"

"Because, he is probably worried. And, I want my turn with you. That is, as soon as I can feel my toes again," Liv told her.

"I'll text him. I'm sure that he'll understand. Just relax. I'll be right back," Alex stated, as she got of the bed.

She crossed the room, gathered her phone and checked it. There were two missed calls, one from Huang and one from Dana. She decided to call them both instead of texting. Huang was just happy that they were okay and she promised to meet with him after lunch. Dana told her that everything was fine and to take her time and enjoy. Alex had no idea what that meant and could only hope that Dana hadn't come over while they were making love.

Olivia watched the usual stoic blonde blush. She looked over at her quizzically and waited for an explanation. When Alex came back to the bed, with no answers, Liv knew that she would have to drag it from her.

"Alex?"

"Yes?"

"Why did you blush?"

"Either Dana came over while we were…um…in bed, or they sent someone here to make sure we were okay. Whoever it was, I am sure that they got an earful. You weren't exactly quiet."

"Does that bother you?" Liv asked.

"No, it doesn't, but…"

"What did Dana tell you?" Liv questioned.

"She told me not to worry about missing any appointments today. We were to take it slow and enjoy. She actually told us to take our time that our sessions and briefings could be rescheduled for a later time."

Olivia laughed. She had a huge smile on her face when Alex was glaring at her. Olivia couldn't help herself. She reached out, pulling Alex down to her.

"Don't worry about them, Alex."

"But, they all know what we were doing, how can I not?"

"Are we not allowed to find pleasure together?"

"I didn't say that."

"Does being with me embarrass you?" Olivia asked her, suddenly serious.

"NO! I just…I like my privacy. I don't want them to know when we have…um…you know."

"Then you can't smile like that in front of them," Liv teased her.

"Like what?"

"Like I've just fucked my girlfriend thoroughly and I dare you to do better smile."

"I do not."

"Alex, I love you. I love what you do to me. But, Darling, every time your smile gives you away. It is one of the many things that I love about you. Now, lay back and let me return the favor. We have a time table to keep for after lunch and I plan on making sure you make it to all your appointments," Olivia explained.

"What about your appointments?"

"They are the same as yours. Now, shut up and kiss me. Or, so help me, I'll get the in the shower alone and you'll have to wait until later."

"Yes, ma'am," Alex answered.

She wrapped her hands around Olivia's neck. She pulled her down to her lips and kissed her. Both of them smiled, knowing that there was no way Olivia was going to get in the shower alone. Olivia made her forget her embarrassment as she made passionate love to her.


	31. Chapter 30- Share

**Chapter Thirty - Share**

George watched them as they came in, hand in hand, and smiling. He didn't mind the delay when he saw the look on Liv's face. She finally seemed to have found some peace. He was happy that Alex could help her find it, too.

"Afternoon, ladies," he said, escorting them into his office.

"George," Alex replied in salutation.

"Hey," Liv stated.

"I am glad to see that you both doing well. Please have a seat. We can get started, if you're ready," he told them.

"I'm ready," Liv said taking her seat on the couch.

Alex sat down beside her. George noted their proximity to each other but didn't comment on it. He knew that their relationship was blossoming and he was happy that they had each other, finally. He knew that Liv would need her, as she told him everything. Liv would need Alex's support and understanding. He knew that in his office as they discussed the case together that Liv would have it.

"Good. Good. Alex, are you ready?"

"Yes," Alex replied, simply.

Huang nodded. Alex was here for support, not to be questioned. She had shut him down before he could press anything. He got her point, made note of it for later, and decided to move on.

"Olivia, last time you told me that you think that you are ready to give your debrief."

"Yeah, I think it's time. I mean, don't you? I've gotten better. I know that talking to you has helped me deal with some issues, but I think that I need to let Dana know so they can start the indictments," Liv told him.

"They already have some indictments, Olivia. They need you mainly for your testimony about what happened while you were undercover. If you do give them more information, I am sure that they will seek more indictments. The authorities in Georgia are awaiting our information as well. They plan on trying them as well, depending on how many years they get federally."

"That sounds good," Olivia answered.

"Are you nervous?"

"A little," Liv stated.

"Why?"

"I don't know."

"I'm sure that you do. What happened, Olivia? Why does your undercover information scare you so much? What happened?" George pushed.

"Nothing major, that you don't already know. I don't know what it is, but it is like if I don't talk about everything then I don't have to worry about it. Does that make sense?"

"It does. But, I need you to open and honest with, Liv. I need you to tell everything that happened, good or bad. We need to sort through it all. I know that might be hard for you, but that is why Alex is here. We are here to help you."

"I know that."

"Then, what else is bothering you?"

"Robin?"

"Are you still having the nightmares?"

"Some, yes, but they are getting better."

"Are they still bothering you as much?"

"No, because I know that they aren't real," Liv told him.

"How do you know that? What has changed with the nightmares? What changed with you?"

"I realized how much I love Alex. I know that Alex is here to support me and with that support, I know that I am going to be alright. That with her help, I am going to get through this and be able to testify. She is going to be with and she isn't going to leave me. I know that she loves me, that I love her back, and we are going to be together when we get back to New York."

"That is good. You have a basis to work with and use as a motivator. But, you haven't told me what changed with the nightmares. What is it?" George probed.

"I know they are dreams because it isn't Frankie anymore," Liv stated, grabbing Alex's hand.

"It isn't Frankie? Then who is it? Can you tell me?"

"It has turned into Alex," Liv said, hanging her head.

Alex grabbed their hands with her free hand and held it. She had thought as much, but she didn't want to push Liv. She needed Liv to tell her herself. She knew that she felt safer in the office with Huang and that Liv wouldn't run. She was upset that Liv couldn't tell her these kinds of things when they were alone, together, but somewhere inside she understood Liv's thoughts.

"That bothers you?"

"Of course it does. I am frightened that Robin will try something to Alex. I am scared that I won't be able to get to Alex in time to save her. My nightmares are a mixture of memories and what ifs. I know they are dreams because Alex is in them, but that doesn't make them any less painful to sleep through. When I know that it is Alex in the dream, I try to find something to wake myself up. I look for something else in the dream that isn't real or part of my memories. If I focus on that long enough, I can force myself to wake," Olivia told them both.

"Does it bother you to have to do that?" Alex asked, joining the conversation.

"I guess it should, but it really doesn't. I know that you aren't really in any danger. It is just my mind fucking with me and my memories. I try to decompress before I go to sleep. I try to remind myself that Robin in custody, but sometimes that isn't enough," Liv admitted.

"Why do you think that is, Olivia?" Huang asked her.

"I am scared."

"Of what?"

"Robin," she said simply.

"Why?"

"Because I watched her destroy lives because she thought it was fun. Because I know what she is capable of doing. Because I know that she hates me," Olivia answered.

"Besides the situations with Frankie, what else did she do?"

"She just ruined lives. It was all a game to her. If it brought her pleasure, regardless of who it hurt, she did it."

"Can you give us an example?" Alex asked.

"Alright, one time we are at the strip running the bikes. We were racing each other. There was another biker. Her name was Tini. She was a badass on a bike. Evidently Robin wanted to bring her down a notch or something. She personally challenged Tini to a race. They set up and everything was looking good. Tini had the edge. Everyone there knew that. Robin knew it, too, but she was didn't care. She wanted to bring Tini down."

"What did she do, Olivia?" Huang pushed.

"She hid a stick in bike. As they progressed down the strip, Robin pulled it out. She shoved it in Tini's wheel. The bike skidded and slid. Tini didn't have time to ditch it. She went with the bike. When Robin got to the line, she didn't care that Tini was hurt, stuck, pinned under her own bike, all Robin cared about was that she won."

"Did anyone see her put the stick in Tini's wheel?"

"I don't know. We knew it happened. But, we all learned a lesson that day. It didn't matter how badass your bike was, Robin would win the race. It was safer for yourself, your body and your bike. It had become a silent agreement with the rest of us. Robin got the desired outcome."

"What did you do about it?" Huang asked.

"I knew that I had to help Tini and stir clear of Robin as much as possible. I knew that I couldn't make too many waves within the gang. I had to save those I could and still get the information that the FBI needed in order to shut them all down. I needed to be able to tell them who the big wigs were and who the peons were."

"Why were you worried about that so early in the investigation?"

"I needed to let Russell know. I knew that peons were scared. They weren't in the gang because the wanted to be at that point. They were still in it because they were afraid of Robin. Robin had turned a probably decent biker social club into something twisted. Don't get me wrong, some of the other leaders weren't great, but they were way better than Robin."

"You did turn in the hierarchy to Russell fairly quickly. Dana said that she was impressed with the speed in which she got the information from you in the beginning. What changed? Was it Frankie?" Huang asked.

He watched as Olivia shifted on the couch. She didn't let go of Alex's hand and neither did Alex let go of hers. There was however a silent exchange between them. Olivia didn't seem to be happy with the direction of the conversation, but she knew it was necessary. George needed to push her and he knew that Alex was going to be the only thing that was going to help her now.

"I think it was. I wasn't in a very good place emotionally when I went undercover. I don't know what happened in the beginning with me and Frankie. I mean she did pursue me, but it was something else. I mean, I know I loved her in her own way. But, there was something else about Frankie. It was like we were both lost and searching for something to hold on to, something to keep us grounded. We found each other."

"She helped you get deeper in the gang though. Are you sure that it was a beneficial relationship or was she looking for you to usurp Robin?" George asked her.

"I don't know. I never thought about it like that. She could have been. I don't know. D. J. didn't seem to mind me being there. It was like I was the reasoning for the gang, while Robin was the one that wanted to bust down the doors and plow in without thinking. I was the one always thinking. Logistics were what got me my position."

"I've studied your file, Olivia. You've always been good at planning. Sometimes you push with your emotions, but usually your head overrides your heart in the end. I know that you have gone off half-cocked, but it has only got you in trouble a few times. I trust that you learned from those incidents. But, you still went after Frankie on your own. You didn't tell Russell fully what was going on, then. However, you did take the boots. You were planning on the fly, weren't you?"

"I had to. It had become second nature to me at the time. I couldn't wait for all the red tape to get out of the way. I knew that I had to move and quickly. I didn't know what Robin was going to do to her, but I knew that it would be bad. I just couldn't wait…" Liv stated as she started sobbing, slightly.

"You felt like you were doing what was best for Frankie?" Huang asked.

"Yes. I was more worried about Frankie at the time. I had to save her. I knew that Russell and Ike were going to start the raids soon. I didn't have time to make sure that Frankie would be out of the way when they started. I didn't know exactly what Robin had up her sleeve. I had to find Frankie and get her out. I had to protect her and the baby."

"No one blames you for what you did," Alex told her.

"I do. I blame myself. If I had been paying attention to Robin... If I had seen her leave the bar that day, I could have prevented everything. I could have saved Frankie. I could have saved her if I had been more observant. I failed her," Olivia explained.

"You didn't fail her. You went to her. You went to protect her. You went to save her. The only one that failed her was Robin. Robin is the reason that she was in that warehouse. Robin is the reason that you were there. Frankie's death isn't on your hands. I know that we are going to fight about that until we are all blue in the face, but it is the truth. Olivia, you can't blame yourself for Frankie's death. You were there for her. You did everything that you could."

"I know," Liv whispered.

"What do you think pushed you in the end?"

"What do you mean?" Liv asked.

"You turned in testimony or evidence on everyone in the gang. We have a more complete and comprehensive idea of what was going on because of your work. But, something was driving you, other than Frankie. Something that you saw. There was something besides the drugs, the cartels, and the trafficking. What was it?" Huang questioned.

"I found some papers one afternoon in the office, while I was helping Dominique get the bar ready for some gang party. D. J. had left them there. I don't think that she knew they were there. I don't think she knew what was going on. D. J. was smart. He was so damn smart. He was wicked smart. D. J. was into more than drugs."

"Like what, Liv? What else had D. J. gotten into with the gang? What didn't the FBI know?"

"Robin was sadistic. D. J. was smart. He found a way to get in with cartels. They would come up to Savannah and other places. We would run the drugs back to Atlanta with the bikes. That is why it took so long for the FBI and DEA to catch on, large amounts come in but small amounts being moved quickly and in various directions. It was perfect. Three hundred kilos come in a shipment. The bikers were move maybe a kilo or two per bike per pick up. It was a train. Some of the drugs would go to local dealers but the main portions would move to Atlanta. The only reason that anyone caught on to distribution was because of the strength and purity of the product. D. J. didn't cut it. He would flood the market when needed to squeeze out another dealer and rein it in when he wanted to increase profits."

"But, what else did he start doing?" Alex pushed.

"He needed weapons. He had to protect the product and the warehouses he used. He used the girls to move it. He used the bar to launder some of the money. He would cook the books and get the money back into the local economy. It seemed fool proof, but D. J. always wanted more. He wanted to be the new King Pin in Atlanta. He started moving guns, too. The DEA joined the fight because it wasn't just in Atlanta for the drugs. The ATF gave us the head's up about the guns. They were checking the serials and movements of a lot of guns. They would get me the numbers and I would do what I could."

"Is that all?" Huang questioned.

"No," Liv answered.

Alex watched her. She could see Olivia choke down the bile in her throat. She wanted to reassure her. She wanted to let her know that it would be alright to tell them everything. She had to make Olivia understand that they were there to help. She could see Liv shutting down. She could feel her retreating.

"Liv, honey, it's okay. Just tell us what you saw on those papers. Let us know. We can help."

Liv straightened her back. She let go of Alex's hands, much to Alex's dismay. She wiped the tears from her eyes and stared into oblivion. Huang knew she was trying to remember as much detail as she could. Alex was worried that she would have a flashback. Olivia sighed. Slowly she brought her eyes to Alex's.

When the cerulean gaze met the brown, Alex knew it was something horrible. She knew that Olivia was trying to ground herself. She was trying to find an anchor in the here and now so she could tell her story. Alex could only hope that she would be enough.

"What was it, Liv?" George asked, seeing Olivia anchoring to Alex.

"Women."

"What?" Alex asked.

"He was trafficking women."

"How did we miss that?" Huang asked.

"You did, because I did," Olivia answered.

"How did you find out?"

"From the paperwork. It was all there. It was deceptively simple. He would get certain members of his gang and our gang to recruit some young girls. Usually it was at party or some sort of celebration. I had been to many of them, but I guess I was too old for his clientele. But, that wasn't the sickest part," Liv told them.

"What was it?"

"He was using them as mules. He used them to move product across the country. But, that was just the beginning. He saw the profits that could be made by some of the more attractive recruits. They would be sent to Savannah, Birmingham, Miami, Charlotte, and other big cities. There some of these girls would be raped, tortured and kept in warehouses under gang guard. For the right price, you could sample the goods."

"Olivia, we can stop…"

"He was just as sick as Robin, but he never hit any of us. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I sent the paperwork to Russell. He sent a team to verify. When they found a warehouse in Augusta, we knew that paperwork was real. He labeled them like they were actually product. Each girl was given a sku number, a value and a rate. If she was valued at four hundred, then a client could pay up to a ten thousand for a day with that girl."

"Liv…" Alex tried to stop her, but Olivia needed to get it out. She needed for them to know.

"He started looking for specifics for certain clients. He hired a few pros and turned them into madams, basically pimps for him. He gave them each fifteen percent off the top. He would take the next twenty. The girls were allowed fifty percent of what they made to help them stay fit, clothed, fed, and able. It was a win-win situation for the madams and D. J. until one of the girls got pregnant. D. J. didn't want to kill the baby. No, he was adamant that no babies that were a result of the clientele were to be destroyed. Instead the girls were sent to a small farm in Macon," Liv stated before taking a break.

"What farm in Macon?" Huang asked, taking down notes to pass to Dana.

"It was a small operation dairy farm I think. I am not sure what it was called, but one girl that came back told me that they had special cows. They were rare cows for the US or something."

"Could she describe them to you?" Alex asked, trying to move the story along.

"Yeah, they were black and white, but not like a normal dairy cow. She said they didn't look like the cows on TV. They seemed to be all black with just a band of white around the middle. She heard the farmer said that he bred them special. He was the only farm for miles that had them. Something about the closet one was in Gastonia outside of Charlotte in North Carolina."

"That's good, Liv. What else was there? What else do you need to tell us?" Huang pushed.

"The girl told me that they took her kid after it was born. She wasn't even allowed to hold it. She was sent back to her madam two days later. I don't know what happened to the babies, but I sure as Hell know that D. J. never brought any of them to Atlanta with him. He wasn't a harem master. He didn't care about the kids, but he didn't want them to die. They weren't his blood."

"Do you have an idea what happened to the kids?"

"Yeah, I do. I know exactly what happened to the kids. He sold them to parents that could afford them. He sold them on the black market. He sold them overseas to people for whatever reasons they wanted those children. Those kids never had a chance and there is no way that we can get them all back. Half of the mothers are dead anyway. I couldn't get all their names. I tried, but was almost caught every time. D. J. was smart. He kept moving the money, so no one knew what he was doing. If it hadn't been for that arrant piece of paper and that girl, I would have never known. I tried to write something up about it and get it to Russell or Ike, but I didn't have time. I had to take a trip to Tennessee. I had to go on a run. I couldn't stop business just because I knew it was illegal. No, I had to continue to play the game."

"What did you do?"

"I tried to find more girls. I tried to talk to one of the madams, who was getting a little disgusted with the operation. She loved the money. She loved the concept behind the idea, but she had a problem with the children."

"Do you remember this madam's name? Where she was located? Can you tell us anything?"

"Yeah, I can tell her name. Her name was Mara Ireland. She was based out of Montgomery, Alabama. She is willing to turn, I just know it. If you can find her, you'll find more damning evidence. She told me during a meeting that she had been keeping track of everything that she saw come in and go out of her residence," Olivia told him.

"Mara Ireland?"

"Yeah, you need to find her."

"That won't be necessary, Liv," Huang told her.

"Why not?"

"She's dead."

Liv's head spun from Alex to Huang. He saw the fear and hurt in her eyes. He didn't know what else to say. He knew that Olivia was going to hurt. This case had become too closer for her. All he could hope for was that she would learn to live her life again and move on.

"How?" she asked, quietly.

"I don't know. The ATF and DEA raided her place earlier this week. She was dead along with all the ladies that were working for her. We are still trying to sort it all out. I'll give this information to Dana. She is leading the task force on this case. If we can prove they are related, the more we can throw at D. J. and Robin."

"They did it, but I don't how. But, George, I know they did it. Do you have time of death?"

"The local ME states that is was about a week ago."

"That was plenty of time. They fled Atlanta. They've been on the run. They were dealing with loose ends. She was a big loose end. So was I. They couldn't count on me dying. They heard the sirens. They knew that I would be found."

"Did they know that Mara talked to you?" Alex asked.

"I don't know. Everything happened so fast in the end. I was focused on Frankie. I'm sorry."

"It's okay, Liv. We caught them. I'll get with Dana. I'm sure that she'll send someone out there to take a look at the case for Mara. If there is a link to D. J. and Robin, she'll find it. Believe me. Dana has taken to this case like a dog to a bone. She isn't going to give it up easily."

"I know how she feels," Liv stated.

Alex watched her. George watched her. They were waiting for Olivia to turn back into the detective they both knew. It would only be a matter of time.

"I want to go out there," Liv said, breaking the silence.

"Do you think that is wise?" Huang asked.

"No, but I know the gang. I'll know what happened. I need to see it for myself."

"Liv…" Alex started.

"No, Alex, I need to see it for myself. I know that doesn't make sense to you. But, I have to know. I need to see the scene. I need to know. Either you talk to Dana about me going out there, or I'll go on my own. Understand?"


	32. Chapter 31- Permission

**Chapter Thirty-One - Permission**

Olivia stood her ground. She was pacing outside the conference room, but she wasn't going to back down. She would go to Montgomery to see Mara's scene with or without their permission. It might take her longer without their permission but she was resolute in going.

Alex and George watched her. George could feel the betrayal and anger coming off of Alex, but he knew that she too refined to start a fight now. After Olivia's bombshell at the end of their session, which caused Olivia to leave the office and search out Agent-in-charge Dana Lewis, George and Alex could only follow her. George knew that Dana would ask his opinion of what Liv should be able to do. Frankly, he didn't have a good reason for keeping her in Virginia except her fragile psyche. However, George feared what would happen if Olivia wasn't given permission and went on her own.

Alex was steaming. She was hurt and angry. She thought that Olivia was still too close to the case. She was letting her personal feelings override her objectiveness. It would not make Liv happy and she knew it. It was like this case was a scab, an infected sore that Olivia kept picking at hoping that it would just magically heal. She couldn't walk away from it and just let it heal on its own. She was letting it fester. She was making it bleed, while Alex was trying to staunch it.

"Olivia?"

She didn't answer. She kept pacing and it plagued Alex more. Alex's anger finally boiled over.

"Olivia Benson!"

Olivia turned around. She could see the anger burning in Alex's eyes. There was nothing that she could do. There was nothing that she could say. She knew that she had hurt Alex with the demand to go to Montgomery. She knew that Alex was only there to figure out how far Olivia was going to let her obsession with the case go. She needed Alex, even if she couldn't say it.

"What?"

"Sit down. Pacing like that isn't going to help anything. Sit down. Calm down and wait for their decision. NO. You will accept it, no matter what it is. Do you understand me?" Alex asked her.

"Alex…"

"Damn it, Olivia. Sit the fuck down. We can talk about this later."

"Alex…"

"No, don't you 'Alex' me, Olivia. I know why you want to go there. Some part of me even understands it, but if you think that I am going to like it, you're wrong. No, don't say anything. I know that you are emotionally tied to this case and you need to see it through. You aren't the investigating officer. You were undercover. You will have to debrief and testify in court, but that doesn't mean that you have to go to every God damned crime scene associated with the case. You have other responsibilities, now."

"I know that."

"Do you? Do you really? You have a son that needs you. He needs you to be home and love him, not gallivanting around the South because of a case. I need you. I need you home with me, safe, so I know that you are okay. Do you understand that?" Alex asked her.

"Yes, Alexandra, I do. I understand that more than you think I do. It is one of the reasons that I need to go to Montgomery," Olivia told her.

"Then, explain it to me," Alex demanded as she saw George look at both of them. "No, George, don't. She can tell me this. She needs to tell me this. I have a right to know."

George sat back. He knew that this was going to be a huge turning point in their relationship. He had asked Alex before if she needed to let Olivia go, could she. Now the point was before them all and they would have to make a decision. He had hoped for more time, to get more out of Olivia before she hit this breaking point, but the case hadn't allowed it. He knew that she was still fragile emotionally, but he hoped that her detective side would take over and reason would win out the day. Now, seeing them like this, he wasn't so sure.

"Alexandra," Olivia stated, with as much honey as she could.

"That isn't going to work this time, Liv. There is no amount of 'Alexandra's that are going to help you now. Talk to me. You promised me. Now, tell me, why the fuck is this so important?"

"Because…"

"Just tell me," Alex demanded, quietly, almost like a plea.

"I have to know."

"We've already established that, Detective. Do you care to elaborate? What is so important in Montgomery that you have to leave right away to find it?"

"Alex, you aren't making this easy."

"I'm the one not making this easy. You know what, Olivia. Go. Just go. I won't beg you to tell me what's going on in your head. You promised you'd tell me, everything, anything, but obviously you can't. I was wrong to believe it. I don't care what happened to you while you were undercover. Why can't you see that? It won't make me think less of you. Damn it, Benson, I love you. When you figure that out, when you get that through your head, come find me. I can only do so much for the both of us. Just remember one thing for me, will you?"

"What's that?" Olivia asked dumbfounded and automatically.

"That I love you. That I have always loved you. That everything that I have done in the last few months has been for you out of love. You want me to be your family. You want me to be with you and Xander. I don't care that you were with Frankie. I don't care that you loved her. I know that you love me. I know that you love Xander. When you want the same things, I'll be waiting. Until then," Alex explained. She kissed Liv's cheek and then she continued, "I love you. I wish you could see that."

Alex left her standing in the corridor broken. She gathered up the pieces of her own broken heart and dismissed George before he could say anything to her about what he had just witnessed. He had tried to warn her. He tried and Alex, like a fool, didn't want to see his point. She chastised herself for believing that their love would be enough for them to move on and have the relationship that they both had wanted for years. She had been a fool to think that Olivia could even put her first and the job second. She had hoped and she had wished, but in the end, she knew the truth. She'd seen it with Elliot and Kathy. Olivia was no different.

She couldn't remember getting in the elevator. She couldn't remember hitting the button for the first floor. She couldn't remember anything but the pain in her heart and the tears she was trying to fight from falling. She didn't even know she was in the elevator until she heard the ding and saw the doors open into the lobby of the building.

She looked up from the floor of the elevator to see the doors exiting the building. She stepped out of the elevator and was stopped by an out of breath Olivia. She was shaking, breathing heavily and she had a look in her eyes that Alex swore she'd seen before…a long time ago.

"Please don't leave me, Alex," she panted out.

"I'm not the one leaving. I'm simply getting out of your way. Now, please let me go."

"Alexandra…" Olivia pleaded.

Any other day it would have stopped Alex, but not today. Today had been an emotional roller coaster and she needed a break. Today she needed space as much as she really didn't want, she needed it.

"Alexandra Elizabeth Cabot, please…listen to what I have to say."

Alex stopped. She turned around, fire in her cobalt eyes. Part of her told her to run before Olivia could hurt her more, but her feet remained planted as Olivia took her arms in her hands.

"Did you just use my full name?" Alex asked her, dumbfounded.

"I knew it would get you to stop."

"That is low, even for you, Detective. What do you want? What could you possibly say to me here, now, that you couldn't tell me upstairs?" Alex demanded.

"I love you."

"No, I don't think that is what you wanted to say."

"I'm sorry."

"No, I don't think that is it either," Alex replied.

"Come with me?"

"Come with you, where?"

"To Montgomery."

"And, why would I want to do that?" Alex questioned.

"Because I need you to. Because you love me as much as I love you. Because, I need you to see it too. I need you to see why I am so close to this case. You're the only one who'll understand."

"What happened to you, Olivia? What aren't you telling me? What aren't you telling the FBI?"

"I've told you everything that I remember. I've told you things that I wanted to spare you from, especially the stuff about Frankie. But, do you remember what you told me a few days ago?"

"Besides that I loved you?" Alex quipped.

"Yes, besides that," Liv answered.

"No, what?" Alex asked.

"That you understood. That you could handle what happened because we had both seen the scum of the Earth and what they are capable of doing. I know that you are the only person here that understands where I am coming from. Don't get me wrong, Dana and the rest are good investigators but they aren't SVU. They solve murders, kidnappings, and crimes against the government. They don't know the full extent of the depravity of man. They come close sometimes, but we…we've seen it up close and personally."

Alex stood there. She knew that Olivia was right. She didn't understand Liv's reasoning, but she knew that Liv would see something that the rest wouldn't. It would be something trivial, but it would be something evidential. Liv had always been good at the big picture and finding the smallest clue or evidence that made that picture make sense.

"Montgomery?"

"Yes, come with me."

"They won't let you go, unless I go, will they?" Alex questioned her, already knowing.

"Huang may have suggested it to Dana, yes." Olivia answered.

"Do you really want me to go?" Alex asked.

"Yes…"

"Liv?"

"Yes, to help me from slipping back into Julie," Olivia admitted.

"You're still scared of Julie?"

"I'm scared of what I might do if that persona took over again. You keep me grounded. You keep me real. You help me stay Olivia. You hold me during the nightmares. I know you do. I feel you. I hear you in my dreams trying comfort me and remind me that I am safe. That you and Xander are safe, too. I know that you don't want to know, but I do. I know, Alex."

"Olivia…"

"No, Alex, I do need you. I…I always have. I love you, but I have to help them solve this case."

"There is nothing left to solve, Liv. They've gotten D. J. and Robin. They've shut down the gang. Frankie will get her justice, even if it is not in direct conjunction," Alex told her.

"What about Mara? Will Mara get her justice? What about the babies, Alex? Who will speak for them, now?" Olivia asked, knowing she had hit a nerve.

"Don't do that," Alex demanded.

"Don't do what?" Liv asked, knowing she was winning the argument.

"Don't make it personal, please," Alex pleaded.

"It is personal. It was personal. I lived the life. I have to know that Mara will get her justice, too. I know that D. J. and Robin did something. I know that they are connected somehow. I need to know how deep that connection goes."

"Why?"

"So I can protect you and Xander."

"When do we go?" Alex asked, knowing the battle hadn't been won or lost…yet.


	33. Chapter 32- Debriefing

**Chapter Thirty-Two - Debriefing**

Alex sat next to Olivia in the conference room. Huang was on Olivia's left. Abbie was on Alex's right. Dana, Ike and Russell were across from them. Liv noticed the briefing notes that Dana passed around. She also saw all the legal pads on the table. Abbie had two near her. Alex grabbed one and a glass of water. Alex poured Liv a glass of water and set it in front of her, too.

Ike and Russell were stoic. Dana looked slightly unhappy, but she didn't sound like she was when she started talking. Huang was reserved as always and waiting to see what was going to happen. He knew that overstepped his bounds in requesting that Liv and Alex go to Montgomery, but he knew that he needed to do it. He knew that Liv would just go on her own if he didn't get her permission.

"Alright, we have the facts before us based on the investigation lead by Ike in the field. We also have the supplemental notes from both Special Agent Russell Seabrook and Agent Olivia Benson while they were in the field. We are here today to add the personal notes and reflections from Agent Benson. Everyone ready?" Dana asked opening the debriefing.

"I think we are," Abbie stated.

"Good. Now, Darling, the floor is all yours. Tell us what you didn't tell us on paper. What else do we need to know?"

"How much do you know?"

"Abbie, would you like to answer this one?" Dana asked her.

"We know enough to charge D. J. and Robin with multiple counts drug trafficking, possession with intent, kidnapping, assault of a federal officer, assault of a federal officer during the commission of a felony, murder, assault with the intent to kill and failure to pay income taxes on monies earned, even though it was illegal. I am sure that you have more to add."

"Yes, I do. I will have more evidence once we get back from Montgomery that you will be able to use. But, while Robin was the muscle of the gang and the operations, D. J. was definitely the brains. He was trying to find was to launder the money, to make more legit and easier to move. He found himself without a lot of legitimate businesses."

"What did he do?" Dana asked.

"He made them up as he went along. He delved into anything he could get his hands into to make money, to launder it, to move it. It was his one passion: money," Olivia told them.

"What besides the gas stations and strip clubs did her start?" Dana asked.

"There were, for lack of a better term, brothels. Each madam was under contract. Each brothel doubled as an escort service. They were very good at hiding the extracurricular activities."

"Such as?" Ike questioned.

"The obvious prostitution. They were never allowed to bring a date to the brothel. They always had to go out. They weren't allowed to use hotels either. They were watched by bikers, mostly as hidden security, but if a client refused to pay for their 'full' treatment, they took it."

"Theft and larceny to pay for sex?" Russell asked, then stated "That seems drastic."

"You've never seen what a pimp will do to their girls if they think they've been cheated. Pimps are ruthless. They are only about the money. I have. It isn't pretty," Alex added.

Olivia held her hand. She knew them as well. She knew them all too well.

"Drastic doesn't even begin to cover it. The money came back to the brothel. It was split up and divided for each cut that was taken. The girls were paid their dues and sent on their way. They were only allowed to stay at the brothel to do marketing events, to wait in between clients, and if they tested positive for an STI or pregnant."

"Excuse me, Darling, come again," Dana stated.

"If a girl was found to unable to perform, she could stay at the brothel until she was better."

"You've got to be kidding me," Dana replied.

"No, it was one of the ways that D. J. that could control his merchandise. He knew who was sick, who was pregnant and who wouldn't be able to work again. Those who couldn't work in the brothel were given other jobs to help with their upkeep. Mostly they became the nurses for the other girls, especially the unfortunate girls who got pregnant."

"What happened to them?" Dana asked, now suddenly intrigued with what Olivia was saying.

"None of this is in the notes," Olivia told the rest of them, as Russell and Ike flipped through the binders looking for more information as Olivia watched.

"It's not?" Russell asked.

"No, I was just uncovering this operation when…"

"I understand. Please continue. Fill us in on what we need to know," Dana told her, trying to get them back on track.

"The girls that were pregnant would stay in the brothels and have their babies. The babies were then traded on the black market, sold or adopted out through a sold adoption program that D. J. had been working on with another crime lord in Alabama. I never found out his name. I didn't have time. I was trying to figure out how they were smuggling the children out of the country."

"So, Mara?"

"She was a madam in the brothel in Montgomery. She was feeding me information. I would try to get every run to Montgomery. At least when we were in a town with a brothel, we could stay there free of charge. I am sure that there was on in Savannah. I don't know how many brothels there were. I just know about Mara and Montgomery," Olivia told them.

"So, how do you know there are more?" Ike questioned.

"Mara told me that she was in contact with the madams across the Southeast. I don't know how many there are. I don't know what happened to her. But, I do know that she is dead. I know that I need to see the crime scene. I need to see her desk and computer. I need to know why she is dead. I need to help investigate. I need to know if D. J. ordered it. If he did, then we have to find the rest of the madams," Olivia stated.

"Calm down, Agent Benson. We have already arranged for you to go to Montgomery. You will leave in two days. I already have Special Agent Rock Griswold on the scene. He will be picking you up at the airport," Dana told her.

"Don't thank me yet, Benson. Cabot, Carmichael and Huang will be going with you."

George and Abbie smiled at Alex. She knew that they had to discuss to letting Olivia go. George suggested that it would a good idea. It was his idea to send Alex, to keep Olivia calm. Dana agreed. She wanted to go as well, but knew that she was still needed in Quantico. She decided to send Huang, in case Olivia broke while they were there, and Abbie, because she was drawing up charges on D. J. and Robin, whose list of charges was getting longer every day.

"I don't care. I know that Alex is coming. I know that you are sending her with me to help me keep my sanity. I understand that. I also understand why you are sending Huang and Abbie."

"You do?" Dana asked.

"Yes, because you know that I might find more and you'll need them to help link it the case."

"Then, why aren't I sending Ike and Russell?"

"Because, Russell doesn't exist in the real world. He needs to finish his debriefing and get back undercover in Atlanta or wherever the Seabrooks are moving their business. Ike needs to be back in the field. They have done as much as they can for the case. I also know that you are waiting for the agents-in-charge from the DEA and ATF to help you finalize this case."

"When did you get so smart, Sugar?" Dana asked her.

"I've worked with the FBI before. The case didn't take this long and wasn't as dramatic, but I know how you proceed. I also know that you will need to create and good cover story for Russell re-entering public life. I will only get in the way. I can't be in Atlanta. It is a big city but too many people know me there. In Montgomery, I can be discrete and still the information that I am looking for without tipping our hands," Olivia told her.

"That is my point exactly. Rock will meet you, catch you up to speed on what he has and then take you to the brothel. I know that you might find something there that our people missed, but then again, you might not. I am sending you for two reasons, Liv. Don't disappoint me for allowing this. We've got them. Now help us put them under the jail house."

"My pleasure," Liv replied, with a satisfied sneer of smile on her face.

"Good, now that this is settled I make sure that Mischa gets all the plans set up for your trip. Why don't y'all go back to the apartment? Spend some time alone. Hash out whatever need to be hashed out and let us play with the case."

"Sounds good to me," Alex replied.

"Okay, then, if you don't need me anymore," Olivia answered.

"We don't for now. I think that Russell and Ike got all the information that they needed from you while you were undercover. Thank you for your service. I'll have George bring you up to speed on anything else that we might need to share with you. Good day, ladies," Dana told them, dismissing them.

Olivia and Alex stood. Olivia grabbed her briefing binder and started to walk towards the conference room door. Alex snatched and put it back on the table.

"But-"

"Abbie and George will bring theirs and notes, Liv. Let it go for just one night. Let the case go. We can review whatever you want, together, tomorrow," Alex promised.

"Okay then," Liv replied, as they both left.

Alex watched her as the got on the elevator. She finally seemed more relaxed. It was nice. She herself wasn't relaxed. She wasn't really looking forward to going to Montgomery. She really didn't want to know what happened to Mara. She knew it was wrong of her, but she couldn't help but think that she had different priorities now. She didn't want the job to run her into the ground. She wanted the wife, the kids, the white picket fence. She had been a fool before, but, now she had Olivia and Xander, a nice apartment in the City. She had everything that she wanted, but she still wasn't happy.

Alex couldn't put her finger on it. Then it hit her like a ton of bricks. She wouldn't, no, couldn't be happy until Olivia was. Olivia wouldn't be happy until Robin was dead and D. J. was punished. She knew that finding out how Mara was connected besides being a madam for them would help her achieve this goal. Alex knew how driven Olivia was. The last few weeks had been blissful, but false. She knew in the back of her mind that she would never have time like this again with Olivia when they got back to New York. Olivia was a cop. She was born to be cop. She was damn good cop and Alex couldn't get in her way. No, Alex would need to support her, always and love her, despite the fact that Olivia could get hurt. Alex had known what she was getting herself into when she admitted to Olivia that she loved her, but part of her hoped that she was wrong. It was wishful thinking and she knew that. Now, it was all in her face and there was nothing that she could do.

"I love you, Liv," she said, knowing that her life was changing, again, and there was no way to stop it.

"I love you, too, Alex," Liv replied, giving Alex her trademark megawatt smile.


	34. Chapter 33- Flight

**A/N: Sorry for the delay in this one. ****Possession**** has been really "speaking to me lately." I don't want to abandon this story though, like I have others in the past (not here though). I will try to update them both, alternatively. I hope this way to keep my loyal readers happy and gain some new readers in the process. If you would like to see something in either story, message me or review it. I read them all and take your ideas in account. Sometimes we are on the same page, just saying. Please read and review. They are always appreciated. **

**Chapter Thirty-Three - Flight**

Olivia was pacing at the gate. She hated flying but she knew that it was the fastest way they could get to Montgomery. Alex watched her. She knew that there was nothing that she could do that calm Olivia. She would hold her hand as they flew, but it would be little consolation for Olivia until they landed.

"Liv, calm down," Alex said, as she stared at Liv's pacing form over the newspaper.

"I can't."

"Look, stressing out now, won't help you."

"I know that."

"Then, sit down," Alex commanded her gently.

"Why is it that we have to fly?"

"Would you rather drive twelve hours or so?" Alex countered.

"I guess not."

"It will be a short flight. You won't even have time to worry about anything, because by the time you do, we'll be landing. Do you want a drink? Will that help you relax?" Alex asked.

"I doubt it."

"Liv, this isn't going to help you. We are going because you need to see it. You need to be at your best when we land. What can I do to help you?"

"I don't know."

"Come here."

Olivia looked at her. She couldn't understand how Alex could just sit there and read the paper without any care in the world. She was about to be sitting in a metal rocket full of jet fuel and sent hurling across the country. How could she be so calm? It wasn't right. Men weren't supposed to fly. That is why Olivia always kept her feet on the ground. It was another reason that she didn't vacation. She only went anywhere she could drive and since she had only had a car for the last few years, she still hadn't been anywhere far.

"Alex…"

"Just sit down."

Olivia finally sat down next to Alex. Once she was seated, she looked over at George who was always studying her. She knew that he couldn't help it. Olivia was his greatest wonder. Every time he thought he knew her, she gave him something else to chew on.

Abbie was reading the New York Times. She would huff every now and again and then share a knowing look with Alex, who would just smile back knowing what story that Abbie had just read. When Abbie noticed Olivia's distress, she finally decided to join the group.

"Liv, the plane isn't going hurt you," Abbie told her.

"I'm not worried about the plane," Olivia answered.

"You are trying to lie to a lawyer. Do you think that is wise? Come on, Liv, flying isn't that bad," Abbie said.

"Maybe not for you," Liv retorted.

"Would you like me to give you something?" Huang asked her.

Abbie and Alex both looked at him. A silent conversation passed between the three of them and Olivia was oblivious to it. Alex nodded, knowing that if Liv was out, she wouldn't be worried about the flight.

"You want to knock me out?"

"I don't want to knock you out. I can you give you a mild sedative. It would basically make you sleep so you could fly in peace," he told her.

"You want me to sleep on that death trap?" Liv asked as her anxiety mounted.

"Liv, you'll be fine. But, if you want something, you should take it now. The sooner you're relaxed the better you'll feel about this flight," Alex told her.

"I won't feel better until we're in Montgomery. No, I don't need your pills. I'll be fine. I can do this. I can do this," Liv started saying as her new mantra.

They boarded the FBI's charter plane and took their seats. Alex decided that if they could get Liv's mind off of the flight maybe she would relax. She didn't want her to be upset but she also didn't want her to be anxious about the flight. Alex and Abbie had already reviewed the notes on Mara's case, but they hadn't reviewed them with Olivia. Alex hoped that this would occupy her brain long enough that she would realize that they were flying until they landed.

Once they were airborne Abbie handed out the binders with the facts that they had from Montgomery. Olivia took the binder willingly. She was grateful for the distraction.

"I want to know what you see in the crime scene photos," Abbie told her.

Liv immediately turned to the photos. Her entire demeanor changed. She went from anxious to angry quickly. The savagery that she saw made her blood boil. No one deserved to be murdered, but no one deserved to be murder like that, period. She looked up at Abbie. Alex noted the pain and anger on her face and tightened her grip on Liv's clammy left hand.

Huang watched them as they studied the binders and the notes. He watched as the gruesomeness didn't bother Alex or Olivia like it did Abbie. He wondered how long it took them to get used to the depravity of man and the things that man can do to a fellow human.

"I'll never be used to the amount of blood," Alex stated, looking at Abbie's horrified face.

"I left New York because I was sick of this," Abbie added.

"But, you didn't leave the victims," Liv stated, "You still fight on behalf of victims that you've never met, that you've never seen, and most of the time never will. Abbie, you never stopped believe in justice. Sometimes as a cop, we do. We see the depravity of man on the daily. We can't stop what we see, but we try to stop it from happening again. You help with that process. We do censor a lot of what you get as the prosecutor. We give you only what we find relevant. Sometimes however we give you ever gory and abject bit of evidence that we find."

"I know."

"Do you see anything in the photos, George?" Alex asked, trying to change the subject back to the case at hand.

"The killer is organized. They knew exactly what they were doing. They knew exactly who they were going for. This wasn't a crime of passion or opportunity. It was an execution."

"You can see that?" Liv questioned him.

"There may have been more than one killer. The wound tracks are different. If there weren't at least two killers, I would say that your killer while organized is mental ill, possibly schizophrenic. The wound tracks and the emotion behind them changed."

"Show me," Liv said, trading seats with Abbie.

It had been a quick and silent agreement. Abbie didn't want to stare at the photos. She would rather talk to Alex about law and the charges that she was levying against Robin and D. J. Liv knew that the distraction of the case would help her forget that she was on the plane. It was a win-win situation for them both.

Liv and Huang poured over the photos. Each of them were trying to identify the different attacks. If they could separate the attacks, then they could realize how many attackers were there. So far, they could identify at least two different styles of attack. The knife wounds were fundamentally different.

"Left and right handed attacks. It doesn't make sense. It is like the killer just switched hands back and forth during the attack. That isn't normal. Why would they stay with their dominate hand? The depth is different. It is like one side was injured," Liv stated.

"I agree. It isn't normal behavior for this type of killing. What does the ME report say? Was there any sign of sexual assault?"

"It was undetermined. She was the owner of a brothel. The ME couldn't determine if she was raped because of her profession, Huang. All the report says is that there were possible signs of sexual activity. The ME couldn't narrow down a window but it was that day."

"Is there anything else that the other reports could tell us?" George asked, as Liv flipped through the binder trying to get to the other officer's notes.

"They don't have anything. They didn't know what they stumbled into when they got on the scene. Hell, there was so much blood. I wouldn't have known where to start if I walked in there without knowing what Mara was into. The place was…exotic and decadent. If I didn't know what Mara was doing there and didn't have my SVU training I wouldn't have known what to do there. They took pictures. They tried to take notes, but everything is so jumbled."

"Jumbled how?" Huang asked her.

"Like they were overwhelmed with the scene. Did they send rookies out to the scene? The notes don't make real sense. It is like they were just jotting things down on the fly."

"How so?"

"Listen to this one: 'Blood everywhere. No clear cast off. Dead prostitute. John gone wrong?"

"That is all it says?" Huang asked.

"Yeah, I can see the cast off. How could they miss the obvious splatter on the walls? The directional changes are actually discernible because they are grossly noticeable. You can see them can't you?"

"Yes, Liv, I see them. These notes were from the locals. Where are the notes from the agents on scene? Why aren't they in here?" Huang asked.

"I don't know, but I'm sure as hell going to find out when we get there," Liv told him.

Alex watched her from her side of the plane with Abbie. Abbie was carefully sipping on a scotch, watching Alex. Alex noticed the slight smile creep up on Abbie's face, but decided not to acknowledge at first. Finally she couldn't take it.

"What?" she asked Abbie, not turning her attention to the other lawyer.

"You really are smitten, aren't you?"

"Smitten?"

"I'm from Texas, darling. It happens. You are thoroughly smitten with her."

"I don't think that 'smitten' even begins to cover it," Alex answered.

"Do tell."

"Abigail Carmichael!"

"What? Can't a girl dream? You've got Detective Sexy McHotness over there in love with you and you can't give me one juicy detail. Just one?" Abbie teased.

"Not a single one."

"Well, damn, Alex, that's not fair."

"Tell me about it," Alex replied.

"She's doing better I see."

"She is."

"Alex, come on. This is me you're talking to. What's up? I can tell that something is bothering you. Is the sex bad? She snore?" Abbie questioned.

"No, she doesn't snore. And, no, the sex is incredible. It is just that…" Alex started, but she got sidetracked by the view ahead of her.

Olivia and Huang were both going through the binders. Liv had a pen out and was making notes, while George was leaving his copy blank. He would point something out and Liv would notate in her copy. It was a smart way to keep a clean copy for later reference when Liv's got full of notes.

She watched as Liv absentmindedly brushed her ever-growing bangs out of her face, tucking her shaggy short hair behind her ear. It was a tick of sorts. Alex knew that tick well. It was a tell that Liv was deep in thought about the case.

Alex knew that she was staring. She knew that Abbie was talking to her, but honestly, she didn't care. It did her heart good to see Liv pouring over a case file again. It made Liv happy. If it made Liv happy, then she was happy too. But there was something else about it, something that was purely sexual about the way Liv dissected a case file. It was erotic to watch her.

Alex found herself starting to breathe heavier. She knew that she would have to wait, probably until they were back at Quantico, but she would need Liv soon. There was just something about Olivia that made Alex's blood burn. It was a controlled simmer at the moment, but soon she would boiling and the need would overtake the rationale. Alex continued to stare while she tried to figure out what it was about Olivia that got her…so…bothered.

It could be the hair, but she had seen so many styles with Liv. It could be her olive skin and crazy natural beauty, but that was just who Olivia was. How did Olivia put it? She was "beauty that came from the beast." She was intoxicating. Then it dawned on Alex. She knew why she loved Olivia so much. It wasn't her selflessness. It wasn't the fact that she was a defender of the victims she helped in every way possible. No, Alexandra Cabot loved Olivia Benson for the simple reason that she was a cop. All the rest of it was just icing on the sexy cake.

"Hello, Earth to Cabot. Come in Cabot. Do you read me?" Abbie inquired.

"Sorry, what'd you say?"

"Wow, cowgirl, you got it bad."

"You've already established that argument, counselor."

"Touchy. Touchy. What crawled up your butt and bit you wrong?"

"It's nothing."

"Spill it."

"I love her."

"I know."

"No, Abbie, I love her. She is the one and only. She agreed to move in with me. She agreed to live with me and bring Xander along. She asked me to be his guardian should something happen to her. She practically asked me to adopt him, too," Alex stated.

"And, this would be a bad thing?"

"No, it is a good thing. It is all a good thing. I'm just scared."

"Of Benson?"

"No, of my heart."

"Why?"

"It's been wrong before."

"Not with her it hasn't. Listen, you're scared, but it isn't because of how you feel for her. You're afraid of what this case will do to her. We all are. We can see it in her face. But, you, the Ice Princess of New York, aren't hiding your displeasure with her very well. I knew that you were angry that she wanted to come to Montgomery. Hell, we all knew you were. We all understood her reasoning. Hell, we voted to send her. George and I were the ones that brought up only if you went along for the ride."

"Why would you help to punish me?" Alex asked her friend.

"I did it for both of you. I did it for Olivia because you keep her grounded, safe, and sane. I did it for you because I know that you would worry too much about her being here without you. I know that you are mad about her wanting to help. No matter how hard Olivia tries, if she's got a scent, she's going. She reminds me of you that way."

"Whatever," Alex retorted.

"Remember Connors? Or, how about Wit Sec? The Congo?"

"Okay, okay, point taken. Neither one of us knows when to stop. What's your point?" Alex asked, taking Abbie's drink and sipping it herself.

"You need each other. You understand each other. But, most and definitely most important, you love each other. You respect each other. You know that the other's job is important, not only for your lover, but the City and the populace at large. You are both seekers of truth and justice, defenders of the victims of heinous crimes. Most people can't, won't and don't understand that."

"I know," Alex stated, quietly.

"Then, don't give up. Fight with her when needed, but be there for her as well. She needs you more than she'll let on, Alex. I know. Olivia is a private person. She isn't going to beg you to stay. She'll let you leave because she'll think it is because you are unhappy with her. Understand? She wants a life with you, but she's been alone with the job for so long, she doesn't know how to think outside that box. You have to help her create a new box, a new way of thinking, a new life with you and Xander," Abbie told her.

"I know that."

"Then, stop being angry. Give her this. Make her give you something when we get back. Lay out some rules for her that she'll be able to understand and follow with your relationship. She wants to please you. She always has, even when she is mad with you or arguing. She was always looking for the out and to make you happy in the end."

"I know."

"Then, why are you still brooding?"

"Because I'm the Ice Princess and the good doctor has my lover's attention."

"Then melt down a little and let her see the emotional side more often."

"She has. Believe me on that one. She has seen me lose it," Alex replied.

"Do it again."

"Do what again?" Alex questioned.

"Lose your cool with her. Fight with her and then make up. Don't let it be all rainbows and sunshine. Sometimes you have to play dirty in order to get clean," Abbie stated.

"Gotcha."

"Good."

"I'm glad we had this talk," Alex told her sarcastically.

"No problem, Alex."

"Good, cause I'm texting Serena when we land. I'm sure she's wondering how you're doing. Or, maybe, I'll just go call her and tell about an intern that is showing you some favors. That would be a good conversation."

"You wouldn't? You couldn't? I didn't do anything wrong."

"I know that, Abbie. Calm down. I'll text Serena, but just to tell her you're okay. I was just joking. I know she's got you on a short leash, well, as best she can. I hear that you are quite the catch in Washington," Alex explained.

"You would know. Abbie quipped.


	35. Chapter 34- Good-Night

**A/N: Thank you for all the reviews and messages. I wouldn't leave this story hanging...well for long. I want to know what happens, too. Lol. It is just that Possession was burning brighter for me. I think I'll hand write that one and post as I get chapters done. That way it will take longer and give me more time to work on this one to its completion. As always, please read and review. I love to hear from y'all about the stories and I do take into affect what you say and try to work some of it into the story. Thanks again for your patience and your want for more story. I will do my best to keep you all enthralled and coming back for more. ~JET**

**Chapter Thirty-Four - Good-night**

Alex and Olivia watched as Abbie and George went into their shared hotel room. Alex held the key cared to their room, which adjoined the other. Olivia stood in the hallway still dazed from the flight and reeling over the case. Alex could see that she was still trying to process the crime scene without actually being there. It was consuming Olivia and Alex had to pull her into their room. Olivia was still mumbling under her breath as she stumbled into the room via Alex's tug.

She looked up into Alex's worried sapphire eyes and smiled. She knew that Alex was worried about her, but she couldn't stop thinking about the case. There was just something about the photos that was bothering her. It was like something was missing and she had to find it.

"Olivia, sit," Alex said, pointing to the hotel table with chairs.

Olivia took a seat at the table. She pulled her beat up, written on, and folded case binder and threw it on the table. She grabbed a bag from the pile that Alex made on the bed. She tore through the bag until she found a legal pad and a pen. She put them on the table and went back to sit down. She pulled the cap of the pen and dropped it on the table. She bit the end of the pen as she began to flip through binder again.

Alex just watched her, knowing that there was no way to stop her. Olivia would pour over the case book until she found something they missed. It was what she did when she couldn't find the perp. Alex knew it firsthand. She could remember catching Liv sitting at her desk in the bullpen of the 1-6 many a night as she came in to get an extra copy of something for a case. Alex knew that it would hours before she would stop.

Alex took their luggage off the bed. She put her laptop and brief case on the table across from Olivia. She didn't try to disturb her. She moved around the hotel room, around Olivia as she tried to make the room somewhat livable for them, not knowing how long they would be in Montgomery working this case.

Alex went to the minibar in the mini-fridge and made herself a drink. After she poured the drink, she went back to the luggage. She sat her glass down on one of the bedside tables and then went to the garment bag. She pulled out what needed to be hung up and placed it in the closet. Then she put the rest of the clothes in the hotel dresser. She separated their clothes in each drawer. She then stored their luggage in the closet. She went back to the mini-bar and poured Olivia a drink. She placed it on the table within Olivia's reach.

Olivia reflexively picked it up and took a sip. Alex didn't wait for her to acknowledge her or the drink. She went back to hers and took another sip. She then went to the door separating their room from Abbie and Huang's. She gave it a knock.

Abbie opened the door and let her in their room. Abbie looked at Alex's hand and the glass and smiled. She peeked around the doorway to see Olivia at the table reviewing the case.

"Need to talk?" Abbie asked.

"About anything but the case," Alex replied.

"I'll go talk with Olivia, then," George said.

"Two hours and then, I'm making her go to bed," Alex told him.

"Deal. I would like to sleep myself. I'll try to get her back for you, Alex. I am not going to help her back down the rabbit hole," George told her, shutting the door between the rooms.

"This room is nice," Alex said.

"Bullshit, it's a hotel room. Two standard queen beds, a table, a mini-fridge, and a TV, it's all here. The only missing is some person randomly knocking on my door in the middle of the night telling me that I'm needed at front desk," Abbie told her.

"I don't think that I want to know the story about that."

Abbie laughed, "No, and neither did I."

"Do you think she'll sleep tonight?" Alex asked her.

"If you tire her out, she might. You know that girl is like a dog with a bone when she gets on a case. She isn't just going to let this drop," Abbie stated.

"I know. Trust me, I know. I used to be the same way."

"What changed?"

"Everything. First thing was being shot and being put in Wit Sec, then there was my time in Major Crimes and Appeals, then there was my time in the Congo. I had to learn to go after what I could and do what I could. I couldn't go all out anymore. I had to think about everything and everyone. I needed to find something else besides the law and winning to survive on."

"So that is why you had a slight stint on the straight side?"

"Don't even go there, Abbie. It was a mistake. I know that now. Besides, I like a little danger in my love life. I just didn't think it all the way through with him," Alex replied.

"A little danger huh?"

"Yeah, you don't think that Olivia is dangerous?" Alex asked.

"Oh, she's dangerous alright, in the heartbreaking kind of way," Abbie replied.

"Don't I know it."

"Which is why you are perfect for each other," Abbie added.

"Come again."

"She is dangerous. You love her. She loves you. You're dangerous for her. It is the perfect balance for the only two crazy perfectionists and crime fighters I know."

"Well, that is an interesting theory," Alex replied.

"Theory? No, it isn't a theory. That is fact. You didn't see her when you weren't around. You didn't hear about the craziness she caused. You didn't have to come to New York and reassure her that you would come back, in one way or the other. She wrote you that letter because she needed you to know. She didn't know how you felt. She didn't need to know. She needed you to know how she felt about you, because if she died while undercover, she would do with a clear conscience. Damn it, Alex, how could you have been so blind?" Abbie asked her.

"I wasn't blind. I chose not to act. That is the difference. Neither of us tried to act upon our feelings. I can't say that if we did back then that we would have worked. I don't know that we will ever work. We love each other. We know that. We want to work on a relationship, too."

"Then what's the problem?" Abbie asked her.

"Our need for justice," Alex said simply.

"Then maybe you need to find your own justice."

"What do you mean by that, Abbie?"

"Alex, you and Olivia both have punished yourselves for long enough. You both deserve to be happy. You have served the great city of New York with your lives. You have both given up everything for justice. Now, you need get your own. You two need to work on yourselves. You need to make a life together, because you understand each other. You understand each other weaknesses and you love each other for it. You are perfect for each other and you have fought it long enough."

"Don't you think that I know that," Alex replied.

"I do. I know that is why you are here, now. You are fighting for her. You are fighting for a future with her. She is fighting, too, but she can't let go of the case. Don't make her. Help her through it. If you want her, if you want her to want you, then you are going to have to suck it up and help her through this. Personal feelings and all, she needs you. She may not tell you that, Alex, not in the way you want, but trust me, when I say that she loves more you than you know."

"I understand that," Alex said.

"Do you?"

"What is that supposed to mean?" Alex questioned, hurt by the connotation.

"Look, I'm not trying to hurt you. I am trying to explain her side from a different perspective. She loves you. She lost you. She lives New York because life there has become too hard to live without even the slightest bit of contact from you. Even when you were in the Congo, she could survive knowing you were coming back. Elliot told me how she was unbearable after you went into Wit Sec. It nearly killed her after you came back to testify and then back into hiding. She was inconsolable. She went on binge dates, cruised from whatever she could for a while, just trying to feel. She understood why you didn't say good-bye. She knew that it would be too hard for you to leave again. But, she was lost and she didn't have an anchor."

"I'm sorry," Alex said.

"It isn't me that you need to tell that to. She lost the only thing that she was willing to fight for. She didn't know if you were coming back. Then, you did, but you hid and almost married that guy. That GUY, Alex, you almost married him. But, still you didn't seek her out. She wasn't going to make the first move. She isn't like that and you know it. She was happy with whatever your arrangement was. She didn't understand it, but at least it meant that she got you somehow. Then, you come back, act as if nothing happened. It hurt, but she had you. She forgave you."

"How do you know all this?"

"I keep in touch," Abbie answered simply.

"Damn it all to hell."

"I don't think that will help. Then you go off on your crusade in the Congo. You don't tell her you're leaving. Nardelee does. That hurt me, Alex. I can't believe how bad it hurt her. You come back again. Both you and Casey start taking cases. Then, back to the Congo. If you loved her then, why did you keep running away from her? She thought it was her fault. She thought that she had done something to you that made you leave. She was willing to follow you if you would have let her. But, you left, no word, no good-bye, no here is how you can get ahold of me, you just vanished."

"I'm a bitch," Alex said, quietly.

"No, you aren't. You weren't thinking. She wasn't thinking clearly when she went on this case. You were gone. Elliot left her. He didn't even tell her, either. He just retired. It hurt her even though she understood why he did it. But, at that moment, after he left, everything in her head changed. She didn't have anything to live for. She didn't have anyone to worry about her. She didn't have a reason not to go."

"I know."

"That letter was her way of forgiving you and forgiving herself. She let it all out because she never expected to come back. She knew that she would be going under and deep. She never thought that it would come to this. She figured that they the FBI would move her somewhere else after this investigation was over. She was willing to stay Julie Seabrook if needed."

"I know."

"Do you?"

"Yes, because she gave up everything."

"Yes, she did."

"But, she wrote a second letter to me."

"The 'in case' letter, I'm sure."

"I am sure it was. Dana gave it to me. I haven't opened it. I don't want to know what was going on in her head when she wrote and I know that I will if I ever read it. I just can't know."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't want to hear the pain in her words."

"Then, make her realize that you are here. Make her realize that you are real and not leaving. Make her know that NOW is your time. Let her know what she means to you. I know that I keep telling you this and I know that you keep telling her that, but I know that eventually it will sink in and she'll come back to you. It might not happen here, but it will. It is getting to her, Alex. I can see it. She wants to be with you so badly, but she has to solve this case. Give her this case and let her be done with the Goldings. Once she's done with that, she'll have to find something else to focus on," Abbie explained.

"And, what will that be?" Alex asked.

"Play your cards right, darling, and that'll be you," Abbie answered.

Somewhere in the back of her mind, Alex knew that. Olivia needed closure. She needed to know that Frankie would get her justice. She knew that Mara deserved hers too. Olivia was a crime fighter. It was in her blood, she couldn't fight it. Alex had to admit that she was same the way. It was one of the many reasons that they worked so well together.

"I think I can do that," Alex stated.

"Don't think, Alex. Know. Feel. Love. Let her know."

"I do."

"Then you have nothing to worry about."

"What are you trying to say?" Alex inquired.

"What you didn't see after your spat at Quantico."

"Which was?" Alex questioned.

"The look on her face when you left, when you got on that elevator and left. She was devastated. Her whole world was crumbling again. She'd lost you. She'd lost the case. And, she lost Mara."

"I'm sorry. I broke. I couldn't handle it anymore."

"Anyone would have, Alex. No one is blaming you for what you said or did. She needed that. No matter how much she tries to deny it, she needed to know that you loved her enough to walk away. She needed to know that you loved her enough to leave when you couldn't watch her hurt herself anymore. She needed to know that you would be there when she was done. She needed to know that no matter how much it hurt you, you would go back to New York and wait for her."

"My heart was breaking the entire time."

"So was hers, but she needed to hear it. She needed to know how you felt. You have both been tiptoeing around it. Damn it, just admit you love the woman."

"I have. She did. We are moving in together. She wants me to adopt Xander, too."

"Now, that is closer to what I mean."

"What do you mean, exactly, Abbie?"

"Marry the woman."

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me. Marry her. Give her her anchor. Be the tie that binds. Give her the one thing that she has been searching for her entire life," Abbie stated.

"A loving family?"

"Yes," Abbie replied.

"I could do that."

"Then tell her that. Show her that. BE that. Never let her forget it."

"I will."

"Then go to her, my friend and love her as only you can," Abbie stated.

Alex took her at her word. She went back through the door adjoining the rooms. She found George and Olivia hard at work at the table. The legal pad was sheets in full of notes. She tapped George on the shoulder.

"I think it is time for bed. We have to meet Rock in the morning at the local agency. I think we all need some sleep," Alex told him.

"I think you are right. Good night, Alex. Olivia. Try and get some sleep. We'll put fresh eyes on it in the morning and then, we'll go to the scene for we can see it for ourselves."

"You're right. Goodnight, George. See you in the morning," Olivia stated, getting up from the table.

Alex showed George out, while Olivia cleaned up the table some. She saw her empty glass and took it to the sink. When she came back from the vanity area, Alex was sitting on the edge of their king bed, waiting.

"What?" Olivia asked, confused as if she'd done something.

"I love you."

"I love you, too," Olivia replied, the confusing not evident in her voice.

"I've come to realize that I never told you how much I love you."

"You have."

"No, Olivia, I haven't."

"Alex…"

"Listen, Olivia, I love you. With me being, my every breath, my soul, I love you. I am tired of running from this, from us, from what we can be. I know that our road will be a hard one, but I want to walk down it anyway with you. We can be a family. We will give Xander every ounce of love that we have and he will know what it means to be loved and have family. He will never question it. I don't want you to, either. I want to be your family, Olivia, if you'll let me."

Alex couldn't tell when, but she knew that Olivia was crying. She stood up from the bed and walked over to her. She took Olivia's hand in hers and stared into Liv's chestnut eyes.

"Alex, I don't know what to say," she finally stated.

"Just tell me that you love me."

"I do love you."

"Say it again," Alex demanded.

"I love you, Alex."

"I love you, too, Olivia," she replied and kissed her.

This wasn't a timid kiss. The passion behind it, the raw need, the love that it transmitted was well received by Olivia. She didn't know what she'd done to deserve it, but mentally she was thanking heaven for this moment.

"Now, say it, again," Alex said, breaking the kiss.

"I love you."

"Again."

"I love you, Alex."

"Again."

"I love you, Alexandra," Liv stated and was awarded another soul burning kiss.

"Again."

"I love you, Alexandra Cabot."

"Good, and I love you, Olivia Benson. Never forget that. I love you, Liv. I always have."

Alex broke. Liv stood there, bewildered by the turn of events. She wasn't complaining, but she was definitely moved by Alex's sudden declaration of love and family. Alex couldn't take the look in her eyes. It was too much. It was too raw, too exposed, too much vulnerability.

"Liv?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

"I love you, too."

"Liv?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

"I know."

"Liv?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm in love with you," she replied closing the distance between them.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, but promise me one thing."

"What's that?"

"You'll get a haircut tomorrow. Don't get me wrong. I like it shaggy, but this is just too much."

Liv laughed, but agreed, "Yeah, I think I can handle that."

"Good. Now, strip and come to bed. I have more to tell you. And, you won't be needing any clothes for the stories I plan on telling you."

Olivia's mouth dropped, but she began to undress. She hadn't seen this side of Alex…ever. She didn't know whether to be scare or thankful.

"Liv, stop analyzing it and get undressed."

"But –"

"Don't make me do it for you. Trust me. Love me."

"I do, Alex. I love you. I trust you with my heart," Liv answered.

"Then, get undressed and get in bed. Let me prove my worthiness to you. Let me love you, tonight. Tomorrow, we'll go get the bad guy. Tonight, you're mine."


	36. Chapter 35- Montgomery

**A/N: I didn't get into much detail in this one. If I had it would have been super long. Just be prepared that the next few chapter will probably be a little gory and long. Julie will be coming back for a short stint for those of you who wanted to find out what she was like, you will get your chance. Just hang with me people, I promise you that this ride isn't over yet. There will plenty more to come, more mayhem, more love, and more UNDERCOVER LIV. ~ JET**

**Chapter Thirty-Five - Montgomery**

Abbie had been pounding on the door for twenty minutes and still had no answer from their room. It was still quiet. She pulled out her cell. She tried Alex's and got nothing. She tried Liv's and still nothing. Finally, she went back into her room and called down to the front desk. Minutes later she heard the phone in their room and then, she heard Alex.

"ABBIE!"

She waited at the door adjoining their rooms. Alex ripped the door open and stared at her. She did not look amused. Abbie didn't care. She did however give Alex an approving look.

"That sheet looks good on you," Abbie told her.

"What the hell do you want, Abbie?" Alex asked her.

"We have to be down town at the local bureau in less than an hour. I just figured that you would like to get up so you could be ready in time. Sorry, I woke you," Abbie stated.

"The hell you are," Alex started, turned around and started to shut the door, "But, thank you. You have thirty minutes to have coffee for me and I'll forget this stunt."

"See you downstairs," Abbie told her as the door clicked shut.

"They going to be ready?" Huang asked her as she rejoined him in the hallway.

"Yeah, but breakfast is on you today."

"Liv, sweetheart," Alex said, shaking her.

"Five more minutes."

"We have less than thirty, honey."

"We'll go tomorrow. Sleep today. I promise."

"Liv, get up. We've got to go. There are things we have to take care of today. We can stay in bed later. We can sleep in tomorrow, if you are good today. Today we have briefings and a crime scene to inspect. Tomorrow is entirely up to you my dear," Alex told her.

"Fine, I'm up. Do we have time to shower? I'm a little messy."

"Yes, darling, we have time. Go ahead and get in. I'll join you later."

"Don't worry about wearing something nice. Jeans and a t-shirt will be fine. It might get dirty, so wear something that you don't really care about that much," Liv advised.

"Yes, dear," Alex stated, pulling out some clothes and laying them out on the bed before she went to the bathroom to join Olivia in the shower.

Alex had to stop Olivia several times as they bathed. Liv would start with a touch and then a kiss. Twice she had Alex backed against the tile wall, panting, wanting and moaning, before Alex came back to her senses and pushed Liv away. Alex chided herself for thinking that she could shower with Liv without Liv wanting to touch.

"Do we really have to go?" Liv asked.

"You asked to come here so you could look at this case. We are here. So, yes, we have to go."

"Well, when you put it like that, I guess I'll get ready."

Alex laughed at her. She knew that Liv was nervous. She knew that Liv was still shaken by the case and the events since she came back into the real world. She knew that Liv was still trying to process everything. Alex loved her. Alex knew that Liv knew that and she knew that Liv knew that she was there for her. It was all that mattered now.

They met Abbie and George in the lobby. Abbie had two coffees waiting on them. She handed them each a cup. George handed them both a Danish. Once they had both gotten their breakfast, they headed out the door to the Suburban that they were using courtesy of the FBI.

"Rock said he wanted to me up at the office. Is there anything that you want to add to what we already know before we get there, Liv? I know that you were studying the binders," Abbie asked.

"No, not that I can think of. We all know that the locals were the first on the scene. I don't know how much the botched. They weren't prepared for what they came across. The FBI didn't get there in time. I am not blaming them, but if they had really been watching this aspect of the case where were they? That is the only thing I can think of right now," Liv stated.

"That is an interesting factor. I am sure that Rock won't want to answer that, but it is an answer that we will need before I can prosecute. I need to know that the evidence we have will stand up in court. I am not trying to rankle anything, but we need to be sure that we have everything we need. If D. J. and Robin are as good as they seem to be on paper, then I am sure that their lawyer will be good, too," Abbie stated.

"That is why you have Alex, Abbie. She'll eat them alive. It is what she does," Liv stated.

"Liv…"

"No, it is true. If we find a weakness, Alex will know how to exploit it on our behalf. I have seen you do it in court rooms countless times. All we need is to get Liv to the scene and let her see what she can find. I am sure that we will have enough to deal with this situation."

"I am glad that you have faith in me, George. I have no idea what I will find. I have no idea what happened. I want to find out. I want to know what happened in that place before everything went to shit. We have to find out."

"We will, Liv. We will. Let's go and find out what Rock and the local team knows before we go parading into the crime scene," Alex suggested.

"I hope he has something to tell us. This binder is lacking. It only raised more questions than it answered. This is going to be an interesting meeting," Liv stated.

"Promise me one thing, Liv," George stated.

"What's that, Huang?"

"Don't tear him apart as soon as he lays out the case for you. Wait until after he is done. I am sure that he walked into this late and he is trying to pick up the pieces."

"Meaning?" Abbie asked.

"The way I read the binder, it seems that FBI got to this case later than they wanted."

"I gave them all the information that I could as fast as I could," Liv countered.

"I am not saying that you didn't. But, this case got bigger, faster than they wanted. The DEA, the FBI and the ATF were all working this case from different angles. The only common part of the case was the Goldings in Atlanta. You helped bring all the agencies together. You helped the agencies realize that we were all working the same case from different angles. You gave us a starting point," George explained.

"So?"

"We need to stay together on this. If Mara is connected, we need to make sure that we don't step on toes. We need to make sure that we work together, no matter how we feel about the situation," George stated.

"I will do what I have to do to get justice. Everyone can either help me or get out of the way. I am not going to let politics and bureaucracy get in the way. Other than that, I don't think that we should have a problem," Liv told him.

Alex smiled. Liv was turning more and more back into the detective she remembered. She had to admit that the more that she was with Liv and the more that Liv dug into the case as a whole the more Liv became Liv again. She could still see parts of Julie, but she knew that the Julie was going to help Olivia be a better detective and person. She wasn't afraid anymore.

"Let's just see what Rock has to say. We can form opinions and speculations later. We are all here to solve this aspect of the case. If we find anything, we still have to play nice and share," Alex told them, "But, let's see what they have. Maybe they have discovered more since Dana told them that we were coming. We need to give them the benefit of the doubt right now. We can all talk about it later, behind closed doors and with each other."

"Sounds good. Let's see what Rock actually knows. I think we're here," Abbie stated as they pulled into a parking lot.

Liv looked at the building. It was non-descript like most government buildings. She wouldn't have known that it was the building in question, had there not been a FBI logo on a sign in front of it. She wasn't impressed, but then again, she knew she wouldn't be.

Rock met them outside the building. He had a pair of sunglasses on and a sharp grey suit. Liv cocked her eyebrow at him, but was polite enough to say nothing. Alex wasn't sure what to think of the man. Her quick meeting with him the day before didn't give her enough time to form an opinion. The sight of him wasn't helping her for any opinion of him, but that he was a "company" man.

"Good morning, ladies and Doctor Huang. If you'll come with me, I have a conference room waiting for us. I am sure that you would like to question the locals and the rest about the case," he told them ushering them in the building.

He took off his sunglasses as he entered the door. He led them down the hall to the conference room. He stopped at the door and surveyed the small grouping.

"Oh, and Agent Benson, don't worry. Your reputation has preceded you. Everyone has been made aware of your abilities and your knowledge of the case. Agent Lewis made it painfully aware that you and Agent Cabot were calling the shots here. I am here to help no matter what your preconceived notion about me or the case. I want to help, in every way I can."

Liv nodded. She then looked at Alex with a questioning look. Alex just smiled and shrugged. She knew that Liv didn't know that she had been vetted as well. She just nodded at Rock as she took a seat at the table. Liv sat down next to her, with her binder and notes, but gave Alex a look that told her that her questions would be answered later and in private.

"That's good, Agent Griswold. What do you know about the investigation? What is your impression of the scene?" Liv asked him.

"It is a mess. There is so much rage. Frankly, we didn't know what was going on there until Special Agent Lewis called us and filled us in. Needless to say that the locals LEOs aren't exactly happy that they weren't informed about the complexity of the case. They've turned everything over, however. They didn't want to deal with it once they knew what was going on with it all," Rock told her.

"Any personal thoughts?" Liv inquired.

"I don't know what the hell you got yourself into while you were undercover, but that was some seriously messed up shit. Frankly, I don't want to know what you were dealing with, but that girl didn't deserve what she got. The locals did a bad job on the scene, because they didn't know what they were getting into when they started their investigation. I hope that you can shed some light on it. I know that you want to go to the scene. We've still got it in custody. Hell, the FBI practically owns it until we figure out what to do with it," Rock told her.

"Why is that?" Alex asked.

"Because it was used in the commission of a crime and it is still considered evidence. Because Miss Ireland was listed as the owner of the building, the City of Montgomery will end up auctioning it off at the end of the year if no one else comes forward to claim it. We have already searched for a will. We haven't found it."

"Well, let's see what we can figure out. The LEOs did a number on the crime scene. I can tell by the photos that you sent. Did you find any useable evidence?"

"Everything that we found was in that binder," Rock told her.

"Damn it. Okay, that's enough talk. Let's go out to the scene. I need to see it for myself," Liv told them.

Alex grabbed her hand and gave it a good squeeze. She knew that Olivia was upset, but she also knew that it she would take it out on everyone. It was a gentle reminder that Alex was there for her and she could be pissed. Liv knew exactly what Alex was doing. She helping her stay grounded when all she wanted to do was yell and scream and beat something.

"Fine, let's go," Rock answered.

Twenty minutes later, they were on the scene. Abbie decided to wait out in the vehicle with Rock. He decided not to go in, when Liv shot him a look. He didn't know what he had done to piss her off and he didn't want to do it again. He opted it was smarter to stay out of Liv's way until she needed him. Abbie just didn't want to see it. Pictures were enough for her.

Huang and Alex followed Liv into the scene. They let her lead the way. Alex watched her as she methodically made her way into the building. She followed the notes given on the path the earlier detectives had, not wanting to disturb the evidence, if there was still some. Huang followed next and Alex right behind him.

Liv didn't stop. She didn't wait for them. She had the binder and the pictures. She made her way through the building and to the offices on the second floor. She stopped outside the door marked "IRELAND." She let out a breath she didn't know she was holding and she pushed the door open. She stood in the doorway for a few moments before she fell to her knees.

Alex immediately was at her side. She grabbed Liv's hand and waited for her to say something. She didn't know what to say. She didn't know what to do. The case was breaking Liv a little more every day and it hurt to see her that way, but she couldn't stop her. That would be twenty times worse and everyone knew it. She would just stay there by her side and wait.

"This is her business office," Liv said.

"Is this where she was killed?" Alex asked.

"No, she was killed in her other office," Huang stated.

Liv turned and looked at him. The fire in her eyes was evident. He knew that she was sliding back into Julie and they were both powerless to stop it. He wondered if Julie wouldn't be the right person for the job right now. She would be the one who would know what to do.

Alex looked into Liv's eyes. She saw the fire. She saw the want for justice and then she saw the smoke clearly as the flames died. Her azure eyes bore holes into Liv's soul as her eyes darkened and Julie came to the forefront. Alex didn't flinch. She just kept looking into Liv's eyes.

"Alex?" Liv asked.

"I am still here."

"Why?"

"Because we have to find justice for them all, including you, Julie."

Alex felt her squeeze her hand. She knew that Julie and Liv both knew that Alex wasn't going leave. Alex smiled at her and waited.

"What do we need from in here?" Alex asked her.

"I don't know. I want to look around. I am sure that there is something in here that they missed."

"This place is a mess. How are you going to find anything in here? How do you know that there is still anything here that will help us with the case? Liv, we don't even know who trashed this place. Do you even know what you are looking for?" Alex asked her.

"I don't, but Julie does," she replied.

Alex watched her. She stood in the doorway with the ghost of Olivia as Julie took over and searched the room. George stood behind her and watched the scene. He knew that Alex was releasing the reins and letting Julie do the work that had to be done. He only hoped that they could all bring Liv back when they were done.

She tore the desk apart. She was looking for something to link the cases together. Julie knew this place. She knew Mara. She had to think like Mara. Mara had trusted Julie.

"If you wanted me to find something, where would you hide it?" she mused out loud.

"Only a place that you would look," Alex offered.

"Yeah and where would that be?" Julie asked, sitting at Mara desk.

"Well for starters, I wouldn't leave it in my desk or a safe. I wouldn't leave it out in the open, either. It would have to be a place that you would only think of or somewhere that we had used a drop before. I wouldn't leave it to chance. I would use somewhere that you would look, somewhere that only you knew about or somewhere you asked me to put, even if it was indirectly," Alex explained.

"Okay, Alex, if we were at home where would that be?"

"If we were in New York, I would send it straight to the precinct."

"Okay, that's true. But, we need to think outside of the box. She was involved with a criminal organization. She didn't have that luxury. She would have to find a way to get word to me."

"Alright, let's think about what happened the last time that you were here. What did you do? What did you talk about with Mara?" Alex asked.

"Her room!"

"We are in her office," Alex stated.

"Not this room, her other room, it's down the hall," Huang stated, holding up the binder.

"Her personal room?" Alex asked with a cocked eyebrow and a hint of jealousy.

"Yes," Liv stated, jumping up from the desk and running down the hall to Mara's room.

Alex moved out of the way just in time as Liv ran past her. George and Alex followed her down the hallway and waited outside the doorway of Mara's other business room. Alex just stared into the very red room. George actually smiled at them, knowing how uncomfortable Alex was, but was hiding it, and how at ease Julie/Liv was walking around the room.

"She wouldn't put it in the closet or under the bed. They would have looked there. Hell, it looks like they trashed this room too. They smashed her bureau open looking in it, too."

"Would she leave it here?" George asked.

"I don't know."

"Think, Liv. You knew her. You were getting her to give you information that would bring them all down. You were getting her to turn. We would have helped her and you know that. What would you have told her to do in case something happened?" George questioned.

"I told her to be sure to back up all her computer files. Put it on a thumb drive. Hide it. If something happens, I'll come looking for it. I'll know where to find. It would have to be hidden somewhere that no one would think to look. It would have to be somewhere that only Mara and I would know about, somewhere that we talked about."

"Where would that be?"

"She didn't go by Mara all the time. Sometimes she didn't want to be the madam of the house. The other girls knew that. She had a different room, a room that wasn't hers."

"Whose was it?"

"I can't remember," Liv stated.

"Think hard, Liv. Think back to the last time you were here. Did you join her in that room?"

"Yes, I did."

"Can you remember which room it was?" Alex asked, pushing her jealousy down.

"I can't."

"Think, Liv. You were Julie. You were here. What room was it?"

Liv stood still for a moment. She growled and held her head, trying to remember anything. She stared around the decimated room. Her eyes scanned everything. She landed on a picture, taped to the mirror. She walked over to it and pulled it off the mirror. She turned it around to show Alex and George.

"The girl on the right is Mara. The girl on the left is her little sister, Rebecca. She is the reason that Mara broke. D. J. got her pregnant and shipped her off. She got word that Rebecca gave birth to a healthy baby girl, who was promptly sold off to the highest bidder."

"Sweet mother of …" Alex started.

"D. J. didn't know that Rebecca was her sister. She was just another girl in his machine. She was nothing to him but a quick lay and incubator. It broke Mara. She was looking for a way out. She wanted justice for her sister and she wanted to find her niece."

"What was Rebecca doing here?" George asked.

"She was working for Mara. She was helping with the books and the girls. She was a coordinator. She wasn't working in the backrooms. She was more like a manager. She kept everything in line when Mara wasn't there."

"How did she get involved with D. J.?" Alex asked.

"We never found out. I tried to find out what I could about Rebecca after she told me. I don't know why she felt the need to tell me. I think she was warning me because of Frankie. She was scared for Frankie, I guess. I let her know that I would look around Atlanta for her."

"Did you find her?" Alex questioned.

"No, I didn't. I didn't have to. When I got back from the Montgomery run that time, she was deposited on me. I had to clean it up."

"Clean what up?" George asked.

"Rebecca was dead. I don't know how or when, but she was mess. Robin ordered me to clean it up and make it go away. I took her down to the police station after I called Ike. Ike made sure that she was taken care of and not listed as a Jane Doe. I went back to the bar and drank like nothing happened. The only thing was that I didn't know that Rebecca was the girl. She was so disfigured; I couldn't have told you who she was."

"How did you find out who she was?" Alex asked.

"They ran her prints at the Bureau. Mara had filed a missing persons report at my suggestion. She popped up as a runaway teen from Alabama. Ike sent word to the local LEOs to do the notification. Then, he let me know. I realized that I had to find a way back to Montgomery, so I could tell Mara. I started trying to watch the runs and the chatter amongst the guys. Nothing was making sense. I could follow the drugs and give the routes. I could follow the guns and give the locations. But, the children and the women, the brothels, nothing made sense in the gang chatter. I had nothing go on," Liv stated, sitting on the bed.

"What did you do?"

"Frankie asked for another long run. She figured I just needed to get out of town again. D. J. was happy to see that we were willing to take the longer runs as partners. He sent us right back to Montgomery with another run. We decided to stay with Mara at the brothel. It was then that I told her that her sister was dead.

"What did she do?" George asked.

"She took it well. She took me to her office and showed me the files that she had. She began tracking everything that was being done. She had shipments, birth, rendezvous points, pick up points, everything from her end of the operation. She told me that the money was no longer worth the casualties. Now, it was too close to home, it had affected her."

"That is when she turned."

"Yeah, she told me everything. I don't understand why she did. I never broke cover. I never told her who I was."

"You told her that her sister was dead," George stated.

"What the hell did that prove?" Liv asked, angrily.

"That you could be trusted. That you cared about what was going on and that you didn't agree with it. She may have thought that you were looking for an out. She may have thought many things. We will never know. But, you must have said something, done something, that made her think that you could fix things. It doesn't matter now. What matters is that we find the information that she was hiding so that we can get her justice," George explained.

"What name did she use on the other room? She was the madam. Ireland was for her office. Mara was for personal business. Where did she go when she didn't want anyone else to know?"

"To Rebecca's room," Liv stated.

She started out of the room slowly. She stood in the hallway. The rooms were all labeled. The doors were mostly all open and the rooms trashed. The girls that didn't get out the way and tell Robin or D. J. what they wanted to hear were killed in their rooms. It had turned into a bloody massacre. The report told her as much, but seeing the aftermath and the destruction was totally different. She turned around in a circle taking everything in and then she headed to the stairs.

Alex and George followed her blindly. They didn't know what was pushing her or where she was going. They only knew that she knew the building and the scene better than anyone. She ran up the stairs to the top floor. They knew that most of the girls kept other rooms in the top of the brothel. It was their room, their place to have a life outside of the sex and service. She knew that Mara had one, too. So did Rebecca. It was the only room in the brothel that no one was allowed in. Liv stopped in front of the door.

"The first two floors were for the working girls and business. The next two were for their personal space and personal affairs. The next floor was rented out rooms or rooms for the gang to stay in while they were in Montgomery. The top two floors were for VIPs and other clients. Rebecca's room was up there."

"I take it that is didn't say Rebecca Ireland on it so D. J. would know who she was," Alex stated.

"No, it didn't. It simply stated R. C. All the girls knew that it was Rebecca's room. She was the one who took care of the pregnant girls. They became the other clients and stayed on the top floor with her. Everyone liked her."

"Would D. J. look there?" George asked.

"I doubt it. He didn't know that Rebecca was Mara's sister. He also didn't know that I knew."

They walked into the room slowly. It wasn't destroyed. Most of the rooms on that hall weren't. D. J. had known enough to know this is where Mara kept the "merchandise." He was on the run, but he wasn't stupid. He wouldn't hurt those girls. He needed to get them out. He could start up somewhere else if he had them. He just had to get them out of Montgomery first.

Liv slowly pushed opened the door to Rebecca's room. It was all decorated in soft pinks and greens. It definitely had a feminine touch. She scanned the room. It was then that she remembered that the local LEOs hadn't touched the room. There were no notes in binder about it. This room was her missing piece.

"What is it, Liv?"

"The locals never came in here. They probably opened the door, looked around and saw no damage. They decided that this room had no significance to the case and left it alone."

George handed her a pair of gloves that he had stashed in his pockets. She immediately put them on as she continued to scan the room. As she scanned, she tried to remember what Mara had told her about Rebecca. There had to be something. Something that would hold the USB key so it would be hidden from everyone except those who knew where to look. It was then that she spotted it. She crossed the room and picked up a cup.

"A Chewbacca mug?" Alex questioned.

"They loved Star Wars. It was the one thing that they actually shared," Liv stated as she turned the cup over in her hand and held up the USB key, "It was also the one place that no one would dare to look. No one knew that Rebecca was her sister. No one knew the bond they shared. No one knew that she kept this room as a shrine to her dead sister or that she would hide in here when things became too hard to handle. This was her sacred space."

"But, who took care of the girls after Rebecca disappeared?" Alex stated.

"Mara did it personally. She never let anyone into the room. No one questioned it. No one asked. Most figured it was a storage closet because she brought towels and such out of it."

"Rebecca kept stuff in there for daily use. Mara kept it up as a ruse. Clever girl, she was."

"That she was, George, that she was. Now, let's get this back to the Bureau so we can see what's on it. I have a feeling that D. J. and Robin just earned the needle," Liv stated, with a triumph in her voice.


	37. Chapter 36- Mara

**Chapter Thirty-Six - Mara**

Rock looked at Liv across the table. Liv and Alex were talking. Abbie was reviewing the notes that Liv had made from the scene and the binder. She did give them the connections that they needed to blame D. J. and Robin for the deaths of the women in the brothel. She would like proof that Somehow they'd found out the Mara was going to flip on them.

"What is it, Rock?"

"How?"

"How what?" Liv asked him in response.

"How did you know to look in that room?" he asked.

"Mara and I had gotten close in our own way. Just because I was playing a role and undercover doesn't mean that I stop asking questions when my gut thinks that something is hinky. I know what to look for and what to do. This isn't my first rodeo, Rock. I've been doing this longer than you have had your badge," Liv told him.

"Liv, I am not sure that is what he meant. Relax, hun. We are all here to find something. We found it. Abbie has the proof that she needs on that thumb drive to link the cases. We are still waiting to find out what else on it so we can see what other charges we can add on top of it."

"I know, Alex. I am sorry. I just…I need to get out of here. Excuse me," Liv told her, standing up and leaving the conference room.

"Go with her, Alex. George and I will stay here. We'll wait to see what the tech guys pull off the thumb drive. I'll text you and Liv if we need more clarification," Abbie told her.

"Let her go blow off some steam, she deserves it. She has been running on empty for weeks. I think that being here may trigger some memories and flash backs. Be aware that Julie will be more present than Liv. Tread lightly with that, she isn't going to break, but she'll be moody."

"Thanks, George. I think I can handle a moody Benson. Keep me informed because I am sure that she is going to want to know what is going on back here. I'll call you if she can think of anything else that you might need to know," Alex explained.

"We'll be fine. You be careful. We'll meet somewhere for dinner. Go and help her relax," Abbie told her and then turned to Rock, "I need everything on this case. Not just want y'all decided to put in the binder. I want all the notes, photos, everything. And, get the techies moving. I want to be able to be back in Washington in a few days, not weeks."

* * *

Alex found Liv standing outside the FBI office building. She wasn't pacing like she normally would. She seemed almost at peace in the Southern sunshine. There was something about Liv, seeing her dressed down in Montgomery that Alex found sexy.

"Hey," Liv said as she joined her.

"Hey yourself, Beautiful," Alex replied.

Liv laughed slightly before asking, "Why do you do that?"

"Do what, Liv?"

"Love me like that?" Liv asked.

"It is easy because I have always loved you. Knowing that you love me back, now, makes it even easier. Let's get away from this for a while I got a vehicle. Let's go for a drive. Show me around Montgomery," Alex told her.

"If you want," Liv replied non-committedly.

"Is there something else that you want to do?" Alex asked, confused by her lack of want.

"I have a crazy idea, but I don't know that you'll go for it."

"Try me, Liv. I am just as restless as you are. I know that you want to go back to the crime scene so you can see more. We can if you want. I'll just text Abbie and let her know."

"I don't."

"You don't?" Alex questioned.

"No, I don't. I mean, I do, but not, right now. I need to wait until we get the information off of the thumb drive. I am sure that it will spark something that I missed in the binder or at the scene. When I know what Mara knew, it will help me then. I can go back and know what else to look for. I'll know what else could possibly be there."

"I think that you are thinking about it too hard."

"I am not. I know what Mara was thinking. I know what D. J. and Robin are capable of doing. I just don't know what clues Mara would have left me. That thumb drive is just the beginning. I am sure that there is more. What is on it may even be in code, but I have to wait to see what they pull off of it for now," Olivia explained.

"Okay, so what do you want to do?" Alex asked her.

"I don't know."

"You don't know?"

"Well, I do."

"Then just tell me," Alex told her.

"I want to go to Mara's house."

"You want to go to Mara's house?"

"Yes," Olivia answered.

"She had house besides the brothel?"

"Yes."

"But, the Bureau never said anything about it. If you know where it is, why don't they? What didn't you tell Rock and the rest?" Alex questioned.

"Mara was the name of the madam that ran the brothel. It wasn't her real name. It was the name that she ran the business under. It was the only name that D. J. and Robin knew her under."

"Smart move on her part," Alex stated.

"You have no idea."

"Then what is her real name?"

"Her real name is Moira Hope O'Leary."

"She's Irish?"

"And as Catholic as Elliot," Liv stated.

"Wow, didn't see that coming."

"Yeah, neither did I. She told me as a secret. She wanted me to know when I let her know about the fate of her sister. She knew then that she could trust me. I was trying to figure out how to let Ike and Russell know the truth about her when all Hell broke loose in Atlanta. I had to do damage control. I didn't have time to let anyone know anything, because I was too worried about saving Frankie and myself," Liv told her.

"I am sorry."

"Sorry for what?" Liv asked her.

"That I wasn't there for you. That I couldn't be there for you. That you couldn't let me know. That I was too wrapped up in my own need to feel and feel like I had a purpose that I left you."

Olivia gathered her up, as they continued to stand on the sidewalk in front of the government building. She kissed Alex, fully and without reservation. She wanted Alex to feel everything that she was feeling. She wanted to erase the pain that their separation had caused them both.

"It isn't your fault."

"But, if I hadn't left—"

"We wouldn't be here now. We might not be together. We would possibly still be fighting how we feel about each other. Who knows Alex? Who knows where we would be? Let's agree to stop thinking about what could have happened and focus on what we have now. That is what is important now. We have each other."

"I love you," Alex told her.

"I love you, too, Alex."

"I…you're right. We do need to focus on us and our family with Xander. It is the most important thing to me now," Alex said.

"Will you go to her house with me?"

"Yes," Alex replied.

"No questions?"

"None."

"Interesting."

"Why?"

"I am just waiting for your inner lawyer to come out and shut me down."

"That is the part that is driving me to find out what else that Mara could tell us. If she can give us more from the grave, then she will help us find her justice, not only for herself but also for her sister. I want to help. I want to help you get their justice."

"Then, let's go. I am sure that we can find something. I don't know what or if it will help, but I am sure that she left us something."

"Then, let's go find it, Liv. Let's get your justice. Let's solve this case so it can go to trial and we can go home to Xander."

* * *

Liv pulled into the driveway of a house. Alex looked at it. It was modest but it was nice. The lush lawn and the gardens belied its true owner's nature. It looked like a house out of Better Homes and Garden.

The house was a simple ranch style that was commonly built in the late 1970s or early 1980s. It was brick and dark red in color. The pale green shutters offset the coloring of the brick. The rest of the trim was black and white. The dark black roof was waving off heat. The front door was the same color of the shutters. It had a very decorative glass in a three quarter oval. The ornate glass had nickel caming that matched the nickel hardware. The nickel house numbers proclaimed that it was 1508.

Liv walked to the front door. She paused at the door and waited for Alex to join her. Alex was still trying to figure out how a madam lived in such a beautiful house. She kept thinking about secrets that Mara must have kept in order to have completely different lives. Then she looked at Liv. She understood.

"What's wrong?"

"I understand Julie more and more as we investigate this case."

"Why is that?"

"Because she is you."

"You've been telling me that for weeks."

"I know, but there are some many things that make it more real every day. We both had to hide our real identities to protect ourselves, but at what cost? What did it cost us? We were hiding to help a case. What was Mara hiding from? Why did she pose as the madam?" Alex asked.

"I don't know. I never thought to ask. I mean I should have but I was so flabbergasted by the news that she gave me about the trafficking of the babies and girls that it didn't matter. My inner detective came out and I tried to find out as much information that I could so the FBI could stop it. I never thought about who was telling me anything. I was undercover to get information."

"No one is faulting you for that. We all understand. You were doing your job, just like anyone of us would have," Alex told her.

"I should have known something. I should have asked more questions. I should have dug deeper. I could have saved her if I had," Liv stated.

"I don't think that you would have. But, we can't keep trying to beat ourselves up about what we couldn't do. We need to do what we can now."

"I know that. I found the key. Let's go inside."

"You aren't scared that someone is going to call the cops about this?"

"We are in suburbia and I opened the door with a key. At most, any noisy neighbor is going to call Mara's cell phone and leave a message that we were here. But, more than likely, no one is going to do anything. They are going to know that we were here but they aren't going to tell anyone. People have a tendency to stay to themselves more and more these days."

"What happened to getting to know your neighbors?" Alex asked.

"Do you know your neighbors, Alexandra?"

"Well, no, but…I see what you did there."

"After you, darling," Liv stated, smiling, holding the door open.

"What are we looking for?" Alex asked going inside.

"I have no idea. I am sure that Mara left something of value for the case here. How could she not? This is her home. This is where she didn't have to be Mara. This was her sanctuary. She could hide here and no one would know about it," Olivia stated.

"Bedroom?"

"I was thinking office and kitchen, first."

"Really?"

"Bedrooms are too obvious. She wasn't an obvious person. She was the perfect madam in the brothel, but get her out of it and she was a very private person. She was just Mara to me."

"I know I may have asked before but did you ever…"

"No, Alex, I never did anything with Mara. Our relationship was strictly business. We flirted in front of people because we needed to, but we both learned early on that nothing was going to happen between us. Besides, I think that she had guy that she was serious with."

"A guy?"

"Yeah, a guy," Liv answered.

"Don't you think that we should talk to him?" Alex asked.

"After we search the house," Liv replied.


	38. Chapter 37- Alters

**A/N: This has been a productive weekend for me writing. I hope that you enjoy the next installment. Part of this is for Lovesfanfic and part is for Jbcjazz...like I've said before, if you want to see something and I can find a way to put it in there, I will. Review and let me know what you think. Hopefully, there will be more tomorrow. ~JET**

**Chapter Thirty-Seven - Alters**

Liv led Alex into the house. It was lavishly decorated. The exterior belied the interior completely. Alex had to admit she was impressed what Mara had done with the space. If Mara had survived, Alex would have asked her to redecorate her apartment back in New York.

"This way," Liv stated taking Alex's hand.

Alex followed her. The entire time her mind was searching for a reason that Liv would have a reason to know where Mara lived. She decided that she didn't want to know. It was the past and it didn't matter. She just needed to worry about the case and making her life with Liv.

"I know what you are thinking."

"What?" Alex questioned, coming back to the here and now.

"You're wondering why I was ever here."

"I am not going to lie. It crossed my mind, but I know that you had to do a lot of things while you were undercover, Liv. I know that I might get jealous, but I know it was for the case. I'm learning to get past that and not let it get me. It doesn't really matter," Alex told her.

"I almost broke cover."

"What?"

"That is why I was here," Liv told her.

"You broke cover?"

"No, I almost broke cover. I came to Montgomery on a run and delivery. I made the stop and went to the brothel to exchange my cash like I would normally do. It seemed like a normal drop. There wasn't anything unusual that I could see until I got to the brothel," Liv stated.

"What happened?"

"It was full. The whole brothel was full of girls. I didn't know what that meant. I didn't find out until later. Frankie was in Atlanta. I called her and let her know that I wouldn't be back on time. It was late and I was going to stay in Montgomery for the night. It wasn't that unusual that I would stay over for the night. She knew what runs were like. She knew that I wasn't cheating on her. I wasn't in it for that and she knew it."

Alex watched Liv went into a back room. It was the only room in the house that she saw was painted white. The trim was all a royal blue and all the accenting furniture in the room was the same color. It was as she glanced around the room that she saw that the windows were in accenting the massive computer that was against the wall.

"What is that?"

"Mara's real business."

"Her real business?" Alex questioned.

"Yeah, she was using the brothel as alternative lifestyle. She wanted some excitement. I think she didn't know what she was getting herself into, but she could leave all this behind. She needed something to keep herself grounded."

"What did she do?" Alex asked, studying the major hardware of the massive computer.

"She ran numbers for stocks. She was a computer trader. She majored in finance in school. She was notoriously good at it. She could move money faster than the feds could keep up, that is why D. J. sought her out. He had heard about her skills while he was setting up drops in town. She fell for the dangerous boy and then couldn't get out."

"But, he never knew her real name?" Alex questioned.

"She was smart. She never gave him her real name. She told that her name was Moira which he mispronounced. When he called her Mara, she kept it. She didn't know what he was into at the time but she knew that he was dangerous. It was the girl seeks bad boy complex. She realized that she found the ultimate bad boy a little too late and there was no way to break free without her dying or her family. She figured that she would document everything that she could from her end and hide it. It would be her protection if the Feds came down on her."

"She told you this," Alex stated.

"In around about way, yeah, she did. She could tell that I wasn't on the up and up when it came to the operation. She couldn't put her finger on it, but she told me that she wouldn't turn on me. She came me some insurance to that effect as well. I gave some stuff to Ike. It helped us leak some of the runs to other towns. Everything that she gave me was corroborated and investigated. It was information that we didn't have. She brought more lines into the mix. Runs and warehouses that we didn't know about."

"So what was she doing here?" Alex asked.

"Following the money."

"I don't understand."

"She started tracking the shipments and the movements of the drugs. Where they came in the States, where they were distributed, where they were passed along to local gangs, and where the money moved around, it is all there. She was very thorough with it," Liv told her.

"How did you find out about this?"

"She called me at the brothel. She told Rebecca to give me another number to call. She needed record my arrival and delivery. She was a logistics genius. She gave a dump cell number. I had Ike run it later. She told me to meet her at the Riverwalk. We would talk there and she would me a place to stay for the night, since I couldn't hole up at the brothel."

"None of this in the report that I was given by Dana," Alex stated.

"Of course it isn't. Do you think that the Bureau wants the rest of the government to know that one person did most of their investigation for them? No, they don't. If they had figured it out and gotten to Mara in the first place, then they could have ended the investigation years ago. The problem was that no one knew that she was doing the research. No one knew how much she knew and D. J. kept her on edge. She was kept unhinge and moving by D. J. He never gave her enough time to do anything for herself."

"Then how did she manage to accomplish all this?" Alex inquired.

"She was good. She was very good. Every spare moment she spent cataloging and making spreadsheets for the shipments and breakdowns. She had so much information that she had to figure out how to break it all down in a more understandable fashion. I think that she was working on a packet to send in to the police."

"She was going to turn herself in?"

"I think she would have. She would have made a deal and I am sure that any DA in their right mind would take it. As soon as she turned State's evidence, the FBI would have swooped in and taken over. She knew that it was a global and country wide operation. She was just a cog but she knew the main ins and outs of the entire operation."

"Yes, they would have. But, that still doesn't explain how you ended up here? How did you find out about her house and this life?" Alex asked.

"I am getting to that," Liv stated as she sat down to the computer.

Alex just watched her as she turned her attention to the computer. Liv continued through the boot process and started to pull up some of the files that Mara had compiled and created. She reached over with a practiced ease and turned the printer on as she began the task of printing them all to take back to Rock for processing.

"Mara wasn't a fool," Liv stated turning around in the chair and looking at Alex with darkening eyes. There was something in her voice that Alex noticed but chose not to acknowledge. Alex knew when it came to the case that Liv got a little emotional and over-bearing.

"Alex, she knew what she was doing. She didn't know the outcome, but she knew that she had to do what she was doing. It was like a Catch 22. She didn't care about the outcome or what would happen to her. She was doing it for justice. She was doing it for her own conscience."

"Liv, you've told me that she hid her name. You've told me about her sister and her want for justice for her. But, now, you're telling me that she wanted to bring the whole gang down. I don't understand how a finance wiz became involved so deeply with a criminal organization. It just doesn't make sense," Alex stated.

"I know that. She knew that. I don't know what else to tell you, but that she brought me out here once we left the Riverwalk. It didn't make sense to me then and it still doesn't make sense to me now. All, I know is what we need what's on this computer."

"You are going to give this information to Rock so they can come search this place?"

"Yeah, I guess I will. But, this," Liv stated, holding the stack of papers, "This is going straight to Abbie. She'll need this. She'll need a good forensic accountant to make sense of it all, but I am sure that Abbie will be able to make it happen. I am tired of this place. I want to go home."

"What about Mara?" Alex asked.

"We've gotten what we need. Abbie will do the rest. I need to let it go."

"Olivia Benson, why are you lying to me?"

"I am not."

"I know that you want to go back to the other scene."

"I do, but not today."

"We don't have to go back today, but we do need to go back. We'll drop this off and head back to the hotel. I know that you need to vent. But, you need to do it outside of this place," Alex told her.

"That sounds good, but I need to make a stop on the way back to hotel. There is something that I need to pick up. It is just something small," Liv stated.

"Does it have to do with the case?"

"No, not at all," Liv answered.

"Wanna tell me where you need to go to get it?" Alex asked.

"No, I'll drive. It'll only take a second. Besides, it's on the way back."

"If you need, then make the stop. I'm not going to stop you, Liv. It's your choice. Let's just get out of here so we can back to Quantico soon. I am finding Montgomery lacking in so called Southern Charm. I am tired of searching for clues and dealing in with cases. I just want to come home and start our lives together," Alex explained.

"Sounds like a good idea. Come on let's go. I'm ready to go."

Liv pulled her into their hotel room. Alex wasn't prepared for the want and the need in Liv's eyes. It was different than before. It was different than when they were at Quantico. Alex watched her. There was something in the way that Liv was looking at Alex that was almost unsettling. The carnal look in Liv's eyes didn't frighten her, but it was unnerving.

Olivia threw the bag she'd picked up on the way back to the hotel on the bed. She still held Alex's hand, like it was an anchor to the world she so desperately wanted to keep inside. She stared into the deep recesses of Alex's eyes. She pulled Alex into her.

Slowly and methodically, she pulled Alex's glasses off her face and set them on the desk. Next, she took out the hair tie that held Alex's hair back. Liv buried her hands in it as she fanned it out across Alex's shoulders. Alex just watched as Liv's eyes got darker and darker until they were black. She reached up to touch Liv's face, but Liv stopped her hand.

She took Alex's hand, gently, and she kissed it. She didn't release it. She used Alex's hand to push her onto the bed. Alex wasn't ready for it. She hit the bed and pulled herself up somewhat. Olivia was on top of her before she knew what to do.

"Liv?"

"Shh."

"Liv," Alex tried again.

"Alex, for once don't think about it and let me do this."

Alex wasn't sure who was talking to her at the moment, but Liv wasn't going to give her enough time to try and figure it out. She descended upon Alex's neck, nipping and kissing. When she hit the sensitive spot at Alex's pulse point, Alex lost all reason and grabbed ahold of Liv's body.

She wasted no time in stripping Alex down. Somewhere in the sheading of their clothes, Liv managed to get them under the covers. It was a small favor as they both shivered in delight of each other's body. Alex didn't know how far and what Olivia wanted, but she was willing to let Liv dictate their session.

Liv continued to worship Alex's pale body, enjoying the way their skin contrasted against each other in the sunlight. She sucked and bit. She kissed and touched. Alex was ready to explode if she didn't get some attention lower soon. Liv seemed bent on avoiding direct stimulation to anything below Alex's waist or anything above her knees. It was starting to hurt, the need was becoming painful, and Alex moaned.

"Do you trust me?" Liv asked her, breathlessly.

Alex opened her sapphire eyes to stare into Liv's coal black. She bit her lip in anticipation. Liv stared down at Alex and smiled. She finally had everything she wanted. She'd found her justice. She'd found her emotional side and embraced it. She'd finally gotten Alex and she wasn't going to let go. She even got a child in the mix. Olivia was happy. Alex made her happy. She loved her so much. Alex watched the war in Liv's eyes.

Alex saw her eyes lighten to their usual caramel color when she was happy. She saw the raw chocolate brown of the edgy, angry, or fixated Liv. Then it progressed darker to an ebony color that Alex had only witnessed in Quantico. She knew that Liv was fighting to keep Julie at bay and then they merged into one. Alex didn't resist her. She loved her and she knew that Julie was part of Liv, so in her own way she loved Julie, too.

Liv saw the surrender in Alex's eyes. She saw the depth of love in Alex's eyes. She still waited for Alex to answer her.

"Do you trust me, Alex?" she asked, again.

"Yes," Alex whispered.

It was all that Liv needed to hear. She felt a rush and she had to have Alex. The passion that they felt was just too much not to share with one another. She needed Alex to know how much she loved her. She could see the way that Alex loved her, but now it was her time to show.

She pulled Alex's hand up above her head and had her grip the head board. She gave Alex a look that told her to not let go. She then slowly reached over into the bag on the bed, that somehow hadn't met the floor yet. She pulled out a blindfold and put it on Alex's face. Alex blinked in fear for just a second but she didn't move as Liv seated it over her eyes.

"Can you see?"

"No."

"Do you still trust me?"

"Yes."

"I love you."

"I love you, too, Olivia."

Alex could hear her rustling around. She felt the weight on the bed shift on and off again. She didn't let go of the headboard. She felt Liv get between her legs again. She felt Liv stroke her thighs. She heard every movement. She felt every breath. She could smell the desire they were both evoking, but there was something else in the air.

"Alex, if you want me to stop, tell me. I don't want to scare you or hurt you. You'll tell me?"

"Yes."

"I love you."

"I love you, too."

She felt Liv's body merge with hers. There was something between them. She could feel it, but she didn't know what it was at first. She felt Liv's hand skim down her chest, her stomach, and her mound. She felt Liv's fingers plunge into her core finding the silky wetness that Liv had created. She felt Liv pull out and she whimpered in need. She heard Liv's slight chuckle and then she felt Liv's hands again. She was opening her, spreading her, preparing her.

She felt Liv's hip move forward. She felt Liv's hands move to her hips as Liv filled her. It was different. It was cold at first, unyielding, but thick and full. It uncomfortable at first until her body got used to size of it. When she realized that both of Liv's hands were on hips, holding them to the bed, and she was still being fulfilled, she realized what Liv had done.

"Baby?" Liv asked.

"Yes."

"Do you like this?"

"Yes."

"Do you want more?" Liv asked, rocking her hips slightly.

"Yes."

Liv began to thrust inside her in earnest. The whimpers and moans falling from Alex's mouth urged her on. She could feel herself falling toward oblivion. She couldn't believe how close she felt to Alex in that moment. She couldn't believe how good it felt to be inside her, to be pleasuring her in that way. It was such a rush, such an intimate closeness that they had never shared. Alex came first and for once was speechless as she did.

Liv reached up and tore the blindfold from Alex's head. She burned her gaze in the Alex's as she neared her own release. Her eyes were still dark as coal and her body was taught like a bow string. She was on the edge and Alex could see it.

"Just let go, Liv."

"Say you love me."

"I love you."

"Say my name."

"I love you, Olivia."

"Say my other name."

Alex stiffened. She didn't know what to say. She didn't know what to do.

"Say my name, Alexandra," Julie begged, the need evident in her voice.

"Julie…"

And, with that, Julie came, hard. Alex remained stiff and ridged. She didn't know what to do. She knew that Julie and Liv were one, but this time that thought didn't make it better.


	39. Chapter 38- Mess

**Chapter Thirty-Eight - Mess**

It was sometime in the afternoon that Olivia woke up. She was groggy and naked. She smiled at the thought of a lazy afternoon in bed with Alex, until she saw the bag on the floor. Her brows furrowed in confusion at the name on the bag. She couldn't remember going to a sex shop, let alone one named the "Nymph's Closet." She reached down and glanced in the bag. She dropped it back on the floor.

She immediately got up and looked around for Alex. When she couldn't find Alex in the hotel room, she grabbed a pair of boxers and a tank top. She grabbed her cell. There were no texts or calls. She looked at the phone, trying to make a message or a voice mail appear. All she saw was the clock count another minute. It was two fifty two.

Alex was gone and she was alone in the hotel room. She felt a sudden wave of panic. She clutched at her chest and fell down. She had somehow ruined everything. She lost it all, again.

She curled up in the corner. She began rocking. She knew that it wasn't a mentally healthy position but at the moment she didn't care. She didn't what caused her break, but she knew that she had. Julie had come out and she didn't know about it. It was like the memories were gone. Somehow she's hurt Alex, she just knew it.

She gripped her phone as she continued to rock. The tears and the emotional walls that she had taken so long in building because of her past were crumbling down quickly. Julie was going to be death of her, she knew it. Julie needed to be put into check. Julie needed to be … erased.

Olivia didn't know what to do. She didn't know what to say. She needed to see Alex, but she was afraid of what she would find out. She was afraid of what she may have done.

She finally stopped rocking but didn't get out of the corner she'd put herself in. She looked down at her phone. She tapped the contacts icon and scrolled through them. She stopped at Alex's number. She hesitated, letting her thumb hover over it before she scrolled further down into her contact list. She didn't want to hear what she'd done yet. She didn't want to know. It scared her that badly. She stopped on Huang's number and tapped it, calling him.

"Liv? Liv, is that you? What's wrong?" he asked.

"I don't know."

"Where are you?" he asked her.

"I am at the hotel," she replied.

"What happened?"

"I don't know, George. I don't know. I woke up here and Alex is gone."

"Alex isn't with you?"

"No, I don't know where she is," Liv told him as she started crying again.

"Stay where you are. I'll be there as soon as I can be. Are you okay? Liv, are you hurt?"

"I…I don't know. I don't think so. I think that I'm okay. I am not hurt. George…where is Alex?"

* * *

Abbie heard that Alex wasn't with Olivia. She could see the fear in George's eyes. When their eyes met in similar worry, she pulled her phone out and called Alex. She motioned for George to keep Olivia on the phone. There more they could find out from Liv the faster and easier it would be to find Alex.

Abbie waited. Alex didn't pick up. It went to voice mail. George had hung up and was waiting on Abbie.

"She doesn't know where Alex is. She doesn't remember going back to the hotel. Something is majorly wrong, Abbie. I am going over there to check on her. Did you get Alex?" George asked her.

"No, it went to voice mail. I'll try here again. You go to Liv. When I know something more, I'll let you know. Go. We'll take care of it. They'll be okay, George. They'll be okay. They have to be okay," Abbie told him, the desperation in her voice very thick.

He nodded as he left. Rock watched them, but said nothing. Abbie tried Alex again.

"Everything okay?" Rock questioned.

"Fine," Abbie answered curtly.

Rock watched her as she paced for minute. Her eyes narrowed on him as she tried Alex again. Abbie was starting to worry. It was only because she knew that Olivia wouldn't call unless something was wrong and the look on George's face when he left. It didn't help that Alex wasn't answering her phone. Suddenly the FBI offices were stifling and Abbie didn't like the way that Rock was watching her. She gathered her briefcase and left the building, continuing to dial Alex.

She made her way outside the FBI building and sat on a bench. She willed Alex to answer the phone this time when she called. It was early afternoon, but there was just something that was making Abbie uneasy. She knew things were still rough between Liv and Alex, but she never thought that Alex would hide in a foreign city because something happened.

"Come on, Alex. Answer your damn phone, woman. Where are you?"

"Abbie?"

"Alex, thank God. Are you okay? Where are you? What happened?" Abbie asked.

"I am at the Museum of Fine Art."

"But, you're okay?"

"I'm fine, I guess. What's wrong? Why have you been hounding me?" Alex asked.

"Stay there. I'm coming to you. Don't argue with me, Cabot. I can tell when you need to talk. Now, would be one of those times."

"Is Liv okay?"

"You don't know?" Abbie asked.

"It's complicated," Alex answered.

"Isn't it always with you two, Cabot? George went to her. I don't know what she told him on the phone but it was enough to worry us both. Like, I said, I'll meet you there."

Twenty minutes later, Abbie found herself outside the Museum. She walked in, paid the attendance fees and started wandering around knowing that she would find Alex in the Blount Gallery once she had studied the museum's gallery map. She found Alex sitting in front of a painting by Winslow Homer.

Abbie noticed that the usual air of superiority and sophistication that emanated from Alex was gone. The emotional side that she had become used to seeing from Alex since her return from the Congo was there, but it was more reserved. She seemed defeated, broken and defeated.

"You wanna tell me what happened?" Abbie asked as she sat down next to Alex.

"You know that I don't."

"So, we are just going to sit here and stare at art."

"It crossed my mind to waste the afternoon this way. I haven't been able to go to the Met lately and just look at art. I miss being able to do this," Alex stated.

"Alex, talk to me. I know that something is wrong. Why else would you be here while we here to help solve a case? There is something horribly wrong right now. Spill it, Alex. This is me you're talking to. I've known you since our undergrad. What the hell happened that made you come here to get away from it? It had to be something big. Olivia called George looking for you," Abbie told her.

"She called George?"

"Yeah, she did."

"When?"

"Minutes before I started calling you," Abbie stated.

Alex turned and looked at Abbie. She could see the worry on Abbie's face. Alex didn't know what to say. She didn't know what to do. She'd never been in a situation like this. She also didn't know how to explain what happened to anyone. She wasn't sure that she wanted to try to explain. She wasn't sure that she wanted to remember that it even happened.

It had started out so hot. Liv had hit on a secret fantasy of hers and fulfilled it. Then, things went dark…horribly, uncontrollably, devastatingly wrong. How did she tell Abbie about that?

"Alex, talk to me," Abbie pleaded.

"I…can't. I don't know what to say. I don't even know how to explain it to myself, let alone try to explain it to you," Alex replied.

"Try me, Cabot. I'm a prosecutor. What haven't I heard?" Abbie asked.

"It has to do with my sex life."

"If that means that you are going to tell me about Detective McHottie, do tell."

Alex smirked a little. She knew that Abbie meant well. She wondered how Abbie would have reacted to what happened between them. Abbie was one of Alex's best friends. She had always been there for her and her girlfriend Serena was the other one who helped rebuild Alex. Abbie and Serena were the only ones that Alex trusted after Olivia.

"Alex, come on. It can't be that bad. We've stayed up at Harvard over pints of ice cream telling each other about our turn to the dark side and lesbianism. Just tell me," Abbie said, scooting closer and taking Alex's hand.

Alex turned again and looked into Abbie's dark eyes. Her mind began to wander back to Olivia and her chocolate colored eyes Alex laughed and the similarities and the stark differences between Olivia and Abbie.

"What?" Abbie asked.

"I was just thinking about how close you and Liv are to one another. But, despite your similarities, you are very different. Your temperament is one of those differences."

"Did she say something?"

"You could say that," Alex answered.

"Well, what was it?"

"She told me to call her Julie."

"Her undercover name?"

"It is."

"You think her being here is causing her to relapse?" Abbie questioned.

"Yeah, I do. But, it is more than that. I just don't know what I am supposed to do. How am I supposed to deal with her when she does that?"

"Tell me that she didn't do it while y'all were going at it," Abbie begged.

"I wish that I could. I can't. I…went rigid. I didn't know what to do."

"Oh, honey, I am sorry. I am sure that it was a shock. Did she say anything else?"

"It was right after…she asked me to tell her that I loved her."

"What did you say?" Abbie asked, furrowing her brows.

"I said: 'I love you, Olivia'."

"And, then what did she say?"

"Say my other name," Alex answered.

"Ouch."

"Well, it wasn't a pleasant experience, no. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to say. I love Olivia and I know that Julie is part of her. I just wasn't prepared to have sex with Julie. I've dealt with her. I've spoken with her. I might have even been amorous with her, but to have sex with her is completely different. It seems like almost I was cheating on Olivia with Olivia."

"After all that, you feel like you cheated on her?" Abbie questioned, confused.

"Yes!"

"That is why you are here?"

"Partially," Alex replied.

"Then talk to me. Tell me what is going on in that head of yours. What are you thinking?"

"I don't know what to say to her. I don't know what to feel. Abbie, it was one of the hottest experiences that I have ever had, up until the end. How do I look her in the eye and know that she is the one who experienced it with me? How do I deal with Julie?"

"You need to talk to Olivia."

"I know that. I was scared. I was felt like I had done something to her. Abbie, I don't know what her trigger is. That is my problem. I can't tell myself that it isn't something that I did."

"Alex, none of this is your fault."

"Prove that, Abbie. Prove to me that none of this is my fault. Convince me that my having sex with Liv wasn't partially my fault. When you can do that, let me know," Alex stated standing.

"Alex…"

"Don't, Abbie. Just don't. I don't know what triggered her. I am upset and I believe rightfully so, but I can't continue to blame her. I think that George and I let her move forward too fast. Possibly the truth of the matter is that she doesn't have as good of rein on Julie as we previously thought. How can we ever know?" Alex asked.

"Julie was just a name."

"Tell that to Liv's brain."

"Alex…talk to her."

"What the hell am I supposed to say?"

"This is a big fucking mess," Abbie replied.

"Yeah, I know. I love her, Abbie, but how do I even broach the subject. 'Hey, babe, this afternoon was great, but…I would prefer it Julie didn't make an appearance in the bed.' That would go over real well. Damn it, I just don't know what to do. I don't think that I know anyone who has dealt with a situation like this. I certainly don't have anything from my SVU playbook to use," Alex explained.

"I know that, Alex. You still have to talk to her. You can't let this go. It is a huge fucking mess, you're right, but still it has to be address. If you don't take care of this now, what are you going to do when you get back to New York and you have to deal with it then? What are you going to do when it starts to affect Xander? I understand that you can find a way to deal with this because well, you are a Cabot. You can handle anything. But, Xander, he isn't a Cabot, Alex. Hell, he isn't even really a Benson."

"What are you trying to say?" Alex asked starting to get angry with Abbie for bringing Xander into the conversation, her maternal instincts flaring.

"Calm down, Mother Bear. I meant that we all need to help Olivia deal with Julie now, once and for all. If she is actually part of Olivia's psyche, she needs to be reabsorbed. It won't do anyone any good if she remains like a split personality," Abbie explained.

"That is why George is here."

"Then he better help her get a grip. I would hate to have to do something that we might all regret later. I am not going to sit back and let her hurt you, again, Alex. I know that y'all think that now is your time and that everything is going to be hunky-dory once y'all get back to New York, but, Darlin', we need to nip this in the bud now, before Xander can understand what's going on."

"I agree. I guess I should talk with George. It might help Liv. We need to find out what the trigger is so we can learn to control it," Alex stated.

* * *

"Liv?" George said, entering the hotel room via the shared door between the rooms.

He found Liv still huddled in the corner. Eyes swollen from crying and fear, hair disheveled and her clothes still looked like they were just thrown on. He couldn't tell how long she had been in that position, but he knew what time she and Alex had left the office. He couldn't fathom what happened to make them separate like this and Liv to be surrendering to her fear. He knew that this wasn't like Liv. He wondered what triggered this "break."

"Liv?"

"George?"

"Yeah, it is me. What happened? Why are you in the corner?" he asked her.

"I don't know. I woke up and Alex was gone. I didn't know what happened."

"So, you called me?" he asked.

"Yeah, I did. I called you because I found this," she said handing him the bag from the sex store, "I don't remember buying this. I don't remember using it either, but it is obvious that it has been used. George, what did I do?"

"I don't know, Liv."

"I don't, either."

"Can you think of anything? What is the last thing that you remember happening? Where did you and Alex go after you left eh office?" he asked.

"We went to Mara's house."

""Mara's house?"

"Yeah, her real home and not the brothel. Something came over me there and I wanted to leave. I told Alex that I wanted to go through the evidence and give it to Abbie. I was ready to go home. I was tired of being here. I was tired of being on this case. I made the decision that I was done with it. There was nothing more that I could contribute that would change the outcome of the trial once there was one. All, I was doing now was working on adding more charges to the case. We should be able to get the conviction with no problem. I not even worried about sentencing," Liv told him.

"Why is that?"

"Because it doesn't matter if they get the needle or life. Either way they'll both behind bars. No one will be able to protect them behind bars. Let the right people know what they were going and jail justice will take care of the rest."

"You're giving up?" George asked her.

"No, I am not. I am giving in to something that I should have realized months ago. I am doing what I have to for my family. I want to go home, George. I tire of Virginia and everything about it. I don't want to be here. I know that we found what we needed on that USB key. I know that Abbie will be able to get the win for us in the case. I don't need to keep digging. I need to stop obsessing with this case. I need to turn that energy over to Alex and Xander. They deserve that," Liv told him.

"Liv, I understand everything that you have told me. I can see that you started to think this through before something happened. We need to find out what that was. We need to find out why you seem to be missing time and what happened to you while you did," George told her.

"I think I can answer that," Alex stated standing in the doorway.

Abbie was standing behind her. Liv looked from Alex to Abbie and back again. The look on Alex's face broke her heart. The look on Abbie's face made her want to punch something. George was now even more thoroughly confused. He didn't know what to do.

"Okay, Alex, can you tell me what happened?"

"Yes."

"Alex, I don't know what I did, but I'm sorry," Liv interjected before Alex could say more.

Alex looked even more wounded by her apology. Liv didn't know what to do. She was getting overwhelmed by the situation. She got up, tears streaming down her face and she ran into the bathroom. Alex and Abbie looked stunned. George shook his head, realizing that Liv was breaking.

"We need to find her trigger. It is something here. Something happened today that triggered something in her memory," George stated.

"I know that."

"How do you know that?" George asked Alex, astonished that she recognized what was going with the emotional Olivia.

"Julie came out to play," Alex stated.

"Oh, dear," George stated and then asked, "Do I want to know what happened?"

"No, you don't. I know that it wasn't the act that brought her out. It had to be something at the house. Liv must have seen something and her brain started processing it. Julie just took over on our way back to the room," Alex replied.

"What were you looking at?" Abbie finally asked her.

"This," Alex answered, handing her the stack of papers off the desk.

"What's this?"

"More evidence of D. J. and Robin's crimes thanks to Mara."

"These are magnificent. Where did you get these? Who? Why?" Abbie started questioning as she looked over the papers.

"Mara was trying to appease her conscience. She took notes and kept them at her house. I don't know how D. J. and Robin found out about her, but somehow they did. She was a brilliant girl who fell for the quintessential bad boy. There is more there. I don't think that Liv wants to tell Rock about it. Maybe we should just go back, Abbie."

"We could do that. Rock did seem a little uninterested in the case. I would hate to bother him. I call a judge friend of mine so we can get the warrant. That way no one can say that we didn't do it right and make whatever evidence is there go away."

"That sounds like a plan. We need to go back to the scene, too. Think you can swing that, too?"

"That shouldn't be a problem. I'll get them to email me the warrant. That way we don't have to go back to the FBI field office and let them know. Do you think that'll help Liv?"

"I'll go and deal with Rock. You take Liv with you tomorrow. We need to know what it was that triggered her break. But, before we do anything, we have to get her out of the bathroom. We need to talk to her. We need to make her understand that this isn't her fault. We need to be there for her. We need make her understand that something triggered her lapse," George stated.

"That we do," Abbie replied.

"Let me see what I can do. I feel partially responsible for her anguish right now. I shouldn't have run off like that, but I needed to think things through before I said anything to her."

Alex walked to the bathroom door. She knocked gently on it, saying Olivia's name, hoping that it would coax her to open the door or at least let her in so they could talk. Alex didn't get the response she was hoping for at all.

"I'll kill you!" she heard from behind the bathroom door.

Liv's voice was clear as day. They stared at each other, not knowing what to do. They didn't have time to question anything. They heard Olivia scream and then the shattering of glass. Alex's eyes welled up with tears. Abbie's eyes widen as she ran to the door. George was reaching for his phone about to dial 9-1-1 when he met Alex's eyes and stopped. They would deal with it on their own. If they needed help, then they would call for it.

Alex tried to get her to open the bathroom door again. She heard Liv arguing. She could hear her talking to someone. Abbie looked like she was about to break the door down and pull Liv out forcefully.

"No, I can't let you do that!" they heard Liv shout. There was a loud thud against the wall. More glass could be heard breaking and hitting the vanity, shattering. Alex and Abbie shouldered into the bathroom door, busting it open to get to Liv.

"Not again," Liv kept saying over and over again.


	40. Chapter 39- Shock

**Chapter Thirty-Nine - Shock**

Alex gathered Liv up into her arms. Abbie stood amazed, not knowing what to do. Alex reached out and grabbed a towel. She wrapped it around Liv's hands. She reached back to grab another one and Abbie handed it to her. She took it and tore it into strips. Abbie just watched, still in shock.

"Get George," Alex said, sharply.

Abbie left the bathroom and found George not far away. He looked worried, but not as worried as Abbie was. She just stood in front of him. He watched her body language for a few moments before he said anything to her.

"What do I need to do?" he asked.

"She's hurt," Abbie stated.

"Hurt how, Abbie?" he questioned.

"She's bleeding."

"Okay, I have some supplies that I always travel with. Do I need to get those? Do we need to call an ambulance?"

"No, ambulance, but I think that Alex needs you," Abbie stated.

"Why don't you sit here on the bed, Abbie? I'll go get my kit and I'll be right back. I need you to calm down, okay. I am going to take care of her. Everything will be okay," he told her.

Abbie sat on the bed and tried to take deep breaths. She was trying to calm herself down. She knew that she needed to stay calm for Alex, for Liv and for herself. She watched George go into their hotel room and come back with a small bag. He smiled at her, trying to comfort her, as he walked passed and into the bathroom.

He found Alex holding Olivia leaning against the tub. He didn't say anything. He took stock of the situation quickly and then knelt down next to them. He saw that the mirror was broken. It looked like it had been punched repeatedly.

"Liv, can I see your hands?" he asked as Alex released her just a little.

"Yes," she whispered.

He held out his hand and waited for her to reciprocate. She slowly held out her hand. He saw that Alex has wrapped it with a towel. He pulled down the toilet seat lid and put his kit on top of it. He took out some gauze, tweezers, and a needle and thread.

He gently took Liv's hand and unwrapped it. He gingerly probed her fingers and palm. He saw the small pieces of glass. He gently placed her hand on the clean bits of towels that Alex still had near them. He stood up, got a wash cloth, wetted it and sat back down. He took Liv's hand and cleaned it up. He grabbed his tweezers and pulled the bits of glass out that he could see. Liv didn't even flinch. He made a pile of soiled towels, cloth bits, and bits of mirror.

Alex watched him as he methodically worked. She watched his gentle touch as he patched up Liv's hands. His bed side manor didn't extend to just the mentally ill and she was glad for it. He had a way about him when it came to Liv. Liv watched him, mesmerized by the confidence and gentleness that he possessed.

"Do you want to tell me what happened?" he asked her.

"Julie hurt Alex," Liv answered simply.

"Why did you hit the mirror?" he probed.

"She wouldn't shut up."

"So causing yourself physical pain, caused Julie to be quiet?"

"Yes," Liv answered.

"That isn't good, Liv."

"I know."

"Does this hurt?" he asked, as he started stitching up the deeper cuts.

"Not really," she replied.

"Are you in shock?"

"Possibly."

"Do you want to go to the hospital?"

"No."

"Liv, I think that you need to go to the hospital," he stated.

"No, I'll leave AMA. I won't stay. Just patch me up, George."

"Liv, we need to talk about this."

"Then talk," she demanded.

"Olivia…"

"What?"

"This isn't healthy behavior. We need to have a session. We need to figure out what triggered you to lose yourself to Julie, again. It was something to do with this case," he told her as he turned to her other hand.

"I guessed that much. I don't know what it could have been. I was with Alex the entire time. She was with me. I don't remember acting funny."

"You don't. You didn't except while we were at the FBI office, you just wanted to go. We left, but nothing seemed out of the ordinary until we got back here. There was really no warning," Alex stated.

"Great," Liv answered.

"It's okay, Liv. We'll figure this out. There is nothing to be afraid of. We are going to deal with this. Look at me, Liv. Look at me. I am not leaving," Alex told her.

"But, Alex…"

"No buts this time, Liv. It was a shock, but it isn't going to make me run. Something here triggered something in your memories or something in your thinking. It caused Julie to come out. It isn't the first time and I know that it won't be the last. I love you. I love you and all your personas. We just need to make sure that Julie doesn't interrupt us again," Alex stated.

Liv just stared at her. She melted into Alex and started crying again. George continued to patch Olivia up. Alex held her, willing her to understand how much she loved Liv.

"Liv, I have an idea."

"What?"

"I know that you aren't going to like it, but I want you to think about it."

"What?" Liv asked, getting worried.

"I want you to go back to Quantico with George."

"What?!"

"Calm down and let me explain," Alex stated, looking at George who nodded in assent.

"Fine."

"Go back with George. Explore what happened without being here and near your trigger. Abbie and I will finish the investigation. We'll send our conclusions to you so that you can have input on what is going on. I don't think that it is safe for you to be here anymore. I don't want anything to happen to you."

"But, Alex…"

"Tell me something, Olivia," George stated, joining the conversation.

"What?"

"You told me that you lost time today. You even figured out that Julie took over. You need to explore what happened in a more controlled environment. If we did it here, you could lapse and we don't know the consequences of that. We don't know how you'll react now."

"I understand that, but-"

"Liv, go back. Go back for me. I love you. I want to build a life with you."

"I want that, too," Liv stated.

"Then, go back. Get to the bottom of this. Find your way back to being you, the whole you. Become my Olivia again, scars and all. I am not the only one who needs you, Liv. Xander does, too. If you won't do it for me, do it for him," Alex told her.

"You promise to come back to me?" Liv asked worriedly.

"Yes, I will be back at Quantico before you have time to miss me."

"They are going to review what was on the USB key. They'll keep us in the loop. They'll finish the investigation and then they'll be back to Quantico," George told her.

"Don't go back to Rock," Liv stated.

"Why not?" Alex asked, realizing that Liv's voice changed slightly and her eyes were darkening.

"There is something wrong with him. I don't know what it is, but something weird. He is…don't trust him," Liv told them.

"I'll keep that in mind. We'll make our part of the investigation quiet and quick. We still need to go back to the FBI to see what they found out. I can tell you that I won't share anything that we've already found. We'll bring it back to Quantico so we can all review it," Alex said.

"Stay away from Rock," Liv said.

"We will."

"Then, I'll go back with George. Make sure that you get the warrants from Abbie. Be careful. I need you to come back to me. Xander needs you to come back to us," Liv told her.

"I will, Liv. I will. I promise."

"George, will you call Dana and get us a flight home?" Liv asked him.

"Yeah, I will. Until we leave, why don't you and Alex just be together and relax. Abbie and I will take the information that you two gathered at Mara's house in the suburbs and see what we can find. I don't want you to worry about the case. In fact, I am ordering you as your doctor to let the case go. And, to make sure that you do, I am taking all your notes, the binders, and these new pages and giving them to Abbie," George told her.

"If I must, then I must. I understand. Make sure to get my field notes, too."

"I will. Just rest for now, Liv. We'll take care of the rest," George replied, leaving them in the bathroom.

He cleaned up his medical case and the bloody towels mixed with glass. He threw the towels, bloody gauze and mirror glass bits in a dirty laundry bag and sealed it. He would take it to a doctor's office as hazmat as soon as he had talked to Abbie about the case.

He found Abbie still on the bed. The shock of the day's events was still frightening her. George touched her knee and motioned for her to follow him back into their room. She slowly stood and followed him back into the other room, shutting the door and bolting the deadbolt.

Abbie watched him as he return his kit to his things. She saw that dumped the binders, notes and other papers on their desk. He went to the bathroom washed his hands again and then joined her at the desk. He had poured her a scotch neat and himself a drink.

"What is going on?" Abbie asked, finally finding her voice.

"Liv and I are going back to Quantico."

"When?"

"As soon as Dana can arrange it," he told her.

"What about Alex and myself?" she asked.

"You are both going to remain here and continue to investigate. Something that Liv saw triggered the transformation. Somehow she felt that Alex was threatened. We need you to figure out what it was that cause that. It was something in Mara's notes," George told her.

"How can you know that if Liv doesn't know that?"

"Because of how quick her reaction was. There is something in these papers. Something in there could break this case wide open. She was very adamant that you both stay away from Rock. Did you get those warrants?"

"Yeah, I go pick them up from the judge in the morning."

"Good. Good. I know that Liv wanted to go back to the brothel and investigate more. When you all go back to the FBI office to check on the USB drive, don't let on what's going on with the investigation. It seems that Liv believes that Rock is involved somehow."

"Shouldn't we let Dana know this?" Abbie asked.

"Not yet, we need to finish the investigation. You and Alex do so from here. I'll take Liv back and we'll work on it from that end. It is best for her at this time not to be here," George stated.

"Are you worried about Rock?"

"I don't know. He is our liaison here. I don't want to believe that he was in on the gang. If he is, we need to find out and deal with it. We can't leave Liv here though. She'll revert back into Julie and I don't know if we'd get her back if she did. Rock is just another twist in this case. Don't do any direct investigation into him. Just go and get the information from the thumb drive. I'll clue Dana and the rest into Rock. We'll see if there is a connection on our end."

"Why from Quantico and not here?" Abbie asked.

"Because we both know that Liv isn't going to leave it alone, no matter where she is, she'll be investigating the case. I can't let her go here. But, before we go back, I want to review these papers. I want to try to figure out what was her trigger."

"Can I help?"

"Yeah, grab some and start reading. Liv is a good investigator, but something she saw became her trigger. I want to know what it was so we can learn to control it. Once we know what it is and she can control, the better she'll be at controlling her slips and lapses. She knows that Julie is part of her and she knows that she has to be able to control Julie."

"She needs to become one with Julie, again," Abbie stated.

"She needs to get everything out that happened while she was undercover so she won't need Julie anymore to hide behind. I plan on helping her find this. I am going to make Liv whole, again. She has more to live for now then before she went undercover."

"And, she knows that?" Abbie stated more as question.

"Yeah, she does. It is her motivation. She's found something to live for, again."

"Not something, someone…Alex and Xander," Abbie replied.


	41. Chapter 40- Photograph

**Chapter Forty - Photograph**

Alex and Abbie sat at the table in the FBI building and waited for Rock to bring them the information on the thumb drive. Alex was worried about Olivia and she was getting impatient. Abbie put her hand on Alex's. Abbie knew that Alex was tense with worry about Olivia and skepticism about what Rock was going to give them.

"What is taking him so long?" Alex demanded.

"I don't know, Alex. I can go ask, if you want. But, I don't think that it will do us any good."

"You think he is stalling?"

"I do, but I don't know why. Either they have something or they don't, this keeping us waiting just doesn't add up. Did George send you anything on Rock yet?" Abbie asked.

"Not yet. I don't think that their plane has landed. I am a little worried about how Liv took the flight," Alex told her.

"I know you are worried about McSexy Butch, but she is good hands. She can handle her own. Let's handle what we got to handle so we can get back to her, shall we? What time was the plane supposed to land, anyway?" Abbie asked.

"About an hour ago," Alex replied.

"Text her."

"What?"

"Text her."

"Okay?"

"She'll answer. If she's still hung up about the flight, she's trying to talk herself down now that she's back on the ground. You and I both know what we saw the other day. The girl needs to blow off some steam. Text her. She's more likely to answer you if she doesn't have to talk to you. She probably doesn't want you to hear her sounding vulnerable. I know I wouldn't"

"Right," Alex said as she typed a text out to Liv.

Two seconds later, she got a reply. Abbie arched her eyebrow at Alex and smirked, knowing that she had been right. She laughed as she got up and refilled her coffee, watching Alex as she typed a message back to Liv. She was about to say something to Alex when Rock decided to finally come in.

"Sorry to keep you waiting, ladies," Rock stated as he sat down at the table.

He pushed the paperwork that he had in his hands across the table to them. Abbie immediately sat back down and took the file. Alex took the reports. They both started to go over what he gave them. They both looked at each other, not exactly knowing what they were looking at.

"Is this all that was on the USB drive?" Abbie asked him.

"It was all that computer techs could find. They scoured it and tried every encryption code they knew to break it. They can't find any reason to the data they found. There are files on there that can't be opened. We don't even know what kind of program that it was needed. It isn't code either. They can't hack it," Rock told them.

"That is very interesting. Is there anything else from the scene? Something else they found after our visit?" Abbie asked.

"No, nothing," Rock told them, "Here is the thumb drive. You can take it back with you to Quantico. I don't need it here. Maybe the guys back there can find something on it that we couldn't. I'll forward the rest by the usual channels. Anything else that I can help you with?"

"No, I think that we are good. Go ahead and send whatever you have to the US Attorney's office. We'll need it for the cases and so I can proceed with the indictments," Abbie stated.

"Yes, ma'am, right away," Rock told them, leaving them alone with the papers he'd given them.

Abbie watched him leave. She thought that maybe she could see whatever it was that Olivia had seen that made her weary of Rock. She looked at Alex and motioned towards the door with her head. Alex looked up at her from the paperwork.

"You need to see this," Alex told her.

Abbie crossed the room back to the table and looked at the papers that Alex was looking at. She down at took the paperwork. She couldn't make out anything that made sense on the paperwork. She scanned it several times, but still nothing jumped out at her.

"I don't get it, Alex. What am I looking at? What is this?" Abbie asked.

"Nothing, this is pure bullshit. It means nothing. This is nothing but leek speak and phrases that techies would understand. There is nothing useful here."

"Do you think there was anything useful on the thumb drive?"

"I do," Alex stated.

"Then how do we prove it?" Abbie asked.

"That is up to Liv. She'll know what to do. We need to make sure that USB key we are given is the right one. Who gave it Rock to begin with?" Alex asked.

"I did. You gave it to me after Liv went for her walk. I sent you down to her. Y'all went out to Mara's house. I signed it into evidence and gave it to Rock for processing."

"Damn it," Alex stated.

"What?"

"We didn't have time to clone it. If there had been something of importance to we'll never get it now. Damn it, Rock could have done anything to it and we wouldn't know. It is the perfect form of cover up," Alex explained.

"He does seem a little more edgy than the other day, but you're right. We won't be able to prove anything if he did anything. I think that he knows that, too. But, would you go through with it? If you thought that you were suspected, would you still go through with it? Wouldn't you do more to get suspicion off of you? "

"I would yeah, but this guy if he is dirty knows how to hide in plain sight. He is the perfect person to have on your side. He can fudge evidence and you would have no idea. Is there any way we could prove it?"

"I doubt it. We wouldn't even know where to begin. We have all the information that the Bureau and the local LEOs found during their investigations. There has to be something in it that we can use, something that hasn't been doctored," Abbie stated.

"If we go into this thinking that he doctored it, we're screwed. We have to look at this objectively. We have to believe that all the evidence is real and not doctored. If we don't, then this entire trip has been a waste," Alex stated.

"We should go. Let's go back to the hotel room and review it alone. You've been reading Liv's notes for years. I'm sure that there is something that you can find that will prove or disprove Rock's involvement. You can read the evidence just like her. Let's go give it a try."

"Before we do that, I want to back to the brothel."

"Why?" Abbie asked.

"Because I think the trigger started there. I want to figure out what Liv was looking for. Something in the brothel stopped Liv for a minute and started Julie. I want to know what it was. If we can figure it out, we can help Liv. If I can help Liv, we can home and be a family."

Alex drove the car back to the brothel. They still had their warrants and their FBI credentials to get them into the crime scene. They had purposefully not told Rock what they were doing. Alex wanted to look at the scene as she had seen Liv do thousands of times in New York. It was now up to her to see what she could see in order to close this case.

"Abbie, you have the binder with you?"

"Yeah, right here," Abbie answered her as they stood outside the brothel.

"That's Liv's version, right?"

"Yeah, it is."

"What is the first note that she left in it?" Alex asked her.

"She noted the lack of information taken. She maintained the path in which the investigators took, but she questioned their lack of probing nature to things besides the obvious crime at hand. She wondered why they were only concerned with the dead bodies and not the other crimes and information that the brothel might be giving them," Abbie told her.

"Are there any questions written in the margins?"

"Yeah, plenty."

"Good, she was trying to figure out something. Is there a common theme in the questions? If so, what is it?" Alex asked, coming around to the front of the car where Abbie had taken to leaning against.

"She looks like she was trying to figure out how the police were tipped off about the brothel. She was trying to find out how the brothel was brought into the case. There is no report of a 9-1-1 call or any other tip. She wanted to know what it was that brought their attention to this case."

"Blood on windows?" Alex suggested.

"There is no note of that," Abbie said, looking up at the building.

There was indeed some blood on the windows, but was it is enough to cause a patrolman to want to investigate? Abbie grabbed the binder then Alex's hand and pulled her towards the brothel. They stopped outside the windows and looked at the logs. The blood was notated, but not collected. It was deemed as the victims' without testing. Alex looked up at Abbie.

"They didn't even attempt to catalogue it. It was like it was an open and shut case. They didn't try to solve it. They went in and didn't care. No one tried to identify the blood. Why?"

"That is a good question. Maybe we should get a team down here and find out. Do you think that we can do that without Rock finding out?" Abbie asked.

"We need to, either way. We don't have a choice. There may be more evidence that was never collected. It needs to be tested. It needs to be catalogued, even if it gives us nothing. Nothing about this case is making sense."

"I know. I see that. Liv was right to question it. But, what was it about it that triggered her to transform into Julie? Something in there or something at Mara's real house scared her, Alex. We need to find out what that was. We need to assuage her fears so that Julie doesn't take over."

"I agree with you. I know that. Do you want to wait for more crime scene units to show up or do you want to go in? I want to know what Liv saw in there. I want to know what scared her."

"Let's go."

Alex wrote her name and Abbie's on the crime scene log outside the main door to the brothel. She took the binder from Abbie and followed the map of the path that the original investigators took; once again trying to make sure they didn't contaminate the scene. They wanted to make sure that whatever evidence may have remained from the original investigation was still able to be tested and collected without any interference.

Abbie followed Alex, just like Alex had followed Liv. She seemed like she was on a mission. She went into the brothel office. Alex surveyed the scene. It was trashed.

"What were they looking for in here?"

"I don't know, Abbie, probably the books."

"The books?"

"Yeah, they were looking for anything that would link the cases together. Whoever broke in here was looking for Mara's books. They would contain the monetary connection to the Goldings. Whoever hit this place knew exactly what they were looking for. They came in here with a purpose," Alex stated.

"You have been following her too long," Abbie stated.

"You learn when you want to know. I had to find out what they saw so I could make the jury understand it better. If I can't understand it or see in the pictures or the evidence, how can I make a jury? Liv was patient, most of the time, but she helped me. I did have the highest close rate for SVU when I was the A.D.A.," Alex explained.

"Don't rub it in, Cabot. It isn't becoming. So, great and wonderful investigating lawyer, what do you see?"

Alex looked around the office again. It looked like a staged robbery. The safe hadn't been hit. There were papers and files everywhere on the floor. The computer monitor had been shot. The motherboard had been destroyed. The destruction was purposeful. It wasn't as random as it seemed. They tore apart the desk. The drawers were scattered and empty.

"I know why Liv left here and searched for Mara's hidden room."

"Why?" Abbie asked.

"She knew Mara. They had talked before. She knew that Mara was a financial genius. She knew that Mara would have made backups to protect her self. If the Goldings were after her, she would use them against them. She had to make them. She wanted to get justice for her sister, while protecting herself. It was why we found the USB drive. She hid the evidence in the most unlikely place for the Goldings or their henchmen to find it."

"They didn't know that Mara's sister was one of their victims," Abbie stated.

"Exactly. Mara used her room like a safe house. This is where she hid the evidence against the Goldings. Liv figured it out because she knew Mara's background. She knew that Mara would find another place to hide it. Whoever broke in and killed them all didn't. They didn't know Mara. Liv did. Mara must have left something else. A sign or a clue that only Liv would see and recognize, it would be something that everyone else would miss," Alex stated.

"What would that be?"

"I have no earthly idea. Like I said, it would be something that only Liv would know because she knew Mara. There has to be something in the office that clued her in to looking in that room. Then there was something in that room that lead her to Mara's house in the suburbs," Alex said.

Abbie looked around the chaos and tried to figure out what that clue might be. She remembered that Liv found the USB key in Star Wars mug. She wondered if it could be something as mundane as that. Was there something in Mara's office that they couldn't see?

She watched as Alex moved around the room. It was like watching Liv years ago. They moved the same way. She noticed as Alex would pause and pick up a piece of paper, study it contents and replace it. She knew that they were waiting on CSU to come.

Alex methodically moved around the room. There was something in there that started the chain reaction that brought Julie back out. She kept looking for it. It was something tangible, something real and something in that room.

She sat down on the floor amid the chaos. The papers and the files didn't make an obvious pile or disregarded mess. She kept searching. There had to be something that brought it all together. She looked up at Abbie and then back around the room.

Alex suddenly stood up and crossed the room. She grabbed a framed photograph that was on a bookcase against the wall. She turned around, holding the photograph, and showed Abbie.

"This is it," Alex told her.

"That is what?" Abbie asked her.

"This is the trigger!" Alex told her.

"How is that the trigger?"

"Look at it."

Abbie crossed the room to where Alex was. She took the framed photograph from Alex and looked at the photo. She glanced at it. She noticed that it looked like a family style photograph but something seemed a little off with it.

"Who are all these people?" Abbie asked her.

"I think that this is Mara and her sister Rebecca. This is Robin. I don't know who that is, but I think this is Frankie," Alex told her pointing them out.

"Wow!"

"I know. I didn't understand how close we resembled each other. I know that Dana and George tried to tell me. It wasn't until I saw her photos in the dossier that I understood Liv's attraction."

"I'll say. She could be you, a very Southern you with brown eyes. The resemblance is uncanny, Alex. Did you know about this?"

"I found out in Quantico. I didn't know that she resembled me that much until Dana told me. It made the craziness of meeting Ike and Russell a little more interesting. I am sure that I gave them a shock when they met me. It made me a little more uncomfortable with Liv at first. It wasn't until George and I had our own session that it made it more understandable to me."

"Understandable? What the hell does that mean, Alex? Understandable? How does that make it more understandable? She looks just like you. Hell, she could be you. How does that it okay?"

"I don't know, but it did. I can't explain it to you Abbie, but she loved her. I think that it made me love her more. Olivia has her issues, but I still love her. I can't fault her for what happened to her while she was undercover. She was doing her job. I can't be mad at her for that."

"But still Alex…"

"Nothing, Abbie, is going to change my mind about this. I love her. She loves me. She loved Frankie. She's told me truth about their relationship. I respect her for that. I won't lie; it surprised me how closely we look alike, but I know that our relationship is different. It has always been different between us."

"I know that, Alex, but…she could have been you," Abbie stated.

"I know. I think that is part of her trigger. I look so much like her, or maybe, you have to think like Olivia did. Frankie looked like me. When you think about it in that light, I can't be upset. I love her, Abbie. I know what happened. I can't hold that against her. I have to help her embrace what happened and help her move forward with her life. Can we please just move on."

"Fine, I'll drop it."

"Look at the photo, again."

"Okay, we know that is Mara. That is Rebecca. This is Robin here. That is Frankie. Who is the mystery woman? Is someone missing from the picture? Am I missing something?"

"Someone is purposefully missing from this photo. Look at the edge. Frankie is there and there is someone holding her hand, but that person is missing. We know that Robin is in the picture. She is holding Mara, almost possessively. Look at her expression though," Alex told her.

"She isn't happy. I don't think that she wanted this picture to be taken. Robin seems almost sickingly sweetly angry that the picture is even happening. Who do you think is missing from the picture?" Abbie asked her.

"Olivia, or rather Julie Seabrook, is the one missing," Alex stated.

"Are you fucking kidding me? Liv is the one missing. Robin is angry, probably because she didn't want a 'company' picture to be taken. You have Robin the head of the gang. We have Mara and Rebecca, major players in the brothels. Then there is Frankie and Liv, two of the main runners for the gang. Now, we need to identify the mystery woman. Who is she, Alex?"

"That is the question we need to figure out. We have to find out who she is. She may be the catalyst and the trigger. Obviously, she is someone important to the gang. We need to get this information to Dana, quickly. We need to call George to find out if Liv can identify who this person is. She might be the connection we have been looking for, Abbie," Alex stated.


End file.
